#227 – Banks

16 05 2011

The bogan will tell you that banks are greedy, evil institutions run by corporate fat cats and con men. But in 2009, the average Australian bogan willingly gave at least 10% of its disposable income to banks and other providers of consumer credit. The bogan does not extend this kind of generosity to any other group, proving that despite often bleating to the contrary regarding profiteering, hidden fees and other on Today Tonight and A Current Affair, bogans like banks.

This contradictory behaviour is typical of the bogan, and is driven by some of the bogan’s primordial likes: owning things, big things (and therefore owning big things), along with its inability to think beyond the next ad break in Two and a Half Men, which renders incomprehensible the concept of saving. This means that in order to own big things, the bogan must find someone else to pay for them. Enter banks. Bank executives, rivalling Max Markson in the evil genius stakes, have long known that the bogan is incapable of turning down even the most draconian, financially crippling loan agreement in order to acquire a bigger house, car, television and ride-on lawn mower than its neighbour, today.

While the bogan will cry foul when its credit becomes more expensive or financing is denied, and the bank will respond quoting wholesale funding costs or default rate statistics, this type of exchange can be likened more to a lover’s tiff than any deep-seated hatred – on the part of the bogan at least. Deep down the bogan knows that its love for, and dependence on, its bank is never ending; life simply would not be worth living without the tender touch of finance that allows it to partially own such a vast array of objects.

It is a match made in heaven. The bogan: hunter gatherer of consumer goods, provider of interest payments. The bank: able to satisfy the bogan’s deepest desires with the gentle caress of a rubber stamp between the sheets of its loan application form.


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186 responses

16 05 2011
djm

Just about anyone with a mortgage gave 10% of their disposable income to a bank (or like institution). At 7.5%, the interest on even a $300k loan is more like 20% of someone on the $150k/yr poverty line’s net income .

16 05 2011
chubbybloodfart

nice.
Surprised you didn’t hold this back for the boganomics remix.
How long until the banks get in on fuel discounting?
“for an exta 3% pa we’ll give 2c/litre off at the pump!”
Cue bogan Queue.
Or Gerry Harvey Bank “24 months interest Free*”
cue massive bogan queue.

*on savings.

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Chubmeister, I think that might just create a massive #112.

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Two brilliant posts in a row. You boys are on a roll.

I have bogan encounter stories from the weekend to share (including nearly getting glassed) but I’ll tell them once I get to uni.

And yes, the bogan’s love of banks is like that of a masochist and pain. I don’t know how many mates of mine already have settled into a life of being on the leash of various banks – needless to say they’re the first ones to bitch about rising interest rates or bank fees or what have you.

Makes me glad that I’ve stayed off the credit tit my whole life. Having parents who can afford to pay for my uni helps, but I’ve made a policy to never take a loan of any kind on anything, and avoid credit cards. (I keep a debit card for online shopping purposes, but no credit).

16 05 2011
Robbie

I’m in the same boat re: credit.

Only thing I DON’T think I’ll be able to do that with is if I ever take the plunge in to real estate.

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

I don’t really care about owning a house. I’m happy to rent until I can afford to pay cash for one.

16 05 2011
shakPower

hhhhmmmm u might be waiting a long time then Ash, not many jobs around where u can save 400 K before u hit the grave!

16 05 2011
betterthantheoriginalwally

Nonsense. Save $1000 a month at 6% and you will have $400 000 in less than 20 years.

16 05 2011
Dgusten

Yeah, but how much is the $400,000 house worth by the time you’ve saved it?

16 05 2011
betterthantheoriginalwally

Thats not what shakPower said.

16 05 2011
Mick

the way the housing market is looking at the moment it will probably still be 400 gorillas

16 05 2011
James Hunter

Other big issue how many people can save $1,000.00 per month in there early years ? Certainly not the average guy and even less the median pauper

5 07 2011
devil's advocate

If you’re not blowing your cash on a mortgage then it’s not hard to envisage saving $1000 a month, simply as the difference between rent and mortgage.

Of course, whether the individual has the self-control to actually save it and not spend it is another matter.

