#84 – SMS-Speak

12 02 2010

In da earli dayz of digital mobile telephony, it wuz devised dat lil chunks of data could b regularly transmitted az test signals from phones 2 towers 2 refresh info. An example of this is da “cell info display” fnctn, which tells u what town or suburb ur in @ ne givn time. Cuz these test signals only get fired thru wen there’s spare capacity in da ntwrk, they effectively cre8 no xtra demand or bottlenex.

LOL, OMG, WTF, BRB, IMHO, SUM1, SXE

It wuz also realised in da 90s dat dere might b a commercial application 4 this test signal, in da form of text msgs btwn users. There wuz an engineering limit of 160 characters in da signal, so dat became da size of a text msg. As it turns out, da bogan is deeply in ❤ wit the SMS. Bcuz da bogan rarely has neting subtle or nuanced 2 say, 160 characters is almost always enuf, unless da bogan in question is a 16 yr old girl who enters her illegible stream of consciousness in2 her keypad for mins @ a time.

2MRW, GTG, PMSL, L8R, GR8, TTYL, WKND

Da othr big ting dat bogans hav gained frm SMS, is SMS speak. Tired of bein told dat it cant spell, the bogan has cr8ed an elabor8 system of space saving remixd xtreme words, dat allow it 2 fit more inane babble in2 160 characters. Bcuz all of da words r wrong, da bogan cn project its aptitude for pl@itude as ‘@itude’. These communiqués cre8 a time-consuming and frustr8ing decryption task 4 ne unfortun8 non-bogan recipients.

AFAIK, NE1, PLZ, ROFL, LMAO, 2NITE

In da same way dat a bogan is prone 2 updating its fb status many times per day 2 broadcast da minutiae of its existence, it can bcome hopelessly hooked on SMS. Many bogans will pump out thousands of msgs per month, wit a total amount of substance comparable 2 a piece of navel lint. Globally, 4.1 trillion SMS msgs were sent in 08, billions of these by and 2 bogans. Da phone companies, meanwhile, harvest hundreds of millions of $z from this compulsion. As mentioned earlier, da telco companies need invest in zero additional infrastructure 2 earn mountains of bogan SMS $z. It’s basically a financial colostomy bag, linking da bogan’s phone & wallet pockets, & transmitting da $z back 2 HQ in a packet of test data of 160 digits or less.

ThEn, ThErE r PrEmIuM SMS SeRvIcEs. OMFG.

*UPDATE – English translation for the non-bogan*

In the early days of digital mobile telephony, it was devised that small chunks of data could be regularly transmitted as test signals from phones to towers to refresh information. An example of this is the “cell info display” function, which tells you what town or suburb you’re in at any given time. Because these test signals only get fired through when there’s spare capacity in the network, they effectively create no extra demand or bottlenecks.

Laugh out loud, Oh my god, What the fuck, Be right back, In my humble opinon, Someone, Sexy

It was also realised in the 1990s that there might be a commercial application for this test signal, in the form of text messages between users. There was an engineering limit of 160 characters in the signal, so that became the size of a text message. As it turns out, the bogan is deeply in love the SMS. Because the bogan rarely has anything subtle or nuanced to say, 160 characters is almost always enough, unless the bogan in question is a 16 year old girl who enters her illegible stream of consciousness into her keypad for minutes at a time.

Tomorrow, Got to go, Pissing myself laughing, Later, Great, Talk to you later, Weekend

The other big thing that bogans have gained from SMS, is SMS speak. Tired of being told that it can’t spell, the bogan has created an elaborate system of space saving remixed x-treme words, that allow it to fit more inane babble into 160 characters. Because all of the words are wrong, the bogan can project its aptitude for platitude as ‘attitude’. These communiqués create a time-consuming and frustrating decryption task for any unfortunate non-bogan recipients.

As far as I know, Anyone, Please, Rolling on the floor laughing, Laughing my arse off, Tonight.

In the same way that a bogan is prone to updating its facebook status many times per day to broadcast the minutiae of its existence, it can become hopelessly hooked on SMS. Many bogans will pump out thousands of messages per month, with a total amount of substance comparable to a piece of navel lint. Globally, 4.1 trillion SMS messages were sent in 2008, billions of these by and to bogans. The phone companies, meanwhile, harvest hundreds of millions of dollars from this compulsion. As mentioned earlier, the telco companies need invest in zero additional infrastructure to earn mountains of bogan SMS bucks. It’s basically a financial colostomy bag, linking the bogan’s phone and wallet pockets, and transmitting the dollars back to HQ in a packet of test data of 160 digits or less.

Then, there are premium SMS services. Oh my fucking god.