#184 – Ducks

20 10 2010

The bogan has never really been known for its love of ornithology. And indeed, it’s unlikely you’ll find too many signing up at the Victorian Birding Association, or patiently waiting in remote South Australia for a glimpse of the rare Northern Shoveler. But here’s the thing; the bogan – almost exclusively the femme-bogue – just fucking loves ducks.

To test this theory, simply attend any location where you will confidently find both bogans and alcohol (alcohol optional). Pull out a camera and aim randomly at any femme-bogue you care to capture and witness the metamorphosis take place. With a rapidity that verges on the instantaneous, the female’s features will twist and distort into an extraordinarily lifelike impersonation of the common waterfowl we all know and love. This process will be repeated ad nauseum, so long as there are cameras still operating in the area. In fact, when cameras are spent, mobile phones will swiftly find their way to an elevated position above small clusters of female bogans, often held aloft by the alpha femme-bogue, as such a raised perspective apparently reflects a more cinema verite approach to capturing this quite common event.

If one were to venture farther afield, to more exotic locations, one would find, behind the inevitable velvet rope, somewhere near the DJ booth, a nocturnal variety of this tremendously non-endangered species; the duck a l’orange. This subspecies, which tends to emerge at night in southern climes in the depths of winter, manages to achieve an extraordinary, glowing hue of an evening with its unnervingly incandescent skin tone and white plumage, which under the black lights native to its regular habitat can glow several shades of iridescent colours.

While regularly observed, there is no conclusive evidence of the cause of this bogan behaviour, although there has been a marked increase in instances of bogan duck-faces since the advent of the book of faces. TBL believe, therefore that this form of exhibitionism started, as all bogan memes do, with early adopters ironically appropriating pop culture. Derek Zoolander became famous for pulling the ‘Magnum’ (often mistaken for the ‘Blue Steel’), which became the photo gag du jour for scenesters eager to milk ironic cool. Soon, this spread to bogan photography, in the mistaken belief that this was an epic max celeb thing to do while being photographed, despite there being little to no photographic evidence of any self-respecting celebrity anywhere twisting its features to resemble those of an semi-amphibious prey animal.