#86 – Melanin

16 02 2010

The bogan will not be able to offer you a definition of what melanin is, despite being extremely interested in the topic. What it is, is a class of compounds found in plants and animals, and the bogan also finds at the beach. Bogans of both genders have been known to remain at the beach for hours at a time seeking melanin, sometimes walking around purposely, sometimes lying motionless in patient wait. By the end of the day, the sunburnt bogan has usually managed to acquire some melanin, along with a few wrinkles.

Forever on the lookout for a quicker, more x-pensive, more x-treme way to accomplish a task, many bogans turned to tanning lounges in the 1990s to get their hit of melanin. They would pay $20 to lie in a plastic tube and get blasted by lamps. The pungent smell of coconut oil and burning human flesh constituted a dizzying reward for the newly bronzed bogan, and they returned again and again. This continued until about five years ago, when young St Kilda local Clare Oliver spent too much time in tanning lounges, developed a melanoma, and engaged in a publicity process to warn the bogans that their melanin cravings were potentially fatal. She died in 2007 aged 26, and her message got through to many bronzed bogans.

In the three years that followed, the number of solariums in Australia declined by a third, but the bogan’s desire to be bronzed did not decline at all. The shift in bronzing tastes coincided with a proliferation in spray tans, creams, and lotions. These eagerly purchased fake tanning products come with the promise of transforming pale bogans into the colour of “ethnic” people that they do not like. This oddly contradictory aspirational racism is rarely effective, with the bogan ending up a blotchy shade of orange. Often, the bogan will attempt to combine a day at the beach with the excessive application of fake tan, creating vast tracts of visible orange flesh (often punctuated by tramp stamps and tribal tattoos). Some of the more striking demarcations of the bronze-hungry bogan are the much dreaded “vegemite knees”, where the poor application of a poor fake tan product results in series of dark brown creases at the joints, presumably rich in vitamin B… for bogan.


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98 responses

16 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. OMG, I’d never considered the strong relationship between the Australian Bogan and the New Jersey Guido before: http://publicaddress.net/assets/img/hardnews/GuidoOompa.jpg

16 02 2010
Simon

For your further consideration this helpful video shows the Guido in it’s full glory and amply shows the link to Bogans (watch for the bitch fight at the end).

I think the need to tan excessively needs further thought. In Thailand to have a tanned skin shows low breeding and menial labour and is avoided at all costs. Is the bogan sub consciously displaying it’s place on the totem pole of society?

However it is also very popular amoung women who would consider themselves to be at the top of the pole (along with their botox and popped collars) so go figure.

16 02 2010
Tony D

Regarding tan = lower status in society, it’s very true for a lot of Asia. Since farmers spend all day out in the sun, while daddy’s princess spends all day indoors inside shopping centres and beauty parlours…

16 02 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Wow it sounds like Asia has its own bigoted boganry. Good for them!

16 02 2010
Bogue

Time for Bogue to move to Asia, where my pastey complexion will place me at the top of said totem pole! Then it is I who will be king!!!

16 02 2010
Nelson Esq

Sorry Bogue, being Australian many Asians will still consider you to be ‘White Trash’.

16 02 2010
Bogue

…and yet, will try and emulate my pastiness. Bigoted boganry indeed! Could spray tans be the Australian bogan’s secret desire to assimilate in the wake of the 1980’s ‘Asian Invasion’?

Oh well, there goes my short-lived moment at the top…back to bogan’s pummelling sporting equiment into my face at the beach.

16 02 2010
Nelson Esq

…and I thought that ordering Special Fried Rice with Beef and Black Bean from the Chinese take away in the Westfield food court was the whites assimilating with the Asians…

16 02 2010
boag's

No.

The status of tanned skin in western society originates from the ability of higher classes to holiday in warm coastal regions. Especially, the Hamptons in North Eastern United States.

While in Asia, dark skin signifies the ability to work indoors, dark skin in Europe signifies the ability to travel and enjoy coastal leisure.

