#45 – Weddings: Her Big Day

10 12 2009

Saturday morning, 11am. The bride is fifteen minutes late, just as she planned it. She is ready for her day. The groom and his five men stand in their rented suits with lavender cravats and pocket hankies ($1,500) looking generically awkward/nervous, just as she planned. The bridal car arrives; the stretch Hummer ($2,000) makes a fifteen-point turn in order to get in the church’s ($5,000) driveway. The bride and her five maids spill out, each tripping over in an effort to avoid stepping on her strapless, yet veiled, gown ($5,500). They stand, waiting, freezing in the (unplanned) bad weather in their unnecessarily short lavender dresses ($2,500), each an incandescent orange hue, their hair ($400) and makeup ($300) struggling to remain in place in the biting wind and driving rain.

As the iPod attached behind the scenes begins playing ‘One’ by U2, she appears, radioactive in her luminescence ($50), in the doorway. She then waits fifteen minutes more, as her retinue each pace slowly, sonorously down the aisle in intervals predetermined by Jenny, the wedding planner ($2,000). But first, the ‘adorable’ niece and nephew potter aimlessly down to the altar, confusedly tossing flowers in every which direction while drooling on their custom-made tuxedo ($300) and dress ($500). Speaking of flowers, bridesmaid #4 left hers in the Hummer, and dashes out to get them ($400).

Eventually, relishing in the incessant flash of her friends’ and family’s SLR bulbs, she arrives at the altar, a queer look of joy and resolute determination on her face. Her beau, and his accompanying entourage, are the embodiment of the opposite of their behaviour a week earlier – at the buck’s – as they cheerfully stand by and watch their mate cry like a little girl – right on cue, as the music swells, and the cameras point in his direction, and the videographer ($2,000) zooms in.

The priest ($400) smiles benignly on his supplicants, and begs them to sit. The bride is glad, as she hasn’t eaten for four days and is feeling woozy. The priest then begins to invoke his bog-standard collection of platitudes for the massed horde, which laps them up enthusiastically, as they mirror those seen on every television wedding ever broadcast anywhere. The fifth bridesmaid and groomsman, left with no jobs to do, are asked to make the readings, which are lifted from a list of possible readings offered by the priest, hence have no actual relationship to either bride or groom, as neither are really Christian. They do so, in the stilted, sing-song manner of those who have rehearsed studiously, yet struggle to pronounce ‘begat’.

However, the bride is insistent that their wedding be ‘different’. This caused some consternation, as, when pressed, neither party could conceive of how to do so. Until she stumbled upon the idea of personalised vows in her fifth issue of ‘Aussie Bride’ ($18.95). They spent minutes each googling furiously the best words they could steal from other people to develop their own special vows. Several minutes of ‘loves’ and ‘I will always put away the dishes’-style ‘vows’ later, the priest smiles benignly once again, asks the obligatory questions, receives the obligatory answers.

NOTE: We here at Things Bogans Like considered the idea of throwing a bunch of bogan vows your way, but then realised that YOU could probably do a better job! So try our new BOGAN WEDDING VOW GENERATOR! It’s good preparation for your very own big day…now back to the action.

After the formalities are completed, the party moves outside, and greetings are made. Then, the bridal party vanish, along with their extended family for the five-hour session of photographs ($7,000 – wait ’till tomorrow) in various locales. During this time, the guests return to their cars to make the hour-long drive to the remote winery where the reception ($200 per head = $40,000) is to be held. The guests arrive (petrol = $40, accommodation = $200), and dutifully place their gifts from the registry ($50-$5,000) on the allocated table. When the in-laws all arrive, they gently prod each other to discover which family spent more on the BBQ/dining set/honeymoon suite, until one father learns what he believes to be the truth, and struts off with a self-satisfied smirk.

The reception hall, clad entirely in white, and featuring a four-piece jazz band ($1,000), is full of tired, bored guests, waiting for the bar to open by the time the couple and their crew arrive.

