Friday Boganomics – A Ford Ability Crisis

17 06 2011

Henry Ford was born on the outskirts of Rockhampton in 1922. In 1925, he established Ford Australia, and subsequently travelled back in time to found the Ford Motor Company in the USA sometime prior. The upshot of all this, is that the bogan knows there is no car company more Australian than Ford, because Holden is owned by General Motors, and Ford is not.

Henry Ford was in his 90s by the time he downed tools and unveiled the Ford Falcon in 1960. The car induced rapturous tremors in the ancestral bogan population, with ancient bogans unanimously declaring that Australia was better at cars than anyone, anywhere, ever.

The introduction of the profoundly un-Australian Nissan Skyline R32 to the Bathurst 1000 race in 1990 was unremarkable, with the car suffering mechanical problems and losing to an SS Commodore. In the same way that the shell middens of indigenous Australians have gained significance despite being little more than a mound of food debris, Mount Panorama is believed to be comprised primarily of empty beer cans and pie wrappers, fused together by decades of bogan urine and saliva. Anyway, the Nissan Skyline dominated Bathurst in 1991 and 1992, which the bogan refused to accept, because Australian cars are the best in the world.

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119 responses

17 06 2011
Pandabater

IMO the Falcon is in trouble beacause the market dosen’t want a 2 tonne beheamoth that won’t fit in its garage.

17 06 2011
Dr Ivo Robotnik

Then why does Holden sell so many Commodores? Especially in V8 form?

With that being said, most Falcons here in Canberra are unmarked police cars. The rest are marked police cars, or ex-police cars.

17 06 2011
Edward

I have begun to see the new ‘green’ Commodores, the ones which are about the same size as a mid-90’s coupe. (Such as a Hyundai Excel, or Nissan Pulsar). Less weight, less power, less emissions. The first standard Commodores were V-4s, a sort of scale-up (a move upmarket) of the Gemini. The design was completed only a short time after the 70’s oil-shock, and memories of that would have been fresh. The larger power-plant models were more expensive. If the new Commodores aren’t V-4s now, I predict they will be, soon.

24 06 2011
devil's advocate

v-4’s? WHat the crap? I think you mean straight 4, surely?

24 06 2011
Mick

Starfire motor.

Holden had the chance to squeeze the 2.6 Mitsubishi motor in but the bean counters said no. That would have been a very good car.

Is bean counter one or two words?

24 06 2011
James Hunter

That was a truly dreadfull motor,the Starfire that is. Misfire would have been a better name. Holdens did some dodgey shit in their time. Like making “New” motors with full size,first undersize and second undersize main bearings all on the one crank ! Made em a joy to rebuild.

27 06 2011
devil's advocate

um, actually sizing the main bearings on the crank to get even clearances with the mains is a good thing.

THe other option (what is done nowadays) is to machine the crank for even clearances and the main tunnel so standard bearings can be used, but this may have been prohibitively expensive back then.

So long as they stamp the sizes on the crank it’s not so much of a problem (they do this on motors such as the nissan RB26 GTR motor, and the 300zx twint turbo vg30).

It’s better than the alternative (see vp commodore).

24 06 2011
James Hunter

I think that he probably did.
Only V4’s that come to mind were those dreadfull ford things they used in early Transits and some Capries.
As most makes like to fit various engines to same floorplans the straight 4 is very close to the length of a V8 and the V6 is a little shorter so a V4 would have nothing to offer as a straight 4 is easier to build and balance so cheaper.. The V 4 and V6 are a little longer then a straight 2 or a straight 3 because the opposite banks are ofset by half a bore space.

21 06 2011
Pandabater

Fleet & Hire. The most popular car people buy with their own money is the Mazda 3.

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Beware the male Falcon driver in his 50’s (just prior to the mandatory purchase of a Camry when he enters his 60’s).

He will drive 15km/hr under the limit and refuse to use his indicators.

17 06 2011
martin

I saw a fully sick young wogan the other day in a lowered m3 that either his parents bought for him because they were heavily into #85 or he was a drug dealer.

Yeah I hate that. Not indicating is massively bogan.

17 06 2011
Mick

Perhaps the good people of Ford should approach the Minerals Council. They know how to run an ad campaign.

