#7 – Books – But Only After the Movie Comes Out

22 10 2009

Bogans will tell you that they love to read. This is convenient, as reading is, by its very nature, a solitary exercise. As books are generally read away from the presence of other people, it is quite simple to assume a mien of intellectuality, and opine solemnly on the quality of either the latest bestseller, or a well-known classic without ever actually having moved beyond the blurb. However, in conducting this kind of surreptitious deception, the bogan leaves itself open to exposure – if a comrade has read the book in question and calls the bluff.

Harry PotterAs such, the bogan is far more inclined to wholeheartedly embrace the release of books which have subsequently been turned into major motion pictures. The Power of One, Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code/Angels and Demons, the Twilight series(oh, God, the Twilight series), The Bourne Identity/Supremacy/Ultimatum, Memoirs of a Geisha, Silence of the Lambs, Confessions of a Shopaholic, The Devil Wears Prada, and of course everything by Tom Clancy, John Grisham and Michael Crichton.

An interesting offshoot of this phenomenon is that many bogans actually wind up reading the books in question, as they discover – to their own surprise and amazement – that reading can be an edifying experience. This, of course, leads to the natural point whereby the bogans resume their pompous proclamations about the book, but now it is only to boldly, lamely state that it is ‘way better than the movie.’

This is a ruse, as no bogan worth their salt would willingly sit through all 13,000 pages of the sixth Harry Potter installment without the film to act as their equivalent of a study guide. That imagination shit’s overrated anyway. More sophisticated bogans have, by the way, graduated beyond such primitive options, having discovered Sparknotes, creating an entirely new bogan literary subculture.

However, no one – not even the most late-adopting, slogan wearing bogan, would ever touch the novelization of a film. That would be going too far.

#4 – No Deposit, No-Interest, No-Repayments for 18 Months!

20 10 2009

Maintaining an appropriately fashionable abode, with appropriately massive TV screen and appropriately loud home-theatre system is an expensive task, particularly for the bogan whose weekly income still relies on nightfilling at Woolies. Thankfully, the proprietors of equally massive retailers like Harvey Norman saw a hole in the market, and decided to fill it. So now, bogan dreams can be fulfilled, by getting FREE STUFF!

Buy Now Pay Later

The bogan equivalent of a bug-zapper.

That’s right, these kindly salespeople will let bogans walk into their store, pick out a 320cm LCD screen and carry it back to the Holden without paying a cent! Sure, you had to sign a couple of forms before they let you leave, but so what? Time to head home and watch Border Security in high-definition surround sound!

Of course, none of this takes into account the monthly fees that are mentioned in the fine print of the contract. None of this mentions the 35% monthly interest that the account accrues immediately upon missing one of these payments, or the 60% interest once the 18 months are up. And it certainly doesn’t include burly men arriving at your door at 3pm, menacingly playing with little Shayleigh and Jaxon, with the implication of kidnap and violence should the withheld funds fail to be procured.

Access to easy credit has been blamed for a lot of things of late, and the bogan’s love of free money lies at the heart of all of our economic woes. Subprime mortgages! No job? No Assets? No worries! Here’s $400,000 to buy a house on the Californian coast! Credit card bill catching up on you? That’s cool, here, have….another credit card!

Often, when confronted with thousands of dollars of debt, or a looming home repossession, an ordinary person would suck it up and change their spending habits. However, the bogan is wiser. Cannily placing a call to the producers of Today Tonight or A Current Affair, they manage to position themselves – on national television – as the innocent, only slightly naïve victims of malicious predators. The most skilled bogans will manage to turn the entire episode into a charitable fundraiser, as caring bogans everywhere pledge their financial support. Probably because they, too, remember the sting of Harvey Norman’s terms of finance.

#2 – Buddhist Iconography as Home Furnishings

16 10 2009

No longer is the bogan confined to decorating their home with HSV wall clocks and novelty stubby holders featuring grammatically reprehensible, jingoistic humour about beer guts, ageing, or alleged sexual prowess.

BuddhistThe 21st century has seen the bogan home politicised by the upwardly mobile sentiments of the female bogan, who is now pursuing new goals in the bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, and dining room. Unfortunately for the male bogan, these goals do not provide opportunities to validate the assertions printed on his carefully selected stubby holders.

They are the new goals of the suburban aspirational class so elegantly segmented as Howard’s battlers, and what better way to announce one’s entry into the knowledge economy than by purchasing a Buddhism-themed figurine, statue, or water feature from the garden section of Kmart. The female bogan is then able to experience an increased sense of affiliation with thousands of years of learning, sacrifice, and suffering, conveniently distilled into a domestic decoration that will go well with the new cushions. Fortunately for the household, the female does not expect the rest of the family to understand the philosophy behind the iconography, largely because she doesn’t either.

Much like the destruction of Polar Bear habitat being wrought by the seemingly unstoppable march of global warming, the female bogan’s bold new foray into exotic symbolism has forced the traditional male to retreat to the rumpus room. There, he is constructing a final battle line near the entrance to the room, comprised primarily of the stubby holders, and a scale model of a Bathurst-winning Holden driven by the late, great Peter Brock.