#85 – Residential Property Investment

15 02 2010

The bogan hates being told what to do, hates having its movements restricted, and hates feeling obliged to anyone. This is an important reason why it loves purchasing investment properties; so it can tell someone what to do, restrict their movements, and have someone feel obliged to them.

While the bogan finds other classes of investment to be annoyingly abstract, residential property provides the bogan with the ability to cut corners on maintenance, and to smugly survey its empire. Worried about tales told to it by uninformed bogan friends about stockmarket losses, it will enthusiastically lap up advice dispensed by the same uninformed bogan friends about the magic of negative gearing on residential property. Indeed, it is likely that the bogan followed its herd and invested in a Telstra stock offering, only to be infuriated by years of poor performance. The impatient bogan then sells low, and decries the entire stockmarket as ‘dodgy’. 

With this hatred of dodginess fresh in its mind, the bogan will seek refuge in the fantastic 25% returns promised at property seminars conducted by fine businessmen such as Henry Kaye. At the conclusion of the dazzling seminar, the bogan re-mortgages three of its internal organs and part of its McMansion to invest in a yet-to-be-constructed waterfront villa in a part of the Gulf of Carpentaria that is “about to boom”. This speculatory process is replicated in other emotion/ego driven acquisitions in its home town, all highly leveraged.

This complete lack of portfolio diversification leaves the bogan’s nascent empire open to x-treme things. When property prices increase, it will take out a high interest equity loan against its existing properties to fund the acquisition of new ones, further outsmarting the market with its inspired blend of greed and hubris. Feeling every bit the bulletproof oligarch, it will purchase things such as high performance vehicles, yachting holidays, and a home theatre system the size of Barnaby Joyce’s economic incompetence. Disappointed that the “HEHEHE” personalised numberplate is not available, it settles for “NVESTA”.

A year or two down the track, the Federal Government reluctantly accepts that it can no longer fund policies designed to artificially inflate residential property values and appease gluttonous bogan voters. Prices then fall moderately, sending the bogan’s bloated and astoundingly leveraged portfolio into a tailspin. The bank then calls in some negative equity loans, and the bogan is forced to arrange a string of hasty auctions at the bottom of the market. All that remains is a 5 year old car, a 5 year old TV, and a bank account the size of Peter Garrett’s project management skills. As the bogan dejectedly sifts through its mail on auction day, it eyes a pamphlet guaranteeing 30% returns on the stockmarket, and an accompanying seminar at a nearby motel the following weekend.

#258 – Knowing the Future

16 07 2013

“The future is a foreign country,” says the bogan wisely as it looks up from The Daily Telegraph, comfortable that it pulled that quote that it heard on A Current Affair that one time. Quotes always make you sound wise.

Bogan whispererBut deep down, it knows that actually the future is terrifying; a dystopian nightmare without royal babies, without taurine-fuelled drinks in infinite varieties, without Kyle Sandilands doing flips onto a shooting star.

The bogan is afraid. Always has been. The massive guns, the melanin, the colourful attire, the carefully rehearsed poses for those weird photos they take at the nightclub; they’re all a hastily constructed veneer to show the world that everything’s cool. But rather, the bogan is terrified; thirsting for knowledge. For understanding what comes next.

It’s no longer worried about its children now that they’re baptised and Ray Hadley tells it that climate change is rubbish. But what about its own future? Its job security? Its plans to retire at 53 without actually having saved anything, but chucked a few quid into Apple shares?

First, it turns to Ross Greenwood on Channel 9, who has some feelpinions about the future, then tells the bogan to stop spending so much on flatscreens and save some money. Disgusted, the bogan looks elsewhere.

Housing. The bogan knows there has never been a safer bet than throwing all of its money into a rental property, negatively gearing this shit out of it/renovating and ‘turning it over’, then counting the dollars.

But where to look? Who could provide that needed certainty? The hot tip on where to buy a house in that suburb that is a dead-set certainty to be the next boomtown but the bogan would never live in?

Enter: News Limited.

Enter: News Limited’s resident Australian Real Estate Psychic, Elisabeth Jensen.

In further incontrovertible evidence that no individual, organisation or business has its finger as firmly pressed to the bogan pulse as Rupert’s Australian outpost, the stable of tabloids and websites that fall under the News Corp banner have employed ‘2010 Australian Psychic of the Year’ Ms Jensen to provide a regular column answering readers’ (bogans’) questions about all things real estate.

“I was guided to the home I live in, I saw it in a vision, I went there to have a look at one I really wanted but couldn’t buy the unit.

