#116 – Doing Their Back In

30 03 2010

The bogan loves doing things to itself. To the xtreme. And without any prior knowledge of how to actually do them. This ambitious incompetence runs the gamut of most bogan activities, ranging from killing things to lifting things, with it ultimately and inevitably, doing its back in. And then pulling a sickie. While the non-bogan populace is content with accepting the limitations of its vertebrae and employing ergonomically sound lifting techniques, the bogan is infallible to pain. Or logic. In the same vein as it defiantly wears thongs in winter as a display of its unerring machismo, the bogan never needs any help. Be it lifting a 150 kg fridge onto a mate’s trailer using only its lumbar muscle and not bending its knees or merrily wrestling its friend after a slab of Slate cans. Either way, its lower back will experience unprecedented pain, giving it plenty of ammunition to call in sick the following day.

Of course, the bogan’s injuries have to necessarily be acquired while doing something incredibly extreme, like having sex in a toilet cubicle or asphalting the driveway on a 40 degree day. The fact that it may have haemorrhaged a few spinal cord discs means nothing to the bogan. As long as it can loudly brag about how Tarnee went off and nearly cracked her skull against the toilet bowl or how amazing its new X-T-R-E-M-E D-I-Y decking project turned out, it is painfully happy. Suddenly, Trevor the overfed staffie, lunges at the bogan with all its overwalked canine might, thus resulting in maxxtreme displacement of its back.

Nothing satisfies the bogan’s sadistic appetite like acquiring an injury at work. And then claiming insulting amounts of money through workers compensation. Because knows its rights. Even though the bogan back came undone while proving to a co-worker that a Snickers bars may be extracted from the vending machine by simply tilting it at a slight angle. After kicking up a fuss about workplace safety and securing 3 months of paid leave, it will proceed to plan a family vacation to the closest and largest river basin. For 3 days of petrol consuming activities that require a fully functional back. However, the mercurial bogan mind failed to account for the fact that it’s running the risk of being accosted by the mavericks from Today Tonight/A Current Affair, only to be ridiculed by their bogan peers nationwide.