#236 – Sex Addiction

8 07 2011

The bogan likes having someone else to blame. This is the default strategy for mitigating its inability to manage its own behaviour. Celebrities have also worked out some time ago that they can be excused from blame in this manner. So in an attempt to more effectively adopt the morally bankrupt ethos of Two and a Half Men, the bogan seeks to bed as many massive canned blondes as possible. A maxtreme sex life is the only sex life a bogan could want. And like Charlie Sheen himself, the bogan is pleased to be able to blame this sexual compulsivity on a credible-sounding quasi-medical phenomenon – sex addiction. While the bogan may not be sufficiently equipped to ponder the troubled epidemiology of addiction, the bogan knows that sex addiction offers a convenient justification for its seedy promiscuity. After all, the next (il)logical step from its love for spurious allergies is the love for spurious and clinically dubious compulsions. Sex addiction is definitely the bogan’s favourite fake addiction. After all, it is the faux addiction du jour in the celebrity world.

While the bogan may feign outrage at the prospect of an immensely beddable, world-famous, thirty-something-billionaire-celebrity cheating on their partner, it will proceed to forgive them and realise that it also suffers from the same crippling condition. So when it finds itself repeatedly self-administering the stranger one Friday night, it does so safe in the knowledge that it shares the same ailment that allowed Tiger Woods to cheat on his wife. The endless and mysterious quest for ‘tapping that’ is finally a medical condition, much like leprosy or gout. And the bogan is well and truly afflicted.

Successful marketers are quick to milk the potential of a bogan/celebrity crossover, and have previously seen good returns from selling elaborate ‘cures’ for the bogan’s fictional conditions. Upon learning that David Duchovny’s raging sex drive was quelled by a self-help book, the bogan will happily drop $49.99 for a copy of Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, and wishes it too could sign up for a $60,000, six-week treatment program somewhere in California, simultaneously being titillated by tales of infidelity featuring Hollywood’s hottest and horniest. Alas, this is but a dream, and the bogan is destined to continue suffering under its crippling sex addiction. It must go on sharing its parlour of boganic pleasure with as wide a range of sexual desperados as it can lure home from suitable glassing barns.