“A month later another unit came up in the same block and that was much better because the other one had problems at a later date,” said the bogan whisperer Jensen.

News Limited feel confident in her ability to assist bogans in finding out the sweet place to buy, or whether “there’s a problem with any property.”

“People come to me to see me for a psychic reading, asking what’s wrong with a particular house, that it feels very strange, asking ‘are there spirits in this house’,” Ms Jensen says.

“I’ve sent away bad energy or difficult spirits, sometimes they’re lost souls, people who don’t know they’re dead.”

After consulting with the property medium, the bogan will then be consulted on the likelihood via binary online poll.

Looking up from its copy of the Tele, the bogan exhales, relieved. It has certainty again.


#250 – Donald Trump

20 12 2011

The bogan briefly enjoyed having a ranga in charge of Australia, but even bogans eventually became tired of jokes about red hair. Caught in a flurry of boats laden with carbon, live cattle, and something to do with Greek debt, the bogan needs a new leader. A strong, soundbite-savvy, one-dimensional aggressor to set everything right in the bogan’s suddenly flustered existence. Someone with enough Real Action potential to reverse any recent, highly distressing changes to Facebook’s layout. With a federal election still some time away, Tony Abbott is not in a position to save the bogan. So the bogan turns to someone with not only red hair, but funny-looking red hair. New (old) jokes become possible (unavoidable).

Donald Trump is everything that the bogan wants from being a bazillionaire: he started by investing in residential real estate, and then became max celeb. Eventually, he scored a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, walked past countless velvet ropes, and now co-owns the Miss Universe beauty pageant. The bogan is also inspired by the idea that Trump gets to be an arsehole to people without repercussions. The 65 year old New Yorker was in Australia recently to record a cameo appearance in Celebrity Apprentice, reminding the bogan that its reality television-driven admiration of Trump is based on solid bogan philosophy.

While the bogan will normally glass any cunt who even utters the term “layoffs”, there are few ways to make a bogan happier than showing it footage of Donald Trump arbitrarily firing people who are striving for reality television excellence. Aside from the TV cameo, and appearances at a glorified business lunch, Trump’s core message to Australia was bogan catnip. It was almost like he knew of the bogan male’s ongoing failings to screw hot Asian chicks in Australian bars. “Screw China”, Trump thundered, referring to the partial pricing power that Australia’s commodity producers currently enjoy over their exports to developing countries in Asia. Screwing a billion Chinese people is like… a billion times better than screwing just one.

Just as Hugh Hefner has grown plump on mass-marketing trashy products carrying a logo that represents high end decadence, Trump is also unsatisfied with merely selling luxury to the very wealthy. $12 Trump cologne, “Trump Ice” bottled water, Trump vodka, Trump steaks (Trumprump?), Trump magazine, a forthcoming Trump online casino, Trump neckties, Trump home furniture, even short courses at the illegally named “Trump University” have followed. Trump sells the idea that looking rich is the pathway to immense wealth, an idea that appeals to bogans more than an interest-free, Hummer-branded Jet ski endorsed by David Guetta. Well, maybe not more than that. But, despite his periodic lawsuits, bankruptcies, and scandals, the Donald looks set to retain his hegemonic relationship over the bogan’s mind and wallet. Trump that, bogans.

Boganomics: Maxximising the Bogan Opportunity

19 10 2011

Marketers should never, ever view the bogan as a problem. The bogan is an amazing opportunity. Other market segments marketers deal with are likely to be more discerning, more logical, and more restrained. When faced with the chance to pitch to the bogan, the opportunity needs to be maximised to the power of max.

Bogan marketing: novice level

The basic view of marketing involves making your product stand out amongst competitors, and appealing to the target audience in a way that makes the audience more likely to plump for your product instead of something that isn’t your product. Take, for example, a hungry bogan. One who wishes to plump for its own plumpness.

As portrayed in the above diagram, a marketing strategist for KFC aspires to instruct the bogan that it should not go to the supermarket, nor should it sample fine dining, go to a competitor, or go and do something about its waistline. Instead of any of these things, the bogan is to want a delicious Zinger burger. The easiest way to do this is to apply as many of the X factors as possible from our proprietary X-factor bogan wrangling model.

Bogan marketing: intermediate level

The novice marketer to the bogan may think that he or she has done a wonderful job by convincing the bogan that it should eat a Zinger burger at KFC. In truth, the marketer’s performance has been woeful, considering the opportunity it was presented with. The bogan has little capacity to differentiate its wants from its needs, and its own opinions from those opinions which it is instructed to possess. A higher level of bogan marketer appreciates these facts, and will use them to achieve a higher level of success.

