Bogan Bribe Watch – May 21st

21 05 2010

Tony Abbott and the Communist Muslims

As we can see here, Tony Abbott is all about getting things done with REAL ACTION. The bogan likes this, as it is averse to any other kind of action, unless it is some unreal action on its snowboard that sits in the corner or at the X-games. The bogan also likes REAL ACTION as it avoids having to get bogged down in the details of actually how anyone would reduce the deficit without removing the first homeowners grant, removing negative gearing or removing the baby bonus. Seeing as the bogan has a firm grasp of economics, it knows that debt is a bad thing, unless it is funding a Mcmansion. Getting interest- free products from Harvey Norman isn’t debt, it’s free stuff. It certainly knows that, despite the brackets appearing all over its own balance sheet, the national budget must be in surplus, but continue paying the bogan all of the benefits to which it is not entitled. Hence, REAL ACTION is required on the national debt. But it’s OK, because Tony Abbott is taking REAL ACTION.

Tone is also taking REAL ACTION on foreign people illegal immigrants. He has done so by creating a big map of Australia showing Western Australia, NT and Queensland being invaded by red arrows (DANGER! COMMUNISM!) full of Muslims from Iraq, Afghanistan, and other countries the bogan assumes we’re invading. Because they’re full of terrorists. Tony will keep out the terrorist communists with REAL ACTION. Despite the fact that Zimbabwe and China are two countries that provide the largest slices of our refugee intake, four out of the five countries in the red arrows are predominantly Islamic. The bogan, now afraid that Geraldton could wind up full of brown people who don’t speak the language of Jesus and blow themselves up, is comforted by Tony’s maxtreme decisiveness.

Tony will also put in place a REAL ACTION PLAN – like the A-Team – for hospitals. A plan that puts patients first. The bogan also likes this, as it will, at some point, do itself an injury performing some form of maxtreme behaviour, or getting in a punch on outside the kebab shop, and always considers itself the top priority. It doesn’t realise that the guy in Emergency with half of his scalp missing will be put first before it is put first.

SCORE: 8 Starving Refugees out of 10

Workchoices Will Eat Your Children’s Souls

Here, the AWU do the ALP’s dirty work for them, with a 30 second ACA segment, complete with piano. This is important, because the bogan believes that the combination of piano, cello and violin is a signal that it is OK to feel sympathy for someone. Ordinarily, the bogan struggles with the concept of sympathy, as it is sure that the victim was merely the victim of its own stupidity. However, once the demonic instrumental triumvirate is unleashed, the bogan knows that Tracy Grimshaw says it’s OK.

And here, Tony Abbott is played in slow-motion, explaining that ‘the phrase WorkChoices is dead’. The bogan then requires the man with the deep voice to spell out precisely that this means that Tony Abbott is an evil scumbag with a strange face who will steal everyone’s job the minute he gets into power and give all the jobs to rich people who don’t care about bogans. However, the bogan is easily bored and distracted, and the fact that it still has a job means that it probably doesn’t need to worry about WorkChoices all over again. A stale fear campaign loses a lot of its edge.

SCORE: 4 Abandoned Children out of 10

Tony Abbott Tells So Much Truth, It’ll Hurt Your Brain

The definition of a gaffe in politics is effectively whenever a politician makes the mistake of telling the truth. Tony Abbott made such a faux pas on the 7.30 report this week, when he told Australia that they should ignore everything he says, unless it comes from a written statement. This differs from the trashmedia, it bears pointing out, as everything it writes down is probably bullshit.

The ALP immediately went to work:

This helps the unions also, who are helping the ALP in reminding bogans that even though they enjoy getting paid more highly, and signed contracts accordingly, they didn’t read enough to realise that they couldn’t take Australia Day off to get pissed. The bogan distinctly disliked WorkChoices, despite its medial capitals, as it was convinced by the trashmedia that it would result in the abolition of all public holidays, which the bogan knows it has a constitutional right to.

LOOK OUT! BIG MOVING RED QUESTION MARK! Like the ad above reminding the bogan that foreigners are coming to steal their sunshine and beaches, the ALP are aware that moving red things frighten the bogan, and when paired with a picture of Tony Abbott looking like a winged prune and a quote of his with the word ‘gospel’, the bogan will be worried. This, despite the fact that the bogan attends church twice a year and had its children baptised.

However, this ad is likely to have little effect on its own. The bogan, depending on which party is going to simultaneously increase the value of its home, keep interest rates down, and give a new house to its children, will take one of the following options:

a)      If the Liberals will buy my kids a house: Tony Abbott is that rare sort of politician – the guy who tells it like it is, no matter what. He even tells the truth about how he doesn’t tell the truth, and he can run a marathon; what a guy.

b)      If the ALP will fund my retirement: Tony Abbott is a feckless arsehole who can’t be trusted with my job or family’s safety from marauding terrorists. He makes me want to move to Tasmania to get out of the country. Vote Gillard!

Score: 6 Moving Red Question Marks out of 10


Actions

Information

311 responses

21 05 2010
Jim Jams

Australia isn’t getting invaded by red arrows. The illegals are building a series of giant slippery dips in order to facilitate their invasion. Its quite amazing really.

21 05 2010
pb

that sounds like fun! i must head over to indonesia so i can have a go on the giant slippery dip into australia.

21 05 2010
Tone

The first thing that came to mind when I saw the red arrows was “Dad’s Army”. Jihad’s Army?

2 07 2010
Will S

Just thought of something about the red arrows: the greatest number of illegal residents in Aus are people who overstay their visas, predominately from England. So doesn’t the absence of “England” from one of the red arrows prove the ad is deliberately racist?

21 05 2010
Tombarina

I love campaign ads. They’re a smug variant on shouty ads minus a couple of decibels, and have much in common with the FIRE SALE/FINAL CLEARANCE/RELOCATION/SHIPPING CONTAINER DISASTER/UNPLANNED PREGNANCY/EVERYTHING MUST GO advertising favoured by purveyors of rugs, carpets and other floor coverings, in their love of coupling spoken words with matching text.

In other words, they assume the populace is so retarded that two simple devices, eg moving pictures plus spoken words – will not suffice to hammer the message through the maXXXtremely-thick skull of the average bear. Hence, pictures PLUS voiceover PLUS text PLUS graphics PLUS excessively-dramatic enunciation is employed.

All in all, rather like a boguetastic ACA/TT yarn.

21 05 2010
stonefree

You guys should start seriously thinking of writing for Crikey.

21 05 2010
I'm Married. I'm Beautiful.

I don’t think the bogan realises that Tony Abbott had a considerable opportunity to take ‘Real Action’ in the area of health, being the actual Minister for Health for 5 years and being a senior member of the ruling Liberal Party for 11. The bogan pays little attention to politics and what they did know about Tony between 2003-2007, they’ve forgotten. Limited brain space is much better allocated to Bundy commercials and the form guide. Tony, your secret is safe with me.

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Only one timeframe matters to the bogan – 18 months – and it applies both to the interest-free future, and to the past. The bogan, unburdened by curiousity about anything more complex or far-reaching than his own ma$$ive guns, is wont to dismiss anything prior to this 18-month cut-off as “ancient history”.

Ergo, Our Tony’s long-running stint at the helm of the health portfolio fails the Bogue Statute of Limitations test.

What’s important is Wot The Gumment Will Give Us Hard-Working Aussies Within The Next 18 Months. Anything either side of this 18-month horizon – insurmountable national and household debt, pensioners languishing on the public dental waiting list, an entire generation with laughable literacy and numeracy skills – doesn’t count. That will be the problem of The Next Gumment.

21 05 2010
vivisection

I think 18 months is being quite generous Tombarina !

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Sorry, Viv – you’re quite right.
I was clearly drunk on generous optimism when I rashly typed that figure.
“Two weeks” would be more realistic.

21 05 2010
Audrey

Yeah if they could remember back 18 months ago they’d remember their $900 “free money” and remember how much of a champ Rudd is.

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Again, I stand corrected.
I was a mad, crazy, young fool when I typed that.

Bad Tombarina.
*self-glass*

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

It’s okay Tombarina, we’ve all been guilty of being generous to Bogan’s, no need to glass yourself.

21 05 2010
James

I love elections – especially the parodies of ads and posters. Did anyone else catch this gem from the British election?

http://www.mydavidcameron.com/

21 05 2010
Julia

i LOVED those posters. also http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/gallery/2010/apr/01/labour-gordon-brown-campaign-posters – april fools joke that the Labour campaign was going to capitalise on Brown’s reputation for thuggishness.

are the Chasers doing anything for the election this year?

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I hope so Julia!!

21 05 2010
James Hunter

TBL,
What about the pregnant , single ,non catholic, unemployed girl with a disability ? They are the ones Tony’s morals police(MP’s) will be desparately seeking. ?

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

JH, Big Tony doesn’t have any morals, he’s a politican…and a religitard.

21 05 2010
James Hunter

retard

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

no JH, worse than that a RELIGITARD a maxxxtreme religious “person”

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Ooh! I like that, P!nky. May I please borrow it sometime? Please?

I intend to fling it in the general direction of a family member who can’t consult a bus timetable without bringing her deity du jour into it.

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Of course you can Tombarina, I just don’t want it to be used against Benji, cause he’s not a Reiligitard, he’s too sensible 😉

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

*Religitard…blimey what happened there **scratches head** 😉

22 05 2010
James Hunter

Pinky,
I think the Religitards should be used for target practice by Simon and myself with the 234
any left overs can be used for glassing practice or “Medical Experiments”

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

JH, that would make us as bad as them.

No they will need to enter a reprogramming facility until they see the error of their ways.

21 05 2010
James Hunter

.

21 05 2010
pickledvitriol

Them Labor cunz are going to make a MASSIVE NEW TAX when what we need is REAL ACTION! KRudd is all talk and no REAL ACTION. He makes up shit like that the world is warming when most scientists think its bullshit made up by lazy hippies and burns down houses with insulation. Joe Hockey says it how it is on Sunrise and he said shit is going to be heaps more expensive when we tax the miners. Miners work hard and do REAL WORK not fucking sitting in a desk on the cyberspace writing bullshit.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I think you should take your own advice pickle.

21 05 2010
urbanreverie

Pinky, if you clicked on the link on his/her name, you’d see that he/she’s a “libtard” just like you and me, and that he/she is most likely imitating your typical bogan opinion and manner of typing. And pretty well too …. I just had a look at the Pickled Vitriol blog, I like it – except for the American date order which always confuses the hell out of me!

