#185 – History

22 10 2010

Today, TBL puts your Bachelor of Bogan education on hold to present this post, which marks a watershed in boganic entertainment.

We’re not talking about the Michael Jackson greatest hits record from his pre-paedophilia period, although there’s little to dislike about that, save for the teeth-grindingly bad duet with Paul McCartney.  No, we’re talking about the other history: that is, things that have already happened.  But the bogan is not excited by the intrigues of the Prussian court. It will not explore the minutiae of Carthaginian naval tactics, nor develop an appreciation for sublime artefacts from the Kingdom of Benin’s golden age. The bogan’s history doesn’t fuck about with such niceties.  The bogan’s history is about blood, guts, massive swords, and glory that lasts throughout the ages. It’s about Spartans with immense rigs, and Vikings with horny helmets. Pirate wenches with busts so heaving, the turbulent seas get jealous. History that’s pissed off, soaked in blood, and coming at you like a cavalry charge, making your heart pump like five cans of Steven Segal’s Lightning Bolt. History to the absolute outer limits of maxtreme.

Following in the fine French tradition of getting bogans so excited they simultaneously lose control of their bladders and their wallets, Gallic bogan-baiter Robert Hossein is on a winner with Ben Hur – the Stadium Spectacular. Clearly bigger than all previous incarnations of itself, this incredible stadium adaption of the historically woeful but completely thrilling Hollywood epic starring Charlton Heston, is soon to explode into Sydney’s ANZ Stadium like a 200 megaton, bogan-homing warhead. According to the website, it “combines the scale of the Sydney Olympic Games Opening Ceremony with the drama of the slave who dared defy the Roman Empire”. This high octane gonad-history thrill ride will feature narration by Russell Crowe, a Roman galleon and a 32-chariot race, fulfilling the history quota, but remaining suitably reminiscent of Easternats, with a slightly higher possibility of violent rioting and the rim-looting hijinks. To TBL’s eternal glee, orange TV personality Richard Wilkins also appears to be spruiking this.

Bogans are taunted by the website that it is for two nights only, and have arranged exclusive presale tickets to avoid missing out, but chances are this thing will be bum-rushed by so many bogans that the organisers will fear a bogan revolt, and promise to extend the run until it rivals P!nk’s latest marathon tour of Australian scout halls. For when the bogan can get his history served up with enormous explosions, megalitres of blood and huge guns, when he can watch chariots with spinning blades on their rims doing massive burnouts LIVE ON STAGE, all whilst drinking overpriced mid-strength beer out of a plastic cup, the bogan is a slavering demon for history.