#237 – Conspiracy Theories

15 07 2011

The bogan knows things. It doesn’t know how it knows; it just knows. Often, things that the general population is not aware of. Even more often, the bogan knows things when the information is presented to it in a facebook group, a trusted news source, or in Andrew Bolt’s column. The bogan just knows.  The bogan’s desire to lap up conveniently edited pieces of information and then parrot them back as the comprehensive truth is a conceptual combover capable of cladding even the baldest of theories in half a dozen tenuous strands of delusion. The bogan’s ability to rapidly determine the true nature of things spares it from the need to learn the context, alternatives, or ramifications of any area of knowledge it turns its attention to. This renders the bogan more efficient than the rest of society, freeing up time for it to go out and be extreme at awesome stuff while everyone else plods along like suckers.

Not content to just hastily weigh in on standard topics, the bogan seeks out preposterous claims that nobody else has ever heard of. Who could have known for example, that the unassuming rodent-canine hybrid known as the Chihuahua can cure asthma, or that sneezing seven times in a row releases the same endorphins as when having an orgasm. The bogan knows these things.

Its insatiable need to know things also extends to more complex issues such as assassinations, the chemical composition of drinking water or the veracity of global warming. While the world’s thinking community remains vexed, the bogan’s verdict is in. Climate change for instance, is nothing but a ‘Trojan Horse’ for power-hungry scientists to force their big taxing, redistributive socialist green left agenda on ‘hard working Australians’. The bogan also seems convinced that much of the country’s drinking water is contaminated ‘with that filthy fluoride stuff’, an assertion it will loudly bellow while cooking in its non-stick pan, hosing its Buddhist-iconography garden ornaments or cleaning its swimming pool (all being made from inorganic fluoride). The knowledgeable bogan will then espouse the safety benefits of drinking vitamin water while punching out an SMS at 110 kilometres per hour.

The bogan also knows that ‘climate change’ (the bogan always places air quotes around this phrase) is a conspiracy by latte-sipping greenie ivory tower affogato-belt eggheads trying to get more research funding/establish a One World Government. To paraphrase Heathen Scripture: Climate change is a theory now, ‘like gravity. And Adelaide.’

Further still, if a bogan sees evidence of a celebrity with a conspiracy theory, its truth value becomes gospel multiplied by max. The primary exception to this is the bogan’s scepticism towards Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology, which attract great boganic mirth. After all, Tom Cruise’s aliens look different to the drawing that uncle Mick did of the time that he saw martians after being offered a funny cigarette at the pub. In fact, Scientology is a sinister scheme devised by the government to channel taxpayer dollars into getting aliens to overthrow Palestine and steal all of the oil and feed Elvis to George Bush who is actually the guy from the Da Vinci Code. The bogan just knows.