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Thank you Urban, being the Luddite I am, I didn’t know about this feature…

and I take my comment back with sincere apologies

I really must become more knowledgeable on such things 😉

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Pinky,
If you are a luddite then dont appologise, Give him a thourough clogging !!

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

JH, you know I can’t do that. One should not shoot off Ones mouth without at least SOME of the information, or One becomes described as a Bogan. 😉

I don’t wear clogs, I wear cons though…size 4

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Pijnky,
I was up a wattle anyway, i was thinking of saboture not luddite.. think my boy dags smell is disolving my brain!

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

These things happen JH 😉

21 05 2010
Gavin

As the election campaigning ramps up, it is becoming increasingly more obvious that a vote for anybody in this election will be a vote wasted. I have always vigorously opposed the left side of politics and it is really quite disappointing to see what the alternative government is offering.. I just sit in hope that Mr Abbott and co doesn’t actually mean all this crap they say (eg boat people) and are only saying it to get the popular bogan vote. (It’s a shame politics has to bow to the lowest common denominator)

Any TBL, kudos on a balanced bashing of both sides of politics, I keenly await the first stupid thing the Greens come out and say, surely can’t be far away…

21 05 2010
Will S

You’d have to be basically morally bankrupt to vote 1 for anyone other than the Greens in this country.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Voting Green is a bit like voting for the class dork to be head of school. Makes you feel good sticking it up them but basically a waste of time

21 05 2010
vivisection

Not wasted if you choose who you give the rest of your votes to carefully. I always Vote Green 1, then number the rest according to who I can live with in reality. Living in a labor stronghold, I know the Greens will never get the seat, but at least by giving the Greens my primary vote, it sends a message to the other parties that I consider the message and ideology important.

21 05 2010
Gavin

The Greens are just as bad politcally, they have their admirable core values but then go on to support any number of ridiculous issues in order to get the (non-mainstream) populist vote.

It’s sad we can’t vote for the most sensible people (provided a sensible option could actually exist) who didn’t have to resort to “winning the most votes” from idiots

21 05 2010
vivisection

I’ll offer my services as a semi-reasonable dictator. You could all save time by not having to vote. 🙂

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yay Viv, I suspect Fi will challenge you for the position though and then we are stuck with voting again.

I think I need to see policies and promises first.

21 05 2010
vivisection

To appease everyone:

My Liberal style Policy – Fi can be first lady, she will determine suitable pays and working conditions;

My Labor Style Policy – I will overhaul these workplace changes, put Fi in charge of Education, start a revolution and then set fire to it. Pay Fi more money and have her back at the Ancestral Manse doing what she does best.

My Green Style Policy – Everyone shall have access to an eco friendly Yurt, gay marriage, and Farmers Markets be will mandatory and we shall eat unwashed vegetables which are to be grown within 1 km, and must not have cast a shadow over another living organism.

This should suitably keep everyone equally annoyed.
I reserve the right to change my mind at any point.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Looks good so far. What about banning Boganism?

Also Family First Style Policy – Mandatory Hetero marrige for life, Catholisism and free cardigans for everyone?

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I told you we needed a commune. 😀

I don’t think Boganism should be banned, I think it should be treated as either a) mental illness; b) A retardation in childhood development.

😀

21 05 2010
vivisection

Labor Style Policy – Ban uppity intellectuals and support working families, then backflip and ban bogans!

Family First Style Policy – exactly as you phrased it, with ruling that children must be given sensible bible derived names – Leviticus is unusual after all

Sex Party Policy – No internet censorship, porn in every primary school before 2015 and a free set of duplicate car keys and a large bowl for every person with a solar powered hot tub.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Australian Communist Party – 72′ Plasma 3d for everyone because we are all equal. Males to be called Sergi and females to be called Ana.

21 05 2010
James

I remain unconvinced viv. What’s in it for me, and others like me?

21 05 2010
vivisection

James – how about $900? When in doubt, I’ll just throw some cash about..

21 05 2010
James

Make it $9000 and make it an ongoing, quarterly research grant, and you have my support.

21 05 2010
vivisection

and then I’ll tax the uber wealthy like Paul and his International Circle of Imaginary Friends and get it back so we can spend it on closing the borders to his type.

21 05 2010
vivisection

James, as long as the research isn’t critical of me in any way. I expect preview rights before publication. Then it can be on your said terms and conditions. A dictatorship cant be all fun and games.

21 05 2010
James

Naturally viv.

Have you thought on a title? I was thinking something grandiose, with words like “Supreme” or “Ultimate” or even, dare I say it, “Maxxxtreme”…

21 05 2010
pb

what about maxxxtreme awesome one?
or your maxxxtremeliness?

21 05 2010
vivisection

PB and James – you guys can sleep well tonight , knowing that the Maaaxtreeme One is doing everything he can…. Do you think i should opt for the grey safari suit (asian dictator) look, or animal print – African dictator motif look. I think anything middle eastern might be inflammatory to the bogue and hamper progress..

21 05 2010
vivisection

Or I could work a hot pink suit, two sizes to to big. That’s trick the bogues into thinking i was one of them.

21 05 2010
pb

following yesterday’s discussion of suiting up, i think you should opt for the colourful pimp suit style – lull bogans into a false sense of security then bam! ban their stupid names.

21 05 2010
James

pb’s on a winner there viv.

21 05 2010
vivisection

I’ll see if Fi can recommend a tailor

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Looks like the Australian Down With Bogans Party is being Gazummped ?

Still Anyone who does not belong to a political party has abdicated their chance to influence the candidates for which we vote.

Second I agree with those who say voting Green is a warm cuddly feeling thing but esentially usless.In the few occasions when some minor party or independent has a casting vote then democracy heas realy fgone to lunch. some one who gets 5% votes has controll ! Democracy ??Ha de Ha.

21 05 2010
vivisection

JH and Simon: You don’t need a silly little party, you just need the comfort of knowing that Vivisection is doing all that he can to make life better for you. That is all you need. Think of it, the comfort of knowing that Vivisection is doing all that he can to make life better for you. That’s right, Vivisection is doing all that he can …….

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I feel strangely pacified knowing Emperor Viv is doing all that he can…..

However Jimmies party is also awesome and I can see a pommy style love in happening.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

You’ve got my vote Viv, right that’s it, I’m going to donkey vote and write all over my ballot, “Vivesection for Dictator!”

21 05 2010
Pandabater

Vive le Vive

21 05 2010
vivisection

Pandabater – I like the cut of your jib!

21 05 2010
Jam

That’s a load of crap. The Greens are dreadful, hypocritical watermelons with a crooked faggot leader.

21 05 2010
west_melb_antibogan

You mean the Greens who sided with the Climate Change Deniers in the Libs and Nats to vote down the ETS?

Hmmm real moral ain’t they?

21 05 2010
vivisection

Please , point me to an issue that one of the major parties haven’t back-flipped over, outright lied about, sacrificed for votes or changed position on once elected.

Aside from the Liberals sheer determination to maintain the core societal values of the 1950’s, they’ve all been guilty of screwing us over at the first opportunity.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

I can’t bring myself to vote for the greens anymore.

About 9 or 10 years ago (for a University project, no less) I went to a public meeting (a protest really) in Newtown about the then proposed upgrades to the the Nuclear research facility at Lucas Heights.

I still haven’t fully recovered. Ignorance abounded. The Greens member who had a little speech during the gathering really couldn’t find her own ass with both hands, a map, a GPS and one of those rally passenger clipboard holding loonies with the hardened stomachs. She didn’t know the first thing about the project, the risks, anything. So she just went on about nuclear weapons and fear for the future of our children.

Oh the fear, doubt, outrage, wailing, stamping and pursing of the lips. Waily waily waily!

(or perhaps time has twisted my memory of this and I’m exagerating – but the feelings remain)

Look, there are good reasons why you might want to have opposed that. However, all that was discussed was either wrong, or pretty much irrelevant.

I would like to think that the green member had bothered to learn at a basic level about the issue at hand. They hadn’t, and that really isn’t good enough for me. How can you bring about change when you simply don’t understand what you are fighting against?

21 05 2010
vivisection

The same could be said about Barnaby Joyce too.

21 05 2010
James

The Green/Left kids at ANU protest about the presence of “US bases” in Australia. One can only assume they refer to the joint facilities, but attempting to point this out to them seems futile.

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ James

Back when I was young and at uni I was an over zealous pinko lefty. I’m still a pinko but have learned to be a bit more selective in what I am willing to protest. Not just let the passion of youth jump on the band wagon.

These kids will learn and if they don’t they will join Greenpeace, and that’s okay as well…;)

22 05 2010
Will S

Successful troll was successful.

But really, the way I see it is that every party is going to have its uninformed loudmouth bandwagoners like the one Benjamin described. You just have to ask yourself which viewpoint when taken that way is the least harmful. From the Libs you have the hardcore conservatives and the free market extremists, from Labor you have the union hacks… shouting about not using nuclear power isn’t really all that bad.

21 05 2010
Tone

The trouble is that due to an ongoing shift on both sides of politics, which has been perpetuated by the commercial media in Australia (and, indeed anywhere that News Corporation has a significant media presence), Hard Right is the new Centre. As such, anyone with a view anywhere near the traditional Centre is deemed to be a Bleeding Heart Pinko Leftie Socialist Poofter.

21 05 2010
Gavin

So how does one explain all the Tony Abbott “wacky 1950s conservative” reports in the media?? Surely TA is as hard right without resorting to fascism that can occur contemporary politics.. While I agree about the cause of this problem, hard right being the new centre seems a bit extreme

21 05 2010
Tone

Maxxxtreme, to be precise. Which is just how bogans like it.

21 05 2010
Gavin

Hehe, point well made…

21 05 2010
James Hunter

wonder what TA’s mother in law thought when Mrs TA came home with “Mr Right” giggle giggle.

21 05 2010
Samantha Morris

I don’t have a television, so I appreciate being kept abreast of the early campaign advertising being foisted on everyone else. Thanks, as usual TBL.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

I don’t watch real time TV (bless those lovely folks that wrote MythTV) and so miss all this. I watched these.

I’m having a little cry right now. Perhaps an informal vote is in my future.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Hey ya Benji,

I’m voting Greens for the first time ever. I can no longer tell the difference between the Left and the Right. It makes me sick. There is no choice and the only way I feel at this time to have my say, is to vote greens and select rest as per my own choices. (as mentioned by Viv above) i use to follow politics very closely but have found that there’s no real point, because everything they say is bullshit anyway. All I can say is I’m glad my Grandfather is dead, he would be repulsed in the maxxxtreme

As you know I don’t watch commercial teev and prefer online viewing etc; Don’t you feel better for it? I love having no idea who or what Master Chief & Co are.