However, this has become less of a class indicator in Europe and America as air travel has become increasingly common and accessible to the masses in the last 10-20 years.

17 02 2010
James

I knew there was a reason I associated tans with wankers.

16 02 2010
Linda

At least bogans were smart enough to respect and understand Clare’s story. They’re are painting their bodies orange however, orange or not – they are avoiding skin cancer.

16 02 2010
Ethan

I agree with you Linda. Clare’s case was sad and especially at a young age. The fact that in her dying months she advocated against tanning salons to create public awareness and to open people’s eyes to the dangers was commendable. Anyone painting there skin a shade of orange is definitely a funny site to behold, but skin cancer is never a laughing matter, in any age, race, social demographic what have you.

16 02 2010
Tone

I wonder how long it will be until we see bogues naming their kids ‘Melanin’?

16 02 2010
Paddington

I actually saw a Cahlua the other day. Until then, I’d always thought this was more of an urban myth.

18 02 2010
Mark of Pyrmont

Do you perchance refer to ‘Kahlua”?

16 02 2010
Beck

Could someone please remind me why it’s so bad to have white skin, again? I don’t understand anyone’s compulsion to be tanned, fake or not.

16 02 2010
Linda

I actually agree with you!

16 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Because you look unhealthy and hideous. Therefore smearing chemicals over your skin is so much healthier and better for you and your self esteem and X-tremeness.

16 02 2010
Bogue

I agree Beck, no offense to those of us who may be quite tanned (through no fault of their own), but I’d always thought heavy tans on Caucasian people made them look dirty – perhaps that’s inverted racism at its best? Gleaming white looks far more attractive in my opinion.

16 02 2010
Jodie

As an ice-cream white ranga (which I quite like- my colouring has never made me feel “less than”) I have to agree with those who are baffled by the obsession with tanning. I actually remarked to a friend the other day what the colour scale is at tanning salons. “Hello, miss. What will it be today? The “tandoori” or the “Oompa Loompa”?”

16 02 2010
Simon

Priceless Jodie.

16 02 2010
brad

they all want the tradie look without the,you know hard work in the sun bit

16 02 2010
boag's

Pasty white skin can make a person look sickly.

Darker skin tones also reflects more light to highlight contours in body shape. For guys, this means the appearance of greater muscle definition. For girls, this highlights curves such as the breasts and buttocks in a bikini. Pale people on a beach actually look very unattractive. Stretch marks, pimples, scars and other marks are also more visible on pale skin.

17 02 2010
James

So it goes well with Xtreme biceps, and pre-baby weight?

16 02 2010
j-ho

The wiki entry linked says Claire died in 2007, not 2006.

Fixed. TBL

16 02 2010
j-ho

Also, where the fuck is that photo from!?

16 02 2010
Marmalade

I think it’s the St Kilda forward line, isn’t it? Probably daubing their faces in the memory of poor Clare.

16 02 2010
Simon

Or Idol auditions.

16 02 2010
Bogue

Or Oompah Loompah auditions.

16 02 2010
James

Surely its a product of photoshop. I have seen some pretty bad looking fake tans, but nothing like that. I still have enough faith in the basic humanity of the bogan to believe that it is not possible to make yourself look like that, look in the mirror, and tell yourself that you look good. Surely there is no one that deluded?

16 02 2010
Simon

No James it is true, see the video I have posted below for further proof. I agree though, surely a glance in the mirror or a scornful family member should wake them up.

16 02 2010
James

Oh. My. God. That is the worst thing I ever saw. And I watched Waterworld all the way through.

16 02 2010
Bogue

I’m sure they were so busy forming their ridiculous hair-styles to even notice…if no-one had informed them they had hair like a Werribee shore break, chances are their orange face were never going to raise an eyebrow.

Are we sure this isn’t a Hey Hey Its Saturday ‘curry face’ sketch?

16 02 2010
Lee

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2007/05/hcwdb-of-week-oompa-prompa.html
All true, read it and, umm, laugh or weep…………..