16 05 2011
Blueballs

hhhhmmmm u might be waiting a long time then Ash, not many jobs around where u can save 400 K before u hit the grave!”
Dare I say it… The Mines. Or if you feel driving a big truck in the desert amongst your social inferiors is beneath you, Private Security if you’re of the ex-military persuasion ( although the later may just about bring an earlier onset of the ‘grave’ for which you speak)

18 05 2011
James

except shakPower, in 20 years time, $400,000 will be lucky to get you a 1 bedroom studio apartment about 10km west of Penrith.

Long term, property goes up by 6%pa. Thats a long term average, not year to year.

The average house price in Sydney is currently around $500,000. By 2041 it will likely be around 1.6 million.

So I’m not sure what your planning on buying for $400,000.

Put it another way, what could you buy now for $125,000?

18 05 2011
James

Sorry, I meant Ash, not shakPower

19 05 2011
Mick

Ah, the house price doubles every 7-10 years argument. James, it’s simply not true.

Look, I could use numbers and logic and long term averages to disprove it but I’ve just had 17 hours on planes and in airports and I couldn’t be arsed. Go visit the macrobusiness site. Bubblepedia too.

They do it much better than me anyhow.

19 05 2011
Mick

Oops, 6% growth is a bit more than 10 years but being wrong has never stopped me before.

20 05 2011
James

I’m sorry, but the long term averages don’t lie. In 1965 the median house price in Melbourne was $9,400. In 2010 it is 524,500.

This is an average annual return of over 9% , before adjusting for inflation. So far better than the 6% I quoted before. This is the long term average over 45 years.

I’ll admit that Australian property is over valued and due for a correction, but there will never be a US style ‘crash’. Perhaps 20% over 3-5 years at the most, but even that is unlikely. I would bank on 5-8% pa for 3 years.

In the US, they have had cities that have literally halved in population due to companies closing down, and most importantly, in the US, you can simply hand your keys back to the bank and walk away from your mortgage.

Remember, Australia is one of the few countries were Negative Gearing is legal. Until that changes, prices will always be propped up. One day it will be gone, but that is likely a generation away at the closest, and most likely not until the current Gen Y’s are approaching retirement.

Regardless, it is a very safe bet to say that $400,000 will buy you very little in 20 years time, and probably nothing in any capital city.

20 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

All very true, if you are waiting to buy homes at 1/2 price you are in the wrong country.

22 05 2011
Mick

Funnily enough, in the USA, between 2000-2010 houses have risen in value by 40%-80%…long term trends.

If you look at long term trends in all first world countries, housing has grown at a rate of 3-4%. The corrections in the USA, Iceland, Ireland, Spain, Portugal and Greece have simply returned housing to that level of growth.

Australia is not different…go and have a look at historical housing prices in Oz since the bust in the 1890’s

22 05 2011
Mick

James, I suggest you read this…

http://research.economics.unsw.edu.au/RePEc/papers/2010-18.pdf

One per cent real growth per annum since 1890. Take inflation into account and that gives you your 3-4% price rise.

Granted, I picked a study date from the top of a boom…you picked yours from an end of a boom. I’m calling mine as a far less devious spin.

19 05 2011
martin

Tell that to the Japanese whose prices are still way below their peak in the early 90s, tell it the the Americans, the Irish, Finnish, the UK, Spain and Portugal, all countries who have just had their ponzi property bubbles smashed. Now the property lobbyists in Australia want the government to prop it up again here with another first home vendor’s grant or some such because the property bubble is looking like it’s finally going down.

Seriously f#ck off with your boganomics you silly c#nt.

10 11 2011
Maxtreme

Actually James, going 10km west of Penrith takes you into Glenbrook in the Blue Mountains, where an empty quarter acre block costs 500k, many houses are around 1 mil and some go for up to 2-3.

16 05 2011
Dgusten

Ash, I think most (all?) financial experts agree that most debt (credit cards, car loan, personal loans) is bad, but that a home loan is “good” debt.

Unlike most other things, a home (generally) grows in value rather than depreciates, so it’s (generally) worth taking out a loan and paying interest (which is (generally) at a significantly lower rate than a credit card or personal loan rate) to buy a house – you might only own 20% of it initially, but any increases in value are yours and not the bank’s, so you end up owning a greater percentage (of a greater value) even without paying any of the principal off.