21 05 2010
T-ra

Pinky, I am with you and will also be voting Greens for the first time ever! I actually live in K-Rudd’s seat. I cannot bring myself to vote for him again, not after recent events. I read Battelines by Abbott to try to see if I could stomache voting that way…hmmm no. I am truly a disgruntled voter! My family already consider me a ‘communist’, so this will no cause no end of mayhem at the inevitable discussion regarding politics over Xmas lunch!

Seems we also have in common a disinterest in Master Chef. I suspect I may be the only person in Australia who has never watched an episode!

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Re electorate – me too, T-ra. I’m tired of having weekend forays to Riverbend spoilt by the presence of Lord Tintin and his security detail.

My Beloved’s had a gutful to the extent that he shoots K-Rudd with his finger-gun everytime he pops up on the TV.

21 05 2010
T-ra

Hahahaha….that reminds me of the time I caught my Grandad spitting at the newspaper….I thought he was going mad until he showed me what he was spitting at…a picture of Paul Keating (my Grandad was a die hard conservative…bless him).

And yes, I have been on Oxford Street when the K-Rudd Show comes to town! Annoying way to have Sunday Brunch ruined just because the PM decides he wants to be seen going to church!

21 05 2010
Blueballs

Is it just me or whenever I see Kev in toe with his fat sugar-mummy bleating on about the issues of the day in front of the local church, I know he’s just dog whistling zealots and 1950’d family value types. And the Left loves to call Abbott a religious freak? Can’t quite remember seeing him prostituting his Sunday devoting for a sound grab and a bit of god botherer dog whistling(correct me if I’m wrong)

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Nope, you are correct.

21 05 2010
T-ra

When in Brisbane he attends an Anglican Church on Oxford Street at Bulimba. I have seen him there….with the wife, a child, security detail and the media all in tow. Never misses an opportunity!

21 05 2010
Tombarina

And they called Beattie a meedja tart. Nothing on Tintin.

21 05 2010
Jimmy S

He’s white anting the family first’s core supporter base, the checky prick. I’ve got no time for people that worship dead things on sticks or make public their devotion!

22 05 2010
brad

An Anglican leading Labor and a Catholic leading Liberal- how my dear grandpa would be confused.I dont care for either much,however i know the Greens are much worse and all you ship jumpers are the reason they exist.The Greens are nothing but the dregs left behind by Labor since their core policy making strategies shifted towards the centre 25 yrs ago too capture populist votes.People may jest about worshipping dead men on sticks,but to give your vote to this bunch of mushrooms is laughable and dangerous.

24 05 2010
Kent Brockman

I’d like to think Senator Fielding from Family First lets fly with some colourful langauge at the TV every sunday night while watching the news, I know I do…

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Tombarina
“My Beloved’s had a gutful to the extent that he shoots K-Rudd with his finger-gun everytime he pops up on the TV.”

I shoot Kfudd with my finger pistol too. Mr Pinky just sit there saying “look at his head, he looks like Charlie Brown”

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

T-ra,

“I suspect I may be the only person in Australia who has never watched an episode!”

You are not alone. Mr Pinky and I have never seen an episode and we will never see an episode. 😀

“My family already consider me a ‘communist’”

I come from a long like of pinko’s. Not full on commies but rather more your pink commies…LOL
Come and have X-mas with us…LOL

21 05 2010
T-ra

Ahhh kindred! Thank you Pinky! I am glad there are others out there. Admittedly I am not a big TV watcher (not a total No-TV Snob…I just think there are better things to do with life)…but I fail to see why everyone is so absorbed with watching people cook and having some fat guy with a scarf tied around his neck commenting on it all. I had friends around for dinner a few weeks ago and I was horrified when they started commenting on how I had ‘plated up’!

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

You’re defiantly not alone and you’re more than welcome T-ra 😉

21 05 2010
Jay

Our house is also a no-reality TV zone… no Master Chef, no Big Brother, in fact nothing containing any of the following words: “Idol”, “Model”, “Talent”, “Makeover”, “Dancing”, “Renovation”… the list seems to go on and on. From what I can glean from the advertisements I’ve had the misfortune to catch snippets of, they all seem to be the same show, in varying locations, with interchangeable “personalities” (and I use that term in its loosest possible manner).

The political views of my family lean somewhere to the right of Atilla the Hun. I have never fully recovered from the embarrassment of driving past the venue where a One Nation rally was being held, back in Pauline’s Australian-flag-draped, golden heyday and seeing two very close relatives of mine walking in the door. I have pretty much resigned myself to biting the inside of my cheeks until they bleed during their ill-informed discussions, most of which are based on last night’s episode of TT or ACA, or what “Lawsy” or “Jonesy” said on the radio. There are many good reasons why I now choose to live a very long way away from all of them.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Jay, you can come to Christmas lunch too, can’t have this sort of thing going on…

22 05 2010
brad

i thought you were a proud Atheist Pink,why are you celebrating Christmas?

22 05 2010
Tombarina

Pressies, Brad. Are you drunk? 😛

22 05 2010
brad

oh yeh-delirious on pain killers-gall stones playing up again.Good luck in your political aspirations i shall expect many laughs.

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

aww..brad, hope you feel better soon. Only other advice, keep your fluids up as best you can.

22 05 2010
Tombarina

Blossy, I expect any genuine political aspirations on my part would be truly laughable – both in intent and execution!

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Good Question Brad, I have kids. I’m not a fundi-Atheist and it’s a ‘nice’ tradition, free lunch, and free babysitting while Mr P!nky and have a few much deserved quiet reds and catch up with the fam. My Mumsy, Lady P!nky, is the only christian member of our family, she’s the only one who is ‘celebrating’ anything religious. 😀

22 05 2010
brad

Sounds like a great day,im no church goer myself(latent catholic-ha ha how many of us are there),but my dad still goes too Midnight Mass while we come around on xmas morn.Too me its about laughing at my kids and nieces as they get loaded on pressies and various sugar hits.Drinking Dads prized “slab of Crownies” is good too.

22 05 2010
brad

Thanks for the advice too,i am well below 40 can only attribute my condition too DeNiAl factors,even though the medical staff at my local hospital said it could well be lifestyle/dietry choices.(bah-doctors what do they know )

21 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Nup. Never deigned to poison my retinae with Master Bait. Mix cooking show and Reality TV with a cravat-attired prat, you’ve got the bogan salivating at something they moight try once, before heading off to far more familiar pastures, such as HJ’s or Dominos, or if the credit limit permits, La Porchetta or Outback Jack’s for the Maxxtreme 1kg Rump Steak in 30 Minutes Challenge.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

Yes I do feel better for it. Like your good self, it does leave me out of touch with a lot of stuff that is discussed here, mercifully. I don’t see a lot of adds, and don’t accidentally end up watching something I didn’t want to 😉

Anyway, as we have young kids, the most watched shows around our house are Postman Pat and Wiggle and Learn. Yep, they’re kids programmes, but they definitely leave you feeling better about the world than most other stuff on the box. Recommended, even if you don’t have children 🙂

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Benji,

I have three of the darlings. My kids are addicted to ABC3 mostly, and my little one is obsessed with Bert and Ernie, Fozzy Bear, and the old school muppets.

The big kids watch a lot of retro cartoons like He-Man, Inspector Gadget and Astro-Boy. They also watch a lot of doco’s. My daughter is obsessed with sharks at the moment so that’s what’s playing in the back ground in my house.

My eldest son is mad for dinosaurs, science (he told me when he grows up he’s going to be wrestler AND and a mad professor, I nearly died laughing), WW2, and Alf and all those boy movies, like Batman etc etc; Great for me, I get to relive my childhood. 😀

On school holidays we go to the museums and galleries and into Fed Square to see the Acme museum. I want my kids to grow up freethinkers and hopefully make better decisions for their lives than I did.

I love Bert and Ernie…Eddie and I sit and watch it together, and I actually really dig it. Always feel good and bouncy, and that’s good for my little Eddie. 😀

21 05 2010
pb

p!nky, if your son does become a wrestler and mad professor, can you get him to use the stage name ‘the profestler’?

21 05 2010
James

Even better – Herr Doctor Profestler.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Should that be Edd!e.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I’m putting the name to him over dinner. 😀 I think he’ll be all over it and claiming that he came up with it in no time 😉

@ Simon
Your Spelling is correct in the spelling of the bogue. I fear for my son’s name, now that Twilight is on the bogasphere.

21 05 2010
Matt

Those anti-Work Choices ads aren’t by the AWU, they’re by the ACTU. Big difference.

Not that big a difference when the AWU are spruiking it on their website. But point taken. TBL

21 05 2010
Tombarina

For sale: One vote.

Must go to good home, ie, one which will:

• abolish middle-class welfare (eg, baby bonus, family payments to people who need them about as much as I need a second ar$hole, etc);

• develop alternative streams of national income (just on the remotest offchance that we eventually run out of stuff to dig up or cut down);

• adopt a compassionate yet manageable immigration program with appropriate and sustained post-arrival support;

• put Noel “Education First” Pearson in charge of smashing the hopeless cycle of indigenous poverty; and

• ban country and western music, wigger wanna-be gangstas, the use of names like Jaxxxxxxksynn, middle-aged socks’n’sandal-wearing men who picket abortion clinics, Family First (indeed, any political party or lobby group with “Family” in the title, since they’re usually earnest self-righteous, self-absorbed asshats), Hillsong, and Daryl Somers.

Contact Tombarina @ liveinhope.com.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

Why not stand yourself?

That’s only slightly in jest. You’d get my vote, and it sounds like you have enough charisma for it.

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Thanks – but then I’d have to hang around with pollies, press hacks and other window-lickers all day.

I’m happy simply to pay for someone with a higher asshat-tolerance threshold than I to do it!

21 05 2010
Benjamin

Alas, such a person doesn’t exist in ready made form.

I’m a pragmatist – and I’m sorry, but you’ll simply have to learn. Or the photos come out…

I’ll start printing the badges. First full meeting next wednesday?

21 05 2010
James

Communist.

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Nah. Benevolent dictator with just a soupçon of fascism.

21 05 2010
James

You may have to fight viv for that honour yet.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Broken stubbies at dawn?

21 05 2010
Benjamin

Canon.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Daryl Somers bit gets my vote, I am easily bought. Throw in Farnsie and you have my vote for life.