I can already see it. Popped-collar man pulls up at the lights, casually ruffling his $130 faux-hawk, feeling the vibration of his rumbling manhood through the seat. A dirty immigrant pulls up next to him in his Golf GTI, pulling a smoke out of his turban while leering at a hot white chick on the footpath. The drivers lock eyes and the race is on…

In a 15 second car chase that eclipses Bullitt, the Aussie legend leaves the Euro pretender for dead…as all dirty immigrants should be. The hot white chick strips down to her bikini and hops in with popped-collar man.

Ford Falcon. Doing It For A White Australia.

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

You need a job in the Ad industry Mick. If this ad does not sell cars it would certainly sell deodorant.

17 06 2011
Mick

Well, Allan Moffet did drive a falcon sponsered by Brut 33.

It all fits.

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Chevadores have the boy racer section tied up, Ford need to concentrate on the Camry section of the market. Sell all those pensioners what they want. Problem is they only change cars every 15 years.

17 06 2011
Mick

It is a very confusing place for the marketing people to be.

Do they push for the testosterone or viagra markets? I was thinking before that in my family there are no fords. All the oldies drive camrys and the younguns are all euro…except for one bogan lad with a chevodore.

Ford are always banging on about a racing heritage(I’ve touched a GT40! Do bogans know what that is?), but that just annoys the young non-bogue and frightens the punters at the bowls club. Ford are between a rock and a hard place. Like Dick Johnson.

17 06 2011
lolplates

GT40, isn’t that a Lola 😛
Jokes aside, Falcons and Commodores are not ‘bad’ cars, just that there are better ones out there, albeit usually more expensive though.

I have never understood how such large companies have been able to lose so much money for so long.

17 06 2011
Mick

Well yes, but the facts will never get in the way. Truth be damned, I want emotion.

“Lights. Camera. Action.”

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Ya can shove ya prootenshous Euro Lola crap up ya hearth. Rool fords mate, rool world.

17 06 2011
Mick

Could someone remove this lout from my set?

I’m making a masterpiece here!

17 06 2011
Cookie Monster

Can I help? I’m used to showbiz and work for COOKIES!

17 06 2011
Liam Gallaghers Monobrow

Fook off ya muppet, Mick wants a rool star like me ya coont.

17 06 2011
Bing Lai

No, me do suckee, suckee, love him long time.

17 06 2011
Mick

Why, thank you. That’s ver…Oi! Do you think I’m stupid?

“SECURITY!”

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

What kind of show are you running here Mick?

17 06 2011
Mick

I have a vision, Simon. A tale of love and loss.

Boy meets car. Boy loses car. James Hunter cooks snags. Boy throws up over leather upholstery.

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

The Fast and The Furious 33 – Not without my Nipples

17 06 2011
Mick

I see FoMoCo as being more like Titanic.

Cookie can do the Leonardo role opposite Bing as the Winslet girl.

Liam’s monobrow can be the iceberg.

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

That will work, Bing is not adverse to getting her tuts out.

17 06 2011
Mick

At the moment I feel like Dom Deluise.

I must source myself a beret and a megaphone.

17 06 2011
Pandabater

And silk pajamas & a smoking jacket

21 06 2011
moar caek

I’m reading up and necroposting from the bottom of the page, but that’s not important right now. The GT40 is the 1975 Ducati 900ss of tin tops surely. what a beautiful machine. the prettiest car ever.
followed closely by the Ferrari Daytona and the Holden Coupe 60.
YES THAT’S RIGHT.
(Honourable mentions to the Citroen DX, Mark II Jag (how cool would that be?) and Ford XC hardtop.)
you’re always class Mick.

18 06 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts Every Tuesday On 2GB

I will point one thing out here – the trend of re-badging Holdens as Chevs only took off with the VZ (which came out in 2004), ironically the first Commodore model in years to have an Australian-built V6 engine. It’s pretty rare to see older Commodores with the Chevy badge.

18 06 2011
Ash - Glassin' 2 Carnts For Every VB Drunk

And it started because the Holden badges on those models (and all since then) were massive and looked seriously naff.

Of course, it then became a bogan trend.

19 06 2011
Ash- the youngest one's called Mersyndol?