Another 45 minutes later, the entire bridal party have been introduced and seated, and the eating and drinking begin in earnest. The cake ($1,000) is cut, before it collapses under its own weight. The dance (to Michael Buble’s version of ‘Moondance’) is danced. The groom’s uncle falls asleep in the corner. The fifth groomsman – the bride’s weird younger brother who no one really likes – has been sent to sit in the car after he touched up the maid of honour. The fathers-in-law have come to fisticuffs after one reneged on his responsibility to cover half of the $75,000 bill for the day. The bride, before leaving, tosses the bouquet. The ladies present make their obligatory gestures towards not wanting to stand in the pack before surreptitiously throwing elbows at one another in an effort to walk away the victor. The men present take careful note of which participants are most aggressive…

Finally, the groom carries his new bride upstairs to their suite for the night. Finally, after her day has run itself out, he can have HIS moment. He can nail a chick in a wedding dress. She falls asleep as he disrobes. Just like she planned it. He taps her on the shoulder, and says ‘You awake?’ She doesn’t stir. He contemplates doing it anyway.


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72 responses

10 12 2009
Benjamin

Oh the pain suffering misery and death.

Just how exaggerated are those numbers? They can’t be real surely. Can they?

Thanks for the chortle.

10 12 2009
Paul Keating

Remember that the difference between a cake and a Wedding Cake, other than the capitalisation and gold bow, is a profit margin of 3000%.. This is big business, the harnessing of people’s vanity and gullibility.

The best wedding (and by that I mean the most sincerely heartfelt and personal) I went to cost under $1000 and all happened as a picnic in a public park for 15 people.

11 12 2009
Right and proud

You know Paul, as a 24 y/o (single) male, I am starting to wonder myself if such a huge amount of money really needs to be spent to have a great wedding, one that will truly be memorable for everyone who attends?

If you ask me, it’s better to scrimp on the wedding so you have more money to spend as newlyweds- after all, a wedding only lasts one day. The actualy marriage itself is supposed to last “until death do us part”!

10 12 2009
Trina

Hahaha as someone who recently got married, those numbers are remarkably accurate, if you want to go the whole shebang!

I never considered myself a bogan, but then this week’s entries about the wedding….OMG…I am one!

Great site guys, I look forward to it every day!

Regards,

Trina

10 12 2009
SheikYerbouti

There are glaring inaccuracies in this article.

1) “As the keyboardist ($100) begins the sickeningly familiar bridal march,”
WRONG! They play a CD of Pachelbel’s Canon and Fugue. This is the only “classical” music known to the bogan (recognised from TV ads) and it’s “noice an’ classy an’ that.”

2) “incessant flash of her friends’ and family’s SLR bulbs” WRONG!
There are no SLRs. Bogans all use small pocket compacts, from Kmart’s $99 range, with “10 x digital zoom” (but no optical zoom) and attempt to take photos from 50m away, or in twilight from 30m away with flashes that have 3m effective range.

3) “The dance (to Michael Buble’s version of ‘Moondance’) is danced.”
WRONG! It’s still called a “bridal waltz” (cos a walz is classy an’ that) regardless of the song being in 4/4 time not 3/4 (3/4 is waltz time).

Other than these issues – GOLD 🙂

Undone by pedants… – TBL

16 12 2009
Beck

There is NO way a bogan even recognises a canon. Bogan bridal marches are always whatever ballad is in the Top 40 charts of the time, or is taken from their “101 Songs to Make Lurve To” CD. Hence the proliferation of weddings in the 1980s featuring Bryan Adams’s “Everything I Do (I Do For You)”. To a bogan, classical music is simply another way of saying “classic” music, which is anything by Barnsey, Farnsey or Hunters and Collectors.

19 05 2010
Aisle Song

AMEN, Beck! It is definitely not the Canon. The Canon is the cope out song for the silent majority, who don’t know (or care) what to pick but suspect, “if it’s good enough for our parents, it’s good enough for us.” Bogans, on the other hand, think only of that special moment they teared up to Shazza’s Lovesong Dedications on Richard Mercer. That’s right, Shania Twain all the way: “You’re Still the One” or “From this Moment”.