22 05 2010
vivisection

Simon, just for you I’ll throw in Kate Cebrano as well.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Tombarina, Vivisection personally guarantees that he will do all that he can to make life more comfortable for you . All that he can. That’s right , a guarantee that he will do all that he can to make your life comfortable…..

21 05 2010
vivisection

Tombarina, at some point , I may need someone willing to provide military “support”, if you’re interested in helping Vivisection guarantee everythingi s being done to make life more comfortable….

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Ignoring your tricky wordplay and the gaping holes in that promise, SOLD!

21 05 2010
vivisection

That’s the spirit – lets start with that Somers f@cker. (some say tricky wordplay – I say if the ignorant c#nts can’t speak Manderin, I’ll have to say it 3 times.)

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Viv and Tombarina – best thread today, I nearly wet my pants laughing…

Can’t you just both be Dictator’s? You know, make up a whole new system of governance?

21 05 2010
Benjamin

I strongly recommend against this.

Should this happen, the bogans will take up their guns (which they are constitutionally allowed to, of course) and rise up and quickly overthrow them both.

Depending on how much military support the dictators can muster, and the combined strength of non-bogues (probably not much in either case), this could quickly degenerate, leading to the extermination of all the non-bogues in this nation.

Take care folks; the bogans are a lazy bunch, but if someone can convince them that either Tomba or Vivisection (or both) are paedophiles, then they’re deader than a very, very dead thing.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Oh come on Benjamin, get a bit of the old Bangkok spirit about you! I cannot speak for Tomabarina, but I’m sure it is on the public record somewhere that I may in fact be allergic to children. Having them in my company for more than a few minutes gives me the shits. I spoke to friend who suggested gluten, wheat and peanut allergies, but i know that it is children. (the offspring of present company are lovely I’m certain!)

And besides, there is no art to making a bogan feel like it’s on the right team and that the gummint is looking out for them. Look at the Howard Gummint – they pulled it off for years and K-Rudd had a good shot at it.

Tombarina and I could easily distract them long enough to at least get a few key changes in:

Licence to Breed
Certified Child Naming
Baby Bonus re-specification programme

Just a start…

21 05 2010
Benjamin

It’s your funeral mate. Nice knowin’ you.

Allergic to children eh? At best, that paints you as someone who hates children (won’t somebody pleeeeeeassse think of this children) or at worst it’s just a subterfuge to hide your true nature.

Many bogans will be able to believe both simultaneously.

And you are forgetting the maxtreme power of ACA and TT. Remember the potentially intelligent producers of these shows don’t care the affect of what crap they dish. One of them will be bright enough to see where you are up to, and more than happy to tell the bogues all about it in order to grab some ratings.

The only way you could distract them enough would be to ignore your principles and bribe them all. Not sure the country could handle that level of debt, even if you were to nationalise the miners (though that could get the bogan on your side I suppose, couched in the right terms).

The things you’d like to do represent *real* change, and are therefore impossible. Didn’t Whitlam try to push through a lot of change*? See where that got him?

Do you really want a band called “The Vivisections” playing soft piano rock 30 years from now?

*Sorry – no history scholar, me.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Certainly no bloody Obama / beacon of hope are you Benjamin? Talk about rain on my parade….. :{

21 05 2010
Benjamin

I’m sorry. I felt compelled to bring some realism* to the discussion.

*no to be confused with the other “realism”.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Good Lord Benjamin – the current political reality of this country is far to depressing – the only tonic is delusion in a situation so dire!

21 05 2010
James

I appreciate the distinction Benji.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

No problem James. Glad you noticed.

21 05 2010
SD

What, I tune in in the arvo and voila! a new government hath already formed?!! KRudd is history i see!

Can’t vivisection be allowed a loooong term and inspire a band?! (btw that made me LOL benjamin – TM borrowed from Fi of course !)

21 05 2010
vivisection

I will be putting my foot / boot down about the soft rock piano tunes.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Elton John of Dictators.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Oh the horror!

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

SD, you know you can’t leave us alone for too long. 😉

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Also Croc’s, can you ban them straight up.

21 05 2010
Tombarina

All good, Benj.

I’m immune from such bogue-sults – you see, I’m a Mum. A nice, white, blonde, gainfully-employed middle-class Mum.

I have a nice, white, blonde, second-rower offspring; a mostly-nice, white, blonde Beloved who skates across the thin ice of boganhood when it suits him; I own a Metallica DVD; can bait a line and catch and clean a fish; and I used to hold a gun licence.

In other words, I’m freakin’ untouchable and as long as I don’t reveal my inner feelings about the baby bonus, buy-now-pay-later, McMansions, Hummers, kids called Tyhffahniii, wilful ignorance and pig-hearted racism, we’re sweet.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Good fortune Tombarina!! I look good blonde too. I’m 6 ft 4 tall, blue eyes, proud owner of a Schnoodle that swims on occasion. As long as no-one knows that I’m like that “Crooked faggot” leader of the Greens – to quote our delightful friend Jam at 11.36, we should be ok. Oh and we don’t tell anyone my mothers family are Jewish.

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Forgot – I also have a cattle dog.

Viv, we’re home’n’hosed. Let the revolution begin!

21 05 2010
Tombarina

PS: and my mother’s a deep-pink Socialist….

21 05 2010
Benjamin

Wow. I’m in awe of your bogan compatibility. Simply stunning.

However, your ideas are not bogan compatible, and eventually you’ll have to do something to make change. You’re inner feelings would have to come out, sooner or later.

O how I wish you could prove me wrong.

Amazing the blonde. I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw an honest-to-goodness real life blonde (of either sex). And you have three in your family.

Do you perchance come from the land of the ice and snow, with the midnight son, where the hot springs blow?

(Sorry – odd mood. This Coffee is *really* good. And if someone other than myself roasted and prepared it, I’d be nervous)

21 05 2010
Tombarina

I kid you not, Benj – my entire family looks like the Hitler Youth (although some of us are a little long in the tooth to qualify). Irish & Scottish all the way.

I believe Viv has previously mentioned that his blonde comes out of a bottle, but that matters naught.

And of COURSE the inner, non-bogue-compatible ideals come out – once we’re in power. Then nothing can stop us. Nothing, I say. NOTHING!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

*insane, megalomaniacal laughter comes to abrupt halt as colleagues start looking suspicious*

21 05 2010
vivisection

Yes, being blessed with Marsupial Brown natural hair, a by product of nordic paternity and jewish maternity, Vivisection is a master of disguise – able to look like the perfect Hitler Youth’s slightly older brother with a simple application of l’oreal supe rblonde and dash of Magic Silver White Toner . And as soon as it gets too hot in the kitchen, off to the bathroom, a quick application of L’oreal Natural Black and I look like I should be brooding in a forest with shimmering skin.

21 05 2010
vivisection

oh, ditto maniacal laughter, was too busy thinking about myself for a minute.

21 05 2010
SD

Tomabarina, Vivisection I think you have been drinking Benjamin’s “coffee”

But

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

insane laughter from lackey of dicatators earning lackey rolling eyes from the colleagues.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

Ok – you’ve convinced me. I am a believer.

*puffs up chest and grabs lapels*

We shall go on to the end. We shall not flag nor fail. We shall de-bogue our isle, whatever the cost may be.

We shall de-hardy them on the beaches. We shall sink their jet skis on the seas and oceans. We shall confiscate their cruisers on the landing grounds. We shall take their baby bonus in the fields and streets.

We shall never surrender. And even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were overrun and its children forcibly rechristened Tarnee, Jadden and Dhakota, then our non-bogues beyond the seas, armed and prepared by our expat population, would carry on the struggle.

And what shall they say of us?

Never have so many owed so much to so few.

BTW – Can I be minister for information? I think I might enjoy it.

21 05 2010
vivisection

I’m good with that. I prefer the title Minister of “Information”. Welcome aboard !

21 05 2010
Benjamin

Thank you. I will carry out my duties as “honestly” as I can.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Oh Benjamin- you bring the coffee each morning. part of the job.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I will stick with my current role thanks. I promise to be attentive to c*nts that need glassin.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

Speaking of which – Fi is going to miss out on a cabinet post if she doesn’t turn up soon.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Excellent Simon – I’m hoping Fi will help provide direction in that dept. Go forth and gather us an army of c#nt glassing basterds! (Glorious preferably)

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Cheers, I don’t think Fi will want to be part of Cabinet. I would think she sees herself in higher position looking down on us and giving advice and guidance.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

And congratulating us on our new “trade”.

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Benj! You’re a Goebells for the 21st century – magnifique, mon cheri!

Please, please be info minister. (You know that the job entails NOT giving out info, don’t you? But you’ll have to make lots of long-winded speeches about how much you support free, open and transparent Gumment and information flows.)

21 05 2010
James

I want Minister for Education, but I really prefer the word “Czar” to “Minister”. Is this amenable?

21 05 2010
Benjamin

No problem Tombarina.

I had partially intended to show with my little copy-paste-with-trivial modifications above that I can do exactly that for your administration. Every so often, I will find a piece of populist propaganda that previously worked for someone else, tweak it slightly and send it on.

Apart from this, my job will consist of alternate periods of drinking and napping.

zzzzzzz

21 05 2010
vivisection

James, Czar sounds like the kind of guy needed for the important job of edumaction. I trust you will hand pick the wheat from the chaff, learn up the proper way and send the rest to the mines.

21 05 2010
Othello Cat

“I would think she [Fi] sees herself in higher position looking down on us and giving advice and guidance.”

Oh, so you mean like Secretary of the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet?

*snerk*

21 05 2010
T-ra

😀 Genius Vivisection!

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Can I join too? I don’t need to be a minister maybe an adviser or something? Like Lachy Hulme in The Hollowmen…Only not as delicious, and female, 😀

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Pinky ,
Has Viv got any one in charge of “Fashion Police” if not I think you should put yourself forward for the spot. ably helped by resident fashionistas Edna and Tombarina.

Just think of the fun at the beach confiscating budgie smugglers or ripping off Burquas ?
In between shooting those on the official list and glassing cunts, in both cases because of the vigor and accuracy of simons work i may have some spare time which i would selflessly contribute to your team. Esp if I can rip TA’s smugglers off.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

You’re in! Welcome aboard. 😀

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

JH,

I think you should put yourself forward for the spot. ably helped by resident fashionistas Edna and Tombarina.
If you saw me, you might reconsider me as the head of Fashion police. I’m a nerd!