Up here in K-town, the wide gold cross adorns absolutely every GMH model from VB Commode thru Crooz to Craptiva.
Local studies reveal that for each of the 67,897 Holdens registered in the local ‘hood, there are on average; 2 Chevrolet badges, 2.3 Justify Your Existence stickers, 34.45 playgirl branded impulse items from Soopacheep, 23.65 Southern Cross tattoos, 7.453 permanent teeth and 4.56 demon spawn.

19 06 2011
Edward

Hi Ash, Mersindol is in fact a prescription medication, isn’t it ?
An anti-inflammatory or muscle relaxant of some kind ?

20 06 2011
James Hunter

Hi Edward,
Mersyndol is codien, paracetamol plus an antihistamine that has calmative properties.. About as good a pain killer as you can get with out a prescription. Also available under various Generic “chemists own” lables.
Does not mix all that well with alcohol though. You know, the sort of thing trolls have for a nightcap. Two Mersyndol and a large shot of metho. !!
Way to GOOOOooooooo o o o o o o o

20 06 2011
Peter Thornton

Oh, James Hunter, you’re not Dr Feelgood and hardly Dr Lookgood! Your method of summing others up at a glance then attempting to convince them that whatever is happening in their lives, you are an authority reminds me of Bob Hawke offering a publican a critical analysis on the quality of his beer. Less and fewer of your experiences in chemical miscalculation, please.

23 06 2011
AshR- the second youngest's called Melaena

It most certainly is Edward. It is an excerpt from a conversation I overhead at the self serve checkouts at my local duopoly. The other two spawns names where (I shit you not) Siddeny (spelling elicited by horrified partaker in conversation) and Melaena (which is a medical term for tarry black bloody stool).

17 06 2011
chris - embedded correspondent in the dirty south

MIck, as a young ‘un I watched Moffat pilot an RX7 around Bathurst until it dropped its guts half way thru the race. Fortunately, by then most of the HDT OSBs on the hill were busy reenacting scenes from Lord of the Flies to give a fat rats crack.

24 06 2011
devil's advocate

God why are people hating on the falcon. It’s an independent rear suspension, rear wheel drive sedan that comes in a choice of inline six, turbo inline six, v8 and now supercharged v8 motors. And the motors are now twin cams per bank of cylinders with 4 valves per cylinder, and they are moving to alloy blocks.

I drive an r32 gtr and even I acknowledge the falcon is a pretty good product.

17 06 2011
martin

Is that true is it? That they banned non “Australian” cars from racing?

I wondered why that was. I remember when I was a kid seeing beemers and jaguars and other cars racing. It was half way worth watching and not the vulgar bogan fest it is now.

17 06 2011
p'bee

it’d also be too confusing to have more cars racing – how can you expect a bogan to choose who to go for if there’s more than 2 options?

17 06 2011
Pandabater

The world changed to 2 ltr cars but we said
F^CK OFF WITH YA JAP CRAP GIVVUS V8″S
URRGRNNTUNNTT!!!!!

Shame though, I loved those Skylines.

17 06 2011
Mick

The European two litre racing is awesome. It’s a great pity it never took off here.

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I drive a Euro 2lt turbo. Don’t know how I’ve not been glassed for being a Uurrrgggkhurrnt yet.

17 06 2011
Mick

I was going to buy one but I only do about five thousand kays a year.

I’ll keep the ute and try and fit in.

17 06 2011
Pandabater

If it is a Sierra RS500 you could be in the middle of,
The Great Late 80’s/Early 90’s Bogan Paradox.
How do you hate a car that is your brand & wins all the time?

17 06 2011
Mick

I think the bogan treated it like banging your sister…not quite right but still a spot on the podium.

Speaking of sister-banging, where is UR and his bogans?

23 06 2011
AshR- the second youngest's called Melaena

I too drive a 2.0l European diesel. Everytime a bogan gets comprehensively wiped at the lights during tradies hour, I get “get a rool car ya fucken p00fta caant”, “fucken jap piece of shit” or my favorite “what’s under the bonnet?” to which I always reply “1.2 litre 3 cylinder diesel” and receive the ubiquitous “ya fucken smartarse caant”….