16 02 2010
Bogue

A night out on the Esplanade for Nick Riewoldt and Steven Milne?

16 02 2010
Simon

Bogue 100% spot on. I recognise them now under the paint.

16 02 2010
Simon

To see x-treme melanin abuse check this out. Also shows where the photo came from.

16 02 2010
Kaiks

Disgusting.
A good ducklips spotting video though.

16 02 2010
Simon

The official term is Kissy lips apparently. Not sure why it is cool but then alot of what is cool mystifies me.

16 02 2010
Loftie

I’d never seen a shade of skin colour on a person before…

I’ve seen the movie Hellboy 1 & 2… this is only the 3rd time i’ve seen a shade like that….

16 02 2010
Kaiks

Kissy lips and duck lips are not the same. The video is riddled with duck lips, I didn’t notice any example of kissy lips.

16 02 2010
Simon

Kaiks, I will bow to your greater knowledge, on the Hotchicks with douchebags site they call it kissy lips so I was going with that. Either way they do look fucking stupid though.

I wonder where it came from this lips thing. Is it a sign to invite rough trade?

16 02 2010
Kaiks

Could be a tomayto/tomahto thing though.
Haven’t looked at that site, but the definition on urbandictionary.com seems pretty accurate. They have a definition for Kissy Face which includes a head tilt.

I think it started off as a pout but that was all too subtle so it was taken to the extreme and subsequently deformed.

16 02 2010
Shmelly

Ducklips? Kissy lips?
Looks like a cat’s bum to me… a marmalade one at that.
Whatever they are, yuk.

16 02 2010
j-ho

Most of those pics are from ‘Hot chicks with douchebags”

16 02 2010
Simon

One of my favorite sites.

16 02 2010
JimC

GAH!!! What the hell is that!?!

Auditions for the Oompa Loompa float at this year’s Gay Mardi Gras?

16 02 2010
Loftie

My favourite line:

“These eagerly purchased fake tanning products come with the promise of transforming pale bogans into the colour of “ethnic” people that they do not like. ”

Vegemite Knees… hahaha I’ve never heard it be called that before… very well said…

I’ll remind my wife about that before she attempts ‘another’ fake tan before a wedding we are going to in a couple of weeks…

Why can’t we just be white??

16 02 2010
Simon

Loftie,

Does your wife know about your other woman?

16 02 2010
Loftie

My fair madien Fiona? No… she does not…

My wife is a bogue like me, which is why I long for the embrace of a high-class woman such as Fiona…

She makes me go all tingly like that first massive can of Mother in the morning…

*Ahhhh….*

16 02 2010
Simon

Loftie, go clean yourself up. Stains are unsightly.

16 02 2010
Loftie

it was more a sigh, and a dreamy stare…

get your mind out of the gutter… we’re talking a lady of class and elegance here….

16 02 2010
Simon

Sorry, misread the Ahhh. Carry on.

16 02 2010
Olly

she makes me feel vaguely ill

16 02 2010
Kat

Vegemite knees! Gold.

16 02 2010
Robbie

Yes I find it hilarious that bogans will spend hundreds of $$$ on fake tans to look ‘darker’ and then go around calling all people of non anglo saxon/celtic background ‘black cunts’!!

16 02 2010
Kate

Oh the irony/hypocracy!!!

16 02 2010
brad

so all bogans who get fake tans are anglo saxon/celtic?

16 02 2010
hel

but isn’t there a real juxtaposition between a “real” tradie and the bogue? I mean a “real” bogan tradie would beat the crap out of his best mate if he turned up for work looking like the above, yet he probably goes home and becomes master of his own domain to a slideshow of similar images to the one above…………. (things bogans like – spitting out catch phrases from pseudo intellectual TV shows)

16 02 2010
brad

as long as its kept in-house and not exposed too the general public this type of behavior is acceptable

16 02 2010
Tony D

I don’t think many bogans heard the message at all about skin cancer, I know plenty who love nothing more than going down to the beach and getting cooked for a few hours. The rise is fake tans is because of the bogan’s love for getting everything straight away (eg interest free periods at Harvey Norman). You’ll still see plenty of southern cross and barbed wire tats down at the local beach.