The intermediate level bogan marketing diagram demonstrates the ability to make the bogan choose KFC for its burger, and then inform the bogan that it also needs something else in order for the Zinger burger to be truly satisfying. This can be done by packaging the products together, and calling it “deluxe”, or “value”. The bogan will never evaluate whether the package of products is indeed deluxe or good value, so there is no need to discount or add quality. When packaging the products together, the bogan marketer should consult the X-factor model to ensure that the package comes in a brightly branded carry box. Another highly effective method is informing the bogan that the deluxe value meal, while comprised of three regular menu items, is available for a limited time only.

 Bogan marketing: advanced level

The bogan marketer who has achieved the intermediate level of upselling, packaging, or expanding the bogan’s perceptions of its needs has reason to feel proud of their work. A marketer at this level is likely to be promoted to middle management, and go on to forge a solid career assisting the bogan in believing that marketing and advertising is an instrument that helps the bogan, not controls it. If, however, the marketer wishes to progress to the top of the tree, they need to abandon any quaint idea that they work with the bogan, instead embracing a gloriously depraved hegemony over the bogan’s hopes and dreams.

The diagram for the advanced level of bogan marketing shows that the bogan’s hunger should not be acknowledged by the marketer. Hunger for food can generally be satiated for $15 or less, and the bogan has more bucks than that. These bucks are the rightful property of the marketer, and need to be removed from the bogan promptly. The advanced level bogan marketer interprets the bogan’s hunger not as a hunger for food, but as a hunger for consumption. For example, a bogan marketer with multiple clients should include a plug for an iPhone app in its KFC advertisement, an app which would allow the bogan to summon a Zinger burger to its couch with little more than a wave of its finger. Now that the bogan is thinking about the benefits of advanced telephony, it is ripe to be sold a poor value, multi-year phone contract with an overloaded telco. This phone advertisement needs to follow the KFC advertisement swiftly, before the bogan forgets what it has been told it wants.

Stage one complete, the elite bogan marketer will conjure up a nonsensical branding alliance between the phone retailer and the provider of dubious and extremely expensive medical suppliers who promise that they will allow the bogan to have maxtreme sex. The branding alliance does not need to make any sense at all – the bogan is still hungry, confused, and its credit card is warmed from previous swiping. An equally meaningless connection can be then made to a car manufacturer, via a method such as an “everyone wins something” raffle or lottery, where the bogan’s supplied contact details are then used to pepper it with any number of unrelated marketing schemes. The bogan’s hunger has continued to grow, and the idea of a fast car to get it to a feeding venue is likely to be of appeal.

At this point, the bogan’s bucks are likely to be exhausted, along with its various lines of credit. A $15 hunger has been completely ignored by the advanced level marketer, who merely viewed it as the soft underbelly of a cash chamber worth approximately $45,000. The chamber thus emptied, this zen level marketer can choose to retire to the Bahamas. If, however, the marketer has become so hooked on exploiting the bogan that they can derive joy from nothing else, he or she can then sell a 26% interest “Deluxe platinum” credit card to the bogan, because the bogan is still hungry, and Zinger burgers ain’t free.

Friday Boganomics: We Learned a New Term

10 06 2011

Rightly, the bogan hates being told what to do, hates having its movements restricted, and hates feeling obliged to anyone. This is an important reason why it loves purchasing investment properties; so it can tell someone else what to do, restrict their movements, and have someone feel obliged to them.

This free-thinking, independent creature is informed by its convictions, exhaustive research and by Brent down the pub. These resources have led it to believe that the best way to stay in the pink of financial health is to invest in property. Various credible people and publications have told the bogan that the only safe bet in the world is houses, because, well, they are ‘safe as houses, mate’. This message is reinforced by Brent who reckons ‘God ain’t makin’ any more of it is he?’. What, asks our libertarian crusader? ‘Land, mate. Laaaaand.’

The bogan has heard these same anachronisms being belted out by many a non-ivory type and knows it to be true. God ain’t making any more it, he’s retired and making less, all the time. Convinced of the endless profits and jet skis to be made from the property market, it decides to re-mortgage its McMansion and its right kidney to purchase a 3-bedroom townhouse in a leafy suburb only 25 minutes from the heart of the CBD.

To continue reading, head over to the Macrobusiness Superblog

Friday Boganomics – In defence of negative gearing

1 04 2011

Boganomics, along with its sister project Things Bogans Like, performs a crucial role in Australian society. While bogans may tell you that they want to bed you or glass you, they also have many other wants and needs that they are less adept at articulating. As the bogan’s unofficial mouthpiece, we simply must take exception to the Unconventional Economist, who on these very pages has been spreading anti-bogan propaganda about negative gearing.

Negative gearing is the lifeblood of cashed up bogans nationwide, asking only that the bogan be greedy and territorial in order to have the federal government bankroll the bogan’s pathway to millionaire status. With a proud tradition of greed and territorialism, the bogan’s bank accounts have never told a negative gearing tax rebate to “fuck off, we’re full”. Due to there being nothing more Australian than owning more of Australia than the bogan needs, any proposed measures to curb negative gearing are, by definition, un-Australian.

Read the rest of our solution for Australia’s property market HERE.

#213 – Other People’s Backyards

14 02 2011

The bogan staunchly defends its right to access middle class welfare schemes such as negative gearing, in order to create a highly geared and lowly diversified investment empire. Apartments, units, houses with big backyards – investment properties equal big, odiferous bogan schmackos. But while the bogan wants to own all properties, it also insists that other people retain them too. It wants other people to have backyards to adequately house things the bogan finds unpleasant.

While the bogan will reluctantly acknowledge the need for undesirable things like sewage farms, landfills, and non-franchised coffee shops to exist somewhere, it wants the consequences of its own rabid behaviour to be entirely borne by other people, far far away. The crucial problem here is that the bogan and its interests have colonised the majority of the nation. Very few locations exist where something such as a hospital could be built, due to an avalanche of bogan complaints that the sound of the ambulances would ruin the peace and quiet during their routine viewings of Grey’s Anatomy. That said, if an ailing bogan is not instantly cured by the medical system, the bogan’s family will simultaneously phone A Current Affair and Slater & Gordon to extract maxtreme revenge justice. The bogan wants to eat its cake, be given an unlimited free supply of additional cakes, and to never get diabetes from the staggering volume of glucose contained therein. Or else.

The bogan considers proposed airports and nuclear dumps unacceptable, and medium density residential developments near its McMansion even worse. While the McMansion occupies 98% of its block of land, any development that proposes to do the same without a third rumpus room in its floorplan elicits intense existential fury in the bogan. The bogan fears that townhouses and apartments may attract latte sipping intellectuals or ethnic minorities to its neighbourhood, placing the commercial viability of the local Megachurch under threat. Hordes of infuriated NIMBY bogans will descend upon the local municipal offices, declaring that the entire layer of government needs to be sacked immediately. They will drag the proposed development through an extended and costly planning appeals process, offering an array of excuses entirely ineffective at masking their own self-interest. Eighteen months, four lawyers, and six architectural redesigns later, the now utterly compromised development will proceed. The bogan will claim a Castle-esque victory over “greedy developers”, and gear up its negativity to resume complaining about how housing affordability is atrocious, making it unable expand its negatively geared empire at the desired velocity.

#212 – Buying Australian Made

7 02 2011

As has been sufficiently covered hereabouts, the bogan likes things. Particularly compelling to the bogan are things it can buy. Big things, flashy things with mysterious properties, interest-free things, things powered by petrol, and even things that aren’t things. Following a concerted campaign by the Australian Chamber of Commerce and Industry, the bogan believes that it can also buy its kids a job. While the bogan has little interest in retraining itself or carrying out unpleasant tasks like driving taxis full of other drunken bogans, it nonetheless clings ardently to the idea that it always deserves a job, no matter what. As a result, it wants Indians to stop taking its job, and keenly awaits the invention of a driverless taxi.

To the bogan, buying Australian made is the retail equivalent of wearing a flag cape and punching on at the Big Day Out. That is to say, totally max true blue. It’s what the ANZACs would have done, had they not purchased British Lee-Enfield rifles for their victory at Gallipoli instead. In its generous attempts to buy its kids a job, the bogan will even buy as many Australian made houses as its pyramid-scheme-wary bank manager will allow it to, meaning that its kids will indeed have to work numerous jobs to ever be able to buy into the bogan-bloated property market.

With its canny, job-buying real estate investments in place, the bogan knows that it can add value to each property by making improvements to them. Off to Bunnings Warehouse the bogan will march, to buy as many water features, bathroom cabinets, and stainless steel splashbacks as its third credit card will permit. Thanks to Bunnings’ buying power, the bogan can secure more Chinese made products for its buck than ever before. As it turns out, while the bogan is fiercely vocal about buying Australian made, it is ultimately a short-sighted, self-interested cretin more interested in out-glitzing its neighbours.

