#201 – Palazzo Versace Australia

8 12 2010

The Anglo bogan was generally unimpressed by the southern European bogan back at school. The wogan, as it were, was more interested in soccer than rugby or Aussie rules, and it put an excessive amount of effort into sculpting its hair. But we live in strange times. During 2010, bogans of all stripes boarded the World Cup bandwagon, and acknowledgement of the bogan-enhancing powers of hair product has become almost universal. Another thing that the increasingly homogenised camps of bogans now jointly recognise is that there is one hotel in Australia that is superior to all others. One that can no longer serve drinks in glasses.

Brandishing a frightening triumvirate of Italian, high-fashion branding and nationalism, the Palazzo Versace Australia (PVA) “fashion-branded hotel” is the most bogan destination in the history of modern hospitality. Marketed as having more stars than the Southern Cross , it neatly captures all of the bogan’s aspirations within one Neoclassical shit-warehouse aptly situated right next door to Sea World. The bogan, regardless of its homophobia, has eagerly embraced Gianni Versace’s flamboyant and showy designs, a legacy continued by his orange sister, whose flesh is currently the target of a hostile takeover by botox in order to possess a controlling stake in her face. The Versace company doesn’t even own 1% of this hotel, but does receive substantial licensing royalties.

While the bogan would likely be upset that PVA is 49% owned by a principal shareholder of something called the “Emirates Global Islamic Bank”, the PVA is the frothing blowhole of all things ‘celebrity’ in the Queensland area. Having housed many an actual celebrity, including bogan-tested favourites P!nk (who cut her 2009 stay short, after fans got past security and shoved notes under the door of her room), U2, The Rolling Stones and some others who have access to a private jet, the bogan is reassured that staying at the Palazzo Versace is sure to further its own baseless bid to be a celebrity. Of course, no truly boganic destination is complete without multiple adequately foreign sounding restaurants (Le Jardin, Il Barocco, Vie, Vanitas), Imperial suites (10), private marina (90 berth) and condominiums (72). Of particular interest to the bogan is the “Red alert” package, which includes breakfast and a maxtreme jetski ride from just $999 per night. At the conclusion of its stay, the bogan reserves the right to return home and complain about the cost of its mortgage.

But there’s no point erecting such a shimmering monument to modern boganity unless there are bogan things going on inside. The Palazzo Versace is used for red carpet launches by the Indy Car organisers, V8 Supercar organisers, and regular nightclub nights by the creators of Manpower and Summafieldayze. At the staff Christmas party last year, a 22 year old woman was sentenced to 18 months jail for glassing a 21 year old woman. A reality tv creative director has also decked out the hotel for events, and gushed “I’m like ‘Can I get 100 statues and ornaments and spray paint them black?’ …  `yes’.” The bogan is glad to know that it can spend $395 to get a ticket to the Palazzo Versace 2010 New Year’s Eve party, featuring entertainment from Australian Idol finalists. It found out via the “Palazzo Versace VIP” facebook group, which is open to bogans nationwide.