Like much of the western world, the bogan is on a constant quest for self-actualisation. However, its quest to be unique tends to revolve around a level of cultural conformity that borders on the criminal. And nowhere is this more obvious than when they bless their offspring with their names.
Naming a child is a permanent thing, or should be, and the bogan parent takes care to ensure that their own pursuit of individualism is reflected in their young. There is no better way to achieve this, thinks the new parent, than to give the baby a ‘unique’ name. This is where the process falls down. Rather than actually bestowing their newborn with a genuinely one-of-a-kind name – or at least an uncommon one – they merely take a common one and misspell it. Bogans love song remixes, because it’s usually just the original song with more bells and whistles, tempo, and gimmicky bleeps. Their love of the remix is manifested when they get the chance to name a child. Ever met a Hayleigh? A Braydon? A Jorja? A Kayleb? Probably many, because these kids will be spelling out their names to all and sundry for the next 80 years.
How about a Jaxon? Or a Jacksen? Or even a Jakxsen? A recent, and related, trend in bogan names is to simply replace a first name with a surname. Then misspell it. But it doesn’t end there – the aspirational bogan identifies the opportunity to finally get a Mercedes under their roof. By calling their child Mercedes. Or Chanel, or Armani. The bogan believes that conferring such a name on their child will ensure future prosperity for both child and parent, and as a result feels no obligation to put effort into properly raising the child once it is born.
Of course, the end result of all this creativity is that instead of five Adams in a class attempting to distinguish themselves from each other, there are now Riley, Reilly, Rhylee, Rhylie, Rylee, Ryley and Rylie getting into stoushes over whose Dad has the biggest flat screen/best surround sound system. The bogan parent has consigned their remixed child to being a B-side on the vinyl of life.
We’ve decided, by the response this is getting, to set up a whole page dedicated to this very topic! If you have ideas/suggested bogan baby names, we can have a ready database for confused pre-natals! Check out the new page!
Caution: The next person to recount “Le-a” or “Abcde” will be shot.