Boganomics: Maxximising the Bogan Opportunity

19 10 2011

Marketers should never, ever view the bogan as a problem. The bogan is an amazing opportunity. Other market segments marketers deal with are likely to be more discerning, more logical, and more restrained. When faced with the chance to pitch to the bogan, the opportunity needs to be maximised to the power of max.

Bogan marketing: novice level

The basic view of marketing involves making your product stand out amongst competitors, and appealing to the target audience in a way that makes the audience more likely to plump for your product instead of something that isn’t your product. Take, for example, a hungry bogan. One who wishes to plump for its own plumpness.

As portrayed in the above diagram, a marketing strategist for KFC aspires to instruct the bogan that it should not go to the supermarket, nor should it sample fine dining, go to a competitor, or go and do something about its waistline. Instead of any of these things, the bogan is to want a delicious Zinger burger. The easiest way to do this is to apply as many of the X factors as possible from our proprietary X-factor bogan wrangling model.

Bogan marketing: intermediate level

The novice marketer to the bogan may think that he or she has done a wonderful job by convincing the bogan that it should eat a Zinger burger at KFC. In truth, the marketer’s performance has been woeful, considering the opportunity it was presented with. The bogan has little capacity to differentiate its wants from its needs, and its own opinions from those opinions which it is instructed to possess. A higher level of bogan marketer appreciates these facts, and will use them to achieve a higher level of success.

The intermediate level bogan marketing diagram demonstrates the ability to make the bogan choose KFC for its burger, and then inform the bogan that it also needs something else in order for the Zinger burger to be truly satisfying. This can be done by packaging the products together, and calling it “deluxe”, or “value”. The bogan will never evaluate whether the package of products is indeed deluxe or good value, so there is no need to discount or add quality. When packaging the products together, the bogan marketer should consult the X-factor model to ensure that the package comes in a brightly branded carry box. Another highly effective method is informing the bogan that the deluxe value meal, while comprised of three regular menu items, is available for a limited time only.

 Bogan marketing: advanced level

The bogan marketer who has achieved the intermediate level of upselling, packaging, or expanding the bogan’s perceptions of its needs has reason to feel proud of their work. A marketer at this level is likely to be promoted to middle management, and go on to forge a solid career assisting the bogan in believing that marketing and advertising is an instrument that helps the bogan, not controls it. If, however, the marketer wishes to progress to the top of the tree, they need to abandon any quaint idea that they work with the bogan, instead embracing a gloriously depraved hegemony over the bogan’s hopes and dreams.

The diagram for the advanced level of bogan marketing shows that the bogan’s hunger should not be acknowledged by the marketer. Hunger for food can generally be satiated for $15 or less, and the bogan has more bucks than that. These bucks are the rightful property of the marketer, and need to be removed from the bogan promptly. The advanced level bogan marketer interprets the bogan’s hunger not as a hunger for food, but as a hunger for consumption. For example, a bogan marketer with multiple clients should include a plug for an iPhone app in its KFC advertisement, an app which would allow the bogan to summon a Zinger burger to its couch with little more than a wave of its finger. Now that the bogan is thinking about the benefits of advanced telephony, it is ripe to be sold a poor value, multi-year phone contract with an overloaded telco. This phone advertisement needs to follow the KFC advertisement swiftly, before the bogan forgets what it has been told it wants.

Stage one complete, the elite bogan marketer will conjure up a nonsensical branding alliance between the phone retailer and the provider of dubious and extremely expensive medical suppliers who promise that they will allow the bogan to have maxtreme sex. The branding alliance does not need to make any sense at all – the bogan is still hungry, confused, and its credit card is warmed from previous swiping. An equally meaningless connection can be then made to a car manufacturer, via a method such as an “everyone wins something” raffle or lottery, where the bogan’s supplied contact details are then used to pepper it with any number of unrelated marketing schemes. The bogan’s hunger has continued to grow, and the idea of a fast car to get it to a feeding venue is likely to be of appeal.

At this point, the bogan’s bucks are likely to be exhausted, along with its various lines of credit. A $15 hunger has been completely ignored by the advanced level marketer, who merely viewed it as the soft underbelly of a cash chamber worth approximately $45,000. The chamber thus emptied, this zen level marketer can choose to retire to the Bahamas. If, however, the marketer has become so hooked on exploiting the bogan that they can derive joy from nothing else, he or she can then sell a 26% interest “Deluxe platinum” credit card to the bogan, because the bogan is still hungry, and Zinger burgers ain’t free.

The Announcement You’ve All Been Waiting For

12 09 2011

It’s been long coming. You’ve known about, perhaps without really knowing about it. But it’s been there, like a splinter in your mind. The knowledge that, someday, perhaps soon, the TBL team would be releasing another book. Well kids, that time is SOON!

The cast and crew at Things Bogans Like would like to introduce you to the world of:


After spending decades in their dungeons painstakingly piecing together the almighty tome that was Things Bogans Like, a question struck the six of us. Why? After extensively cataloguing WHAT the bogan enjoys, the question of causality arose, and it was something we couldn’t answer easily. Thus, we spent hundreds of minutes hunched in front of the Underwood Five typewriters we bought with our max royalties from book one, and punched out the hastily conceived, shoddily constructed, downright HILARIOUS sequel, the cover of which you may or may not see before you.

“But where and when can I buy this almighty literary landmark?” I hear you asking.  Well, that would be on October 25th, 2011. In all good book stores. And several bad ones. We are considering a payment program based on creating a micropayment system that will charge readers on a per-word basis. This post will be $1.23, please.

In Other News…

Over the past few months, the TBL team has quite literally been scattered to the four winds, with members (whose locations we’re passingly aware of) presently in Austria, Ghana, and somewhere entertaining university students in a Parisian backpacker hostel. As for me, Chas, I’m heading off on a TBL research trip to Darwin for three weeks, the price one must pay to achieve verisimilitude.

Resultantly, there may be little to no activity on the blog for a little while, although efforts will be made to tweet the experience on Twitter with the Tweeting the kids are so fond of these days, so feel free to follow us there.

More importantly, BOGANOMICS, EVERYONE!

Friday Boganomics – The Almighty Dollar

20 05 2011

The Australian dollar is the only currency that the bogan believes in. It’s the currency that last year’s designer drug can be purchased in, it’s the currency that Centrelink can be defrauded in, and it’s the currency that can be acquired in wholesale volumes when one goes and works in the mines. While Australia’s economy was doing very well through the middle of last decade, there was a problem. Other nations were also doing well, and the exchange rate of the Australian dollar was not high. This weighed heavily on the bogan’s heart whenever it proposed to venture to Thailand, Bali, Thailand, or Bali.

Having a moderately valued currency was like getting beaten at cricket by Bangladesh. Bogans were unhappy. Unable to afford yet another Contiki Tour, a meeting of bogans was convened at the local glassing barn. The first idea raised was that everyone should join the army, and go and f**k up other countries in order to cripple their economies. This suggestion was received positively, but due to the fact that bogans mainly just talk about joining the army, it was not practical. The second idea raised seemed irrelevant, but turned out to be inadvertently genius. “Bugger this, I’m going to go work in the mines”, uttered one bogan from underneath its Von Dutch trucker cap. And so it was, even more bogans moved northwards and westwards to dig holes for their Chinese overlords.

Soon after came the subprime mortgage crisis in the United States, which subsequently became a debt-crisis that engulfed the developed world. But not Australia; it even avoided a recession due to the ongoing Chinese demand for Australian holes. Miraculously, the Aussie battler dollar began to rise from the canvas. Unsteady at first, it lurched past 90 US cents in October 2009, falling back again in mid-2010 due to the deferral of interest rate rises. While deferring interest rate rises pleases the bogan, deferring the inflation of the Aussie dollar displease the bogan very nearly as much. Hence, like the little ANZAC that it is, it came again. Mind you, much of this was due to the US Federal Reserve was desperately trying to devalue its currency in order to revive its own uncompetitive and/or obsolete export industries…

To continue reading, head over to the MacroBusiness Superblog!

Friday Boganomics – It’s UnAustralian!

15 04 2011

The phrase UnAustralian has long resonated deeply with the bogan. The bogan knows that it is Australian; indeed, the best kind of Australian. Anyone who disagrees with things the bogan likes is therefore not Australian. QED. However, something has occurred this week that gives us pause, as we consider the possible death of one of the classic bogan-baiting calls of all time. This is kind of like when Liberace died.

