#153 – The Casino

30 06 2010

For the bogan, failure is not an option. Until it fails. Until then, anything the bogan applies its formidable frontal lobe to will result in maxtreme success, monetary gain and a bevy of fecund teenage nubiles waiting in the harem. The simplest, most effective, surefire means of success is winning money purely by applying its savant-like statistical skills to the art of gambling and winning heaps of cash. And the place it can do that, while nestled in the cocoon of a room full of other bogans, is the casino.

The casino represents everything the bogan likes, wants, aspires to and fails at. An enormous glitzy shortcut of a metropolis that promises instant riches, human peacocks, velvet ropes, year-long Cirque du Soleil (or other franchised entertainment), suiting up, bad nightclubs and, of course, lots and lots of shopping. Often emblazoned with a title like ‘The Entertainment Capital of the World’, it is a schmaltzy nod to the depravity that is the ectoplasm of the bogan city. Every major city has a casino, and bogans will drive for upwards of 100 kilometres to arrive at its shining temple to mediocrity.

Here, the bogan can apply its skills as an uninformed gambler to its heart’s content, on a variety of games, from cards, to spinning wheels, to computers with fixed odds. Of 87%. Poker machines, beloved of bogans and elderly folk everywhere, are an incredible example of the mind-boggling  mathematical  ineptitude of the bogan. For every dollar that gets put into poker machines in a given state, they will return as little as 69 cents. Yet still, the bogan knows it will ‘beat the house’. It knows this because it once saw an episode of Las Vegas, where an affable simpleton overcame insurmountable odds through simple persistence and self-belief and won a million dollars. Characteristically, however, it failed to realise the distinction between what it sees on television and how it lives its life. Life imitating crap art. The bogan doesn’t care for Oscar Wilde, so heads for the counter to get more dollar coins. This could very well be its lucky day.





#77 – Poker Nights

3 02 2010

While the bogan is generally characterized by its mindless consumerism and ill-informed gambling, it does face one significant problem; scarce income. The bogan, despite having increased its earning capacity significantly over recent decades via interest-free education loans and a booming economy, still has an extraordinary ability to live beyond its means. This includes going so heavily into debt that credit cards cease to work properly.

At this point, the bogan, unable to buy the clothes it wants, or go to the bars it wants to colonise, or gamble during the Spring Carnival of horse racing, needs some other form of entertainment. While house parties can go some way to dealing with these problems, they can greatly diminish the chances of attracting a bogan of the other gender. There tends to be the need to speak to other people at house parties, as distinct from the occasionally muffled yell at one another before subtly groping each other in a darkened, cavernous room.

Suddenly, with the advent of pay TV – and later digital TV – a new bogan paradigm began to emerge: poker. The Poker World Championships were aired on ESPN and later Channel One, a delicious slice of the tension that exists during professional poker matches. As the bogan male has a preternaturally created belief that it is the greatest gambler on Earth, there was an automatic swarm of bogans to the casino – which had handily been built in the past decade or so – where they could embrace a game they felt they could ‘beat the house’ at. Despite the fact that the house doesn’t really play.

Upon realizing that poker at the casino tended to last about thirty minutes before their coffers were empty, the bogan quickly realised that its $300 could be better invested in a 1,000-chip poker set that comes with playing mat, chip rake and dice (bogans have not, to this day, figured out what the dice are for). This way, the bogan can embrace playing poker in the safety of its own home, can buy foreign-label beer at a far lower cost, and live out the dream of luxury, James-Bond style debauchery (without the luxury, women or sex) – all for about $40 each.

Even better, the bogan love of celebrity can be catered to via this manner also, as Joe Hachem, former World Poker Tour Champion, was just an ordinary guy from the working class northern suburbs of Melbourne who now has his own TV show. That he had to win an international tournament is, to the bogan, a minor bump on the path to national television stardom. All starting in the loungeroom of Andrew’s house up the road. However, being ‘x-treme‘, the bogan manages to lose all his money within 20 minutes (and five Coronas – with lime), as only pussies and fags fold when they have pocket cards of 6 and 2 off suit.





#29 – 3-Park Superpass!

19 11 2009

The Islamic faith has Mecca, the Catholics have the Vatican City, and the fashion world has Milan. Bogan culture, too, has its own site of pilgrimage – a fountain of Boganic purity, gushing forth in plenty all that is Boganesque – that place is Queensland’s Gold Coast. On the Gold Coast, not so much a city as a holiday resort-cum-shopping-mall-cum-vertical retirement village, no sites are more sacred than that juggernaut of Bogan fun-in-the-sun, Movie World, Sea World and Wet’n’Wild, all covered under the extravagantly priced Three Park Superpass*. According to the operator, these theme parks are “a thrill-seekers (sic) paradise”, leading us to conclude that thrill seeker (Bogan) heaven involves some combination of getting sunburnt, being ripped off, thrashing your children in public, waiting in queues and having a chuck from a moving vehicle. Let’s break this down.

