#133 – Celebrities’ Opinions

27 04 2010

As has been discussed at length in this convenient hutch of boganic knowledge, the Bogan likes to have an opinion. But the process of careful aggregation and analysis of the available data, or long sessions spent staring deep into the inky, abstract ether, takes too long in delivering the simple and concrete answers the Bogan requires immediately.  As a result, the Bogan will leave as many stones unturned as possible in seeking out the most convenient shortcut to forming its opinion. The opinions of celebrities are heartily embraced by bogans for this very reason. The bogan believes celebrities embody all that is perfect and unattainable in the temporal realm, so it makes itself a willing vessel for their vacuous musings, which are made readily available to the bogan through the ever-expanding, life giving tentacles of the malevolent trashmedia.

If there’s something that excites a bogan even more than an unqualified celebrity’s worthless opinion, it’s an unqualified celebrity’s worthless opinion on a worthless topic.  This is why there were high fives aplenty in the office the day some callous arsehole invented Bert Newton’s 20 to One. A low-balling festival of yawn, this show features unremarkable people discussing banal, pathetic and advertiser-friendly topics such as “Worst Haircuts”, “Greatest Logies Moments”, and “Hilarious Celebrity Blunders”. Obviously this show is a TV producer’s wet dream. Not only does it mainly consist of outtakes and archival footage, but it allows Bert Newton, perennial recipient of an honorary toupee gag at every ‘TV Event’, to be wheeled out again as an example of just how truly embarrassing this country’s entertainment industry is. Celebrity opinion on this rotisserie of shit is provided by a revolving cast of desperate ex-soap stars and reality TV also-rans. And Richard Wilkins.

The bogan, true to form, laps it up like a dog does its own sick. Situated not far from the oft-spatulated base of the TV barrel, somewhere in between Hey Hey it’s Saturday and TV shows made up of the most popular things on YouTube the previous week, this sort of show used to be served up in the form of once-off outtakes and bloopers specials, whenever there was a hole in a network’s programming that needed to be filled as cheaply as possible.  The bogan liked these, and wanted more of them. So in the ever-changing, never amazing world of network TV, where the bogan dollar is king, the bogan can now rely on this torrent of televisual smegma every week.