#169 – Mild Curries

30 08 2010

The bogan is maxtreme. We’ve covered that. But more important than any actual maxtremeness is the bogan’s unshakeable belief in its own maxtremeness. Nowhere is the steadfast nature of this belief better demonstrated than at the local Indian restaurant, where the bogan invariably orders a mild curry.

Despite the bogan’s equally unshakeable belief that Indian migrants are a drain on our employment and education resources, it can simultaneously prove that it is not racist and that it is totally hardcore. Simply by heading down to Tandooroos, loudly proclaiming that it can’t wait to get stuck into a smoking’ hot curry, the bogan is enlightened and awesome. However, when faced with the option – the wise Indian restaurateur will always offer the option – of Hot, Medium or Mild curry, the bogan will lower its gaze, and whisper in hushed  tones ‘mild please’. At this time, the bogan will briefly recall the first and only time that it replied “hot with extra hot” to a waiter, only to spend the rest of the evening yowling pitifully and having its lips swabbed with a damp face washer.

The bogan believes that, despite its gastronomic incapacity for spices, it will remain x-treme, so long as it maintains the illusion that it can power through a radioactive vindaloo. This results in one of the few remaining examples of bogans engaging in performance art. Experienced bogans will have perfected this – requiring the ability to project trauma in the face of the mild curry, yet still appear to be ‘powering through’ with the sheer, resolute, idiotic stubbornness that the bogan is renowned for.  Less seasoned campaigners will often err on the side of toughness; eating their gentle coconut lamb far too quickly and happily. This is dangerous, as it encourages other, nearby bogans to ask for a taste, feeling that they, too, may be capable of smashing a super-hot rogan josh, possibly ending the ruse.

Proprietors of Australian South and South-East Asian restaurants know to provide bogans the option of Pissweak Chicken Vindaloo or Red Wussy-pants Curry, but no such option exists in the original dishes’ places of origin. So when on a footy tour or honeymoon and in search of a light snack, the bogan is stricken like a floppy-haired hipster in Central Shepparton. Confronted with a genuinely hot curry, and no option for avoiding it, the bogan will often as not complain of a stomach ailment – after ordering the hot with extra hot – and skulk back to the bar.