5’3″, short androgynous hairstyle, dark brown hair, brown eyes and fair skin, 48Kgs, and can still buy kids shoes!! WOOT

I have a large collection of hoodies, phat pants, straight legs jeans, long sleeve tops and circa 1980’s cartoon t-shirts (Astro-boy etc;) I also own a lot of trainers.

I don’t wear dresses, but I will wear a skirt…if it’s over 35 deg C.

I wear black square framed transition coke bottle glasses and people mistake me for being gay. Which is awesome because I love to wind people up. 😀

Fashion isn’t my thing, I have my own style that has taken years to “perfect”. I am very envious of girls who can wear a dress and not fall over. 😀

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Pinky,
Will you let wear my pink tutu? It will surely cause hysteria and panic amonst the boags.

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I haven’t worn a tutu since I was 14. Think that was the last time I ever wore anything that resembled a dress.

The last thing we need is make the bogans panic, we have to witness that once a year at the post pre christmas sales. 😉

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Pinky – Minister of Medicine

You are totally qualified.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

thanks Simon…shucks

21 05 2010
vivisection

Pinky – you’re in, no fear! Minister of “Mental Health” – you will need to help us identify the bogans and decide wether they can be re-educated, or offered a one way ticket to Phuket.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

AWESOME!

I promise to fulfill my duties as Minister Health/Mental Health to the best of my abilities.

My policies:

For All:
Free medical, dental and psychologial/psychiatric care.

This will be funded via the medicare levy which will be 2% of your net income, before tax minimisation. This way, those with most pay more, and the poor pay what they can afford. All will be equally treated by doctors of all disciplines.

Private Health Insurance will remain, but will reduce the tax rebate percentage. (details to come later, after I make them up)

There will be medicare rebates on things like, myotherapy, dietitians, etc; to make these valuable Allied Health Services more available to people.

People diagnosed with terminal illnesses shall have 0% out of pocket for all health services. Support Services will also be put in place for the primary carers so that they have a better chance of staying healthy and able to care for their loved ones.

Mental Health will receive the much need funds. CAT teams, hospitals, psych facilities will be given resources to have fully functioning mental health sections, so that people will be able to receive the help that they need, when they need it. More mental health beds, more mental health ICU beds and facilities.

I will increase social service funding so that intervention and support will be provided and critical cases identified and strong supportive interventions are in place.

There will be a new facility built for assessment of bogans, those with a bogan quotient of 60% or more will automatically shipped to Phuket. Those under 10% will be allowed to stay. Those who fall in the 11% to 59% will be deboganised and released according to progress.

😀

22 05 2010
vivisection

Pinky ,Dont forget with 60% of bogues shipped off to Phuket, we can sell of their crap massive goods and use the money to improve things. There may be some left over for your health programmes when Tombarina and I are done. No promises though…

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

aww come on! I’ve work shopped my Portfolio Slogan!

“Ministry for Health/Mental Health Services. Run by mentals, for mentals”

Surely after we have knocked down those McMansions, (I envision a large turbine fan, that should do it) there will be plenty of room to build my Bogan Assessment Centre for the preservation of non-bogans. I more than happy to recycle all the bricks from the shit housing. 😀 Please, I really need these reforms!!

22 05 2010
vivisection

Pinky, of course your good work will be of the highest priority. The BAC is one of the first things we will need. Liking the slogan too. Maybe we could add something:

“Ministry of Health / Mental Heath, FundaMentals, run by Mentals, for Mentals.

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Vivi, WOO HOO…
And I like your addition to the slogan. We’ll have to do something about reprogramming the fundamentalist religitards too 😉

22 05 2010
Tombarina

Viv, I think P!nky’s done a maXXXtreme job on this policy. If policies could be expressed in ‘gun’ terms, hers would be cut like the Hope diamond and so ma$$ive that the other gym junkies would self-donkey punch in slack-jawed awe.

I particularly like the bit about staggered re-release from the sub-66ers into polite, non-bogan society. Obviously, stringent testing would be required.

Perhaps they could be given a couple of $K and sent to buy a vehicle-related product of their choosing. An LPG conversion is a pass. A fully sick sound system with subwoofers the size of a box trailer is a fail.

Or instructed to buy suitable attire for a race meeting. Citrus tones, external labels, accessories such as fedoras, or Matrix-themed ensembles earn them the hose; while a decent wool suit teamed with a tasteful shirt in a natural fibre, non-cartoon-character tie and smart dark shoes earns a thumbs-up.

Firm – but fair.

22 05 2010
vivisection

Brilliant policies, my only concern is finding and funding the huge amount of psych beds required for her undertakings. There might have to be a “too hard basket” for cases like the Coke Zero girl. In fact anyone who’s been on ACA /TT should immediately be given a free, one way ticket to Phuket. It may seem callous, but it’s really so Pinky doesn’t burn out. If we let these types stay they may pollute the few bogues that may be saved.

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@Vivi
The psych beds I need are for non-bogans. Bogan’s will be treated in the center for the preservation of non-bogans.

So don’t worry Vivi, I saw this problem in advance. 😀

@ Tombarina
I like your testing ideas. We should have a meeting.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Orthello Cat

Brilliant, just brilliant.

21 05 2010
T-ra

Tombarina,

If that was your platform, you would get my vote!

21 05 2010
west_melb_antibogan

pfft, no chance, you latte sipping, inner city living, intellectual, bleeding heart, political correctness gone mad, look aid drinking, wog loving commo.

How un-Australian of you.

$900 Plasmas and P!nk batts for ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

21 05 2010
vivisection

Did I mention the “If You Don’t Like It Feel Free F#ck of to Phuket *” policy – a one way ticket guaranteed on free application.

*arrival at Phuket cannot be guaranteed.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv,

What is your policy on imported goods? I am particually thinking of stuff made by C Audiger.

21 05 2010
vivisection

C Audiger wares are strictly forbidden, except at Halloween, so we can be reminded of how far we have come. Border Security will be vigilant and no cavity shall be left unsearched if illicit C Audiger wares are suspected.

If they are found, the dodgy fiend caught with them shall be made to live with the said sparkly, scratchy goods in the cavity they are found in, for one year and a day. Tough love. But for the good of everyone really.

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
I think I noticed somewhere above that viv was concidering a Pink Safari Suit.
Hope he recalls that that form of attire was a trade mark of Donny Dunstan !
How to explain that away? is he realy a nuvo socialist leader of the gay community?
all sounds a bit sus for a newly ensconsced benovalent dictator.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

We certainly don’t want any Donny Dunstan work going on. How about a smart jump suit a la Kim Jong Il. A dictator if ever there was one. The music is already written courtesy the South Park boys.

21 05 2010
vivisection

I can work with that. Not grey though, it washes me out…

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Peter Garrett used to wear an orange one if (short) memory serves.

21 05 2010
vivisection

prison bitch orange, might work…

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

But you’re so tall vivi!! It might make you look lanky..

21 05 2010
vivisection

Sounds like you might running some kind of Christian Audiger rackett Mr Hunter – i’ll be watching you and your carny lifestyle more closely.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Vivi, I think the TBL Writers should be the Ministers for media. 😀

22 05 2010
vivisection

What media? There will be no media Pinky. Look at where the media has gotten us to date! No , we will have a simple broadsheet slipped under people’s doors in the dead of night. Think of it like a hotel newspaper, containing everything you need to know to make your life more comfortable….

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Well they can write it then…better than the HS…

23 05 2010
Tombarina

Viv’s right, P!nky. Benj’s role as Information Czar specifically involves eradicating all of that nasty, complicating, depressing media – apart from our helpful, life-improving propagan…sorry, award-winning publication.

25 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

You’re right Tombarina, I was thinking like a bogan again, your correction is duly noted 😉

21 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Preferably on Air Torture, aka Jetstar

22 05 2010
vivisection

I was thinking of getting in a few old Aeroflot planes. No need for a fancy monitor showing you what’s underneath the plane, just look down!

22 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Inflight snuff movies…have your fifteen minutes of Maxxtreme Reality!

21 05 2010
martin

I was hoping http://www.populationparty.com/ would be able to run. Doesn’t look likely. They seem pretty sensible to me.

Labor are about making developers and tradesmen rich, Liberals are about making rich businessmen richer. Well, something like that anyway. I’m not a tradie and I’m not a businessman and even if I was I like to think I wouldn’t be whinging about the fact that I wouldn’t be able to employ people for five dollars an hour.

Big MEH to the election. Both the left and right sark.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

my thoughts exactly Marty!

21 05 2010
vivisection

Just in – In case you were thinking of trying it, thank god Nein have warned us not to :

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/health/1055299/eyeballing-vodka-a-new-trend-at-universities

21 05 2010
vivisection

Now we will see a bout of accidental glassings I’m sure. Be sure to watch the video too – fool with Justin Bieber hair eyeballs vodka…. The only thing I could see wrong with the picture was his collar wasn’t popped.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

!

That must be a practical joke.

Anyway, the stuntman is my favourite drink in this vein.

21 05 2010
James

Awful. I am really starting to wonder why I follow peoples’ links on this site. Despite being an academic, I am starting to think that there actually are some things I am better off not knowing.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Lucky I warned you – being on a university campus with regularity may put you at risk of succumbing to these kind of behaviours. You can owe me one.

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Thanks, Ninemsn! If not for your fearless investigative reportage, there’s an excellent chance I’d have tried to down a Bloody Mary via my eye socket tonight.

But now, I know better.

And because you’ve not specifically warned me of the ill-advisedness of shoving a chop bone through my temple, I assume it’s safe, so will try that instead.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

It’s harder than you would think.

21 05 2010
vivisection

James Hunter, Simon and your good self will undoubtedly reap the benefits of being loyal foot soldiers to the inner circle. Whilst I think it inappropriate to offer virgins, perhaps you will sleep better knowing what a contribution you are making for the greater good. Also, you have the right to rifle through the pockets of your glassing victims and keep 25% of the bounty. The other 75% will be needed to pay for our special state sponsored programmes.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Is that like a super tax?

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

On Glassin?

21 05 2010
vivisection

I think that if a person is identified as being a c#nt worthy of your fine glassin skillz, they should contribute to your employment costs and ongoing maaxxxtreeme skillz development. User pay system.. After all, the nation will benefit. and yes , it is kind of super!

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh, you are good at spin Viv. *Elephant stamp*

21 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I’ll move a motion of support for your novel form of revenue collection with a Dickhead Tax, S-GatA!