NOTE: It would appear that there is a new alternative bogan, who likes to play Lior’s “The Old Love” or Ben Fold’s “The Luckiest.” A shame, too… both are great songs.

10 12 2009
Bridal

A real bogan wedding would have a ‘wishing well/birdcage’ (to pay for the deposit on the block of land in a location without the benefit of public transport but which has a clarssy name like ‘Honeymeadow Watergardens’) the details of which were communicated alongside the DIY wedding invitation (with contrasting paper and an envelope to match) as WELL as a registry (to give the guests ‘choice’ you know). The tacky, money grabbing nature of the wishing well/birdcage (or it’s near cousin the Myer voucher/ Flight Centre honeymoon registry) would naturally be erased by the inclusion of a ‘poem’ which ends in a half-hearted reference to the fact that the guests ‘presence is present enough’.

You also left out the pre wedding bridal Maccas breakfast, the tossing of the garter, the individual entrance songs for each of the 10 strong bridal party, the Wedding DJ from Mobydisk and the final dance to ‘Time of your life’ by Green Day.

Unfortunately, we already went about 500 words over our self-imposed limit…an indication of the sheer weight of material this topic provides. Keep those suggestions coming! – TBL

11 12 2009
Dee

Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) is a bogan funeral song (after Johnno gets killed driving 150kmh at four times the legal limit), not a wedding song.

(Also another of those songs where the bogans don’t seem to have actually listened to the lyrics..)

10 12 2009
Ronny Jonny

I was in the bridal party at a friends wedding where the big trick was for the bridal party to enter the reception and all stand on the dance floor forming a circle and holding hands while looking solemn. Then music would start and we’d all dance like crazy! Ha ha! I believe the music was “Thats What I Like About You” by the Romatics. Erk!

10 12 2009
Ronny Jonny

Woops, Romantics… don’t crucify me…

10 12 2009
Indi

Or the Rheumatics, forthose of us old enough to remember it back in the day, before a red leather suit was a commonplace.

10 12 2009
Ronny Jonny

Oh and let’s not forget the traditional wedding meal, chicken or beef. With gravy.

10 12 2009
Emma

LMAO!

10 12 2009
Indi

You realise you shouldn’t be giving that wedding vow generator away for free? Some crafty wedding planner wil be sending Tahnee and Jason stuff from it and charging them for it.

10 12 2009
Anthony

Having been a veteran of bridal parties over the years the most cringe worthy bogan experience occurred for me in the early ’90’s. My friend who was being married organised, wait for it, a Michael Jackson impersantor for his new wife as we (the bridal party) were about to join in the wedding party dancing.

When the newly wed couple were about to dance this large box was dragged onto the floor, hit by a floodlight, the box collapsed and MJ jumped out and busted a move; it was so bad it was brilliant. Ah, the salad days….

10 12 2009
Ronny Jonny

Oh yeah, trumped! MJ impersonator is definetly more vomitous than fake spontaneous dancing…

10 12 2009
Shandarleeer

Don’t forget , nowdays you can dance down the aisle like on you tube. Its really happening people…..Crazy!

10 12 2009
shazza

Shandaleer, I shudder when I consider how many people are planning a keerrraaaazzzy dance down the aisle coz it’s just so cool and funny and then it will end up on You Tube and everyone will see how wild and keeeerrrrazzzzy they are. Uuurrrggghh!

10 12 2009
Emily

I met my man while trvelling home to Penrith one arvo… he was being chased coz he hadn’t bought a ticket, that was such a turn on…

We then got married at Rooty Hill RSL, it was such a fancy ceremony and I felt like a princess… I even got my favourite flowers… baby’s breath and then we even got a room at Holiday Inn Rooty Hill for the night…

It was the perfect wedding!

