#13 – Misspelling Their Kids’ Names

29 10 2009

Like much of the western world, the bogan is on a constant quest for self-actualisation. However, its quest to be unique tends to revolve around a level of cultural conformity that borders on the criminal. And nowhere is this more obvious than when they bless their offspring with their names.

Little JaxonNaming a child is a permanent thing, or should be, and the bogan parent takes care to ensure that their own pursuit of individualism is reflected in their young. There is no better way to achieve this, thinks the new parent, than to give the baby a ‘unique’ name. This is where the process falls down. Rather than actually bestowing their newborn with a genuinely one-of-a-kind name – or at least an uncommon one – they merely take a common one and misspell it. Bogans love song remixes, because it’s usually just the original song with more bells and whistles, tempo, and gimmicky bleeps. Their love of the remix is manifested when they get the chance to name a child. Ever met a Hayleigh? A Braydon? A Jorja? A Kayleb? Probably many, because these kids will be spelling out their names to all and sundry for the next 80 years.

How about a Jaxon? Or a Jacksen? Or even a Jakxsen? A recent, and related, trend in bogan names is to simply replace a first name with a surname. Then misspell it. But it doesn’t end there – the aspirational bogan identifies the opportunity to finally get a Mercedes under their roof. By calling their child Mercedes. Or Chanel, or Armani. The bogan believes that conferring such a name on their child will ensure future prosperity for both child and parent, and as a result feels no obligation to put effort into properly raising the child once it is born.

Of course, the end result of all this creativity is that instead of five Adams in a class attempting to distinguish themselves from each other, there are now Riley, Reilly, Rhylee, Rhylie, Rylee, Ryley and Rylie getting into stoushes over whose Dad has the biggest flat screen/best surround sound system. The bogan parent has consigned their remixed child to being a B-side on the vinyl of life.

*Blog Note*

We’ve decided, by the response this is getting, to set up a whole page dedicated to this very topic! If you have ideas/suggested bogan baby names, we can have a ready database for confused pre-natals! Check out the new page!

Caution: The next person to recount “Le-a” or “Abcde” will be shot.

#7 – Books – But Only After the Movie Comes Out

22 10 2009

Bogans will tell you that they love to read. This is convenient, as reading is, by its very nature, a solitary exercise. As books are generally read away from the presence of other people, it is quite simple to assume a mien of intellectuality, and opine solemnly on the quality of either the latest bestseller, or a well-known classic without ever actually having moved beyond the blurb. However, in conducting this kind of surreptitious deception, the bogan leaves itself open to exposure – if a comrade has read the book in question and calls the bluff.

Harry PotterAs such, the bogan is far more inclined to wholeheartedly embrace the release of books which have subsequently been turned into major motion pictures. The Power of One, Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code/Angels and Demons, the Twilight series(oh, God, the Twilight series), The Bourne Identity/Supremacy/Ultimatum, Memoirs of a Geisha, Silence of the Lambs, Confessions of a Shopaholic, The Devil Wears Prada, and of course everything by Tom Clancy, John Grisham and Michael Crichton.

An interesting offshoot of this phenomenon is that many bogans actually wind up reading the books in question, as they discover – to their own surprise and amazement – that reading can be an edifying experience. This, of course, leads to the natural point whereby the bogans resume their pompous proclamations about the book, but now it is only to boldly, lamely state that it is ‘way better than the movie.’

This is a ruse, as no bogan worth their salt would willingly sit through all 13,000 pages of the sixth Harry Potter installment without the film to act as their equivalent of a study guide. That imagination shit’s overrated anyway. More sophisticated bogans have, by the way, graduated beyond such primitive options, having discovered Sparknotes, creating an entirely new bogan literary subculture.

However, no one – not even the most late-adopting, slogan wearing bogan, would ever touch the novelization of a film. That would be going too far.

#6 – Prefacing Racist Statements With ‘I’m not racist but…’

21 10 2009

The new bogan is a beacon of tolerance. This comes from the brief association with a person from a different country/race/religion at the local Thai or Chinese take away, the ostracised work colleague, or the evening spent on the Woodies with a mate’s girlfriend’s friend’s Asian friend. Thus, in the event of a discussion relating to racism, aboriginals or Asian drivers, the bogan is all knowing.

Each statement typically begins with an honest admission such as:

I’m not racist….. but those Abos really have it too good, the bastards


‘I’m not racist…but those fucking curries should quit whining. Seriously a couple of them get bashed and you’d think it was the end of the world.’

Or the more authoritative, and ever popular:

‘One of my best mates is Asian, so I’m allowed to say they STINK. They really do, even in Bali and Bangkok. And they can’t drive. It’s like genetics or something.’

Chick Chick BoomThis form of disclaimer can be extended beyond occasional interactions with foreigners, and many bogans will actively carry, wear or enact visible or tangible evidence of their god-given right to besmirch those who differ from them. Common examples include Buddhist iconography – in the form of home furnishings, or the more portable keychain – t-shirts with foreign languages, or tattoos with bad translations of common phrases in other languages.

By proudly displaying in this fashion, the bogan carries a semi-permanent signifier that, when they ruthlessly and unnecessarily characterise an entire billion-strong ethnic group on the basis of a tired stereotype, they do it from a position of understanding and empathy.