Much has been made of the success (and phenomenal ROI) of the mining companies’ campaign against the MRRT, or RSPT, or GREAT BIG ROCK TAX (GBRT) of late, as for a piddling investment of about $22 million, the likes of Rio Tinto, BHP, and Xstrata managed to put the kybosh on a tax that would have cost them as much as $100 billion. Such a meagre investment was all that was required to convince sufficient bogans that their well-being, their incomes, their VERY WAY OF LIFE was at threat because the government sought to tax the extraction of goods that were technically part bogan-owned in the first place.

Do the maths, because the Australian Leisure and Hospitality Group (ALH) certainly have. In other words, Woolworths have. Woolies, who own 75% of the ALH and over 10,000 pokie machines nationally, are ready to take their case to the bogan. They have witnessed the value for money on offer in convincing bogans to act against their own interests, and, in tandem with the Australian Hotels Association (AHA), are ready to punch out a $20 million propaganda campaign to convince the bogan that its happiness and well-being are conditional upon allowing large corporations to run armies of one-arm bandits. Because, like all canny operators in a bogan-facing sector, Woolies have learned that to gamble on the bogan’s stupidity is to make a sure bet.

For the rest of this week’s post, head over to the Macrobusiness Superblog! It’s no ordinary blog.

Friday Boganomics – Cyrano de Boganac

8 04 2011

During the week, Woolworths announced that its CEO, Michael Luscombe, was stepping down in favour of some fresh blood in Grant O’Brien. The local media, desperate to get into a flurry over something other than Kevin Rudd telling the country what it already knew, began flailing wildly for an angle, settling on one of two narratives: that this may mean a ‘change in strategy’ for a company that is well entrenched in a loss-leading price war with an encroaching Coles and is committed to a long-term expansion into hardware with Lowe’s to take on Wesfarmers’ Bunnings, or that he’s a ‘shelf stacker’ made good.

Both of these narratives are flawed. The first, because it is wrong. The second, because it is boring. We here at Boganomics, however, have the real scoop. Woolworths has long had little need to actively court bogan bucks, primarily due to the epic incompetence of Coles Myer, but also because bogans had little other choice. While bogans will avoid ALDI upon learning of its kraut roots, the emergence of a functioning, competitive Coles, and Costco allowing the bogan to purchase cheap things in maxtreme quantities, means that it now needs to take the bogan seriously. If you consider this a change in strategy, then perhaps the media got it right.

Below is a confidential memo that was leaked to Boganomics from the highest level of the Woolworths executive – Chairman James Strong, clearly articulating the task ahead of the new CEO. This is not information that Woolworths wishes to become public.

To read the top-secret memo, head over to our weekly column at the Macrobusiness Superblog.


Friday Boganomics – In defence of negative gearing

1 04 2011

Boganomics, along with its sister project Things Bogans Like, performs a crucial role in Australian society. While bogans may tell you that they want to bed you or glass you, they also have many other wants and needs that they are less adept at articulating. As the bogan’s unofficial mouthpiece, we simply must take exception to the Unconventional Economist, who on these very pages has been spreading anti-bogan propaganda about negative gearing.

Negative gearing is the lifeblood of cashed up bogans nationwide, asking only that the bogan be greedy and territorial in order to have the federal government bankroll the bogan’s pathway to millionaire status. With a proud tradition of greed and territorialism, the bogan’s bank accounts have never told a negative gearing tax rebate to “fuck off, we’re full”. Due to there being nothing more Australian than owning more of Australia than the bogan needs, any proposed measures to curb negative gearing are, by definition, un-Australian.

Read the rest of our solution for Australia’s property market HERE.

Friday Boganomics – March 25th

25 03 2011

While the bogan has spent the past few years variously coveting foreign-looking domestically produced beer, Mexican beer, and low-carb beer, what has remained constant is that the bogan has continued to enjoy getting the more traditional Australian beers on the cheap. With this in mind, the bogan has been incensed by the revelation this week by Fairfax that Foster’s cancelled beer shipments to Coles and Woolworths because the rival supermarket chains has plans to sell beer for really, really cheap.

This is not the first time that the Australian supermarket industry duopoly has resulted in product price wars that raised the ire of producers; the bread wars of a decade ago have been more recently followed by $2 bottles of milk. But with Coles finally making good ground on its pursuit of Woolworths, the stage was set for a large scale retail battle on the grocery product closest to the bogan’s heart. For the bogan’s liver is located mere millimetres from its heart, separated only by the diaphragm.

Read the rest of the article over at the Boganomics blog!