#225 – Massive Perambulators

3 05 2011

The bogan likes to procreate. Its desire to simultaneously possess and devour its cake has resulted in furious, ill-advised spawning. With the federal government providing replacement cake in the form of the baby bonus, bogans have brought about a malaise that has had far reaching effects across the political and social landscape of the country. A traffic jam of bogan offspring has been unleashed onto the unsuspecting world, one Mercedes and McLaren at a time. While bogan progeny are mostly harmless until the age of three, they do require assistance to be transported prior to developing fully functional walking skills. And the only way a bogan’s baby may travel is by the biggest, loudest and most maxtreme form of baby conveyance – a massive, “fuck-off we’re fertile”, pram.

Mumma Hummers, as they are affectionately known, are the armoured tanks of the baby transport world; the M1 Abrams of the toddler moving universe. These giant infant carriers ruthlessly dominate every footpath, zebra crossing and food court aisle that they happen to rumble across. Should a stray pedestrian or non-extreme pram cross their path, the victim is likely to be subjected to the bogan’s perspective on parenthood.

I’m fucking outraged. I blame this whole thing on the bloody government. First, they tell us to have more bloody kids because Peter Costello said to have one for Australia, and we’ll get five grand for free. Of course, those rip-off artists didn’t tell us how expensive kids are, or that I will put on weight and can’t bloody drink Sav Blonk for a year”.

While the bogan could have obtained a perfectly serviceable pram and other accessories for a fifth of the price, products that don’t allow for extreme child rearing are not realistic alternatives. The massive $2,450 pram allows the bogan to endow itself with ungodly levels of parental territoriality, and includes technology adapted from the space shuttle. For while the bogan mother is walking a child instead of a pit bull, it desires to intimidate all the same. Soon, a clever designer will realise the commercial possibilities of covering the side of prams with tribal tattoo designs and toothsome horned animals.

#9 – Getting Huge

26 10 2009

Gym attendance is a positive activity that can bring with it health and wellbeing benefits that extend across the lifespan. It’s great for the metabolism, bone density, and blood pressure, but these factors are entirely unrelated to why the male bogan joins the gym. He’s there to get HUGE. The bogan, with his poor coping skills and tendency to act impulsively, identifies the need to become the largest gladiator in the nightclub, both to catch the eye of the female bogan, and to become physically dominant over the other males. As with many other aspects of his life, he exhibits no subtlety or moderation; he craves the extreme.

Would YOU tell this guy he's a bogan?At the gym, the male bogan can generally be found near a mirror, dramatically swinging the largest dumbells he can pick up. Rather than working on his entire physique, the bogan exclusively targets the parts of the body that can protrude from a tight Ed Hardy t-shirt, creating an odd sense of proportion. As a result, he can always be seen working out in a skimpy singlet, but loose pants.

The bogan’s inability to resist an impossibly good shortcut will sometimes lead him to getting on the ‘roids, which speed up the process of getting huge, and reduce the amount of work required. The downsides, such as erectile dysfunction, testicular atrophy, paranoia, and increased aggression are dismissed. Once the bogan achieves a large size in the chest and biceps, he is then ready to apply his Ed Hardy and head to the nightclub with his boys. Normally, someone that got this large would consider getting serious about bodybuilding, but the dieting, lower body work, and discipline required to earn a bodybuilder’s lean physique are sacrifices a bogan is unwilling to make. Besides, if he can’t instigate drunken brawls and then wolf down a souvlaki in a popular nightclub district, what’s the point of getting huge in the first place?