#77 – Poker Nights

3 02 2010

While the bogan is generally characterized by its mindless consumerism and ill-informed gambling, it does face one significant problem; scarce income. The bogan, despite having increased its earning capacity significantly over recent decades via interest-free education loans and a booming economy, still has an extraordinary ability to live beyond its means. This includes going so heavily into debt that credit cards cease to work properly.

At this point, the bogan, unable to buy the clothes it wants, or go to the bars it wants to colonise, or gamble during the Spring Carnival of horse racing, needs some other form of entertainment. While house parties can go some way to dealing with these problems, they can greatly diminish the chances of attracting a bogan of the other gender. There tends to be the need to speak to other people at house parties, as distinct from the occasionally muffled yell at one another before subtly groping each other in a darkened, cavernous room.

Suddenly, with the advent of pay TV – and later digital TV – a new bogan paradigm began to emerge: poker. The Poker World Championships were aired on ESPN and later Channel One, a delicious slice of the tension that exists during professional poker matches. As the bogan male has a preternaturally created belief that it is the greatest gambler on Earth, there was an automatic swarm of bogans to the casino – which had handily been built in the past decade or so – where they could embrace a game they felt they could ‘beat the house’ at. Despite the fact that the house doesn’t really play.

Upon realizing that poker at the casino tended to last about thirty minutes before their coffers were empty, the bogan quickly realised that its $300 could be better invested in a 1,000-chip poker set that comes with playing mat, chip rake and dice (bogans have not, to this day, figured out what the dice are for). This way, the bogan can embrace playing poker in the safety of its own home, can buy foreign-label beer at a far lower cost, and live out the dream of luxury, James-Bond style debauchery (without the luxury, women or sex) – all for about $40 each.

Even better, the bogan love of celebrity can be catered to via this manner also, as Joe Hachem, former World Poker Tour Champion, was just an ordinary guy from the working class northern suburbs of Melbourne who now has his own TV show. That he had to win an international tournament is, to the bogan, a minor bump on the path to national television stardom. All starting in the loungeroom of Andrew’s house up the road. However, being ‘x-treme‘, the bogan manages to lose all his money within 20 minutes (and five Coronas – with lime), as only pussies and fags fold when they have pocket cards of 6 and 2 off suit.