Warner Bros. Movie World:

Movie World touts itself as “Hollywood on the Gold Coast”, but it differs from the real Hollywood in that no movies have actually ever been made there. It is a reproduction of the soulless artifice Hollywood is famous for, sans any actual motion picture production; a testament to the cynical genius of marketers as much as it is to the Bogan’s slack-jawed susceptibility to their ruses, Movie World’s success lies in combining everything about mass culture which provides such enduring comfort to the Bogan, stripping it of any remaining content, and turning it into an extreme, bowel-loosening thrill ride experience. The Bogan loves Movie World because the rides vaguely remind it of a film it once saw cross-marketed on a Happy Meal, but at that point the Bogan stops thinking about it, because everything’s going really really fast.

Sea World:

Sea World, much like that other Queensland nature abomination, Australia Zoo, seems on the surface to be highly educational, but do not be fooled. You will not learn anything about marine life on Bert and Ernie’s Island Holiday, or the amazing Jet Rescue Ride, where somehow you can save a sea lion by riding a jet ski, instead of destroying its habitat and disfiguring its progeny, which is what you’d expect to happen. Sea World is truly a magical place where our natural environment meets high-octane fun, and is summarily ground into extinction.

Wet ‘n’ Wild:

Seeing as there is no discernable difference between this place and Sea World (apart from the dolphins in the pool having been replaced by yet more dickheads,) there is nothing further to add.

* As much out of malice as commercial imperative, the equally dumb and crass Dreamworld has been excluded from the Superpass, although the Bogan may not know this at the time of impulse purchase, allowing the Bogan to wait in yet another endless queue to lodge an irrational complaint.





The Full List

17 10 2009

#263 – Saying So Themselves

#262 – Padlocks

#261 – The Business Class Boast

#260 – Marilyn Monroe

#259 – Necks

#258 – Knowing The Future

#257 – Just Asking Questions

#256 – Superfluous Ingredient Descriptors

#255 – Living Once

#254 – Outrage

#253 – Fifty Shades of Grey

#252 – Tom Waterhouse

#251 – Gates

#250 – Donald Trump

#249 – Pauline Hanson

#248 – Bashing Hippie Skulls

#247 – Gig Photography

#246 – Tax Refunds

#245 – The Makers of ‘The Hangover’

#244 – Low Interest Rates

#243 – Perspective-Based Photography at Famous Landmarks

#242 – Playing The Markets

#241 – Theatre Restaurants

#240 – Cruise Ships

#239 – Talking About Joining the Army

#238 – The Australian Dollar 

#237 – Conspiracy Theories

#236 – Sex Addiction

#235 – WAGs

#234 – Fender Stratocasters

#233 – Schadenfreude

#232 – Bundaberg Rum

#231 – Shock Jocks

#230 – Cross-Promotions

#229 – Your Favourite Bar

#228 – Doing it Wrong

#227 – Banks

#226 – Cougars

#225 – Massive Prams

#224 – Zara

#223 – Meat Lovers’ Pizzas

#222 – Walking Between Train Carriages

#221 – Baptisms

#220 – Richard Mercer

#219 – Online Binary Polls

#218 – Mexican Beer

#217 – Driving Like a Fucking Idiot

#216 – The Real World

#215 – Franchises

#214 – Complaining About Facebook

#213 – Other People’s Backyards

#212 – Buying Australian Made

#211 – Foxtel

#210 – Manly Diet Cola

#209 – Tiffany & Co.

#208 – Platinum

#207 – Cheap Petrol

#206 – New Year’s Resolution

#205 – Dickileaks

#204 – Curtis Stone

#203 – Being Smart

#202 – Gerry Harvey

#201 – Palazzo Versace Australia

#200 – Shane Warne

#199 – Decrying Corrupt FIFA Executives

#198 – Losing Weight for Summer

#197 – Toolies

#196 – Farewell Tours

#195 – Impersonating someone who impersonated someone who impersonated Mark Read

#194 – Bandwagons

#193 – Bootcamp

#192 – Theoretical Cunnilingus (V-lick)

#191 – Angus Beef

#190 – Movember

#189 – Jersey Shore

#188 – Our Ava Sydney Hewitt

#187 – Fascinators

#186 – Sporting Memorabilia

#185 – History

#184 – Ducks

#183 – Catholicism

#182 – Lance Armstrong

#181 – Sarcasm

#180 – Footy Trips

#179 – Tradies

#178 – Certainty

#177 – Carbon Offsets

#176 – Zumba

#175 – Car Parks

#174 – Pyramids

#173 – Police Procedurals

#172 – Unsolicited Music Requests

#171 – Being a Pro Photographer

#170 – Michael Bublé

#169 – Mild Curries

#168 – Brazil

#167 – DFO

#166 – Morning Television

#165 – Sequels

#164 – Full-Body Rigidity

#163 – Executive Consultant Account Coordination Management

#162 – Footpaths Outside Nightclubs

#161 – The Brisbane Broncos

#160 – EmotionDrums™

#159 – Australia’s First Female Prime Minister

#158 – Party Buses

#157 – Paintball

#156 – All Things Fast and/or Furious

#155 – Krispy Kreme

#154 – Coloured Ribbons

#153 – The Casino

#152 – Nutri Grain

#151 – Clashing With Reporters

#150 – Ned Kelly

#149 – Homophobia

#148 – Wii Fit

#147 – Wine Tours

#146 – Our Sam Stosur

#145 – Hot Asian Chicks

#144 – Home Fitness Equipment

#143 – David Guetta

#142 – Buying a Snowboard

#141 – Suiting Up

#140 – Ill-Informed Analysis of the Qu’ran

#139 – Bear Grylls

#138 – The Third Dimension!

