#156 – All Things Fast and/or Furious

12 07 2010

The bogan, in its occasional disconcerting, disorienting moments of clarity, knows that Point Break was a sick movie. After all, it had Keanu ‘Don John from Much Ado About Nothing’ Reeves chasing Patrick Swayze in a funny mask before shooting frustratedly in the air. Bogan win. But that was in 1991. There are now bogans in their majority and legally pressuring their girlfriends to do anal who were born after Keanu went skydiving without a parachute. In 2001, one of the thousands of evil geniuses in Hollywood realised this, and went in pursuit of the same bogan bucks.

This genius – being a genius and all – knew how to appeal to the bogan. He broke into the top secret Point Break Institute in the dark of night and stole the last remaining copy of the Point Break script. He then took it to a meeting of his cabal of bogan wizards to deliberate over what it was in there that struck such a magical bogan chord. Months later, he emerged, exhausted and bedraggled, with a solution. He raced home and grabbed a pen, then, with his last remaining strength before passing out, he crossed off every occurrence of ‘Johnny Utah’ and ‘Bohdi’ and replaced them with the less confronting and less Eastern religion-y ‘Brian’ and ‘Dom’. Sighing the satisfied sigh of the rich, he lay back, knowing he’d struck gold.

Later, in a dungeon in Hollywood, studio executives discussed how best to mine the bogan bucks. “What do we call it? We can’t just call it Point Break again!” said one. “You’re right…bogans don’t like surfing anymore, they realised that the petrol to get to the beach is too expensive,” said another. “I’ve got it!” exclaimed the first, “they like driving…let’s change surfing to drag racing! In bright coloured cars covered in stickers! Bogans love stickers on cars!” “OK. But make the chick hotter.”

Now, instead of fantasising about surfing and regretting the inability to drive to the beach, the bogan can watch Point Break again. Complete with its new, maxtreme title, The Fast and the Furious which, to the bogan, means ‘Me’, it took over the bogan world. Alleged actor Paul Walker was cast in the lead role after having, at some earlier point in time, apparently stolen Keanu Reeves’ voice. Following up with the equally tremendous 2 Fast 2 Furious, the creators capitalized on the bogan’s love of SMS speak before the misstep of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift which, possessed of unusual punctuation and an unnecessary subtitle, not to mention being set in a country full of foreigners, alienated the bogan. Thus, the follow up, Fast and Furious, removed all unnecessary verbiage, brought back the now failed actors from the first, and basically re-filmed the whole movie. It was a roaring success.