17 06 2011
RobertL

We also said, “Only milk and juice comes in 2 litre containers”.

ps. Who doesn’t want to see taxicabs racing?

17 06 2011
Pandabater

I want to see taxicab racing, but only if it
is real taxis being driven by real taxi drivers.

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

This would be great Panda as long as you get the right taxi drivers.
If you use Adelaide drivers first they need to remember to show up, then not get lost and if they do make it to the track it will be a bloody slow race.

On the other hand if you import taxi drivers from Rome they will kick Lowndsies f*cking arse. One of the most adrenalin fueled 45 mins of my life was a taxi ride to the Rome airport. Doing 170-180 down the highway in a minibus. Woohoo.

29 10 2011
trevor

ive seen a few 2 litres with “youve just been juiced” on the back window 🙂

19 06 2011
Edward

I did some checking. In 1992, the australian Touring Car Championship allied itself to the World Touring Championship, a short lived attempt to unify various national bodies under a single umbrella organization. I think the idea was to allow meaningful comparison between different competitions. (You know, if anyone was wondering whether the British Touring Car Championship measured up in standard to the Australian Super Car competition).

The rulebook in use was the “Group A” classification. Australian officials used a fairly stern interpretation of the scrutineering rules. This result in the invalidation of the line honours in one of the early nineties Bathurst. Two british drivers in Ford Sierras were stripped of their places, despite having come in first and second. In the former instance, the body work around the wheels weren’t regarded as meeting the regulations. The points and purse were awarded to an Australian driver, who came in third.

After the World Touring Championship failed, decisions were made regarding the control-category which would be used afterwards. The result made the Sierras, RX-7s, Skylines and Porsches no longer permissible. As late as 1998, a couple of makes besides the Ford Falcon and Holden Commodore/HSV based vehicles continued to race, including 320i BMWs and S40 Volvos. After 1998, it became a two horse race.

There is a fascinating Wikipedia page, which lists all the types of car which have been entered in the Bathurst 1000 race. From this I learnt that the car in the picture above (third in the order from front to back) is either a Studebaker Lark or an Isuzu Bellette.

21 06 2011
moar caek

well there y’ go…
I thought the bellette was a Nissan.

29 10 2011
trevor

nope the BELLETT (no E on the end)

was most definately isuzu. Japanese designed with an italian idea.

21 06 2011
moar caek

I say HQ Monaro P1
XY Falcon P2
P3 is not a Bellette (and there’s no way a Bellette would run with those other two, unless they just passed it maybe) my first instinct was Cortina but that sounds unlikely also….
So studebaker it is.
not sure what the point of scrolling back down here to say that was.
thanks for that wikipedia tip. I feel bogan for caring, but I used to love watching bathurst as a kid with my dad (who was pretty much a cu#t in every other respect) awesome stuff and playing a decent video game of the bathurst track is still a buzz. my mate Mr Curmudgeon has an graet set up for driving games – just a welded box frame he made up with a seat from an old sigma in it and some super dooper wheel and pedals he bought from germany or some shit – but with the ridiculously large screen it really is excellent fun.

21 06 2011
Mick

I would say a HK Monaro 1st, XT Falcon 2nd and the third I have no idea so I’ll go with the Studebaker.

Bathurst and touring cars were a huge part of my childhood boganity. Awesome race track. It’s still the one day of the year that I will watch Oz cars go around in circles. Well, I’ll have it on in the background while doing something else.

10 07 2011
Carlos the Jackal

You’re right about Bathurst being a round of the WTCC, Edward. Except that was in 1987, not in 1992 as you stated.

The 1992 Bathurst 1000 (the last race under the Group A formula) was where Jim Richards used the top step of the podium to declare the masses a “pack of arseholes”, on account of the crowd showing their disapproval of the R32 Skylines winning for the second year in a row. The fact that a competitor died certainly wouldn’t have helped…

And the European 2-litre touring cars didn’t race alongside the falcodores at Bathurst in 1997 and ’98. The super-touring cars had the traditional weekend in October for those years because Channel 7, despite losing the TV rights to the V8 Supercars, still had the rights to the Bathusrt 1000. Seven basically pushed the V8s into having a Bathurst 1000 in November, which was shown on Channel 10 with the rest of the V8 championship. No points for guessing which Bathurst was more popular. Or more successful…

29 10 2011
trevor

the crowd was pissed because richards was in front ( but out of action due to his car being damaged ) when they called the race off.

