#192 – Theoretical Cunnilingus (V-lick)

10 11 2010

In different parts of the world and at various points in history, the inverted two-fingered V sign was used to signify a range of things including ‘peace’, ‘victory’, ‘up yours’ and ‘two beers please’. Over time however, the outward-palmed V sign took over as the generally accepted sign for peace and/or victory, ‘the bird’ (despite resembling no bird ever sighted) became the universal signal for defiance and derision, and loudly shouting and waving cash across the bar emerged as the most common method of ordering two beers. Thus, the inverted two-fingered V sign was left available for co-option by the bogan.

This was of particular interest to the bogan because, as far as the boganic alphabet goes, while ‘X’ is indomitably supreme and ‘Z’ is a clear second, ‘V’ is nonetheless located within the upper quartile in terms of symbol maxtremity. This is due to its aggressive angles and symmetry as well as its association with a great many bogan-friendly things such as vampires, vascularity, vacuousness, virgins, Vegas, V8s, the V Festival, channel V, V energy drinks and voting for reality television contestants.

The bogan’s expertise in the art of co-option, and its unwavering belief that more always equals better, led it to not only adopt the inverted two-fingered V sign, but also to put it to its mouth and augment it with a thrusting tongue. This changed the meaning of the V sign once more, this time to denote ‘theoretical cunnilingus’. A close cousin to faux-lesbianism, and emerging at a similar post Britney-Madonna kiss juncture of time, theoretical cunnilingus is a Facebook photo favourite. Nothing screams “rebel”, “deviant”, “possible lesbian” and “social conformist” at quite the ear-splitting volume of a V-lick. Swimlebrity and recent twitter homophobe Stephanie Rice indeed earlier cemented her position at the forefront of the bogan pinup wave by indulging in some maxtreme faux-lesbian V-licking on facebook. This seemingly blatant contradiction in methodology was not observed by the bogan, who applauded both initiatives.

Refusing to be photographed naturally, the bogan must always be seen to be posing in some way. Thus, with the consumption of additional locally brewed Beck’s and unreasonably priced Jägerbombs, the default duck-face-awkward-lean pose is substituted for the more provocative and rebellious V-lick. The bogan’s love for prurience and celebrity come together elegantly to produce the tasteless juxtaposition between its organs of manipulation and organ of taste. The bogan, being the the eternal celebrity-in-waiting that it is, believes that by performing theoretical cunnilingus, it is giving the hordes of paparazzi the proverbial finger(s), with the complimentary defiance afforded by the tongue thrust. Additionally, it appeals to the bogan’s love for safe spontaneity, announcing that “I’m having such a great time, anything could theoretically happen”, which it generally does not. The gesture also succeeds in driving the ogling male bogans, who have always dreamt of ‘girl on girl’ action, into a frenzied state of lust which usually ends in an arbitrary glassing or, later on, some ‘guy+guy+other guy on girl’ action.

Epilogue: the love of theoretical mouth-work reached a maxtreme climax (for want of a better word) this week, with NRL player Joel Monaghan being marched out of town amidst a hailstorm of bogan puns about beastiality. Despite this newly identified problem with theoretical portrayals of smut, the V-lick is likely to continue unabated.