#219 – Online Binary Polls

23 03 2011

You may not know this, but you care what the bogan thinks. Without the amassed wisdom of bogans’ collective opinion, you would, in all likelihood, become a stunted, indecisive, gibbering mess. In the past, the bogan’s only method of informing you of what was right was by telling you to your face. Unfortunately, this leads to conversations with the bogan; steeped in nuance and complexity. This is not comfortable for the bogan. Or alternatively, told to you face via a jagged schooner. This is not comfortable for you.

Enter the internet. After years of having to make do with vox pops in News Ltd newspapers, there was a way to canvas thousands (sometimes tens or hundreds of thousands) of bogans’ opinions at almost no cost. Lifting the method from years of phone polls on Today Tonight and ACA, the trashmedia can almost instantly garner the opinion of massed bogans, then adjust its reportage accordingly.

Faced with the opportunity to opine on everything from John Howard’s rejection by the ICC by a cabal of nefarious foreigners with the gumption to hijack an Aussie sport to the results of the phone poll on the current TV talent show, the bogan can’t resist the chance to tell you what’s right. Yes, the bogan will vote to tell you just how it feels about the result of its previous vote. This has escalated to the point that the bogan will only use the internet to join groups promoting what it thinks, or offer its opinion via the now-traditional binary:

DO YOU FEEL THAT ILLEGAL ASYLUM SEEKERS ARE AN UNNECESSARY BURDEN ON AUSTRALIAN TAXPAYERS? YES/NO

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BURQA IS? YES/NO

DO YOU FEEL THAT THE PROPOSED SUPER MINING TAX WILL ROB ORPHAN CHILDREN OF THEIR FUTURES? YES/NO

CONSIDERING THAT THE LABOR GOVERNMENT IS SHIT, IS KEVIN RUDD JULIA GILLARD A SOCIALIST? YES/NO

WHAT DO YOU FEEL IS THE MOST CRITICAL ISSUE AT THE UPCOMING ELECTION? YES/NO

IS THERE ENOUGH ACTION IN THE LIBERAL PARTY’S ACTION PLAN? YES/NO

WHO WILL WIN MASTERCHEF? YES/NO

The bogan can fan the flames of its rage simply by clicking a box, then clicking another as it searches for the validation of the results, which invariably are 50/50 or 95/5 on any issue. While this activity requires a lower level of bogan rage to be implemented than actually commenting in the appropriate section, it requires far less effort, so the bogan is comfortable that is has contributed to the national political discourse, and goes back to the article on the latest Victoria’s Secret runway show.





Friday Poll – Australia Day

21 01 2011

Before we make with the voting, let’s take a quick look at our preferred elements of the trashmedia’s flood coverage. With nearly 2,000 votes, there were two clear frontrunners: the frog-riding snake and the inability of commentators to stop using their newest word, ‘inundated’, which scored 22% and 20% respectively.

We will now be inundated with patriotic pabulum. With the floods receding, and the trashmedia able to start reverting to its standard January nationalism, the bogan can now focus on its Overseas Day celebrations. There are many possible eventualities from Australia Day. Which do you think is most likely?