16 02 2010
pinky has a brain

Do you think the bogan’s desire to tan, could be apart of ‘natural selection’? If they all get skin cancer…

It could well work in the opposite too, they could end up being born orange…muhahaha

16 02 2010
pinky has a brain

sorry about the grammar…where’s the edit button…teehee

16 02 2010
berihebi

There’s gonna be a new race. Kids are gonna start it up. They’re all gonna mutate . Kids are saying yeah cunt.

16 02 2010
berihebi

Yeeaah cunt. Really gonna glass you up.

16 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Hey Radio Birdman remix – totally retro and classic old school bogan.

I’m incredibly impressed.

16 02 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Bogan, I wanna say thank you for all you’ve done for me. The night is dark and empty, now you’re not on VB.

Book him, tan-o. Melanin one.

Apologies. Big fan.

TBL #87 – Bad puns.

16 02 2010
toony

Haha…nice one. Although ‘Descent into Maelstrom’ would be probably more appropriate? 😉

16 02 2010
Bogue

One of my work colleagues was complaining about his 13 year old daughter demanding a spray tan just this morning – unfortunately, as a divorced single father, he has no choice but to comply. Why can’t our children just be children?

16 02 2010
Simon

Don’t mean to be rude my friend but why do single fathers have no choice? Surely parenting is parenting. 13 year olds should not be allowed to demand anything, they should be taken out the back and shot, Heil Hitler, opps sorry got a bit carried away there.

16 02 2010
Bogue

His opinion, of course. However, through extensive observation (and not my own experience, thankfully) if one parent takes a stand against the child’s wishes (in this case, a spray tan, which was quickly followed by a sleep-over – read, vodka drinking bings and subsequent hospitalisation!), the child cuts that parent off. If the favoured parent wishes to continue the one-upmanship, the course to follow becomes very clear – give the little treasure everything they want, thus derailing the parenting process almost entirely. This seems to be particularly relevant with girls and their mothers, as the girls tend to want to ‘grow up’ early (emulating anything from Hannah Montana to Desperate Housewives), and the mothers relate to the daughter’s desires to do so. It can get messier than a cheap spray tan.

16 02 2010
Simon

And the kids understand the parents need to compete and exploit it to the full, the parents being unable to co-ordinate a response because they are too busy hating each other.

16 02 2010
Bogue

Exactly…I was flabbergasted by the concept of a 13 year old wanting a spray tan! Imagine how orange a (formerly) pastey freckled 13 year old girl would look with a spray tan? Oh so natural.

16 02 2010
Simon

Perhaps her Dad should be given the photo to show to said daughter, would scare me out of it.

16 02 2010
Bogue

Good idea, I can barely bring myself to look at it.

16 02 2010
Robbie

yes just a tad Simon 😛

16 02 2010
daniel

My dad is MD who focuses solely on skin cancer. He told me that 99.9% of people aged 20-40 who need to be operated on are from the bogan demographic.

16 02 2010
Jodie

There’s a surprise.

16 02 2010
Jo

I grew up in Forster, NSW, where everyone has orange skin, transparent eyes and white hair (which makes me think the theory that caucasian human’s skin will evolve to be orange is already rife in Forster because they’re all like that from birth) . I have pasty/freckled skin and black hair…it was like being a Jew at a Barbie’s Christmas party.

16 02 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

That picture gives me a (Ed?) hardier cackle the more I dare look at it.

David Attenborough voiceover: “Fresh from a hotly contested and particularly messy bolognese eat-off, the hyperdoucebags appear in want of a hot chick. Will they succeed? Or will their libidos go unnourished, leading to that familiar, desperate last resort – glassing a c*nt? At this moment, the image of either of these two gentlemen glassing a c*nt might seem comical – perhaps even inconceivable. But the vigilant observer will note that after several hours of fruitless conquest combined with accelerated Heineken consumption, this fascinating beast will shed any warped preconceptions it has to personal elegance and revert to its most primal instincts. I’ll see if I can get a little closer…” *glass*

“I don’t approve of sunbathing, and it’s bad for you.” – Actual Attenborough quote. Topical.

