#118 – Vampires

1 04 2010

It’s Angel’s fault, really. The success of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the 1990s naturally and inexorably led to that most bogan of TV abominations, the spin-off. Bogans like nothing more than copies of TV shows they already like, so creating a show featuring the character of greatest bogan appeal means a whole new show without having to write new characters or scripts. While Angel was undeniably a more boring character than everyone else on Buffy, the evil geniuses in TV land knew that with his vampire-with-a-soul shtick, they had struck bogan gold.

The female bogan was unable to resist. She desires nothing so much as x-treme romance. While she often tells her disapproving friends that despite the tribal tatts and facial scarring, her man is “a real sweetie underneath”, the vampire is a representation of the fantasy that her muscle-bound neolith cannot live up to. While the dangers of regular, bogan, romance may be limited to domestic violence and STDs, Vampire romance is linked to transmogrification, shimmering, and abstinence.

Like Richard Wilkins, the modern vampire is an empty shell, a vessel into which the female bogan can pour her frustrated sense of romance and danger. Despite the fact that the vampire most likely wants to kill and disfigure her, she has decided that, thanks to Angel, the vampire is merely misunderstood. Having the requisite level of danger (possibly homicidal) coupled with being relatively safe (he is a fictional character), the femme-bogue can sit back in bed at night and dream of Edward Cullen not-quite ravishing her.

After seeing Twilight – on Richard Wilkins’ recommendation – the bogan decided to read all of the books. These books feature two key characters; a female character with absolutely no personality beyond whining about how awful her life is, and a vampire who is beautiful, kind, listens to the whining and glows in the dark or something. And refuses to root her.

Despite the female bogan’s embrace of hyper-sexualising itself and its children, it finds a book written by an abstinence-promoting Mormon about a 600 year-old teenager not wanting to ‘bite’ his nubile belle irresistibly arousing. In fact, the femme-bogue becomes so engorged by the notion of abstinence that it is likely to proceed post-haste to the local glassing barn to gyrate wildly against anyone not smelling strongly of garlic. This demonstrates the dizzying power sexual innuendo and metaphor has over the bogan’s copulatory glands.

Unfortunately, the bogan’s inability to actually understand metaphor resulted in True Blood. Take vampires, give them a conscience, and have them engage in x-treme sex scenes with Anna Pacquin. The bogan, after all, doesn’t understand abstinence either. Of any kind.

Please note, the TBL team will be taking advantage of the four-day weekend to avoid thinking about bogans for a few days. We suggest you do the same and come again on Tuesday for more bogan-mocking action!

Cheers, the lads from TBL

#7 – Books – But Only After the Movie Comes Out

22 10 2009

Bogans will tell you that they love to read. This is convenient, as reading is, by its very nature, a solitary exercise. As books are generally read away from the presence of other people, it is quite simple to assume a mien of intellectuality, and opine solemnly on the quality of either the latest bestseller, or a well-known classic without ever actually having moved beyond the blurb. However, in conducting this kind of surreptitious deception, the bogan leaves itself open to exposure – if a comrade has read the book in question and calls the bluff.

Harry PotterAs such, the bogan is far more inclined to wholeheartedly embrace the release of books which have subsequently been turned into major motion pictures. The Power of One, Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code/Angels and Demons, the Twilight series(oh, God, the Twilight series), The Bourne Identity/Supremacy/Ultimatum, Memoirs of a Geisha, Silence of the Lambs, Confessions of a Shopaholic, The Devil Wears Prada, and of course everything by Tom Clancy, John Grisham and Michael Crichton.

An interesting offshoot of this phenomenon is that many bogans actually wind up reading the books in question, as they discover – to their own surprise and amazement – that reading can be an edifying experience. This, of course, leads to the natural point whereby the bogans resume their pompous proclamations about the book, but now it is only to boldly, lamely state that it is ‘way better than the movie.’

This is a ruse, as no bogan worth their salt would willingly sit through all 13,000 pages of the sixth Harry Potter installment without the film to act as their equivalent of a study guide. That imagination shit’s overrated anyway. More sophisticated bogans have, by the way, graduated beyond such primitive options, having discovered Sparknotes, creating an entirely new bogan literary subculture.

However, no one – not even the most late-adopting, slogan wearing bogan, would ever touch the novelization of a film. That would be going too far.