When it’s not travelling on budget airlines to the exotic countries of Phuket and Bali, the well travelled bogan enjoys sailing the high seas on one of P&Os floating pleasure palaces. The cruise ship represents the epitome of bogan travel, permitting it to chalk up to six stamps on its passport in 8 days, visiting foreign countries like Noumea, Port Vila and Suva, without travelling more than 500 metres from a major port and while enjoying all the comforts of home.
Like big things and shopping centres, the bogan is attracted to cruise ships due to their sheer size. A typical ship weighs in at over 70,000 tonnes, has hundred of rooms, multiple levels and comes equipped with everything a bogan requires: restaurants, nightclubs, casinos, gyms, IMAX theatres and comprehensive in-cabin entertainment; allowing the bogan to eat steak and chips every night, drink stupid quantities of overpriced liquor, gamble, get huge, watch Avatar in 3D and enjoys reruns of Underbelly from its cabin.
Every day, the cruise ship stops at a different, non-descript South Pacific port, where the bogan briefly disembarks from its Neptunian chateau to be greeted by some P&O employed, Polynesian-themed dancers. This will prove the closest the bogan will come to a cultural interchange all day, as it spends the next five hours getting bronzed, snorkelling and trying to haggle with more P&O employees at the gift shop for a Pacific themed woodcarving. After a quick coconut cracking demonstration and sarong tying class, the bogan reboards the Pacific Princess, feeling for all the world like Captain Cook.
That night, the bogan struggles to peel a prawn from its towering buffet plate, regaling its peers with stories of its near brush with death at the tentacles of a giant killer squid and joking how it saw Lote Tuqiri three times that day. After dinner, it drinks wholesale quantities of Corona and hits the nightclubs, hoping to lure a female bogan back to its cabin where it can feed her this year’s designer drug and breach her hull.