#137 – Their Taxpayer Dollars

#136 – Foreign Tattoos

#135 – The Logies

#134 – Pre-Mixed Drinks

#133 – Celebrities’ Opinions

#132 – Aussie Hip Hop

#131 – Short Courses

#130 – Celebrity Fragrances

#129 – Power Balance Bands

#128 – Scapegoats

#127 – Slater and Gordon

#126 – Hey, Hey It’s Saturday

#125 – IKEA

#124 – Anal

#123 – Indie Rock Choruses

#122 – Ernie Dingo

#121 – The Lynx Effect

#120 – Forgiving Celebrities

#119 – April Fool’s Day

#118 – Vampires

#117 – Pandora Bracelets

#116 – Doing their back in

#115 – Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton

#114 – Delta Goodrem

#113 – Shaolin Warrior Monks

#112 – Mobs

#111 – Zoo Weekly

#110 – ADHD

#109 – ‘Rock the Ballet’

#108 – Two and a Half Men

#107 – St Patrick’s Day

#106 – Mixed Martial Arts

#105 – Plus-Size Models

#104 – Road Rage

#103 – Max Markson

#102 – Red Carpet Specials

#101 – A Current Affair

#100 – Brendan Fevola

#99 – Today/Tonight

#98 – Doing as Simon Says

#97 – Anti-intellectualism

#96 – Late Night Logistics

#95 – Freedom of Speech

#94 – P!nk

#93 – Spurious Allergies

#92 – News Limited

#91 – Reality TV

#90 – Baby (brand)

#89 – Their Children on Facebook

#88 – Premium SMS Services

#87 – La Porchetta’s

#86 – Melanin

#85 – Residential Property Investment

#84 – SMS Speak

#83 – Twenty/Twenty Cricket

#82 – Nike Shoxmax

#81 – Ministry of Sound

#80 – Fashion Statements

#79 – Big Things

#78 – André Rieu

#77 – Poker Nights

#76 – McMansions

#75 – Velvet Ropes

#74 – Border Security: Australia’s Front Line

#73 – Paper Planes

#72 – X

#71 – Overseas Day

#70 – Tennis

#69 – Megachurches

#68 – Functional Water

#67 – Southern Cross Tattoos

#66 – Glassing Cunts

#65 – Frangipani Stickers

#64 – Guitar Hero

#63 – Formal Living Areas

#62 – Sarah Jessica Parker

#61 – (Even More) Ed Hardy

#60 – Going to Work in the Mines

#59 – Joining Moronic Facebook Groups

#58 – Hugh Hefner

#57 – New Year’s Eve

#56 – Post-Christmas Sales

#55 – Chrisco

#54 – Thailand

#53 – Their Pre-baby Weight

#52 – Telethons

#51 – Tribal Tattoos

#50 – Discount Airlines

#49 – Faux Lesbianism

#48 – The Corbys

#47 – “Fuck Off, We’re Full” Stickers

#46 – Weddings: Photos

#45 – Weddings: Her Big Day

#44 – Weddings: The Buck’s/The Hen’s

#43 – Weddings: The Preparations

#42 – Weddings: The Courtship

#41 – Kings of Leon

#40 – Commercial Radio

#39 – “Political Correctness Gone Mad”

#38 – Finding God

#37 – The Secret

#36 – Self Help Books

#35 – Puppetry of the Penis

#34 – Sexpo

#33 – The Australian Victory at Gallipoli

#32 – Glamour Photography

#31 – Couture

#30 – Fad Diets

#29 – 3-Park Superpass!

#28 – “Holdens”

#27 – Rove

#26 – Malapropisms

#25 – Voting

#24 – Underbelly

#23 – Locally Produced, Foreign Label Beer

#22 – Cover Bands

#21 – Massive Cans

#20 – Painting

#19 – Killing Things

#18 – Petrol Consumption as Recreation

#17 – The Melbourne Cup

#16 – Uninformed Gambling

#15 – Personalised Numberplates

#14 – Sexualising Their Children

#13 – Misspelling Their Kids’ Names

#12 – Christian Audigier

#11 – Ruining Music Festivals

#10 – Last Year’s Designer Drug

#9 – Getting Huge

#8 – Contiki Tours

#7 – Books; After the Film Release

#6 – Prefacing Racist Statements With “I’m not racist but…’

#5 – Boost Juice

#4 – No Deposit, No Interest, No Repayments for 18 Months!

#3 – Tramp Stamps

#2 – Buddhist Iconography as Home Furnishings

#1 – Arbitrary Thievery

Bogan Extreme Sport