In its unending quest to be as xtreme as possible, there is no gimmick too improbable, no shortcut too astounding, and no celebrity endorsement too smarmy for the bogan. This fact has sustained marketers for years, who appear to make substantial secret wagers with each other about who can devise the most ridiculous bogan fitness fad. Also complicit in this symbiotic orgy are scaremongering consumer affairs shows such as Today Tonight, which oscillate eagerly between giddy stories about miracle innovations, and enraged stories about the scams of “miracle innovations”. Throughout this process, the bogan believes, purchases, views, and condemns on cue.
Currently, the bogan is being lured by the promise of up to “500% more power, flexibility, and strength”. All from wearing a rubber wristband with holograms on it. Even the bogan is initially skeptical about such a claim, but its mind is instantly put at ease when it sees that there are celebrity sports stars endorsing it. Much to the marketer’s relief, the bogan’s ingrained anti-intellectualism means that it does not crave evidence for any science-related claim that a non-scientific celebrity may make about “bio-field energy”. This rubber wristband costs $60, and the bogan is enthused to hear that Power Balance also makes other branded accessories to help the bogan buttress its tenuous identity. Of foremost appeal to the bogan is a pendant “made of Sterling Silver from Bali and comes with a leather band. It comes equipped with two PB holograms embedded on the back under a clear epoxy resin window for easy viewing.” The bogan will purchase this product without hesitation, creating an exotic Balinese look when paired with its Bintang singlet. If the two holograms in the pendant don’t provide adequate intense power to the bogan, it can purchase a sheet of 10 hologram stickers for a mere $150.
Central to the bogan’s desire to purchase Power Balance bands is the “secret” wearing of the bands by a number of Australian sportspeople. NRL star Benji Marshall is in on it, wearing it in recent games. And, predictably enough, TBL favourite Brendan Fevola is also currently wearing a poorly concealed Power Band on the field. It is rumoured that the Power Band enables Brendan to glass a cunt while standing on one leg and urinating on someone else’s girlfriend’s moving car.