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I’ll second that. 😀

21 05 2010
vivisection

I knew there was something I was going to tell her.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Tombarina that is – re chop bone – why is this at the other end of the page. Damn fool interwebby . get me another interwebby

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Thanks for the f&#king heads-up beFORE I impaled my temple with a lamb cutlet.
Pointy and hurty. And Nein never told me.
*dials Slater and Gordon*

21 05 2010
Blueballs

Fuck it, I’m moving to New Zealand… And I should have done it last election!

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
so you go to the “Special K ” campus ???

I do not have any “prison bitch orange” but I do have a pink tutu used only for novelty telegrams and some birthday parties; so I am concerned at how much extra attention you may give me ! Mind you I have preformen at “Feast” in adelaide a few times and came away relatively unscathed !!

Tombarina
I do not have a cattle dog but will Two Beagle hounds do? They are very smart and now the season is achanging are very good under the king size doona.

Simon
I note you are retaining your present position. asside from cramps what else has he offered ?
Can I come on your staff? Im an excellent shot with the 243 and well above average with a glock. Surely either your security team or the emergency exteremination team could find a place??

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Consider yourself hired. We will use our Beagles for sniffing out those that need glassin or shootin.

21 05 2010
James Hunter

sounds “Super”

21 05 2010
James Hunter

above “special K” ment to be “Allbran”

21 05 2010
vivisection

as in full of shit?

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Fantastic,
only problem I see is the baying of beagles in full flight may be mistaken for the baying of politicians on the scent of an under the counter “plain brown paper bag” ( full of illicit moola understood) to missapropriate for their own use.
I mos humbly seek the guidence of yourself and El Presidante Viv in this matter
Your obdiante survant ……add crappium

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I suggest that I handle all brown paper bags. My beagle has not learnt to bay however he can clear whole suburbs when he farts. This may prove useful.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Its ok, Tombarina and I will graciously decide what missapropriate use of any moola may be. Anyone who qustions our fine work will be re-educated accordingly – thanks to Czar James and I’m sure Benjamin , Minister for “Information” can report the events accurately. Their will be no scandals…

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Viv
I suggest that the book 1984 be consulted for it has the most appropriate list of names for the ministries all in the one easy volume ?
cross reference with the people Hitler used as a guide for the “personalities” most suited.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Good idea, but it does worry me that some of the bogues may have actually finished the book in high school. George Orwell’s Animal Farm is another inspiration, but alas, that was made into an animated cartoon. We can’t have them cotton to soon. So we may have to mix it up.

I have a great coffee table book called ” Dictators Homes” which shows the decor in the homes of the worlds greatest dictators – that will definitely be referenced. I highly recommend it. I’ve even visited Ceacesu’s palace in Bucharest and have seen what one can do with access to a nation resources. mmmm crystal doors and floor to ceiling curtains whipped up by virgin nuns..

21 05 2010
James Hunter

I would have thought “virgin nuns” to be an oxymoron ?

Bit like why Jesus was not born there. they could not find three wise men or a virgin.

21 05 2010
vivisection

Depends on the nuns really.

22 05 2010
pb

the bogue might have some familiarity with 1984 but they probably aren’t smart enough to make the connection.
as for suitable interior decoration for your maxxxtremeliness’ abode, may i suggest blood red velvet curtains with 24 carat gold thread inlay, a three storey chandelier in your entrance hall, and an olympic size glass rooftop pool. you should also have room attendants for each room whose job is to open and close the doors, turn on lights, give foot massages, etc.

22 05 2010
vivisection

Saddam Hussein’s palace had some “amazing” fantasy art – murals of blonde, big breasted amazons fighting monsters – all airbrushed. Perhaps we can use this “style” of “art” to lure in bogue’s to the Bogan Assessment Centre. Of course it would have to be 3D.

22 05 2010
pb

let me see. we need five metre-high statues of a guy with massive guns, a sleeve tatt and multiple aussie swazzies (modeled on the physiques of such bogue-approved peoples as sam worthington, michael clarke, and tim cahill) glassing some illegals and simultaneously wrestling giant reptile-cross-bears while orange-hued half-dressed femme-bogues (who will look like a cross between lara bingle and krystal from big brother) fall out of their tops and leer in approval. bogue and boguette will don flag capes to make their irresistable attraction to bogans complete.

22 05 2010
vivisection

Yes, yes and yes again some more. Add some velvet ropes to the entry way and they are in! Oh, and maybe a big sign on the window saying “18 mths Interest Free”

22 05 2010
pb

done. plus a boost juice outlet next door.

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Viv

We could have maxxxtreme big screens and show soft porn as ‘art’.

Then all we need is a velvet rope. We could also have “pre-sale internet tickets”.

I can see it now, the bogan will be hypnotised by the maxxxtreme side boob, and once they go past the rope, bang, we’ve got them. We escort them to their “Assessment Room” and start testing their bogan quotient.

22 05 2010
Tombarina

Uh-Huh. Tombarina’s having NOTHING to do with canine flatulence. Not unless there’s a proven benefit for me. Oh, and mine.

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Yours Too ?
our girl dog is very delicate but the boy hound could class as a wepon of mass destruction in any catholic church… must find a castholic that goes to church to check that out i guess.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Give him a good bone the night before and then slip him into rudds temple of choice. Should clear the way for Viv and Fi to take over.

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Simon
sounds like a scheme.
What activates my boy dogs bum is any canned dog food or even more especially what we call “dog Devon” the plastic covered 3Kg sausage shaped “smallgood” from the refrigerated display. Im sure it has nerve gas or at least some form of poison gas in it.

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Anything but Pal works on mine, especially organic fertiliser.

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Oh god yes,I forgot the “Dynamic Lifter”

21 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I made that mistake once, I reckon he ate 5 kg before we cottoned on. He was one unwell Beagle and the smell would resurect Jesus.

21 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

When I was a lot younger, having parents who were trying to juggle imperial and metric (I was born at the time metric was introduced during the mid-70s), I thought lb/ft (pounds per foot, for anyone neither born before 1974, nor American) was a form of measure for polony/devon/fritz. Makes it sound even seedier than those alleged smallgoods are already.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Viv and Tombarina, Fi hasn’t shown her face yet.

21 05 2010
Benjamin

I think she’s too busy getting support around the party room to take the liberal leadership from Tony.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Sweet, she’ll be good to us wont she Benji? 😕

21 05 2010
urbanreverie

@Viv, can I be your Minister for Transport? Please, please, pretty PLEASE?

As Minister for Transport, I pledge not to use my government Fairmont Ghia to duck down to the nearest sex-on-premises venue, and I also promise the following sweeping changes:

(1) No more Chevrolet badges on Holdens. Any car thus badged will not get a roadworthiness certificate for annual registration.

(2) No more frangipanni stickers, either outside or inside any motorised conveyance. Again, the penalty is no roadworthy.

(3) Ford Territories shall only be permitted for people who actually intend to do some camping or off-roading. They shall not be permitted for people who only intend to go from their pig-ugly house in McMansion Lakes down to the 400-store shopping centre and back again twice a week.

(4) A substantial levy on petrol, to pay for a massive three-fold increase in investment in public transport to bring Australian transport systems up to European or Asian standards. If the bogans don’t like paying the petrol levy, at least they could now catch a bus or tram or train or ferry. Heaven forbid that – a bogan, willingly catching environmentally friendly, socially inclusive public transport! Having to share a carriage with those queers and Indian students and dippers and hippie bludgers and goths and people who … who … who are DIFFERENT!

This will probably be the biggest policy challenge during my term as Transport Minister … convincing the bogan to leave the car at home! Because, of course, a bogan’s car is just so integral to their sense of identity … insecure twits.

21 05 2010
vivisection

These sound like well thought out policies. I would certainly insist on not using the Govt Fairmont Ghia to get to a sex on premises venue. That would be tacky, and you would never get laid if someone saw you arrive in a fairmont. You may borrow a better car. I insist, and I’m sure Tombarina would support me on this. I heartily approve of your other policies though. If we can get the fatty bogans out of their cars and on to pushbikes, we will save on pretending like we want to give them medical assistance later. Make them get some real exercise. Lets see them Wii themselves to work, lazy f#cks.
If you wouldn’t mind monitoring the situation re personalised number plates, it will work out well. Welcome aboard!!

21 05 2010
Tombarina

Viv, Urbanrev has NO place in our oligarchy…sorry, democracy. Especially as Transport Minister. For Christ’s sake, there’s, like, well-thought-out policies’n’new ideas’n’stuff.
Clearly comPLETELY overqualified.

22 05 2010
vivisection

I was lured in by the sex on premises opener. My bad. I just thought it would be useful to have someone to make sure our helicopter was ready at all times, in case we have to be somewhere real fast.

23 05 2010
urbanreverie

Your helicopter is ready and waiting, Your Excellency. Now I know that you mentioned you dislike personalised plates – but how about a personalised aviation call sign? “Sydney heliport, this is Victor Hotel – Victor India Victor, demanding landing clearance, and if you don’t give it to me you get thrown into jail under my lese majeste laws!”

21 05 2010
Othello Cat

“A substantial levy on petrol…”

How about a user-pays road tax? Er, I mean, “vehicle kilometres travelled” levy. Use bogans’ sat-navs and e-toll transponders to track ’em and charge accordingly? And THEN use that money to pay for public transport.

Those days of doin’ do-nuts, burn-outs an’ bush-bashin’ would be over.

21 05 2010
James Hunter

otho,
have to exempt country people or they stop making all the good things that maccas and kfc turn into shit

21 05 2010
urbanreverie

Hi Othello,

I was thinking of restricting my proposed petrol levy to metropolitan areas – because people in the country need their cars and low rural population densities make it less feasible to provide public transport to replace private vehicles.

But then … I thought about just how funny it would be to have a whole bunch of bumpkin buck-toothed ruro-bogues turn up to a B&S ball on the 7:58 bus from Tumbarumba …. and without having the flat, solid surface of a ute tray – where the hell are they going to shag now? The looks of confusion on their faces while they try to think of a new place will be priceless!

Also, the “per-km-travelled levy” is an OK idea, but taxes a fuel-efficient Toyota Prius that has travelled 30,000km per annum twice as much as a guzzling V8 Conformadore which has travelled 15,000km.

So, by Ministerial decree, I hereby declare that my original edicts remain in force. 🙂

And as a Minister in the most benevolent dictatorship in human history, I must end all my proclamations with:

GOD SAVE THE VIV!

21 05 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter, requesting less information regarding your dog’s flatulence.

