#138 – The Third Dimension!

10 05 2010

Avatar has made $2.7 billion at the global box office. It stands to reason that at least $2.65 billion of that has come directly from bogans’ fraying surf-branded wallets. While there is no doubt that the film’s pretence of taking care of primitive natives by not blowing them up no war something something allows the bogan to feel cosmopolitan, what it finds really appealing is massive blue alien side boob. Side boob that can now be seen IN 3D! Moreover, Corey Worthington’s brother Jake Sully was busily saving the natives on the bogan’s behalf IN 3D! A one dimensional actor IN 3D!

3D! has revolutionised the film industry, just as it has revolutionised the amount the bogan is willing to pay for its plasma screen IN 3D! While the bogan knows it likes its massive cans in DD, adding a third D creates THE THIRD DIMENSION! IN 3D! The bogan can now pay more to watch the same film, but emerge dazed and with a niggling, persistent headache that will take a number of hours to fully resolve IN 3D!

The plasma screen with built in 3D! allows the manufacturer to charge the bogan a metric underbellygutload of extra cash for a TV that then lets the bogan run the risk of causing maxtreme epilepsy – which, to the bogan, is the ultimate spurious allergy IN 3D! Samsung is the first company to retail 3D! televisions in Australia, and the $1000+ price premium means that the bogan will require a 3D! credit card debt to own its max intense home theatre experience. Samsung has also offered the bogan the chance to power up its face, in preparation for the maxtreme dimensional onslaught that watching Under, Over and Around Belly in 3D! will provide, by wearing 3D! glasses with a power button IN 3D!

Yes, you heard right, Underbelly will come in 3D! in 2011. The bogan has long felt a deep personal affiliation with Underbelly, and in 2011 it will finally be immersed in a maelstrom of boobs, bullets and bodybags IN 3D! This new level of intimacy will prompt the bogan to refer to Underbelly characters by their first names, and any bogan who has done a short course in photography will be in hot demand to photograph other bogans in the midst of the cast IN 3D! With this newly rabid desire to max out the dimensions it exists in, the Nine Network is also paying $10,000,000 to bring out an American camera crew to film the NRL State of Origin game IN 3D! This will be the first time the bogan can tell other bogans to fuck off because its state is full (apart from Tasmanians) IN 3D! It is understood that Max Markson is currently exploring the legal ramifications of engineering a sex scandal perpetrated by a dimension.