Boganomics Excerpt: Choose Your Own Bogan Adventure

3 10 2011

With the threatened release of our new book, Boganomics, drawing ever closer, it has become time for us to whet your collective appetite with some choice snippets to be drawn from one of the 12 chapters contained therein. Today, let’s open up with a taste from our chapter on the bogan’s love of music and nightlife:

Choose your own bogan nightclub adventure

For this exercise the reader must put themself in the bogan’s shoes.

You step onto the footpath outside ‘ViperSnake’ nightclub. It is 11.30 p.m. on a Saturday evening and you have spent the previous few hours at the local pub, consuming a range of sugary and caffeine-enhanced alcoholic beverages and wailing along with poor timing to all the Whoooa-ohs and the Yeeeeah-eeaahs of the resident cover band. Those remaining acquaintances who have not already become overly intoxicated/embroiled in fights or forced to go home/to the hospital/to the police station join you at the club.

1. Upon arrival at the club’s entrance you are greeted with a long line, at the head of which stands a very enticing velvet rope. You are more important than the average person because your cousin’s ex-boyfriend’s sister knows someone who was once on Big Brother, and this level of celebrity entitles you to jump the queue as you are probably on ‘the list’. If you wish to: slum it with the regular folk for a change, go to part 2; push in, go to part 3.

2. A lengthy spell spent peering around those in front of you in order to catch a glimpse of the velvet rope has left you thirsty and impatient. You head to the bar for refreshments only to find yet another queue, this one without a velvet rope to encourage orderly behaviour. If you are: sick of waiting in lines, go to part 3; willing to wait your turn, go to part 4.

3. You have picked the wrong person to push in on: another, larger bogan. Yelling quickly turns to posturing, and then grill-getting-up-in. Your flight-or-fight response is heavily weighted toward fight at the best of times, let alone after a few drinks. The larger bogan easily accounts for you in an emotionless display of violence. You end up sprawled, semiconscious, on the footpath. Game over. You lose.

4. After repeatedly waving a $50 note under the barperson’s nose eventually proves an effective method of gaining their attention, you order a round of Jägerbombs. You consume yours in a heroic manner, punctuating this with a hearty Whooo-hooo while raising your glass aloft triumphantly. But then, as you look around the venue, an anxious feeling suddenly comes over you. This place seems pretty good, but you begin to question whether or not, maybe, the people are more celeb, the beats sicker and the drinks more explosive at some other club. You fear you are not having the most maxtreme time possible. If you wish to: leave and seek greener pastures, go to part 1; stay, go to part 5.

5. You decide to cut a lap of the place to check things out. It is extremely crowded, requiring you to push your way through the crowd, thereby inconveniencing the entire patronage of the club. You persist, regardless of the fact that you’re not going anywhere in particular. As you conclude your lap a stranger offers you a random blue pill at the low cost of $40. If you wish to: take it, got to part 6; politely decline, go to part 7.

6. You soon lose control of your bodily functions. You end up sprawled, semiconscious, on the footpath. Game over. You lose.

7. Having decided to stick to the liquor, you head back to the bar and conquer another Jägerbomb before going to check out the DJ. The DJ’s booth is sectioned off with velvet rope. You spend a few minutes peering beyond the rope, wondering what it would be like to be on the other side. Then the DJ starts playing a song that you don’t recognise from any Ministry of Sound compilations. That anxious feeling comes over you again. If you want to: leave this club and seek greener pastures, go to part 1; go out for a cigarette, go to part 8.

8. You head out the door you so recently waited in line to enter. You see someone smoking and ask to bum a cigarette … and a light. You have neither, because you only smoke when you’re ‘out’. You scoff at a few sad losers sprawled on the footpath, obviously either unable to handle their liquor or handle themselves in a fight. You are feeling pretty wasted and tired yourself by now. Do you: hop in a cab and call it a night, go to part 9; persist, go to part 10.

9. Conveniently, you see a cab pulling up. As you step to its door, someone else has the same idea. You want this cab, and you go for it. Go to part 3.