21 05 2010
vivisection

oh, f#ck my brown dog – hello pot, who’s black – how old were you when you surfed the waves at Copacabana, Moondoogie? That photo was taken the year I was born – and you called me old!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAH

21 05 2010
Dan

I was nearly going to leave this blog until this post – GOLD, absolute gold. Keep it up TBL, the TV show is coming (which will only be watched by bogans because we’ll all be sick of you by then!)

21 05 2010
Peter

Ask James Hunter # 9 – “how ought one dress this or that?”

James Hunter:

In our frightfully modern times, how ought one dress for a gents festive night on the tiles? Practically every week I recieve invitiations to these fixtures, and a strong sense of social duty obligates my occasional participation.

The age range at these affairs tends to vary, but it’s safe to say that a few of the younger lads will rock up and be ”on the pull.” And let’s face it, that’s only organic, natural and expected of all men the world over. So raiment to make a suitable impression with the squeaky sex must be something of a consideration for me as well.

Listed below are three possible ensembles for your scrutiny, and I appeal to your savoir-faire and worldly sophistication in sartorial for direction.

1 – Conservative look: grey wool-flannel two-button suit, pale-blue shirt, navy tie. Elegant; dignified.

2 – Trendy affair: sharkskin sheen one-button bum-freezer suit, pale-blue and beige windowpanecheck, button-down shirt, no tie. Narrow fashion cut.

3 – Clean-cut, modern suiting: cotton blazer, matching trousers, white linen shirt, dark tie. 60s photographer-look.

I await your input.

Peter

21 05 2010
James Hunter

peter,
with choices like that my suggestion would be to go naked

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

TBL, just keeps getting better and better!! Awesome.

21 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

hmm. Don’t change your email kids, you’ll get a new avatary-thingy-ma-bob.

you guys probably already know this… 😉

21 05 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter,

Plans for an upcoming luncheon are almost finalized. The guests include several local government oiks (career county council types) whose civic power and influence are needed for developing financial projects.
Exhaustive research revealed that the councillors all enjoyed a bit of steak, so a menu featuring Kobe beef with sauces pepper and Dianne served separately has been devised. The starter will be swimmingly fresh Hawkesbury River sand crab prepared in a rather Edwardian way. The whole lot will be served with local beer, white, red + port with cheese & desert then coffee. Brandy & cigars have also been obtained and are to be made available on request.

However, a question concerning their entertainment remains unanswered; precisely: what can be offered? As the venue for this luncheon will be a private boardroom, I was thinking that something along the lines of fishnet-stockinged serving wenches might be suitable. The bueaucrats – all jobsworths to a man – would doubtlessly love being spoon fed ice cream parfait by a big-boozied seductress (and the incriminating photo ops would be gold!). So do you think the choice of menu, venue and all associated follow ups is the best course of action? Or should we simply head out to the theatre and watch a play? (ideally, something by Noel Coward).

Peter

21 05 2010
James Hunter

Peter
for entertainment you should have them watch
“Waiting For Godot”
By Samuel Beckett

22 05 2010
vivisection

Or they could read Peter’s Blog, that was a good laugh.

22 05 2010
jed

ldp would be the best option, more chance of freedom and the first thing to go would be middle class welfare.

22 05 2010
chubbybloodfart

bogans always want to tell you something. Just had some dickhead give me the run down on my dog. unbidden of course. the potted history of the english bull terrier (bogans love them, more’s the pity, but strangely do not own them. the bully may have been the bogue dogue du jour back in the day, but it has been firmly supplanted by the staffy and the pitty. the bully is too intelligent and stubborn and trying to beat one into submission will not work as they don’t register pain and won’t respond to frustrated screaming. the bogan is therefore out of discipline options and thinks the bully is stupid. the reverse is, in fact, true.) anyway, on goes the ill informed diatribe with no opportunity for exchange or invitation to contribute. I let it wash over me and concentrated on a rainbow cast on the sidewalk by a butchershop window. the dog was just sitting and sniffing the breeze. when it was done I said “right. Cheers. Seeya.” and went on my way. it’s been chewing my mind all morning though, they just bleat at you whatever random shit has attached itself to their world view with no supporting evidence or reasoned consideration and no invitation to discourse. trained to think in sound bites. I had a grown adult actually say “great big new tax” at me last year. how does one establish one’s self as an “authority” with the bogan? how do you make it regurgitate whatever you want so simply?

22 05 2010
vivisection

say everything three times. emphatically.

22 05 2010
chubbybloodfart

colour and movement to repetitious sound bite must be some arcane euclidean formula only PRs know.

my wife says if you want bogans to remember something – write it on tits.

(omg did i just discover the reply function?)

22 05 2010
vivisection

I wonder if we could utilise subliminal tits? Maybe Maria Venuti and her Massive Cans could be used to spread the word – they just pop up wherever there is red carpet… The bogue wouldn’t be surprised to see her and couldn’t help but read the message

22 05 2010
pb

brynne gordon.

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Brilliant! Re-programming via boobs…BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

22 05 2010
chubbybloodfart

no.

22 05 2010
James Hunter

Chubby and viv,
another strategy is to tell them that you have it on the “quiet” from someone on the “inside”and that they should be careful to whom they pass it on.
within days every one in the boags circle of aquaintences will know. from there it spreads like wildfire.

22 05 2010
pb

can’t believe i missed the divvying up of ministerial responsibilities in the vivisection/tombarina dictatorship. i need a role too! what is left for me to do?

22 05 2010
vivisection

You’ve shown a penchant for interior design and fashion -Ze Fashion Police need solid leadership as someone mentioned earlier, and Tombarina and I will need someone to give final approval to all large statues / murals and park benches erected in our image and honour. Whilst they should be massive, they can’t be crass.

22 05 2010
pb

i have always wanted to be a fashionista, and i did want to be an interior decorator when i was nine. thankyou for giving me the opportunity to live out my dreams. and i give you my assurances that i’ll tread the fine line between massive and crass with aplomb.

22 05 2010
vivisection

pb, Specifically, I think we should encourage the newly liberated anti-bogue population to draw inspiration from the great fashionista Lee Lin Chin from SBS. And I expect to never hear Patty Newton shilling for Millers Fashion Club ever again! Oh, and no crocs and socks.

22 05 2010
pb

there’ll be no crocs at all with me heading the fashion police. i’m in favour of bringing a revival of the good tailoring of the 1930s through to the 1960s, but will also use the stylings of people like lee lin as inspiration for those who can pull it off. i will put an end to visible underwear, ban leggings as pants and jeggings outright and ensure everyone wears the correct size. there will be no muffin tops anymore. for the men, fluoro will be banned except for where it is necessary for work visibility, and fluoro items must be removed at the end of the working day. jeans that reveal the wearer’s underwear will be banned. all christian audigier-related items shall be banned, uggs as shoes shall be banned, stupid slogan t-shirts shall be banned. these measures should make our new society much more easy on the eye.

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

pb – 1930’s is an exception period of fashion.

I think Vivi and Tombarina have made an excellent choice you.

Can you outlaw budgie smugglers please.

22 05 2010
pb

budgie smugglers are officially added to the banned list.

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

What in the hell are jeggings? What is this horror you speak of?

22 05 2010
Tombarina

P!nk, I didn’t want to have to do this….but (and I say this with love) you really DO have it coming:

“Jeggings”, as I learned on this here site, is a jean-look legging. In other words, a camel-toe-in-waiting and not to be attempted for anyone born after 1998. Beeyatches….

22 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Holy shitballs batman, that, is…wrong. I of course optically changed the shape and colour of the model in my minds eye to maxxxtreme large and an orange hue of the skin a la severe and chronic jaundice.

In the words of Ricky Bobby…”Save me Tom Cruise”

I will use this jeggings as a bogan idenitifier for CPNB (center for the preservation of non-bogans)

22 05 2010
chubbybloodfart

@ viv,
that would put me in line for surgeon general…
“everyone take your pill and dance nice now.”

22 05 2010
vivisection

Yes Chubby, and you must issue sensible warnings regularly ” Smoking Winnie Reds may increase your chances of boganism” that kind of thing.

23 05 2010
Andrew

No problems with the ban on Winnie Reds, but if you threaten to take my Peter Stuyvs you will be in danger of a glassin!

23 05 2010
vivisection

actually its the massive packs of 50 Ciggies made up of woodchips and tobacco scraps that need the warnings.

23 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

There’s three types of bogan ciggies:

There’s the first type: 40-50 packs, like Hackallday, Horrorzone and Lungbreach. These are the ones often favoured by the poorer end of the bogan spectrum, due to their relative cheapness. Closer in spirit to the old-school type mentioned later, but being both on welfare and being attracted to other simple bogan pleasures, a compromise has to be made. No CUB would be caught with one of these hanging off of their lip.

Then there’s the second types as purchased by the CUB: ones that are supposedly aspirational, but not too obscure as not to able to find them at BigW/KMart: Dunghills, Pale Male (you are what you smoke), Benson & Hedges (don’t have an alternative name for them)—the aformentioned ones strictly by the 25 pack, no 20s, ‘cos ya gettin’ ripped off and besides, they’re strictly for poofs!—and for those who want maxxtreme sized smokes, Pornokings (Superkings) (can only get ’em in 20s, shit! But look how big my smoke is, see!). I got class, damnit! I drink Beck’s, Breezers and Beam Black Label. But I’m not a wanker! Trooly! But Look at moi! I’ve got money! Work on the moines! See my Hugo Boss suit with the label on the sleeve and my BMW X5 SUV in the carpark…

And of course, there’s the “like father/mother, like son/daughter” mainstays of Winfield and Alpine, though the younger set more go for the lower tar versions, thus Winnie golds are AFAIK the best-selling fags in Australia. True to heritage, but neither too povvo, nor too harsh and not too wanky either. As Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi! as a Southern Cross tattoo while pissed as a newt on Crownies or TED, driving along in your XR6/Chevrolet-badged SS ute; no one will question your credentials then, not even polite society (of whom amongst us keep our mouths shut and let our thoughts simmer until we come here amongst kindred spirits to vent our collective spleens).

Winnie reds (and to a lesser extent, blues) are strictly for old-school bogans, along with drinking VB/West End Draught/XXXX Bitter/Emu Export/Tooheys New. No fancy shit here, maayte! Come for a spin in my HZ Premier wagon!

Any bogan worth their tarred lungs would steer clear of most cigarettes that come in 20s, especially the old-brand soft packs, which are the preserves of both old migrants (well, at least who’ve not yet died from their habit!) and hipsters. They don’t drive, they ride fixed-gear bikes and if they did drive, it’d probably be a VW Beetle (no New Beetles) or a 1960s Valiant. Aren’t they what the oldies drove, with their ashtrays overfilled?

