Friday Bachelor of Bogan (BBo)

17 09 2010

Hello, there. E. Chas McSween here on behalf of Michael, Intravenus, Hunter, Flash and Enron, collectively known as the Things Bogans Like travelling troupe/freak show. As you are no doubt aware, our illustrious former Friday activity, Bogan Bribe Watch, was cruelly cut short (after being cruelly extended) last week when our parliament managed to cobble together some semblance of a government.  Taken aback by the lightning-fast resolution to what we hoped would be an ongoing constitutional crisis that would result in months of bogan-baiting, and a verdant source of material for Bogan Bribe Watch, we hastily convened in our Bogan Cave, to pit our fiendish wits against one another and develop an incredible new addition to the TBL universe. The plan was that we could provide you, the reader, with the end-of-week intellectual and ego-stroking boost you no doubt require.

After about twenty minutes, several brief bouts of fisticuffs and half a slab, we decided to revert to our stock in trade, which is to pilfer from others’ good ideas. As such, we present for your weekly edification, the Friday Bachelor of Bogan (BBo). Forthwith, we will present you with a weekly quiz, to see how closely you have been paying attention to the bogan news stories, or general trends, at hand. Click on the correct answer and you will be fired through science to the source of our bogan mirth. Fail to click on the correct answer, and your face will melt like those Nazis in at least two Indiana Jones movies.

You have been warned.

1. Kyle Sandilands wants a new mega-mansion party house because:

a)      He got dumped by his Scandal’us (sic) pop-singer girlfriend

b)      He needs extra garage space for his burgeoning Rolls Royce collection

c)      He’s a prudent investor with an intuitive understanding of the property market.

d)      He needed an efficient way to collectively bribe multiple hate crimes investigators.

2. Why did Miss Universally Bogan, Jesinta (sic) Campbell recently approach Eddie Maguire?

a)      She likes eating pies

b)      She’s in the market for a slumdog millionaire.

c)       She would like to attend the Brownlow Medal with a skilled football player

d)      She accidentally thought Eddie Maguire was Donald Trump.

3. Sexy French newsreader Melissa Theuriau has convinced the bogan to fork over its hard earned for:

a)      Acai berries

b)      Colon cleansing

c)       Slimming teas

d)      All of the above

4. After watching channel nine’s new reality program, The Real Hustle, starring chk chk boom girl Clare Werbrloff and Gyton Grantley, bogans will:

a)      Never fall for another scam

b)      Have finally discovered the secret to getting rich quick

c)       Have definitive proof that racism does pay

d)     Mistake the series for Underbelly season 4: Carl Williams’ greatest secrets revealed

5. Victorian jet ski drivers are:

a)     Dangerously undernourished

b)    Incapable of backing their oversized car/trailer combo into a small dam

c)     Elite athletes

d)    Environmentally aware

6. This week, Ed Hardy stores:

a)    Remained in receivership

b)    Put out a press release saying they were going into receivership, the retail equivalent of a maxceleb going into rehab

c)     Denied that they were ever a brand in the first place

d)    Were not shit