10. Persistence is the key to success, you tell yourself. More Jägerbombs sees you thoroughly intoxicated. Go to part 6.

 


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92 responses

3 10 2011
martin

11. You think about dancing, you can’t dance for shit, dancing is for p00fters, but you think you might be able to use it to your advantage by doing it in an “ironic” fashion, the idea is to get the lawyer cum lingerie model to recognise your awesome sense of humour and how “earthy” you are and for her to end up bumping and grinding against you then to proceed back home for some #124. If not go to 12.

12. You don’t dance, the music is so loud conversation is impossible, so you drink, and then drink, and drink some more. It’s getting to the end of the night, the DJ decides to be retro and “ironic”, he plays either “Tainted Love” or “Blister in the Sun”, you get into the general deluded, and desperate consensus that “this is the first time I’ve heard this in years!” and hit the dance floor in one last attempt to pick up whilst acting like you don’t care if you don’t pick up because this song is so awesome, even though the DJ did the same thing last week, and the week before and has been doing it for the 5 years you’ve been coming to this sordid club where so many years of youth are flushed down the toilet.

3 10 2011
Brian McGee

I really want to know the back story of the beguttered femme bogues. Especially since the standing one appears to be laughing.

7 10 2011
Fiona of Mount Lawley

It is originally from Failblog, I think. I’ve seen that picture in Failblog: After 12 (Party Fails) section. The bogans aren’t bogans, they are Californians. And they are all fails. The two on the left because they over-imbibed. The two on the right because they chose to stand near the inebriates (and have their third, un-pictured, accomplice take the photo). They are the worst thing in the picture. even if we can’t see 50 percent or more of their underwear.

I like failblog because of Fail Crane and the bad tattoos. Stay away from Failblog: After Dark. Your soul dies a little every time you look at one of the pictures there.

3 10 2011
Mick

This isn’t boding well for the new book. Only one comment and that was by Martin.

This one has really pointed out to me that I was OSB. I was at all the pubs and clubs where the softcocks wouldn’t go. Didn’t give a stuff what music it was as long as it was the same pub rock I heard every week i went there. The same amount of grog too…bourbon man in those days. Also, if I didn’t pick up some girl for a bit of #124 it was always off with that redhead Tracey.

Jesus Christ, I was world’s best practice arsehole back then. Sometimes I weep at my wasted youth.

Still rate myself better than this new lot but.

4 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

I thought I was wasting my youth. But I fail to see the fun in any of this. Excessive alcohol consumption aside.

4 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I’m with you Mick, I was a pub man, rarely nightclubs and the occasions I did go reinforced why I did not usually go. We all drink to much as young uns but then hangovers kick in in your later 20’s and you realise it’s not as much fun as you used to think and prefer a quiet drink, good meal and into bed so you can achieve something the next day.

Unless you are a bogan and you keep going with it cause you’re maxxtreme, sad and pathetic.

I like the idea for the new book, bring it on.

4 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

I avoid nightclubs like the plague even now, unless I’m off my face and getting dragged by mates who wanna act maxxtreme. they tend to not take me though given my tendency to get kicked out.

4 10 2011
martin

I’ve only been kicked out once for dancing with a speaker. I nearly shat myself because that was when I was really young and skinny. I want to go again though to see if I can stretch the age gap a bit more, I’ve done 10 years, I want to see if I can do 15-16 years.

I’m definitely more of a pub man, but pubs have no chicks in them. Usually just seedy old bastards and cashed up bogan tradies.

Back in my day you could still go and see a band that knew how to play music. But even then the shift towards techno wigger shit was too strong and nobody wanted to go.

4 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

A mate once said that I’m nearly as much of a danger to everyone else as I am to myself when I’m drunk. If I don’t get kicked out for attempting to glass some carnt or root some carnt’s girlfriend, i’m getting kicked out for getting naked.

4 10 2011
martin

Maybe you should just stick to beer? I get nutty off scotch, not so much off bourbon. Goee and beer makes for a good night imo. Although i never had this ice shit. Sounds a bit dangerous.

4 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Nope, happens no matter what I drink.

I would give it up but I’m an alcoholic. So I mostly stick to drinking alone and being designated driver on nights out.

4 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Should you be getting naked when you are taking a dinner knife to a sword fight Ash?

4 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Oi, carnt. I’ll farkin’ glass ya for that, you hear?

(Dude, I’m half Fijian. I take a Samurai sword to a knife fight).

4 10 2011
moar caek

give it up.
you can’t fall off a cliff if you aren’t standing on the edge of one.