NOT because they were nissans.

27 06 2011
devil's advocate

Not so much they banned non-Australian cars, they just changes the rules so that the classes were so specific, in practice it excluded everything but Australian cars (I think it was rwd, v8 engined, platform built in Australia) or something.

Which is stupid because there’s so many control parts now, and then the safety/racing setup, they bear no mechanical or even superficial resemblance to the actual cars being sold.

27 06 2011
Mick

The bogan will not believe that. In their minds they are but one step from the podium at Mt Panorama…even if they are off to buy a Dare milk at the IGA in their Brock Commodore.

17 06 2011
17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness
17 06 2011
Pandabater

“Pornish Hen”
Thats f^cking LOL

17 06 2011
Mick

She can be in my ad.

Hopefully he gets sideswiped by a falcon.

17 06 2011
Pandabater

Shame about the arthritis.

17 06 2011
Mick

WTF is it with hand signs? Am I missing something?

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Wiggas!

Coz like it’s heaps like cool and that.

17 06 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts Every Tuesday On 2GB

Thanks, Simon.

Life is not looking good for me right now, so I needed that. This post isn’t helping matters. Now who am I supposed to say Holdens are better than?

17 06 2011
Mick

Hipsters.

Holdens are better than hipsters.

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Sorry to hear that Ash.

Holdens are better than Jesus!

17 06 2011
Edward

Hurrah, I’m saved !

I now no longer understand anything that is being said on either the blog or comments page at Hot Chicks with Douchebags. The in-group vernacular there has become so impenetrable that though I suspect I would be offended, it now amounts to the equivalent of a photo and an incomprehensible string of web-dings.

My sensibilities and sanity are now secure.

17 06 2011
James Hunter

That 1960 first Falcon .wow. Some poor sucker cab company in Darwin ordered a fleet of them and sent drivers to drive them from Melbourne.
By the time they arrived the front suspensions were shot.Ball joints wetre USA quality. Seems not much has changed as the Ford Territory was having similar problems, susposedly fixed by now. Then the first Falcons in Australia with Plastic fuel tanks. Some brite spark (sic) saved a few cents by leaving a metal earthing collar off the filler pipe. Fueling the car caused enough static to make em woof like a very big dog. >
Im with Simon Euro turbo (Citroen diesel) Thats the other funny bit. The new Ford territory diesel (at last) is a Peugeot/Citroen motor which is great ,not so great for Aussie buyers is it is the old 2.7 ltr engine no longer used by Peugeot/Citroen. They use the totally new 3.0 ltr motor thet is more powerful and uses less fuel. Bahahahahahaha

18 06 2011
Peter Thornton

Oh, James Hunter, somewhere in that obscenely long train wreck of a run-on sentence there exists coherency. Thankfully finding it is not my job.

19 06 2011
Peter Thornton

Oh, James Hunter, I notice a testimonials on your website came from someone whose occupation is described as ‘News Review Messenger’. What’s that mean, that he’s the the local paper boy? You know, the offensive young stripling who delivers The Lower Dogpatch Evening Mail? As for your other spruiker, isn’t he the guy in the crumpled suit, worried tie with the wild red eyes of The True Believer? Oh, James Hunter, you’re so very credible.

29 10 2011
trevor

its a LAND ROVER engine

not that god awful prv v6 you speak of.

just because the ford (land rover) engine is 2.7 , doesnt mean its that god awful peugeot 2.7

17 06 2011
urbanreverie

Join us on our weekly excursion to see how the other half lives with your friends at …

THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!

THE SCENE: It’s late afternoon at a small 1970s-era row of about eight shops on the Housing Commission estate where SHEVONNE lives. Half of the shops are empty, the grimy plate-glass windows taped up with yellowing sheets from seven-year-old editions of The Daily Telegraph. A video rental shop on death’s door gamely struggles on, a Vietnamese bakery and a charcoal chicken shop are doing somewhat better but are still grotty and down-at-heel. At the end of the row of shops is a business which has just opened, “SHEVONNES INSTUTUTE OF BEUATY” crudely painted on the window.