Of course, I forgot about the rest of us, include my good self, who of course don’t smoke and are smug gits who don’t mind saying so!

23 05 2010
urbanreverie

Hi Turnips,

You forgot one other type of bogan cigarette: The roll-your-own (or “rollies”, as they are known in Boganese). But roll-your-owns aren’t necessarily bogan; they’re most often smoked by the very poor (old age pensioners, the mentally ill, the jobless, people recently discharged from prison, etc.) And as TBL correctly points out, being a bogan has nothing to do with income nowadays.

Still, I’ve observed that some rollie brands are definitely bogan. White Ox and Winfield, 100% old school bogan. White Ox is also extremely harsh and noxious, and I could never tolerate more than three puffs. Among a certain type of old school bogan male, the ability to smoke White Ox and not retch in horror is seen as a badge of masculine pride.

Champion and Port Royal are more for the impoverished, socially isolated, bachelor senior citizen. Not necessarily bogan.

Meanwhile, Drum seems to be preferred by the kind of working- or lower-middle-class smoker who isn’t broke, and would rather smoke a middle-of-the-road tailor-made brand like Peter Jackson or Benson & Hedges, but smokes rollies to save a bit of money. Drum is also milder and has a sweeter, mellow aroma compared to other roll-your-owns. I’ve known some bogans who’ve smoked Drum, but also quite a few non-bogan men and women with stable jobs and no other bogan habits – nurses, accounts payable clerks, railway signalmen.

And the CUB would never even dream of being seen smoking any roll-your-own. Heaven forbid that a CUB might share habits with those low-income people it’s so desparate to dissociate yourself from! But the old school bogan and some non-bogans aren’t quite so fussy.

And like you, I don’t smoke – even though I used to I don’t now, and every time I smell smoke at a pub or on the street I cringe and scowl and now I’m a smug git too!

23 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Agreed, urbanreverie, agreed! Sorry I hadn’t gone onto discussing rollies (and spinning off on matters of liquor and automotive), but you covered that ground exceptionally well, so cheers to you for that :). White Ox, as far as I know, was the only tobacco you could procure whilst cooling one’s heels at Her Majesty’s Pleasure, as well as having a choice of Winfield Blue or Red.

I too know (and sadly, knew) a few who turned to roll-you-owns: a handful that fall into “old” bogan category, but there were another few who smoked them, because of the superior taste (admittedly, some pouch tobaccos have a very seductive aroma). Amongst them is a man in his late 40s, very urbane, well-spoken and dapper (thus decidedly anti-bogan), and smokes RYO Port Royal or Amphora in his small shop/office, in spite of state health regulations.

The other number of people I know who use pouch tobacco are some pot smokers who make spun joints/cones with it…they at least make a small effort to choose a softer-smoking blend to leaven the harshness of weed. Most bogues whom I’ve known (amongst some parts of my family, they are the dominant culture, but I try to keep myself at a respectful distance) who use cannabis just use the tobacco from whatever cigarettes they use. Yuck. Almost as bad as saving the fag-ends and smoking them when they’ve run out of cash to buy a new pack.

23 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

And I forgot about another renamed brand, beloved by the old-school bogan smoker: Peter Hacks-on.

There was another old brand, which I think vanished in the 1990s, called Ardath: I nicknamed it Arghh, Death. I think all the Ardath demographic must’ve succumbed after all.

And who can forget that other old brand, Craven A? “You know what it stands for, son?” an old bogan asked me when I was a younger man.

“Um, no. What does it stand for?”

“Can’t root a virgin every night, ay!”, he cheerfully chortled, just before shucking a freshly landed lung oyster.

24 05 2010
vivisection

I have a beautiful old advertisment from the 1930’s for Craven A – stating it is a “healthful cigarette” – Young woman with a finger curl perm tells how she smokes over 100 Craven A’s a day and never has a sore throat, her Dr recommended it!

Spot on re White Ox being Prison Issue, or at least it used to be – you could tell a new release because they wore Dunlop Volleys and smoked White Ox.

You did forget to mention the aspirational cigarette for young bogues – It used to be Stirling Silver or St Moritz, a slender white ciggie with a gold band and skiing connotations! Classy – they were cross alpine and cigar in flavour. I don’t know what they smoke now, but no doubt something is on the market to fill the void.

24 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Ahh, yes, St Morries: instant bogan cachet, bought by the type who thought that a 1976-79 Ford LTD (the one with the Rolls-Royce style grille) was the height of motoring sophistication, all the while being cheaply and easily serviced by themselves (or at worst, by a mate). I remember the ads in the magazines, on the back page, glossy in that inimitable 1980s style.

But I did mention what CUBs would smoke, and they were “aspirational” brands, like Dunhill, Pall Mall, B&H and even Marlboro: all international brands (ergo, cosmopolitan cred) but still easy enough to purchase pretty much anywhere, available in 20s and 25s, but the bogue of course will go for the 25, as it’s “better value”, or if size matters, Superkings are the go for them.

24 05 2010
chubbybloodfart

on durries (get it right people):
I smoke. and I smoke white ox. previously smoked stuyvies and dr pat.
before smoking became complete anathema, dr pat was to hippies as white ox is to the ex con. believe it or not, I did once do a short spell at HM’s leisure (I’ve done everything). In those days one was issued with a tobacco called Flagship and one had the option to buy white ox. flagship was referred to as “boob” and one could swap a single ox pack for three boob. I actually won the lotto in gaol. Picked all six numbers and won twenty two packets of boob. I gave it all away to bobby keruish about a fortnight later because I thought I was going to quit. about a week later when I realised I wasn’t going to quit and asked bobby for some ‘baccer back he threatened to kill me. I wasn’t too concerned, I was having Dr Pat smuggled in anyway. (it was a low security prison farm). also whilstg in gaol I invented the fashion trend for giant shorts. yep that was me!
I am also responsible for “bedhead” hair. but no-one’s listening…
they’re all waiting for the new post.
where was I?
oh yes. White Ox is actually quite smooth and full flavoured. I’ve been on it for about ten years now and just can’t smoke anything else. not even my beloved stuyvies.

24 05 2010
vivisection

Good lord, I forgot about Dr Pat. I started smoking when i was 12 years old and gave up 7 years ago when I turned 30. I never could get into rollies, regardless of how poor I was as a student or when I was on the dole. The very idea of smelling port royal makes me gag to this day.

24 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Thanks Chubb for setting me straight: they’re durries, of course! Uh, duh!

I must confess that I did once take up the ghastly habit: the odds of me not being a smoker were decidedly slender (80% of my relatives are or were smokers). So I did briefly get on the durries. Mind you, that was at a point when I ought to have known better: I was 26 at the time, not as if I were some misguided 14 year-old attempting to attain adult status. Alas, I gave it away only after the end of two weeks, having got through the end of only my third pack of Marlboro Menthol 20s (popular amongst SE-Asian students, whom I worked alongside with, and not enough “value” for your average bogan of any stripe). I only took it up while I was working in the hospitality industry in a shitty job, governed by the substandard conditions set out in a WA workplace “agreement” (i.e. agree to these depravations, or DCM). While on break, I’d chat to my colleagues and to pass the time, I started to share in their cigarettes.

I actually kinda liked the taste of the Marlboro Menthols two drags in, but after the third, the taste was progressively less appreciable, until it tasted like the proverbial at the end. So once the third pack was finished, I thought, “shove this mug’s game!”, and gave it away. Mercifully, I’ve not got hooked onto the nicotine, despite the fact that my mother smoked when she was carrying me in the mid-70s; perhaps it was a “hand-to-mouth” habit, like my sister has with her smoking (ergo patches or gum are of utterly no help to her whenever she tries to quit).

2 06 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

mercifully the beneficent and blessed Labour Party have led me to a place where I can see an end to mon fumage in the seriously not too distant. oh beauteous party, is there no corner of my sad existence into which you can not extend a fabianesque and elucidting hand?
Also I’m sitting on a verandah in a wet and chilly mountain drizzlemist in case I stain the paintwork or poison the earth faeries or something…

3 06 2010
Tombarina

Translated: you’re gonna quit?

Go the Champix – 20 years of half-ar$ed quit attempts and fully-ar$ed resumption successes, then along comes Mr Champix.

Both the Beloved & I kicked the bungers, and without the usual accompanying $htfight. A couple of shaky days, and the desire to smoke was over.

If you have the genuine desire to stop, Champix makes it something akin to a doddle.

3 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

oops
that was a chubby comment.
edna does not smoke. much enamoured of the soft pack stuyvies, a couple of years ago she just stopped. Just like that. baffling. and then last year on a three month road trip, she starts again and then just stopped when we got home. Baffling. bitch. and she runs five or ten k’s a day…
freak.
beautiful freak.
I have some sort of compulsive smoking syndrome. the white ox and the old rope.
I did try the champix last year. stopped for about a week. easy as pie. just felt a bit odd, but no withdrawl. I will do it again. christmas was just a bit of bad timing

3 06 2010
Tombarina

Fond as I am of your bride, I’m now inching towards firm dislike – oh, how I wish I could do the on/off/on/off thing. Well, technically, I can, but not the Beloved – he’s a boots’n’all kind of bloke. It was always either going to be 40/day or none, and he couldn’t quit with me having the occasional one. So I pretty much took it to competitive level, too. Previous quit attempts were not attractive affairs!

Yeah…bloody Christmas. Always elbowing into the middle of the festive season, and buggering up your holidays with, I dunno, Christmassy-stuff.

3 06 2010
vivisection

When I quit, I carried on about it with great fanfare – the usual “everybody, look, my last cigarette” , ” ooh look, my Nicotine Patch”, “Oh, these patches sure are itchy”, ” I think I can smell again”. All on day one. I was giving quarter hourly updates on how I was going to anyone who listen, and then Mr Viv turned around and told me to let up because he had gone cold turkey three days earlier. I hadn’t even noticed. We both have managed to last 7 years though which is something.

10 07 2010
dikkii

Hi,

I hope that you can help me out, because I’m trying to win an argument with someone on this topic. You wrote:

Despite the fact that Zimbabwe and China are two countries that provide the largest slices of our refugee intake…

Where did the stats for this statement come from?

16 10 2011
between Utah-Nevada

My brother suggested I would possibly like this website. He used to be entirely right. This post actually made my day. You cann’t imagine simply how so much time I had spent for this information! Thank you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: