#101 – A Current Affair

9 03 2010

This is the worst show on television. The bogan, with an alarming physical dependency on it, tunes in each weeknight at 6:30 sharp for its hit of outrage, denial, and quick fixes. As the familiar tones of the program’s journalistically authoritative host reverberate from the interest-free home theatre system, it lures all occupants of the McMansion into the grand sitting  room. Hunched around the television as though it’s the only heater in Antarctica, they are ready to receive their 30 minute dosage.

Without this show, the bogan would be lost. It has spent years cultivating a deep hatred of authority, immigrants, young people, non-bogans ripping off bogans, and bogans ripping off bogans. A hatred this huge would topple over under the weight of its own fundamental irrationality unless it was constantly fed and validated by moving pictures and sound. Worse still, if left to its own devices to contemplate its hates, there is a slim but unacceptable possibility that the bogan will realise that it loathes itself.

Thankfully, the bogan can turn to its television at 6:30pm to ward off any dawning self-awareness. The show’s journalists will exercise their own freedom of speech in a bogan-approved manner, cutting off or drowning out anyone featured on the show who attempts to unravel the bogan’s fragile social tapestry with an independent opinion. With the boring parts of conventional news reporting eliminated thus, the bogan can immerse itself in the x-treme journalistic elements of ambush, pursuit, hidden cameras, and selective editing.

This show is possibly the most finely honed, perfectly evolved bogan-attracting machine in existence. After years of patient trial and error, it has narrowed down the list of stories it presents to eight meta-bogan pieces. It will inform the bogan how to lose weight without fad diets or exercise, inform the bogan about the existence of con artists while chasing them down the street, inform the bogan about how generally evil young people are, inform the bogan about the dangers of foreign people entering the country, inform the bogan about what ‘crazy stunt’ the ‘Chaser boys’ have recently pulled, inform the bogan about welfare cheats robbing them of their taxes, inform the bogan about any product, service or general notion that will permit the filming of semi-exposed breasts and inform the bogan about any program on the network that might need some extra free advertising. The bogan will watch this show, then turn on Home and Away, and sleep comfortably, content that it is now an empowered and informed member of society. And that nothing is their fault.