10 12 2009
Jasper

Bogans are expensive

10 12 2009
Toddo

I have never heard the actual ‘wedding march’ played at a wedding. I have heard several enduring classics from commercial radio though.
A friend of mine confessed that He had chosen ‘Throw your arms around me’ for his wedding song, then after wards looked at the lyrics, and thought the line ‘we may never meet again’ might not have been so appropriate for a wedding.

I have endured several receptions where bogan relatives/ associates also attend, and observed bogans in a foreign habitat, displaying obvious signs of discomfort.
It could be the realization that their own ‘de facto’ partnership lacks the sparkle and commitment that they have witnessed, or it could be an unfamiliar environment for a function (not the tavern, factory smoko room, or mate’s games room)
Whatever the reason, they embark on a mission to ease the pain, by drinking as much FREE beer & wine as possible (the bar tab runs out)
In a show of tremendous disrespect, even contempt, for the newly married couple, the bogan adopts a determined mindset not to learn the couple’s/ new relative’s names, or wish them well, and after a night of swearing in front of elderly relatives, and complaining about the food or speeches, is too drunk to join in the dancing (even when the Macarena, or Grease megamix is played)

10 12 2009
M E Nelson Esq

And what of the bogan guests? There always seems to be a good mix of both bogue nouveax and old school bogans gathered for the big bogan wedding. However, it’s the old school bogans that I really like to watch.

Bogans never manage to dress appropriately for formal or semi-formal occassons, which is always great for a good laugh! There is alway at least one bogan who doesn’ own a suit, so will turn up looking resplendent (in his own mind) in his jeans and bomber-jacket. He’s also wearing his best striped shirt from Target and because it’s a formal do, he manages to find a tie; a thin leather one from the 1980’s. On top, he’s had special blonde tips put into his mullet, matching the bright white basketball boots on his feet. Of course he thinks this is entirely acceptable, even though almost everyone else is wearing a suit.

Bogans in suits are also great, because they try so hard to look ‘respectable’ and yet fail miserably. The polyester / mircofibre 2 piece suit (either black or olive green) was originally bought for $99 at K-Mart for his first court appearance. However, it’s nice that the suit gets to come out of the closet for a happy occassion for once. The suit itself is ill-fitting, being 2 sizes to big. A bogan never a has a white shirt in his closet but it doesn’t matter, because all microfibre suits go well with either a dark blue or maroon polyester shirts, which are also 2 sizes too big. The tie (yes, it’s polyester too) fits in with the fun mood of the day by having a Warner Brothers cartoon character print on it. Shoes are appropriately black, however the Windsor Smiths have chunky inch high ripple soles and big brass eyelets for the shoelaces. They are scuffed and haven’t been polished in their life. The look is assessorised with and black sunglasses and at least 3 ear-rings in each ear.

The old-school male bogan is accompanied by his ‘lady’, whose new bleached, frizzy hair-do looks like a shi-tzu died on her head. Her 3/4 length dress is about 10 years old and has done duty at 6 previous bogan weddings. Shoes are ankle high hob-nail boots, which do not match the dress. Assessorising means putting on all her jewelry (from Angus & Coote), which includes an ring on every finger and thumb, numerous bracelets and about 10 gold chains around her neck, including the one with the ’21’ pendant on it, given to her by mum and step-dad on her 21st birthday. She’s now 46.

Of course all these bogans can’t wait for the ceremony to finish, just so they can go outside for a smoke and drool all over the ’57 Chev wedding cars.

At the reception, the bogan’s table manners are a sight to be seen. Having always eaten dinner in front of the telly and never set a table themselves, the bogan’s eyes pop out of their head as they have never seen so much cutlery placed before them in their entire lives! Not knowing whether the bread-roll on the left or right is theirs, they sit there quietly, looking stunned, waiting for someone else to make the first move in an attempt to work out which is theirs. When entree arrives they are confused by the fact there are 2 forks and 2 knives and will invariably use the wrong set. After a few drinks and a bit of consersation with the other bogans on the table, he will become more relaxed and during main course will lick the gravy from his knife, just as he does at home.