This process was recently demonstrated by the bogan’s dear plasma provider Gerry Harvey, who dared to suggest that the retention of Australian jobs would require more of the bogan’s taxpayer dollars,  and, helpfully, more dollars to Gerry. The backlash was as intense as it was fleeting. But with the story of Australian manufacturing and retailing currently off the front page of the newspaper, the bogan is happy to leave the situation unresolved, and return to the process of determining whether Ian Thorpe’s gut is currently larger than its own. Any attempt to alert the bogan to its internal inconsistencies will result in glassing with a Russian-made Ikea tumbler that costs only $1.49 each.

Indeed, while the bogan seems quite content to have its personal purchasing decisions expedite the collapse of the Australian automotive, textiles, clothing and footwear, and tyre manufacturing industries, it reserves the right to complain. Whenever a factory closure is announced, it will demand that its Japanese plasma TV harangue Julia Gillard into “doing something”. Its national duty thus served, the bogan will change the channel in time for Two and a Half Men, thus buying Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife’s lawyer a job.

Friday poll – Flood media coverage

14 01 2011

Over the past few weeks, flooding in Queensland has wreaked havoc on life and property. As the waters approached Brisbane, the chorus of the trashmedia cheering the floodwaters toward their predicted peak became deafening. Do tell us, dear reader, which particular aspect of the coverage you found most helpful in keeping you informed of the goings on about the Queensland region during this time.

LAST WEEK’S RESULTS: After an awesome 3,317 votes, the name you, the reader, considered most awfully spelled was….Jessykah! With just over one in four votes, it came in the clear winner ahead of Breeyanah with 20% of the vote and Jorja with 14.4%. Thanks for joining in; this week’s results will be available next week, right here.

#186 – Sporting Memorabilia

25 10 2010

The bogan does not learn its lessons. This is demonstrated by its ongoing capacity to be seduced by home fitness equipment, reality tv, and the idea of seducing hot Asian chicks. It either simply does not remember its past experiences, or it chooses to ignore them in the present. But in a rare instance of the bogan devising a solution to assist it with its shortcomings, it has developed a way to retain proof of things that have happened. This echoes the 1991 Australian movie “Proof”, where Hugo Weaving played a blind man who obsessively photographed the world around him, as proof that things were as they were described to him. In the film, Weaving befriended occasional bogan icon Russell Crowe, who was adept at describing Weaving’s photos to him.

The bogan decided that it too needed a Russell Crowe in its wilfully blind existence, and initially found it in the form of octogenarian former Australian cricket captain and occasional bogan icon Richie Benaud. During the drinks breaks on Channel 9 cricket broadcasts, Benaud assured the bogan that only 500 framed photographs of Adelaide Oval, taken from the Cathedral end, during a test match in 2008, were available. As Benaud whistled lyrical about how remarkable a piece of memorabilia the photo was, the bogan knew it had found its proof. Proof that the test match occurred, and proof that Punter, Haydos, and Clarky all whacked centuries in the first innings against the curries.

To the bogan, it also represented proof that it was able to invest in its future. With only 500 photos available, the bogan was certain that its savvy purchase of the sporting memorabilia adorning the wall of its rumpus room represented the ideal nest egg. “It’ll be worth double that in a couple of years!”, squawked the bogan to its friends during a discussion about the retrospective merits of investing, which is normally shorthand for “residential property investment and pyramid schemes. Indeed, impulsive sporting memorabilia investment is viewed by the bogan as the ultimate blend of shiny possession, and mystical money-generating tool.

Of course, it didn’t stop with the panoramic photo of Adelaide Oval. The bogan is also likely to possess products ranging from a sweatband once used by Mal Meninga, to the tank top Lleyton Hewitt was wearing when he proposed to both Kim Clijsters and Bec Cartwright. Rendered insolvent by its willingness to purchase sporting memorabilia (combined with its freewheeling expenditure on countless other things it does not need), the bogan turned to the internet to save money. The bogan outsmarted the greedy sporting memorabilia shop at Chadstone shopping centre which was selling an authentic signed Muhammad Ali photograph for $1500 by finding one on eBay that looked pretty much the same for only $150 – signed and all! The bogan drummed its fingers together, cackling deliriously at the 2000% profit it was sure to derive by selling the sacred depiction of Muhammad back to a different bogan in a few years time. In the meantime, the bogan has proof. Proof that it is a bogan.