Tony Abbott and the Communist Muslims
As we can see here, Tony Abbott is all about getting things done with REAL ACTION. The bogan likes this, as it is averse to any other kind of action, unless it is some unreal action on its snowboard that sits in the corner or at the X-games. The bogan also likes REAL ACTION as it avoids having to get bogged down in the details of actually how anyone would reduce the deficit without removing the first homeowners grant, removing negative gearing or removing the baby bonus. Seeing as the bogan has a firm grasp of economics, it knows that debt is a bad thing, unless it is funding a Mcmansion. Getting interest- free products from Harvey Norman isn’t debt, it’s free stuff. It certainly knows that, despite the brackets appearing all over its own balance sheet, the national budget must be in surplus, but continue paying the bogan all of the benefits to which it is not entitled. Hence, REAL ACTION is required on the national debt. But it’s OK, because Tony Abbott is taking REAL ACTION.
Tone is also taking REAL ACTION on foreign people illegal immigrants. He has done so by creating a big map of Australia showing Western Australia, NT and Queensland being invaded by red arrows (DANGER! COMMUNISM!) full of Muslims from Iraq, Afghanistan, and other countries the bogan assumes we’re invading. Because they’re full of terrorists. Tony will keep out the terrorist communists with REAL ACTION. Despite the fact that Zimbabwe and China are two countries that provide the largest slices of our refugee intake, four out of the five countries in the red arrows are predominantly Islamic. The bogan, now afraid that Geraldton could wind up full of brown people who don’t speak the language of Jesus and blow themselves up, is comforted by Tony’s maxtreme decisiveness.
Tony will also put in place a REAL ACTION PLAN – like the A-Team – for hospitals. A plan that puts patients first. The bogan also likes this, as it will, at some point, do itself an injury performing some form of maxtreme behaviour, or getting in a punch on outside the kebab shop, and always considers itself the top priority. It doesn’t realise that the guy in Emergency with half of his scalp missing will be put first before it is put first.
SCORE: 8 Starving Refugees out of 10
Workchoices Will Eat Your Children’s Souls
Here, the AWU do the ALP’s dirty work for them, with a 30 second ACA segment, complete with piano. This is important, because the bogan believes that the combination of piano, cello and violin is a signal that it is OK to feel sympathy for someone. Ordinarily, the bogan struggles with the concept of sympathy, as it is sure that the victim was merely the victim of its own stupidity. However, once the demonic instrumental triumvirate is unleashed, the bogan knows that Tracy Grimshaw says it’s OK.
And here, Tony Abbott is played in slow-motion, explaining that ‘the phrase WorkChoices is dead’. The bogan then requires the man with the deep voice to spell out precisely that this means that Tony Abbott is an evil scumbag with a strange face who will steal everyone’s job the minute he gets into power and give all the jobs to rich people who don’t care about bogans. However, the bogan is easily bored and distracted, and the fact that it still has a job means that it probably doesn’t need to worry about WorkChoices all over again. A stale fear campaign loses a lot of its edge.
SCORE: 4 Abandoned Children out of 10
Tony Abbott Tells So Much Truth, It’ll Hurt Your Brain
The definition of a gaffe in politics is effectively whenever a politician makes the mistake of telling the truth. Tony Abbott made such a faux pas on the 7.30 report this week, when he told Australia that they should ignore everything he says, unless it comes from a written statement. This differs from the trashmedia, it bears pointing out, as everything it writes down is probably bullshit.
The ALP immediately went to work:
This helps the unions also, who are helping the ALP in reminding bogans that even though they enjoy getting paid more highly, and signed contracts accordingly, they didn’t read enough to realise that they couldn’t take Australia Day off to get pissed. The bogan distinctly disliked WorkChoices, despite its medial capitals, as it was convinced by the trashmedia that it would result in the abolition of all public holidays, which the bogan knows it has a constitutional right to.
LOOK OUT! BIG MOVING RED QUESTION MARK! Like the ad above reminding the bogan that foreigners are coming to steal their sunshine and beaches, the ALP are aware that moving red things frighten the bogan, and when paired with a picture of Tony Abbott looking like a winged prune and a quote of his with the word ‘gospel’, the bogan will be worried. This, despite the fact that the bogan attends church twice a year and had its children baptised.
However, this ad is likely to have little effect on its own. The bogan, depending on which party is going to simultaneously increase the value of its home, keep interest rates down, and give a new house to its children, will take one of the following options:
a) If the Liberals will buy my kids a house: Tony Abbott is that rare sort of politician – the guy who tells it like it is, no matter what. He even tells the truth about how he doesn’t tell the truth, and he can run a marathon; what a guy.
b) If the ALP will fund my retirement: Tony Abbott is a feckless arsehole who can’t be trusted with my job or family’s safety from marauding terrorists. He makes me want to move to Tasmania to get out of the country. Vote Gillard!
Score: 6 Moving Red Question Marks out of 10