The bogan does not cope well with the ageing process. Gradually increasing feelings of insecurity resulting from expanding waistlines, sagging skin, crows’ feet and receding hairlines has led to burgeoning industries selling solutions to worried bogans past their primes. Some are long-standing, such as skin care. However, there has been constant development, the most prominent being explosive growth in hair regeneration technology. With that came the exorbitant charges associated with regular visits to the ‘clinician’ by paunchy men, approaching their forties, yet still bearing the pastel t-shirts and oversized, yet formless biceps of their youth. These men can be easily identified, incidentally, by their still-vertical hair failing to conceal the increasing bare acreage on their scone.
However, there are few markets left for these mid-90s hope-peddlers to crack. So new feel-good products have risen to prominence. While some have been more successful, none are as bile-inducingly horrid as glamour photography. Today, in a world where celebrities are photographed relentlessly, it stands to reason to the bogan that they, too deserve to be photographed. Semi nude. In their forties. Then hang the results in the entrance hall to their house. Where their children’s friends can see.
Even better, the bogan can experience a small slice of the sheer, face-melting awesomeness of celebrity; the photo can be taken in soft, caressing light. The outfit can be revealing – but not TOO revealing. And the end result can be airbrushed to within an inch of its life. Like the young lady on the cover of their partner’s issue of Ralph, of whom the bogan is furiously jealous, blemishes and signs of any actual ageing can be removed. The picture can then be placed, at superhuman speed, as the bogan’s new Facebook profile pic.
The photo can then be hung in a highly public place – not only the entrance hall, but above the bed, or in the kitchen. Because the bogan knows there is nothing that guests want to see more during dinner than their 45 year-old hostess leaning seductively over their plate of beef and black bean.