If you do pay it off quickly (like gramnazi below – paid off in 6 years), you save massively on the interest. You’ll have done much better for yourself than you would have by trying to save to buy a house fully in cash (noting that the interest earnt on savings is taxed under our stupid tax system).

Having said all that, I have reasonable savings but no property because i think houses are way overpriced at the moment, and I’m hoping for a bubble burst… might be wishful thinking but whatever…

In the meantime, I can’t wait for my tax bill this financial year once my interest earnings are added to my taxable income…

16 05 2011
urbanreverie

But Ash, what about the ability to hang as many pictures as you damn well please? What about the ability to have your own pets? The ability not to have your privacy invaded by landlord inspections every six months? The ability to grow your own herbs and vegies, paint your house the colour you want?

And then there’s the financial side of things too which Dgusten mentioned. You pay tax on savings interest. You don’t pay tax on capital growth on your own home.

I want a mortgage because being at the mercy of the big banks is a lesser evil than being at the mercy of landlords. I just hope that the Great Australian Housing Bubble bursts, preferably some time in 2014. Two years after I graduate and have saved up for a deposit on a cute little $200,000 repo in Toowong or Glebe =)

16 05 2011
shakPower

if u release ‘The adventures of Bogue and Boguette’ in print and online , u’ll have enough for a 5 mill mansion on sunny Gold Coast by 2014 🙂

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

I can keep my pets in most rental properties (I keep turtles) and haven’t found a rental where I can’t hang what I want to as long as I don’t mess up the wall.

As for gardening, well, let’s just say that that isn’t my forte. I’ve never grown anything that’s lived for very long.

16 05 2011
James Hunter

Ash, thats the groblem with cultivating erections;they don’t last long.try a different kind of orga nism. !!

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

JH, the only thing I can cultivate is an erection.

18 05 2011
DP

Or going by your post, convince your parents to stump up on your behalf

16 05 2011
Dgusten

I have a few credit cards and I think they’re great.

If you’re not an idiot.

Two of them have no annual fees – one of them even has a rewards program with no annual fees. The third had the annual fee and rewards program fee waived for the first year, and I got 10,000 Qantas frequent flyer points upon joining. I will cancel it before the year is up so that I don’t pay next year’s annual fee – I’ll look out for a replacement card with a similar sign up deal. I got an espresso machine for joining once (although I’ve never actually used it!).

I basically just pay all my bills and shopping etc on it. I have never paid interest on any of the cards.

I never use the cards if there will be transaction fees I can avoid.

Since there’s a 30 day or so delay in paying the credit card bill, my money gets to accrue interest in an ING account for a month before I pay the credit card off.

Last year I flew Melbourne to Bangkok, Bangkok to Tokyo and Toyko to Melbourne on my frequent flyer points – probably half of those came from credit card rewards points, with the rest coming from other holidays I have taken with Qantas and its frequent flyer partners – don’t get me wrong, I look out for the cheapest fare and only fly Qantas if its worth it.

16 05 2011
Vviv2

That’s so true Dgusten, plus it provides an invaluble credit history. Ash , you will need a credit history of some sort before applying for something the size of a home loan….

16 05 2011
chubbybloodfart

words of advice for young people
(ping @Bill Burroughs @DisposableHeroesofHiphoprisy)
Renting is better than buying IF you invest the difference.
“neither a lender nor borrower be”*
TM&C Bard p/l

*unless you get a sweet fuel discount

16 05 2011
Spanky

Someone I work with has $50K of credit card debt, he is a big time bogan and sees it as free money, contradictorily he also wants to get off the credit bandwagon and pay it off. But then as soon as a new Xbox game or digital camera comes along he must have it immediately.

16 05 2011
V'visexxxion

A ex-friend of mine did the same – got up to his neck in $50k of debt on utter crap that he didn’t need. When they started asking for money back, instead of offering him more he went to a some welfare credit service where they made a deal so that he paid about 7cents for each dollar owed and was told he couldn’t borrow again for 2 years or some nonsense. Not even bankrupt. I was so annoyed. I had busted my a$$ paying for everything I own with cash – he meanwhile had been living it up with holidays and good times and walked away laughing… When he told me , he was actually proud of his situation.

