#162 – Footpaths Outside Nightclubs

2 08 2010

The bogan’s love of sick clubs is well documented. As the previous findings of this boganomic think tank have indicated, many things that the bogan likes can be found at the club – remixes, pre-mixes, hot Asian chicks and last year’s designer drug, to name but a few. But, observe a bogan on a night out and you will notice something that at first seems hard to explain; the amount of time the bogan actually spends in nightclubs pales in comparison to the amount of time it spends on footpaths outside nightclubs. It seems that the bogan has developed an unparalleled array of reasons that require it to be near the club, but not in it.

Even though the bogan is an avowed enemy of queue jumpers trying to get into Sydney’s western suburbs to take its jobs, women and liberty, the bogan is an avowed jumper of queues getting into clubs. It all starts with the bogan waddling along the footpath as it inches closer to the velvet rope of hope. Upon gaining entry, the bogan tends to remain in the club just long enough to consume a jager bomb and threaten to glass a cunt, before beginning to question whether maybe the chicks are hotter, the beats sicker and the drinks more explosive at another club. Constantly plagued by the thought that the glass may be greener somewhere else, the bogan fears that it is not having the most maxtreme time possible.

Off to the next club, and after more waiting on the footpath to get in, the bogan enters briefly before re-emerging shortly after to have a smoke, which it only does when clubbing. Soon after re-entry, the bogan again finds itself heading back out to the footpath, this time to punch on.  Like an irritating housecat yowling at the back door, when it’s inside it wants to be outside, but upon going outside it soon wants back in. The cycle continues through the night with perplexing regularity. Another few jager bombs inside and some casual groping sees the bogan escorted from the premises, back onto the footpath outside, where it spends yet more time arguing with bouncers, threatening passersby and, eventually, vomiting.

#9 – Getting Huge

26 10 2009

Gym attendance is a positive activity that can bring with it health and wellbeing benefits that extend across the lifespan. It’s great for the metabolism, bone density, and blood pressure, but these factors are entirely unrelated to why the male bogan joins the gym. He’s there to get HUGE. The bogan, with his poor coping skills and tendency to act impulsively, identifies the need to become the largest gladiator in the nightclub, both to catch the eye of the female bogan, and to become physically dominant over the other males. As with many other aspects of his life, he exhibits no subtlety or moderation; he craves the extreme.

Would YOU tell this guy he's a bogan?At the gym, the male bogan can generally be found near a mirror, dramatically swinging the largest dumbells he can pick up. Rather than working on his entire physique, the bogan exclusively targets the parts of the body that can protrude from a tight Ed Hardy t-shirt, creating an odd sense of proportion. As a result, he can always be seen working out in a skimpy singlet, but loose pants.

The bogan’s inability to resist an impossibly good shortcut will sometimes lead him to getting on the ‘roids, which speed up the process of getting huge, and reduce the amount of work required. The downsides, such as erectile dysfunction, testicular atrophy, paranoia, and increased aggression are dismissed. Once the bogan achieves a large size in the chest and biceps, he is then ready to apply his Ed Hardy and head to the nightclub with his boys. Normally, someone that got this large would consider getting serious about bodybuilding, but the dieting, lower body work, and discipline required to earn a bodybuilder’s lean physique are sacrifices a bogan is unwilling to make. Besides, if he can’t instigate drunken brawls and then wolf down a souvlaki in a popular nightclub district, what’s the point of getting huge in the first place?