Inside, BOGUETTE is giving a manicure to ISOLINA, a massive Samoan woman about the same age.)

ISOLINA: Hey, you do this stuff pretty well, honey, for someone who used to work in a mobile phone shop.

BOGUETTE: Yeah, I been to ProfessioNail enough times over the years, you pick these things up, teehee! I learn from the best, ay?

ISOLINA: So, where’s Shevonne today?

BOGUETTE: Oh, she’s not well, she’s in hospital at the moment actually. Her depression’s playin’ up again, I visited her last night, she’s in a pretty bad state actually …

ISOLINA: Oh, poor bugger! Next time you see her, please, send her my prayers. I’ll get all the folks at the Samoan Methodist Church to pray for her too … with the power of prayer, believe me, the Lord Almighty willing, she’ll get better soon!

BOGUETTE: Thanks, darl. Yeah, we have an agreement, that when she gets sick I get to keep half of what I make, the rest goes on the rent an’ expenses. Don’t worry, we won’t let our best customers like you down, teehee!

(A Premier Cabs taxi pulls up outside the salon. BOGUE pays the driver and gets out

BOGUETTE: Oh Christ, what’s me hubby doing here? This is not a good sign.

(BOGUE storms into the shop, slams the door shut, and marches up to BOGUETTE)

BOGUE: Oi! What’s the meaning of this, bitch? (shoves letter in BOGUETTE’s face)

BOGUETTE: Do you mind, I’m with a customer at the moment, can’t it wait until I get home? Anyway let’s see … (reads letter) Final Notice … the mortgagee herewith gives final notice … repossession proceedings will commence in the District Court within fourteen days if arrears are not paid in full …

BOGUE: You wanna explain this?

BOGUETTE: Well gee, I’ve tried tellin’ ya about the reminders the home loan company keeps sendin’ us and stuff. But no, just like with the Falcon, you keep ignoring it. “Oh we’re not that far behind.” “Oh, they can’t repossess, it’s illegal and I’ll just tell Today Tonight about it or threaten to go to the Department of Fair Trading and they’ll back down!”

BOGUE: Well, maybe if you weren’t such a bludgin’ piece of shit and lose your job at the mobile phone shop, none of this would have happened.

BOGUETTE: Listen! You waltz in here, while I’m workin’ on a customer, and embarrass me while I’m working, I’ve cleared a hundred bucks today, all the girls on the estate love me … and you still call me a bludger?

BOGUE: What? Paintin’ the nails of bludgin’ houso bitches like this coconut here? Yeah, that’s a rool job!

ISOLINA: I don’t know about you, but I’m no bludger, sir! I raise seven kids all by myself with nothing but the help of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and the love and support of my church … ever since my husband died two years ago … a tragic accident on the baggage carousel at Sydney Airport … now leave your wife alone!

BOGUE: (wags finger) You stay out of this, roit? This is a private matter between me and me own missus, and you ain’t got no roit, no roit at all to intervene in our affairs!

BOGUETTE: You shut up, y’unnerstand? I’m sick of it! I’m sick of you! I’m sick of you treatin’ me like shit, and now you treat me customers like shit, and you expect me to take it! I’m sick of you blamin’ me for everyfint that goes wrong. Snot bloody fair! Well, guess what, buster, I’m gonna start blamin’ you too, see how you like it! Like, that four-bedroom fibro in Toongabbie we was lookin’ at that was a hundred and fifty grand cheaper than where we’re living now … it was perfick! It had a huge yard for Aiden, Braiden, Jaiden and Kaiden to play in, it was right near me folks in Seven Hills so they could help out with the kids and stuff, it was only five minutes’ walk to the train station so I could get a better paying job in the city … but no. “Oh, I’m too good to live there because I don’t want to live next door to that curry!” “Oh, I wanna live in a farkin’ mansion because I’m such a big man, I don’t care if it takes twenty minutes just to drive to the shops and the buses only come once an hour!”