16 05 2011
betterthantheoriginalwally

What did you learn?

16 05 2011
the beef

V’v; while your friend thinks they’re not bankrupt they’ll find that the “debt agreement” they entered was actually a debt agreement under Part IX of the bankruptcy act, and they’ll struggle obtaining finance for the next ten years. I work for a lender who does legitimate financial recovery loans and I see it all the time.
Never fails to make me laugh: “but no-arn never told me eyeworz going bankrupt”.

16 05 2011
V'visexxxion

I took some comfort in knowing that I wasn’t getting harassing letters in the mail and didn’t have to worry about having a $50 k debt. And I didn’t have to sign up to My Budget like that boganista with the tortured blonde hair on tv.

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

That Tammie is a bogan whisperer par excellence.

16 05 2011
gramnazi

We (I and the Mrs) paid off our mortgage in six years 🙂

Now that’s some anti-bogan discipline for you.

16 05 2011
James Hunter

gn,
you are obviously oveerpaid and part therefor of the cost of living increases !!

16 05 2011
urbanreverie

Off topic, but here’s an interesting column which appears in today’s Fairfax press. It’s about the bogan’s attitude to education. Talk about hitting a nail on the head!

http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/working-class-boganism-stealing-our-best-and-brightest-20110515-1eo2a.html

Sigh.

16 05 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

Good article.
Sadly it is very true.

16 05 2011
martin

Well they might want to try actually paying scientists a livable wage. They make like $70k or some shit? With a lot more stress and proper work and responsibility.

I’d rather just fix dunnies myself if I were a youngin and make the same or more money.

Also pharmacists are copping it in the date these days, with all the big time corporate chemist shops around, apparently they’re lucky to even get a job let alone make $20 an hour. You’d get more being a forklift driver.

The bogan can’t really help being a moron, but the powers that be can certainly help by making brainy jobs more, or in some cases particularly science based courses, even vaguely appealing.

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Martin, as usual you’ve cut to the point.

The problem isn’t bogans here. It’s that there’s no incentive for the brightest minds to go into science and engineering, or even if they do to stay in the country.

Hell, I’m probably going overseas when I do my postgrad work – and I’m in social sciences.

16 05 2011
Vviv2

Dead right Martin, & also by keeping the research & development resultant from these great minds in Australia!
One can’t blame them for heading overseas, where they are paid better & can see their brain-child grow….

16 05 2011
p'bee

pay rates is definitely important, but the attitude to education and intelligence does start early on at primary school, well before any real thought about jobs and incomes occurs to a kid. i was mocked by the rest of my class in primary school in year 4 because i finished all the reader books first – and i was in the ‘smart’ class. learning often just isn’t seen as a good or valuable thing.

16 05 2011
p'bee

gah – pay rates are important, not is important. way to go undermining my own post about education.

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

p’bee, that’s been the case since time immemorial. Even societies where intellectual advancement is supposedly prized (e.g. China and India) there has always been an element of distrust for people who appear to be more naturally intelligent. My cousin (who is one of the smartest people I’ve met and is a member of Mensa) used to tell me about how he would always pretend to take longer over work than he really needed because he knew his teachers would think that he had been cheating.

Despite this, we’ve (and I mean humanity in general) still managed to produce some pretty great scientists, artists and thinkers over time. I don’t see where they’re coming from these days.

I blame consumerist kultcha.

17 05 2011
Mr Q

The other thing these days is that back in the day, scientists were free to disseminate their work, allowing the next person to build on their discoveries and advance the knowledge of the whole human race.

The current idea however is to slap a patent on the idea and exploit it for profit, and bugger the advancement of the human race as a whole. Science is to be exploited, not advanced – which I think is part of what leads to the public’s sceptical view of scientists (though it’s not usually the *scientists* that are making the world that way, but the lawyers and salesmen).

17 05 2011
James Hunter

MRQ,
Dont forget the two other groups of parasites to blame: The Politicians who should fund scientific research and the banks who control the purse strings of the private companies doing research. Therein lie the root causes of the behaviour you outline.

18 05 2011
Will S

Becoming a scientist is a pretty scary choice. It means foregoing any kind of above-poverty line income until you’re about 30, and therefore most likely foregoing owning a house or even having a family, lol.