10 12 2009
Kat

Ha ha – you two are much nastier than the bloggers. LOL

10 12 2009
docksbox

Don’t forget that the new suit will still have the label stitched onto the outside of the sleeve.

10 12 2009
Indi

You forgot the War of the Fragrances of a bogan congregation. Lynx, Brut, JOOP!, every Calvin Klein flavour, even the occasional Old Spice, with the top note of stale Aramis, (only pulled out for special occasions) on the male side. Join those with everything under the sun on the female side, with perhaps the grand-dame of bogan scents Tabu, ever assertive as a bass note, and you have headache on a stick. I haven’t even started on hair product and makeup.

11 12 2009
Jodie

Indi, you’re on the money, but the nouveau bogue will have more disposable cash than the old-school bogan and will spend big on “fragrance”. Ghost-designed celebrity scents are popular. It may be purchased at David Jones, but let’s face it- if you’re wearing Britney or Beckham, you’re a bogan.

11 12 2009
Indi

Yeah, cheap scent in expensive bottles. How could anyone who’s heard David Beckham speak think the fragrance would be any good?

11 12 2009
Dee

Oh man, that was hilarious. You should be writing for this blog as well.

“…resplendent (in his own mind) in his jeans and bomber-jacket..”

That brought back memories of my brother and his mates (lovely people, but poster boy bogans – all of them) in the late 90s. Any club or pub with a dress code and out came the bomber-jackets and “good” jeans.

13 12 2009
Lee

You have too much time on your hands!

14 12 2009
StevenJ

Brilliant! M E Nelson Esq

10 12 2009
dazz

What about the dark shades permenantly welded to the grooms head throughout the ceremony and photos (such a classy look).

10 12 2009
Indi

Bogans R Us, it would seem, given the venom and accuracy of most of the posts. Hands up everyone surviving being born into a bogan family, and having struggled to escape? Were it just social observation of the novelistic kind there would be less heat, and maybe even some affection.

11 12 2009
Dee

I come from a family of bogans and grew up in a (working class) bogan suburb. I have a bit of inner bogan in me that I try to quash. I know all the words to Khe Sanh and Paradise By The Dashboard Light is my karaoke song.

Personally, I have great affection for the old-school bogans (flannelette shirts, VB, names like Thommo and Mick and Spider). They are usually genuinely nice people. I don’t have a lot of tolerance for the middle-class “Aussie Battler” bogans, though. They’re almost always pretty awful.

11 12 2009
Indi

You are spot on- I didn’t grow up bogan, but with lots of family in the country who are culturally bogan but not working class by any stretch, and where you talk to everyone. Old school bogans who didn’t give a flying fuck about anything are a delight, and get on with everyone, as long as they’re genuine.

It’s pressure of piss-elegance that turns the nouveaux bogans into the grasping, galloping consumers they are: and the people who are usually most anxious not to be thought of as bogans.

We’re also missing a layer in this chainof the old Australian working class- people who educated themselves, were active in community sport, music and theatre, were financially comfortable, but didn’t feel the need to trade up or display their wealth.

11 12 2009
Jodie

Totally agree. I love old-school bogans. They’re real, and they usually are kind hearted. Bikies are awesome, for example. And there is nothing like a pub tea in a country town, Creedence belting from the jukebox. It’s the nouveau, faux-yuppie bogans I can’t stand. They’re shallow, materialistic, unoriginal group-thinkers. The women are vapid and the males are footy-worshipping douchebags, mostly.

11 12 2009
Indi

It’s hysteria as culture- the misplaced and misunderstood enthusiasm for something that’s in fashion. Watching Masterchef instead of learning to cook – obssessing about ‘plating’, rather than good produce, or growing your own vegetables and having chooks.

17 12 2009
Apple

Bikies are awesome ?!?!?!? I guess if you like getting your head smashed in with a helmet for wearing the wrong t-shirt or you appreciate 30-40 yr old men banging your 16 year old daughter then you might think so… OK so I generalise but they are generally not nice people from my experience…

10 12 2009
Peter of Kensington

About a year ago, I was on the train and could not help overhearing a group of people discussing the ‘myth’ of global warming. They were mocking those ‘idiots’ that believe in it, laughing at their stupidity. They were inventing radical scenarios, then criticising their hypothetical climate change believers. Within their circle they were superior, unchallenged and free to bask in the reassurance they provided each other.

The denizens of this blog remind me of that group of people.

I hope you all have the trendy non-traditional wedding you strive for. Timeless.

10 12 2009
Indi

Difference between your overheard conversations and this chain is that most of the posts betray quite a bit of familiarity with the territory, some accuracy in description, and the speculations on the motives of the people described show psychological and emotional insight.

The bogan weddings described are precisely striving to be ‘trendy’ and ‘non-traditional’ in inane ways. The point is this is an newly invented ‘tradition’ which barely relates to people’s cultural background or forebears’ practice. Nothing wrong with that, but the choices made seem to involve so much false consciousness, needless and pointless expenditure, agitation and self-inflicted misery, that they should be criticised.

For example, a traditional Anglo wedding ceremony is close friends and family at the childhood church of the bride, bridesmaids’ and bride’s dresses made by bride’s mother or her dressmaker, the wedding breakfast at a local hotel or hall, catered by the women’s auxiliary of the church. The bride appears in a ‘going away’ outfit (smart suit) to signal end of wedding breakfast. Honeymoon is in local hotel, with some short holiday planned afterwards. the hens’ night was a ‘bridal shower’; tea at the bride’s childhood home, where friends gave small gifts for the new household. Sound anywhere close to the bogan extravaganza?

10 12 2009
Nate

Strive for a wedding? I don’t think so.

10 12 2009
Trill

This is an un funny and generic version of Stuff White People Like.

Get out of it, too long, trying to hard to be intellectual and funny.

It’s hard to get offended by something that doesn’t even make sense. TBL

10 12 2009
Robbie

I love the ‘Bogan Wedding Vow Generator’ – it’s so authentic haha
It brings back memories of Scott and Charlenes wedding from Neighbours!!

10 12 2009
Pete

In my experience there is always at least one “back table” at normal wedding receptions. This is where organisers place the most disruptive and unruly bogans, those who have only been invited because they’re a (distant) blood relative of the bride or groom.

Of course this doesn’t apply to bogan weddings, where many – if not all – tables are classifiable as “back tables”.

PS: Trill, do us all a favour and fuck off. Permanently.

11 12 2009
Steve

My partner and I were placed at that very “back table” with a bunch of extreme bogans who I had never met before. This was because the “celebrity-wannabe” bride hates me. The only reasons she invited me was because I am a blood relative of the groom. I curse myself to this day for feeling guilted into going to that horrific event. Bogans taint you, you see.

10 12 2009
Toddo

I once attended a wedding where I had trouble recognising the bride and her bridesmaid/sister (due to spray on tan, make-up and bleached/glued hair)
It wasn’t until I saw them waiting outside the Church door that I realized who they were.
The wedding car was a Bathurst spec commodore, that had cost the owner more than his house.

I told the bridesmaid and her sister that they looked amazing.
I asked the driver of the car to “bake it up”, and I enjoyed the sound of the engine and exhaust system.

Am I a bogan? or was I simply joining in the celebration of a marriage, that was the basic staple of ceremony surrounded by friends and family, allbeit with their own take on the concept?

10 12 2009
Benjamin

Well…

To be serious for a minute, marriage is a big deal. Finding the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with is (or should be) the biggest and best thing that can happen to you. It certainly was for me. So throwing a big party and having a good time with the folks that will be forming your support through your marriage seems like a fine thing to do.

I think it’s a combination of motivation and degree that separates the bogan from the non-bogan wedding. Why are they having the wedding? Are they in the relationship for each other? If having the hot Commodore and getting heavily made up is done for their celebration and/or has some personal meaning for them and kept reasonably in check, then it probably isn’t classed as bogan.

However, it they are doing the stuff in these articles – milking it for gifts, misuse of the church, humongous excess, spending scads of other peoples money and generally doing it for their own look-at-me glorification, then that is what makes it bogan. That and their general commitment to the relationship in the first place.

Perhaps a more poetic soul can put it better than I have. We have a couple such here I think.

10 12 2009
Ian

More great stuff here, but there’s easily enough material to have one post for the ceremony and for the reception.

Might as well have made it a wedding ‘month’ :b

11 12 2009
M E Nelson Esq

Now this is the perfect example a new-age bogan wedding act. Even more so as they got their 15 minutes of fame thrown in by making it into the Herald-Sun.

‘Love you and all that, Kylie’

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/national/bride-takes-lunge-dress-and-all/story-e6frf7l6-1225807999563

11 12 2009
baby cheeses

the only thing that shocks me about that post is that I don’t think I can afford to aspire to be a bogan!

more bogan ideas I’ve come across at weddings:

– bogan brides thinking that a certain style of dress (let’s say the good old strapless) is really flattering on them for their wedding day even though it never suits them on any other day of the year.
– a wedding dress with a rip off skirt for the reception – it’s like 2 dresses in one!
– the reception buffet dinner. each table gets called up to be dished out some reheated slop (I’ll have the chicken schnitzel!) from a bain marie.
– bogan groomsmen in converse trainers and ray bans.
– bogan guests clinking their glasses at the reception so couples will kiss
– feather pens to sign the registry
– having weddings outdoors smack in the middle of summer. the wedding will always be on a 40 degree day. with no shade.
– a ‘fun’ choreographed bridal waltz
– the final dance at the reception to ‘time of my life’ from dirty dancing

11 12 2009
Indi

They made a documentary of your life ( or your relatives’ lives) and called it ‘Kath and Kim’?

11 12 2009
M E Nelson Esq

I have a feeling that Peter of Kensington wouldn’t laugh at ‘Kath & Kim’ and would find it offensive.

Pete, you are obviously an educated man by your articulate posts and, presumably, originally of humble bogan stockby the way you defend bogans and attack those like myself who are having a bit of fun on this site. While both advancing your lot in life and defending your roots are both admirable qualities, this site is designed to have a lighter look at Australian culture and those who believe that they are something they are actually not and by obtaining money and material objects will buy them class and sophistication…ok, and mock them!

There are many people blogging on this site who openly claim to be bogans and are having a laugh; it has always been the style of the Australian sense of humour to be able to laugh at one’s self. You don’t come across to be the bogue nouveau type, so what happened along your journey which put a chip on your shoulder? Are you related to Julia Gillard?

Either lighten up or stop logging onto this site.

11 12 2009
Chris Taylor

Bogans dont like U2. They like loud angry music that fuels them to “bash some cunts” bands such as ACDC Jet RATM etc.

11 12 2009
Steve

No, they like U2.

13 12 2009
Chris Taylor

Uh, since when? Do you honestly know any that like them? The inoffensive music of U2, Killers, Coldplay etc do not appeal to the bogan. Sure they might like the occasional singalong but can you really see more of theses guys at https://thingsboganslike.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/11-ruining-music-festivals/ attending a U2 gig rather than the upcoming AC/DC gigs?

13 12 2009
Lee

Wrong type of bogan chris.

13 12 2009
Chris Taylor

Both old AND new bogans love “acca”. Don’t know if you’re going to a concert but if you are you will probably see a southern cross tattoo on every second person. After the concert they’ll head to the nearest bogan pub ending in an ‘O’ or a ‘Y’ get pissed some more and then bash/glass some carrrntz mayyyyyyyyyyte.

14 12 2009
Steve

Ah, you have missed the point of this website. Might I suggest you read through “A bogue by any other name”. Your prototype bogan is OLDSCHOOL.

9 03 2010
13 12 2009
Matty

Err…November Rain, anyone?

14 12 2009
Steve

haha, oh yeah.

14 12 2009
Chris Taylor

Steve are you suggesting there is no crossover between new and old bogans? Do you honestly believe the ac/dc concerts wont be.full of both types.

15 12 2009
Harold Holt's Floaties

some lovely lyrical work by bec cartwright for her wedding can be found here

http://forums.vogue.com.au/archive/index.php/t-118757.html

16 12 2009
wino

A shit, I worked functions for years, and ALL weddings have a tinge of the bogan to them. For those who watched tv in the early-mid 90’s, Delfin or some shit used to use John Newcombe to advertise their estates with the tagline “I could really live here.” In the middle of one particularly large and rowdy (pre-RSA days) real deal bogan wedding, a girl I worked with came out the back in a FURIOUS mood, and against the soundtrack of Nutbush/Grease Megamix/Ace of Base screamed ‘I COULD REALLY LIVE HERE,’ then put her polite face back on and went out to pour warm West End down the gullet of the various piss your pants drunks out in the dining room.

16 12 2009
Jodie

Hehe. Gold. Poor girl.

16 12 2009
Andrew

To this day I kick myself for not going to my cousins wedding, my mother did take the trouble to go to O’Malleys bar for the big day though.The groom wore leather pants and a shirt that was unbuttoned to the waist, instead of a bridal march he played a saxophone while she walked down the aisle.She was wearing the traditional strapless number and their vows were apparently as cringeworthy as you’d expect.After the vows they went on his Harley for photos in a park somewhere and took forever to do it, by the time they got back the bar tab had taken a decent hit and the guests were pretty hammered.Mum asked her why they took so long and she giggled and said her dress wouldn’t stay up and they kept having to adjust it and in the end they thought “what the hell” and went for some topless shots.

I’m a bit of a bogan myself but I draw the line at that sort of behaviour.

28 12 2009
barbarella

As a parting gift to the guest- personalised stubby holders! Seriously!

http://www.weddingstubby.com.au/

17 02 2010
max

re: U2 as Bogan music.

Bogans love any middle-of- the-road music that:

a) is anthemic
b) is advertised heavily
c) pushes a simplistic, populist, “socially conscious” agenda
d) is liked by heaps of people

U2 fulfill all of these qualities in spades. And, while it’s completely true that most neo-Bogan guys (and many Bogan femmes) love cutting sick to RATM, the Chilis, the Foo-eys, Kings Of Leon, etc., there are many less testosterone-driven Bogans that love to feel that they’re getting a rootsy, cultured-yet-still-rocking show with stirring & poetic-but-not-poofy lyrics that only a true super group like U2 can provide.

At a recent wedding attended by a work colleague, the bride was led down the aisle by her father to the strains of Bono singing:

“I have climbed highest mountains/
I have run through the fields/
Only to be with you/
Only to be with you”

Beautiful- but then the punchline:

“…But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”

All without even a snigger from the pews…

Priceless.

9 03 2010
Chris Taylor
14 03 2010
MD

Has anyone made mention of the wishing well?
Almost always accompanied with the tacky ‘poem’ invite basically stating, ‘yeah well we’ve lived together for 10 years and spat out some kids but we need some new stuff now so thought we’d get married…yeah, we want cash’.
It’s all the rage amongst the bogan brides these days with companies selling and hiring ‘wishing wells’ to take pride of place at the reception.
Spotlight has even taken to selling a blow up version of the wishing well.

22 01 2011
STEJ

I was at a wedding 2 weeks ago. Not a bogan wedding, but like every wedding, stereotypes attached, ie white dress, lateness etc, things that though on this list are attached to Bogans are actually part of Western culture due to American cultural hegemony.

However at this wedding there were a large number of bogans present, including one who wore his best JayJay’s short sleeve black shirt with JayJay’s baby shit brown cargo pants. It is a wonder he remembered to wear shies. The length of the JayJay’s sleeve exposed his colour co-ordinated (black) elbows.

Good thing my wedding will be a wog one

10 01 2014
Archibald Bagge

The bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage.

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