#167 – DFO

23 08 2010

It is understood that during the cold war in Russia, a collective of underground capitalists attempted to defy General Secretary Brezhnev’s regime, commercially trading goods at unbelievable discounts. This black market was soon trampled, and the renegades lined up and shot in Red Square. These value-hungry traders had a secret code for their goods: дешевый фаворит обладание. The closest abbreviation in English was “DFO”, for a phrase that meant “cheap favourite possession”.

The bogan, quite the cryptographer itself, found this out from its dodgy Russian weed dealer in the late 1990s. But two savvy businessmen already knew. With a clear goal of fleecing the bogan of its bucks, former petroleum bosses David Goldberger and David Wieland formed a company with the patrio-bogan name of “Austexx”, and proceeded to open their first DFO shopping centre in suburban Melbourne in 1997.

Located on airport land, the outlet fell outside of the local council’s planning jurisdiction, meaning that Austexx could plonk a massive steel shed on a suburban backstreet and fill it with shops. The two Davids pitched to prospective tenants they they’d discovered a way to convince the bogan that stuff it didn’t need or want was too cheap to not buy. дешевый фаворит обладание. Even though most of it wasn’t even дешевый.

Seeing their secret Soviet signal on a shopping centre for the first time, the bogans flooded in like illegal alien boat people to a first world democracy. They purchased that oddly shaped green polo shirt from the Country Road outlet store, because if it’s at DFO, it must be a bargain. Thanks to the bogan repeatedly beating the system in this way, soon there were DFOs across the nation. Even the Subway sandwiches were dirt cheap, because there were exposed steel beams over the store, instead of a plaster ceiling.

After a decade of this, Austexx became drunk on its power over the bogan. It opened a sprawling Melbourne complex on an expensive site a few doors up from Crown Casino, Australia’s largest bogan-friendly cash vacuum. The Davids were convinced that their debt-funded $500 million project would wire them into the bogan’s DNA for generations to come. Unfortunately, for reasons such as the lack of a greasy food court, lack of 3D cinema screens, being confused by the tangle of roads near the complex and having lost all of its money at the poker table, the bogan has refused to attend “DFO South Wharf“. Austexx’s imperial overstretch has now brought its ever-expanding universe of bogan bucks into Austexxtreme financial danger, with stern-looking bankers knocking on the door.

Having lost its local Ed Hardy store recently, the bogan is now terrified that its local DFO will soon also be ripped from its needy paws. The Victorian bogan has tried many times to go to South Wharf DFO, only to be cruelly taunted by its immense signage as it feebly passed by on one of seven different freeway on-ramps. The only time the bogan actually successfully arrived there was accidentally, questing for a suitable vomiting location, after being ejected from Crown Casino for running out of money.