Oh well!

5 07 2011
devil's advocate

I think his comments about why Asians place such high value on education are wide of the mark.

It’s cultural, but not in the way he thinks. When you have grown up in a poor country (I mean third world, struggling for your next meal poor – not “I only have the old Nintendo 64, my life sucks” poor) education is sometimes the only viable way of escaping crippling poverty.

By the time I was born my family had escaped the worst of it but I hate being poor, and certainly it was worse than any nerd-related insults that could be thrown my way.

16 05 2011
Mick

Old mate mentioned something about Anglo kiddies not doing as well at school as kiddies that have a non-English speaking background. I heard this on SBS one day but couldn’t find where the info came from.

I’d love to put it up on the wall at work. There would be outrage.

16 05 2011
Mick

Oops…that was for you, Urban.

16 05 2011
shakPower

that might have more to do with parenting rather than race. thats the bogan kids contribution shifting the balance in the non-anglo kids side. education is never a top priority. knowledge is for poofs , just gotto live to the maxxxx on credit of course.

16 05 2011
urbanreverie

G’day Mick, I might need a bit of career advice from you. (Hey, I gave you some dating advice once, so it’s a quid pro quo!) 😀

I’m at uni, I graduate next year, and the concentration I’m studying will also allow me to become a surveyor if I choose to go down that path – something I’ve been considering a lot lately because there are so many career prospects in surveying.

Anyway, there’s a lady in my class who I get on quite well with, not a bogan bone in her body. And she’s now got a job doing mining surveying in the holidays, and she’s encouraging me to do the same.

I expressed some hesitation about this. Surely the mines are full of uncouth, hard-drinkin’, hard-brawlin’, copiously tattooed TC bogans who drive lime green Commodore SS utes with “No Fat Chicks” bumper stickers down the Peak Downs Highway at 170km/h? And wouldn’t I stick out like a sore thumb in such a yobbo environment?

“Oh, not at all!” my classmate said. “You get people from all walks of life! I’m a woman and I felt completely safe at all times, there was nobody like you described! There’s a half-caste Aboriginal girl who’s the nicest person you could ever possibly meet driving a dump truck, middle-aged white-collar guys looking for a lifestyle change, believe me, you will have no trouble fitting in at the mine!”

I was shocked to say the least. It blew everything I thought about the mining industry out of the water.

So the advice I need is this: Just how bogan are the mines, in your experience? Is it a case of “every mine is different” when it comes to the composition of the workforce? And if I do end up following my friend’s advice and get a vacation job on the mines, and the mine has (contrary to my friend’s experience) a high bogan quotient – how do you mentally cope with working with a bunch of slackjawed morons who think that the meaning of life is drinking, going to knockshops and garishly coloured utes?

Thanks for helping me out here, man!

16 05 2011
the beef

If she does want a bogan bone in her body, the mines is a pretty good place to start.

16 05 2011
James Hunter

beef,
have you ever been to a mine ?
just concerned about your level of expertise

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Or had a bogan bone?

16 05 2011
the beef

I have experienced one of the two… So I do have some credibility here!

16 05 2011
James Hunter

beef,
you been listening to Casey Chambers ? “Got stoned ’cause I could’nt get boned “

16 05 2011
the beef

… because “not pretty enough” doesn’t really matter when you’re on the mines?

16 05 2011
martin

Have you ever put a cat in the shower for a bit of sadistic fun? That’s what Casey Chambers sounds like.

16 05 2011
Mick

Okay, your mate is correct. As much as I bag the clowns I’m with, in reality they’re a decent mob. The ones I want to glass are just deadshits and they would be that wherever they go.

There is a lack of reality because of the dollar everyone gets and so the garishness of the bogan is in full bloom. However, most of them would give you that dollar if you were hard up.

I’ve probably made too many generalisations about the mining bogan on here. Yeah, there’s a lot of racist pricks. Lots of people who think they’re better than what they are…money does that. But there’s lots of men and women here who you can sit down with and have a conversation about anything you want. Except China. Never mention that China may stop buying dirt one day. Boy, was that a group tongue-lashing.

I’ve made the error of saying what I think. