#117 – Pandora Bracelets

31 03 2010

In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman, whom each God helped create by giving a unique gift. Unaware of this, millennia later, the female bogan strives to match her uniqueness, constantly on the hunt for new ways to express her individuality… of course it could never do anything that would make it stand out too much from the crowd…

Enter Pandora. Launched in Denmark in 1982 by some clever Danish guy, Pandora jewellery appeals to the female bogan’s love of shiny things, addictive consumption habits and ongoing quest for homogenous distinctiveness. For the uninitiated, Pandora sells relatively simple, affordable bracelets, which are fitted with ‘charms,’ little hoopy things coming in various shapes, sizes and materials.

The Pandora bracelet is perfect for the modern female bogan. Everyone has one, but they’re all ‘totally unique’ and representative of the bogan’s deepest inner desires. Like getting another lamewad charm. Even better, it is now associated with the bogan’s FAVOURITE FILM EVER, Avatar. A non-bogan understands subtlety and restraint, but the female bogan will always take things to the x-treme. It purchases charm after charm for its bracelet, adding a new one any time its credit card is accepted. The gold bracelet ($1700) is too expensive, so a silver one ($90) is selected.

A silver heart to show its passion, a silver Aquarius because of its love of horoscopes, a flower, a lucky horse shoe, a little froggy, a crucifix, a Buddha, an owl, a letter M, an angel, a baby pram, a teddy, a special gold heart, a high heel shoe, a “best friends”, another flower, another flower, another flower, a swirly thing, a puzzle piece, a peace sign, a car, and a round thing with a dangly ball. The femme-bogue’s quest is aided by her friends, family and other half, with Pandora charms a convenient, affordable ($30+) and relatively thoughtless gift for her birthday, 21st birthday or anniversary.

A year later, the female bogan pauses to view the purchased DNA that is no longer in fashion, blissfully oblivious to the fact that the tacky piece of jewellery dangling from her wrist cost approximately $1900 to assemble. But every bogan agrees that this is a smaller price to pay than not being x-tremely unique and glamorous.

#82 – Nike Shoxmax

10 02 2010

Nike just knows. It knows that despite its sporadic or entirely absent dedication to cardiovascular fitness, the bogan requires a pair of high performance running shoes. And not just a pair of sleek, low profile running shoes – the bogan wants to obnoxiously trumpet their purchase to anyone within a 10 metre radius. For this reason, like some sort of conscientious lyrebird, they are drawn to running shoes with bright colours, jagged lines, shiny bits, and gimmicks.

But Nike already knew this. Way back in 1987, they released their first Air Max shoe. Coupling a highly visible cushioning technology with the use of letter X proved to be a lasting winner with the bogan, who does very much enjoy taking things to the max. Despite often being many kilograms over an ideal running weight, the bogan was, and is, willing to fork out well in excess of $200 for a shoe that is 50 grams lighter than a shoe $100 cheaper. Using this reliable mathematical formula, the heavy set bogan is willing to pay $20,000 for the honour of losing 10kg by running around a local park three times a week for 6 months. It even has the ideal shoes for the task. Even better, some of these shoes come with what appear to be very large springs attached to the heel – a clear indication of the shoes’ ability to add to the bogan’s ‘mad hops’.

But alas, the bogan is rarely seen running around anything, with one exception. In 2007, British police data revealed that 5 of the top 6 footprint patterns left at crime scenes were those of Nike Air Max shoes. Just as the British tiprat favours taking things to the max, its Australian cousins at the criminal end of the bogan spectrum are also regularly seen sprinting their Air Maxs up the street with an Xbox under one arm, and a DVD player under the other. You see, after spending $250 on its athletic shoes, the thieving, wheezing bogan sees itself as too cash-strapped to instantly purchase its own DVD player.

Like all truly great companies, Nike was not content to rest on its laurels. In 2001 it pioneered a new method to vacuum new dollars from the bogan. “Nike Shox” contained the requisite X, and added a misspelling to up the x-tremeness level. The Shox themselves are rubbery cushioning columns in the sole of the shoe, with unenclosed gappy bits around them for max x-treme visual impact. The new technology allowed Nike to charge a higher price, one which the bogan was quite content to pay. There has been a gradual increase in the use of Shox technology in Nike’s high end sports shoes, making its entry into a) the criminal’s most-loved list, and b) the local Fitness First, all but certain.