16 02 2010
Simon

The eyes in the photo also seem to follow you like dead fish.

16 02 2010
r.jett

I understand the desire of some people for melanin. skin imperfections etc become highlighted on pale skin. Hence the overall bogan demand in looking anything but white. Sadly for the melanin challanged, the only options are white, pink or orange.
… I stuck with white.

16 02 2010
S-Man

16 02 2010
Gorey

That was funny, because it’s true. That means it’s also sad.

16 02 2010
hel

that looks like an Ed Hardy shirt

16 02 2010
Lee

Scary shit S-man. Looks like it was filmed at cronulla.

16 02 2010
hel

I cannot work out if those guys are twins or if it is just the frightening orange hue they are emitting that is screwing with my eye sight making me think they are one and the same. Imagine waking up next to that?

16 02 2010
brad

Wheres Ben Stiller?

16 02 2010
hel

I pray to god bogans never run out of things to like. Thank you 🙂

17 02 2010
you do the boguey boguey and you turn around

Whoa! Simon, that video trumps anything ever I’ve seen, or read about an Aussie bogan. I think we are lucky here in Australia, our bogans seem tame and civil compared to Bouge Americana. I challenge you, TBL and other readers to find anything in Australia on that level!

18 02 2010
hel

Just go to The Shed in Northbridge WA or anywhere in Scarborough…

25 02 2010
Annette

‘Bra Boys. Scary shit.

17 02 2010
pulang

One of the many things I love about living in Asia is how acceptable it is to shield yourself from the sun– I’ve never met a female who doesn’t “slip slop slap” AND use a sun umbrella while outside. Love it.
Years ago while at uni I worked in the beauty department of a major department store, and many bogans would come seeking my advice on the best spray tan. I was always amused when they asked me which one I used and recommended, as I have ridiculously fair skin and no desire to be orange! But my point is that it is so “normal” for them they think everyone does it.

18 02 2010
hel

I am ashamed to say, but felt it utterly self-depreciatingly in order, to say I am getting my spray tan tonight. For shame!

19 02 2010
Simon

Hel, don’t do it, please!

8 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Oh, I must put this in as it was hilarious at the time.

I turned on the television about a week ago and it landed on an episode of Dr Phil. It was about people “getting real” with themselves.
Suddenly it shot to a couple on a couch getting coached by this woman who I sh*t you not, was orange.
Not just your run of the mill Navel or Washington coloured orange. No, it was like a deep crimson orange.
A head shot of this woman who looked like she was going for the pumpkin look at Halloween was telling these poor schmucks to “get real” with themselves!
So ridiculous that I seriously thought it was MAD TV!

16 04 2010
bagoturnips

Has anyone ever heard of Melbourne band ROOT!? Features former TISM frontbalaclava Humphrey B. Flaubert, now known as DC Root. Same withering observations on various facets of Australian suburban life.

On their 2009 album, Surface Paradise, there’s a wonderful track called “Orange People”: not referring to the cult from the 1980s, with Ma Sheela (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ma_Anand_Sheela) of ‘tough titties” fame, but to those people who utilise solariums or fake tans.

Here’s some extracts of the lyrics for your consideration:

“They’re sizzling in solariums like bratwurst on a grill
Yellowcake complexion from Club Med Chernobyl”

and:

“Orange people in the corporate world climbing up the ladder
Doing coke but looking more like Fanta”

Listen here:

9 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

All my bogue/boguette friends and acquaintances are into the tanning. I laugh at all of them cause I was born with one.

My dad and I used to joke that given bogan’s obsession with getting darker and Indian/Asian people’s obsession with lighter skin, there must be some kind of ideal skin tone in between. I reckon it’s mine.

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