4 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

That photo, is that girl your last date Ash?

4 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

Quite possibly. If she didn’t end up like that before she was definitely in that state by the time we got to her place.

4 10 2011
moar caek

%[praise]%Outstanding Piece.&&%[comments]%21st century[spacer]the pinnacle of civilisation/evolution[spacer]The Gutter Girls deserve a Billboard in every CBD branded “lolC0W“[spacer]I bet the one on her back is already negotiating with Nine via MaxXx MarxXxon&&&%[perspective]% I am so00 graetful to be battling middle aged spread just now.%[ends]%
%[praise]%

4 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Tonight on ACA – Monster Trucks of Death.

Guttergirl needs to watch out or she will get flattened like a box of Krispy Kremes in the overhead locker on a Jetstar flight.

5 10 2011
Pandabater

Geez you people are slow, 2 days & not one bike rack joke.

Slot your bike in the rack & later ride the bike home.

That sort of thing, only better.

5 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

That, Panda, is because our humor is sooo much more sophisticated than that!

5 10 2011
Pandabater

Like this?

The girl of my dreams
I found her one starry night
She smelled like sump oil

5 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Yeh, thats the idea

Where to park my bike
Oh look Gutter Girl starfish
Mum is not impressed

5 10 2011
urbanreverie

*coffee geyser*

I can’t hope to match that, Simon, but I’ll try anyway …

Spread out on footpath
Tandoori skin, dressed like tart
Who’d wanna root that?

5 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Noice Urban,

Martin roams the street
Ahead Gutter Girl displays
The bad touch beckons

5 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

Gutter girl lies
Spread on the kerb
Turn over for #124.

5 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I really was not expecting that from you Ash!

Ash and Gutter Girl
Trip to meet the parents now
Mum says what the fark

5 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

Farkin hell – so now it’s not enough to mock me for where I come from, now going after my taste in women is fair game as well? I might have to start delivering a few glassings. (But yeah. Based on experience).

She ain’t no farkin whore
Wouldn’t give him #124
So he farkin glassed her
Left her in the gutter
Tomorrow she’ll be farkin sore.

5 10 2011
martin

+1. If you can’t get the prom queen girls like that are what make the late teens and early 20s worth while. Been there a few times myself and it was rad, god bless them. There’s nothing wrong with flashing a bit of vag.

5 10 2011
martin

You’re off your tits,
you’re up for bits,
time for skank.

I’m not very good and sepoku or whatever the f#k it’s called but that will have to do.

5 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Martin, Haiku

5 Syllables
7 Syllables
5 Syllables

Get with the program

5 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Yep, Martin gets it. Semi-hot, drunken, crazy skanks are what make my life worth living. Otherwise I’d be perpetually angry and shit and glass every carnt I see.

She was me last date
But shit didn’t go so good
Now I got her friend/

6 10 2011
moar caek

a girl with tandoori complexion
has given our Ash an erection
he knows she’s a moll
with a well trafficked hole,
but her posture leaves no other selection

5 10 2011
Edward

So where does one find good pubs in Melbourne without the aforementioned bogans and their associated behaviour? I’m moving there in a few months.

5 10 2011
urbanreverie

Hey guys, I’ve figured it out while walking home from uni. I’ve finally figured out the back story to the Gutter Girl photo!

It goes something like this: three boguettes, who are acquaintances at work (hmm …a beauty salon? No, perhaps HR “consultants” at a temporary employment agency?) hit the town on a Friday night after work. They go to what is laughably called an “entertainment precinct” (read: a part of the inner city full of trashy nightclubs and dodgy kebab joints) with the intention of getting totally hammered and perhaps hooking up with The Man Of Their Dreams.

They’re in the club, sipping on their garishly-coloured Bacardi Breezers and C#$%sucking Cowboys, giggling and acting like galahs, when The Man Of Their Dreams waltzes in. Perhaps they recognise him as one of the underwear models in Big W catalogues … no no no, can’t be, he’s not buff enough. Let me think … hang on, he’s actually a stand-in weather presenter on a breakfast programme on one of the commercial television networks.

Anyway, the three boguettes go all tingly just looking at The Man Of Their Dreams, not just because he’s such a stud, but because he’s also a CELEBRITY~! Because, like, we ALL know that being on the telly makes you a far superior potential partner than people who aren’t famous.

