#221 – Baptisms

11 04 2011

The bogan only recently learned what a hedge fund is. Even though, throughout the global financial turmoil of 2008 and 2009, it only heard snippets in the trashmedia about hedge funds collapsing, it feels now that it knows what they are.

They are betting syndicates set up to bet on different things from what the bank bets on so that, no matter what, they always win. Whether or not this is true, the bogan has yet to realise that it has been engaging in its own hedge fund for some time. With its consonant-challenged progeny’s eternal souls, no less. Baptising their newborn, vowel-free spawn, is the perfect way for the bogan, who is entirely indifferent to observant religion (it will not get up early on Sunday) to make sure that, just in case they’re wrong, and the God they don’t follow is a vengeful one, their kid is safe.

EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT CHRISTIANS, OR THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE BAPTISED, ARE BOGANS. YOU IDIOT.

By baptising their child, the bogan counteracts all of the heinous acts it will no doubt commit throughout its life. It is a religious prepaid carbon offset for all of the filthy emissions that the bogan’s child is likely to be encouraged or allowed to make by its lack of parenting. Little Aron’s unfortunate dose of ADHD will, of course, provide a relatively ample amount of coverage from divine retribution, but it can’t mask everything.

Moreover, baptisms are similar to weddings in that the bogan parents get to be the centre of attention for the day. The child, being of an unintelligible age and brain capacity, merely sits in the middle of any given room, while the profoundly fertile  mum and dad sit beatifically nearby, wallowing in the cooing fervour that is a new child.

The bogan is also very aspirational. While this tends to focus on the corporeal realm, with its attendant McMansions and 86” 3D! televisions, the bogan will always aspire to bigger things. And to the bogan, eternal soft white light, feathered beds and no real concern with adultery (as the male bogan considers the place) is worth a quick dunk in the holy water and a deathbed repentance.

The bogan may invoke the name of god in a self-righteous fashion in order to bolster its arguments about everything from kids’ fashion to foreign policy, but when road raging, fighting, complaining about refugees or purchasing garish ‘fashion’ items, God couldn’t be further from the bogan’s mind. This doesn’t stop the bogan from getting a priest to dunk its offspring in magical godwater, which is similar to nutrient water, but replaces theoretical nutritional content with the theoretical spiritual content.