#117 – Pandora Bracelets

31 03 2010

In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman, whom each God helped create by giving a unique gift. Unaware of this, millennia later, the female bogan strives to match her uniqueness, constantly on the hunt for new ways to express her individuality… of course it could never do anything that would make it stand out too much from the crowd…

Enter Pandora. Launched in Denmark in 1982 by some clever Danish guy, Pandora jewellery appeals to the female bogan’s love of shiny things, addictive consumption habits and ongoing quest for homogenous distinctiveness. For the uninitiated, Pandora sells relatively simple, affordable bracelets, which are fitted with ‘charms,’ little hoopy things coming in various shapes, sizes and materials.

The Pandora bracelet is perfect for the modern female bogan. Everyone has one, but they’re all ‘totally unique’ and representative of the bogan’s deepest inner desires. Like getting another lamewad charm. Even better, it is now associated with the bogan’s FAVOURITE FILM EVER, Avatar. A non-bogan understands subtlety and restraint, but the female bogan will always take things to the x-treme. It purchases charm after charm for its bracelet, adding a new one any time its credit card is accepted. The gold bracelet ($1700) is too expensive, so a silver one ($90) is selected.

A silver heart to show its passion, a silver Aquarius because of its love of horoscopes, a flower, a lucky horse shoe, a little froggy, a crucifix, a Buddha, an owl, a letter M, an angel, a baby pram, a teddy, a special gold heart, a high heel shoe, a “best friends”, another flower, another flower, another flower, a swirly thing, a puzzle piece, a peace sign, a car, and a round thing with a dangly ball. The femme-bogue’s quest is aided by her friends, family and other half, with Pandora charms a convenient, affordable ($30+) and relatively thoughtless gift for her birthday, 21st birthday or anniversary.

A year later, the female bogan pauses to view the purchased DNA that is no longer in fashion, blissfully oblivious to the fact that the tacky piece of jewellery dangling from her wrist cost approximately $1900 to assemble. But every bogan agrees that this is a smaller price to pay than not being x-tremely unique and glamorous.