#77 – Poker Nights

3 02 2010

While the bogan is generally characterized by its mindless consumerism and ill-informed gambling, it does face one significant problem; scarce income. The bogan, despite having increased its earning capacity significantly over recent decades via interest-free education loans and a booming economy, still has an extraordinary ability to live beyond its means. This includes going so heavily into debt that credit cards cease to work properly.

At this point, the bogan, unable to buy the clothes it wants, or go to the bars it wants to colonise, or gamble during the Spring Carnival of horse racing, needs some other form of entertainment. While house parties can go some way to dealing with these problems, they can greatly diminish the chances of attracting a bogan of the other gender. There tends to be the need to speak to other people at house parties, as distinct from the occasionally muffled yell at one another before subtly groping each other in a darkened, cavernous room.

Suddenly, with the advent of pay TV – and later digital TV – a new bogan paradigm began to emerge: poker. The Poker World Championships were aired on ESPN and later Channel One, a delicious slice of the tension that exists during professional poker matches. As the bogan male has a preternaturally created belief that it is the greatest gambler on Earth, there was an automatic swarm of bogans to the casino – which had handily been built in the past decade or so – where they could embrace a game they felt they could ‘beat the house’ at. Despite the fact that the house doesn’t really play.

Upon realizing that poker at the casino tended to last about thirty minutes before their coffers were empty, the bogan quickly realised that its $300 could be better invested in a 1,000-chip poker set that comes with playing mat, chip rake and dice (bogans have not, to this day, figured out what the dice are for). This way, the bogan can embrace playing poker in the safety of its own home, can buy foreign-label beer at a far lower cost, and live out the dream of luxury, James-Bond style debauchery (without the luxury, women or sex) – all for about $40 each.

Even better, the bogan love of celebrity can be catered to via this manner also, as Joe Hachem, former World Poker Tour Champion, was just an ordinary guy from the working class northern suburbs of Melbourne who now has his own TV show. That he had to win an international tournament is, to the bogan, a minor bump on the path to national television stardom. All starting in the loungeroom of Andrew’s house up the road. However, being ‘x-treme‘, the bogan manages to lose all his money within 20 minutes (and five Coronas – with lime), as only pussies and fags fold when they have pocket cards of 6 and 2 off suit.

#16 – Uninformed Gambling

2 11 2009


The bogan loves to gamble. The thrill of semi-illicit activity is an irresistible call to many, as is the social expectation that men must gamble. However, one visit to the races during a major meet will demonstrate an unambiguous failure with this theory: the bogan doesn’t know anything about horse racing. They will wander the lawns at Flemington, or Royal Randwick, wearing a newly-minted pinstripe suit with white crocodile skin shoes, carrying a form guide that they have NO IDEA HOW TO READ.

"So...number three ran wide in the 7th last Saturday...fuck it."They will then proceed to stand in the queue at the bookies, confusedly staring at the mystifying collection of letters and numbers, all the while attempting to look quite the professional punter. Upon arriving at the front of the queue, however, the bogan will invariably place $10 each way on the horse called ‘Cunning Stunt’ or ‘Golden Shower’, or some other semi-sexual double entendre.

Then, twenty minutes later, when Far Kennel comes in thirteen lengths behind the winner, they dramatically tear up their ticket, acting for all the world as though some immense equine conspiracy has robbed them of the sure thing that their extensive skills had proffered.

This is the scarcely concealed secret behind the success of gambling industries the world over. What pokies and slots are to septuagenarians, ill-informed sports betting is to the bogan. Billions of dollars are lost to these corporate behemoths as a direct result of male bogan efforts to appear smart and financially successful to their female equivalents. This, in turn, is driven by the female bogan’s (well, any bogan, really) appreciation of easy money (see future installments). And there is no easier money than the fabled professional gambler, turning over tens of thousands of dollars on the back of his sophisticated system, in syndication with other veterans of the caper. Instead, they get idiots throwing their money away, only to spend more at the bar drowning their sorrows and bemoaning the horses’ inability to get over the line. Even though it was paying $25. And the form said it was no chance.