Anyway, one bloke, three sheilas. This may well be a fantasy for most blokes; it’s anything but for sheilas. Three holes, one peg. That does not compute.

So, the three girls surround their mark, and start fighting over him. At first it’s just some competitive flirting and evil eyes and a few playful nudges with their elbows. But it starts getting more serious. The security comes over, asks them to leave. One of them drags The Man Of Their Dreams away with them, even though he’s out with his mates and didn’t really have the intention of picking up that night.

Out on the street, the glare from the low-pressure sodium street lights, the noise of the passing buses and cars and the surging crowds leave the three boguettes even more dazed and disoriented. Combined with about five alcopops each (none of them have ever really been known to handle their grog despite years of practice), they start getting stuck into one another, while The Man Of Their Dreams looks on, scratching his head and muttering to himself “What the f#$%?”

At first, it’s just some hair-pulling and bitch-slapping. But then come the claws and the punches. And Boguette #1 punches Boguette #2 square in the face, sending her flying to the ground upon which she falls flat on her back and rendering her unconscious.

Boguette #1 is immediately stricken with remorse. She then gets onto Facebook on her mobile phone, and updates her status to “omfg i just knocked sharelle out omfg what do i do what do i do???? help me out plzzzz!!!!!!” She starts getting flustered, and crying, then has a panic attack and has to sit down in her gutter, head in her palm, rocking back and forth gently while sobbing.

This leaves Boguette #3 very happy. Not only is she uninjured, but she now has The Man Of Her Dreams all to herself. She hugs him, holding her throbbing body tightly against her latest catch, not only because she wants him something bad but because she’s a bit unsteady after five Breezers and needs a bit of physical support. This arrangement also suits The Man Of Her Dreams because, hey, though he’s still getting over the break-up with his ex who works in the editing suite, what better way to get over it than a rebound?

5 10 2011
Mick

Out for 124
Femmebogues fighting one two three
A f#cking disgrace

5 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Urbz, I was with ya until you said that Man Of Their Dreams wasn’t looking to pick up. No guy goes out, and especially not to one of those joints, without the intention of picking up. Even if its some boguette skank for a quick bit of #124.

10 10 2011
Rudolf_Belka

when you mentioned ex who works in the editing suite- i’m reminded of actual film editing suites. And I’ve always imagined editing suites to be havens of sexual intercourse.

6 10 2011
moar caek

apropos of original content
http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/movies/blogs/get-flickd/the-history-of-cinema-in-five-films-20111004-1l6ys.html

Story of the Kelly Gang (1906)
Easy Rider (1969)
Bladerunner (1982)
Natural Born Killers (1994)
Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (2008)

warning. if you haven’t seen Dear Zachary: BEWARE! it may kill you.

6 10 2011
martin

Bladerunner is such a nogan wannabe hipster movie. I’ve tried to watch it about 4 times and always switch it off after about half an hour because it is so f#cking boring. Oooo Deckard could be a replicant too, replicants have feelings, wow, how profound.

6 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

True dat Martin.

This has all gone a bit Penthouse forum above. I have resolved to do better. Only 1 #124 joke per entry.

6 10 2011
martin

Yeah it’s a bit sordid this thread. I think TBL should make another one soon please.

6 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

Fine. I promise no more #124 jokes or references for the rest of the thread.

*unless baited into doing so*

9 10 2011
moar caek

hey f#ck you Martin!
Bladerunner was a breakout piece of sci-fi.
look at the urban decay.
see the future of humanity
watch the directors cut
marvel that this still hasn’t dated
how profound indeed.
ok those flying police cars are a bit hokey,
but a beautifully realised essay on the validity of consciousness itself. I wanted to kill myself the first time I saw it and I was like, 12! I think.

anyway.
I watched The Human Centipede yesterday.
that was good too.

6 10 2011
martin

So the nogan/wannabe hipster god Steve Jobs is dead. I wonder if it affect the nogan/wannabe hipsters desire to have it’s identity largely fulfilled by buying overpriced pretty looking gadgets.

RIP to the man and all that, too young to die, especially when you’re a billionaire, but there is a good side to it if it puts a large dent in Apple wankers’ wankerness. Nerds thinking that they’re cool is just bad taste and it doesn’t work.

6 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

I like Apple stuff but that’s because it’s easy to use and I’m shit with computers and stuff. Plus I appreciate good design and I play a lot with GarageBand.

6 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Dare I ask, who is Steve Jobs. I’m not down with technology coz I’m not a nogan.

6 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

The guy who invented the iNternet.

6 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I thought it was NASA?

6 10 2011
2 Sparse 2 Spurious

It was the sandwich press, y’bloody morons…

Now let’s have a twenny-one toastie salute for the great man.

Leave it to that philistine Colonel Sanders to bastardise Jobs’ idea and come up with the Double Down.

6 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Here’s a song for ya Sparse!

6 10 2011
2 Sparse 2 Spurious

10-minute version of Teenage Riot? Nice. But bugger it for the moment. I’m out. Time to get me Thurst on. If only I had one of Steve Jobs’ patented iSandwichPresses I could watch it at the pub on that…

Everybody’s talkin’ ’bout the stormy weather
But now it’s all sunny an’ it’s time for a beer or two…

6 10 2011
Mick

Who was first? Pixies or Sonic Youth?

6 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

The Youth.

9 10 2011
moar caek

arguable…
anyway,

Iggy Pop was first.

10 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Sonic Youth – Formed 1981
Pixies – Formed 1986

Please present argument.

6 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

So today is my day off and of course that means a good long bike ride. It was pretty damp in the hills so we headed south instead with the intention of cutting across to the coast for a cuppa and then home. Anyway pulling up at a set of lights in the welfare heartland I’m taking a drink and wander about 2 inches out of the cycle lane. The young bogan behind me in his 20yo Festiva, see red and drives up along side me and calls me a c%ckhead. I cooly tell him to f@ck himself and then ignore his further tirade. He then screeches to a halt, gives me the enraged, if you weren’t a p00f in lycra I’d glass ya ya carnt look and roars off. What a w*nker. Moral to the story, avoid Adelaide’s dirty south if you are on a bike unless you want a good laugh.

6 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

And possibly a glassin’ or three.

6 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Possibly, but you could tell this one was all p&ss and wind.

9 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Let me guess – late teens/early 20s, skinny, rats tailed, only two facial expressions (scowl or smirk) and his car had some sort of doof-doof music blasting out along with lame and cliched bumper stickers?

10 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

You forgot the can of energy drink clutched in paw, but otherwise, yep!

6 10 2011
blair47

We argued on the channel train to Paris
The vin rouge helped us make it sweet again
But by the time that we got down to Lyon
Everything I said was wrong and you cursed me in the rain
We split up for a while in Barcelona
We met up six days later in Madrid
I was hoping that the break would make things go a little better for us
And for a little while it almost did
Now I’m in a bar in Copenhagen
And i’m trying hard to forget your name
And I’m staring at the label on a bottle of cerveza
And every fucking city feels the same

You said to call you when I got to London
A French girl told me that you’d left a note
I said to her “I like your accent” and she thought I sounded funny
So we ended up drinking in Soho
Foolishly I followed you to Dublin
Like a ghost I walked the streets of Temple Bar
And all the bright young things were throwing up their Guinness in the gutters
And once I thought I saw you from afar
Now I’m in a nightclub in Helsinki
And they’re playing La Vida Loca once again
And I can’t believe I’m dancing to this crap but I’m a chance here
And every fucking city sounds the same

At a cafe in the port of Amsterdam
An E-mail from you said you’d gone to Rome
For a minute I thought maybe but my funds were running low
And anyway it sounded like you weren’t alone
So I headed north until I got to Hamburg
A chilly city suits a troubled soul
And on the Reeperbahn I paid a woman far too much
To kick me out before I’d even reached my goal
Now I’m in a restaurant in Stockholm
And the waiter here wants me to know his name
And I can order sandwiches in seven different languages
But every fucking city looks the same
Arriverderci, au revoir, aufwiedersen, hasta la vista baby
Yeah, every fucking city’s just the same

9 10 2011
moar caek

Paul Kelly.
gold.
tripleJ tried to canonise him by having their roster of talent trot out and do a ‘tribute” concert (or series thereof – CD/DVD available at ABC shops and good record stores – why not pick up Season One of “Crownies” while you’re there), and, no!… wait… is that Paul Kelley himself coming onstage to sing the final number???
with his (indie darling) nephew Dan???!!!
AAAWWWW!!! wot a legend.
This month it’s Nick Cave. Same Roster. Meagan Washington something something.
it could be Tim Rogers next month, except he’s actually on the tour roster, trying desperately to cover his booze bill from the nineties apparently. Sorry about that Tim. You should have gone for the smack like everyone else. You could have been through the Buttery, had a comeback tour and been raking it in at the channel nine Christmas Spectacular with johnny farnham, jessica mauboy, thirsty merc and The Living End (just wait).

triple j
channel 9
same shit different bucket.
(Bring ya Money!!!)

this 2005 Alkoomi Shiraz is a bit cantankerous.
fukken sandgropers.

9 10 2011
Mick

2008 Brown Hill Estate Shiraz here. Go the sandgropers.

I have a dozen of them. I may not leave the house this week.

10 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Oooo, party at Micks house.

I have a carton of 08 in the hole under the house marked do not touch till 2015. God that’s a long way away.

7 10 2011
blair47

I actually think that girl lying on her back looks hot. Is that wrong of me? Check out her legs they’re slim and tanned. She’s just primed for the ol “while you’re there” line.

7 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts According To Market Fluctuations.

Shhh, the libtards will come after you with pitchforks and torches. She can’t be hot unless she’s wearing her grandma’s cardigan and an ironic haircut.

7 10 2011
2 Sparse 2 Spurious

Nothing wrong with a bit of a cool breeze caressing the vadge on a balmy, dejected evening. Even cocksucking cowgirls get the blues.

7 10 2011
Mick

Okay, so there I was doing the friday bogan ritual…going to the bottlo to stock up on grog. Found my slab of Boags, grabbed a bottle of shiraz and headed for the door. Then I spotted it. Stopped me dead. There it was, maxXxtreme in its maxXxtremeness.

AC/DC wine.

Yes people, Back In Black shiraz. You Shook Me all Night Long Moscato. And many more.

Civilisation has reached its apex.

7 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Dear sweet mother of Xenu. What have we done.

8 10 2011
Mick

Ash, the bogans have won. It’s all over.

May your choice of Dog have mercy on your soul.

8 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

That said, I would drink it. Then again, I don’t drink wine anyway. Wine is for hipsters and p00fs.

7 10 2011
Pandabater

Chunder! ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
Chunder! etc

7 10 2011
urbanreverie

And in this week’s episode of …

THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!

We explore the world of modern industrial relations – and a crucial difference between the Old School Bogan and the “aspirational” New Age Bogan!

http://bogueandboguetteshow.wordpress.com/2011/10/07/episode-38-trouble-at-mill/

8 10 2011
Mick

Bravo! Nail, head, hit.

Somewhere else on this time-waster I wrote about this subject. The NaB hates unions. This new strain see themselves as entrepreneurs. Even if they’re like Bogue, swinging a stop/go sign, they’re professionals. They’re making a career. Bloody fascist unions will only hold them back. No, have to do it for themselves. They be in control of their destiny. Pigs arse.

This is where the Evil Dwarf, John Howard won their hearts. He called them aspirational. They loved that. Made the little battler feel good about itself. With ED in charge they were gonna move away from fibro land and buy a slice of paradise at Delfin Ponds. Yeah, it might take an extra hour to get to work but it’s bigger…like the famous Spinal Tap amp that goes to 11. So what, they were richer. ED told them so. No idea why I started a rant on Mr Howard. You may have gathered I don’t like him. He told me lies.

Anyhow, Unions. The bogan hates unions because it is selfish. The bogan wants it all for itself. Plus it thinks it is better than the bogan working next to it. “Why does that carnt earn more then me? F#ckin’ bludgin’ dog!” The bogan has so idea how to live in a civilised society, let alone work in a collective.

But wait until the bogan f#cks up for the third time in a week. It comes running to the union rep waving its pink slip and crying that it had been hard done by…

*Disclaimer. Mick was a union rep and really doesn’t like bogans much. His opinion may be laced with malice*

8 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Comedy as usual. I’m no expert on unions but I can see Mick’s reasons as to why bogans hate them. Also that they’re incredibly short-sighted and only see the four extra dollars on their paycheck.

