#205 – Dickileaks

22 12 2010

TBL Disclaimer: We apologise for the AFL-centric thrust of this post, but it’s too bogan to ignore

While the bogan reserves the right to be sneaky and dishonest at all times, it demands utmost transparency from others. If at any time the bogan feels it is not experiencing this uniquely boganic form of ‘fair go’, it is aware that either political correctness has gone mad, someone needs to be sued, or some cunt needs to be glassed. Despite this maxtreme quest for the freedom of other people’s information, the bogan has failed to truly embrace Wikileaks. The bogan’s finely sculpted media consumption needs fitted poorly with the story of a grey haired renegade computer geek, and abstract diplomatic and military revelations on matters for which the bogan cares little, such as decade-long wars.

A literal uncovering of notable football players leaked by a renegade sexy schoolgirl, on the other hand, is a cause that the bogan can really get behind. We now know that if Julian Assange was a cheeky, bronzed teenage girl in a bikini, the bogan would have been on the first flight to London to post bail. In contrast to nerdy dweebs in dark rooms performing unfathomable computer wizardry, the bogan can actually relate to dickileaks, as its friend’s sister knows someone who went to school with the girl, and it is certain that she’s “like, totally smokin’”. Thanks to the irresistible blend of sex scandal, celebrities, sports stars, facebook, and nudity, the male bogan diligently set to work on justifying its compulsion to view the penises of other men. The end product of this self-reflection to temporarily bypass its homophobia has generally been “haha, he’s got a small dick”. This allows the male bogan to seem both masculine and uninterested.  It also allows the bogan to tangentially refer to the superior size of its own manhood, something evidenced in photos of a similar kind that nobody will ever want to look at.

Tantalisingly for the bogan, the renegade sexy schoolgirl assures her twitter fans that she possesses an additional 18 photos of naked footballers from a variety of AFL clubs, and will dripfeed them in an Assange-esque manner. The bogan can gleefully speculate on whose penis it will be able to view next, in a totally heterosexual way. Also, now that all the facts of the story are available (courtesy of witnessing a footballer’s press conference and seeing an interview on A Current Affair and Today Tonight) the bogan can begin to opine on who is at fault. This tends to fall into a single category: she’s a slut. The bogan is preternaturally predicated to assume that in any he said-she said situation, if he or she is famous, then that particular he or she is telling the truth. QED.

What this reveals about the bogan is not that it is interested in looking at leaking penises, or even that it is interested in what hot schoolgirls have to say. What it tells us is that, when faced with a choice between real news of global significance, and news generated for maxtreme sound and fury, but signifying absolutely nothing, the bogan will choose the latter every time.