ISOLINA: You go, girl! (claps)

BOGUE: (picks up tray full of nail files, nail polish bottles and tweezers and throws it all on the floor) Urrghgurhgkurrghhnt! Didn’t I tell you, you coconut bitch, to stay out of me own private affairs? Who gave you the right to tell a bloke how to deal with his own stupid missus, huh? Go back to farkin’ Coconutland with you and your seven filthy brats!

ISOLINA: (arises, and stands four-square face-to-face to BOGUE) I’d take that back if I were you.

BOGUE: Yeah? And who’s gonna make me? You and yer pissweak friends at the church? What are youse gonna do, sing hymns at me?

ISOLINA: I raise seven kids all by myself. I eat people like you for breakfast.

BOGUE: Hahaha, of course you do. That’s how people like you become so fat, you cannibal coconut bit–

(ISOLINA picks up BOGUE, hurls him out the door, where he lands on the back of his right shoulder, then locks the door behind him)

ISOLINA: And stay out, you tosser!

BOGUETTE: (jaw dropped) Wow … just …. wow. You can’t even fink of how many times I wish I could do that …. Wow.

BOGUE: (howling) Aaaaargh! Aaaaaargh! Me shoulder! Me shoulder! You busted me shoulder! Aaaargh … boohoo … boobooobooobooohoo … somebody … call Triple 0 or sumfint …. me shoulder’s busted fer life …. aaargh boohoo boobooboohoo …. somebody … help me …. aaargh … boohooo ….

ISOLINA: All in a day’s work, sweetheart! You know, if you ever want to leave that pr!ck, there’s room enough in my house for you …. it’s a bit crowded and stuff, but me and the kids will do our best to make you at home … maybe even have your kids over too while you get things sorted. You can do so much better than him! Maybe you can come along to church, meet Mister Right there …

BOGUETTE: Thanks, honey. I’m seriously considerin’ taking you up on that offer. But first, let’s get these nails finished, sweetie … teehee!

THE END

17 06 2011
Mick

‘I eat people like you for breakfast.’

A genuine LOL today, urban. Well done you.

17 06 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts Every Tuesday On 2GB

That…that was beautiful.

17 06 2011
Pandabater

F^cking LOL again.

17 06 2011
Davo

I imagine Boguette will be single and down at my pub soon.

17 06 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts Every Tuesday On 2GB

I’d be happy to glass her should she desire the touch of a Shire man and she comes onto any of my boys.

17 06 2011
Stephen

That was gold!

18 06 2011
p'bee

superb

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Gold!

17 06 2011
Davo

No bogan will buy a Ford this year, Holden brought out the “Thunder” ute, marketed as the angriest car in the world. And for under 40 grand, it’s just what we need on the road.

17 06 2011
Pandabater

That ad is bogan porn.
On a stick.

17 06 2011
urbanreverie

No Panda. THIS is bogan porn …

The most bogan ad of all time. Look at how many bogan buttons it pushes! I tried counting but couldn’t.

19 06 2011
Davo

We didnt get this ad in Victoria(the Nanny State).

19 06 2011
Davo

I just bought 2 kebabs in the hope hot chicks would be there. Good kebabs, but no hot chicks. The Toyota ad lie!

19 06 2011
martin

Ergh. Agreed I hate those car ads with some tough guy wanker and some perfectly manicured gravelly voice.

Why do they not know what complete wankers they are?

17 06 2011
urbanreverie

Farkin’ embedding gremlins. Me an’ the boys will farkin’ smash them if they ever come round to the tavern …

Let’s see if it works in another browser:

18 06 2011
jaydyn jaspur jamyson

if only the last scene of him handing over cash was him pawning the AUV off.

19 06 2011
Davo

Or to a junkie to flog it for insurace.

21 06 2011
moar caek

you have to cut off the bit what says [youtube… just paste the bit from http onward…

you’re welcome.

17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/technology/sci-tech/by-toutatis-thats-a-lot-of-brain-trauma-in-the-asterix-books/story-fn5iztw3-1226076865630

I am without speech. It appears this is serious. The researcher said the Romans were sloppy in their use of helmets as most seemed to fall off when they were bonked on the head by Asterix or Oblix?!

17 06 2011
17 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Cripes Panda, I’m getting rid of my “Die pig carnt” tatt tomorrow.

17 06 2011
chris - embedded correspondent in the dirty south

Panda, anyone who adorns themself with that shyte needs to be removed from the gene pool ASAFP.

17 06 2011
Edward

Better to tattoo yourself with a quotation from Dylan Thomas’ poem “Do not go gentle into that good night”, perhaps ?

17 06 2011
Edward

This is hilarious !

It means that the Roman Army in Groschinny and Underzo’s mid first century B.C. had long term morbidity rate in surviving servicemen which exceeds that of the U.S. Armed Forces in their current engagement in Afghanistan and Iraq.

(The improvements in medical technology and casualty evacuation, which sees severe casualties touching down at Germany in the same sort of time frame as Korean War casualties could expect to reach a fully equipped rear-wards hospital. The death-to-injury ratio has fallen to something like 1-to-15. The sad reality is that service-men and -women are surviving a degree of injury that would have been fatal in any previous major American military conflict. They are then destined for medical discharge and an uncertain future, because of the extent of disability.)

Maybe not so funny after all, I now realize.

17 06 2011
James Hunter

Edward,
So very true we are so obsessed with saving life at any cost that we lose sight of the consequences for the survivor and their carers. Some injured like some civilian sick and dying are better left to die with dignity.

18 06 2011
Peter Thornton

Oh, James Hunter, although it’s highly unlikely that doing so is remotely possible while exiled out in Lower Dogpatch, you really ought to try living with dignity before suggesting others die with it.

18 06 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts Every Tuesday On 2GB

Oh Petey Boy, while I understand it must be hard for you to understand the ways of the living given that you are mentally dead and all, please refrain from questioning others’ quality of life.

18 06 2011
Peter Thornton

Yawn…

19 06 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Hard night violating cabbages Pete?

19 06 2011
Peter Thornton

Oh, James Hunter, your fan club (which consists of two members, which are probably your neighbours in Lower Dogpatch) voice their concern. Very edgy.

19 06 2011
Mick

TBL #1625. Golf Course Rage.

http://www.theage.com.au/queensland/man-left-brain-damaged-after-mate-snapped-on-golf-course-20110607-1fpqm.html

What did chubb say the other day about making killings look like an accident?

20 06 2011
Mick

Well, this is about cars…

Some may recall a while back I was giggling about a young bogan around the corner from me trying to sell his chevodore for a gazillion bucks. I should have shut my mouth. Yesterday at the shops, his sister backed out of a spot and caved the front of my car in.

Is that bogan karma or bogan irony?

20 06 2011
Edward

Neither, it’s just one of awful things that happen. There is a certain amount of co-incidence involved, however. Of all the people it might have been…..

Sorry to hear it, though. I hope she has insurance.

20 06 2011
Mick

Meh, they’re only cars. They’ll be fixed.

I did laugh though when her bottom lip kept on quivering because I was all nice and understanding about it. Living in bogan country she was waiting for yelling and swearing. Nice kid.

I still reckon bogans would label that experience karma or irony. it’s how they think.

20 06 2011
James Hunter

Mick,
Maybe she has had her eye on you and crunched your wheels so she could play the scared tremmbling lipped bougette. You were supposed to put a move on her !!!!

20 06 2011
Mick

JH, even though I was in my full-blown, young fella bogue mobile, I am not a full-blown young bogue.

I’m old enough to be her dodgy uncle.

20 06 2011
James Hunter

Mick, looks like you missed out big time !!

20 06 2011
Pendant

Just watched Mediawatch, Today Tonight used the quotes:
“Holden, now owned by an American parent company” (has been since 1931)
and
“Ford, also now in cahoots with America” (never had non-American ownership)

Just amazing.

10 07 2011
Carlos the Jackal

Funny you should mention that episode of Media Watch. The opening sentence of this article made me think of that particular epic fail by Today Tonight…

29 10 2011
trevor

The commodore driver is the true bogan, forget fords. for every ford bogan there are 100 commodore bogans.

the commodore is the torana of this day and age.

all have the right arm tattoo’d to hang out the window, all have white framed sunglasses, all have a southern cross somewhere, all have a unit sticker, all have the “im the fastest thing on earth” mentality. all pass you even though they are turning off 50m up the road, all will try and race even a pedestrian, and brag that they won.

wankers!

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