Urbz, I have another question based on something I’m doing (not B&B specifically but a related project). What music is Bogue into? I imagine Boguette is all about radio pop, but I suspect Bogue might find a lot of it teh ghey.

8 10 2011
p'bee

i think bogue would love foo fighters. and kings of leon.

8 10 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Cool Urban.

Music wise may I suggest a bit of Nickleback, The Killers, That dude what was on idol and I just suspect Bogue has a soft spot for Robbie Williams.

9 10 2011
urbanreverie

Never thought much about the music they listen to, Ash! I have, however, thought of the radio stations they tune into. Boguette is definitely a 2Day FM girl which she listens to while driving appallingly along the M4 and chewing gum while straightening her hair in the rear vision mirror, thinking that Kyle Sandilands is the paragon of wit and sophistimacation.

Bogue, however, is more a Triple M kind of man. Though he is also partial to some of the one-hit wonders from the 1990s which Triple J loved way back then, things like “Tub Thumping” by Chumbawumba and “Coppertone” by Fini Scad. But mostly he likes the inoffensive mainstream rock of Triple M. I’m thinking of stuff like Snow Patrol, Guns ‘N Roses (he did hum “November Rain” in Shevonne’s front yard after all), and of course, Nickelback.

9 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Thanks dude. I had him marked as a Nickelback/Kings of Leon fan.

p’bee, I might have to glass you for castin’ nasturtiums on the Foo Fighters. They’re farkin’ awesome.

10 10 2011
p'bee

*cough* bogan *cough*

and interestingly the only nickelback fan i’ve known was female. not sure whether that’s normal or unusual.

8 10 2011
martin

Sometimes unions piss me off. Like the wharfies, them carnts got like $100k a year for droppin outta school and doin fark all. I’m glad Howard f#cked em over. However if I was to work in some 40 degree a day shithole in the moines I’d definitely want bare minimum $100k and then some, so I would think the unions would be my friend in that case.

I do find it breaktakingly astounding that the bogan is in a lather over the carbon tax and is wanting to vote in literally our biggest psycho politician, most of them won’t even pay it, most of them do a lot of tax dodging anyway workin for themselves as tradies and shit. Some sort of Oliver Twist Dickension society gives Abbott the biggest hard on ever. Rudd likes Big Australia which no doubt means millions and millions and millions of gooks, most of which love nothing more than working 12 hours a day and living half was well as your average Australian.

Oh well, we’ll end up with Abbott, you don’t need anymore reason to loathe and abhore the bogan than that.

8 10 2011
Mick

Carbon tax is hated because there are ads telling the bogan that this tax was to be hated. Same as the mining tax. TV is the voice in the bogan’s head. Everything it knows comes from TV. That and Uncle Rupert’s papers.

Abbott is loved because he has dumbed the debate down to the bogan level. He speaks in three-word catchphrases that the bogan can repeat. They don’t have to know anything but think they sound knowledgeable because of those repeated soundbites.

Whoever gives the bogan the most phrases to recite wins the election. God, how sad is that?

8 10 2011
martin

Very. It’s never been more apparant than this time. I just hope there’ll be something good in it for non bogans. Like not having to put up with so many CUBs.

9 10 2011
Davo-The only tradie without a $70k ute, tatts or a miss's!

If you walked on to a building site 6 years ago when Abbott was employment minister and said “he was running for PM and most of you guys will vote for him”, you would’ve gotten glassed.

9 10 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Haha, good one Martin.

9 10 2011
Blueballs

Bogan Brat Busted in Bali Brandishing Banned Baggy….

10 10 2011
urbanreverie

*standing ovation*

14 10 2011
Chris

Okay. How come the Herald Suns of the world call for zero tolerance for “junkies” who get busted with drugs in Australia but then scream for something to be done when “Äussies” get busted with drugs and face harsh sentences overseas?

14 10 2011
Charles

Is Indonesia trying to de-boganify our society one-at-a-time?

14 10 2011
James Hunter

Chris,
I am confused. Do you actually expect , ever, to get anything that makes sense from The Herald Scum ?

15 10 2011
Chris

Only the football scores, James.

16 10 2011
Jeremy

This sounds uncannily like Billboards in Melbourne.

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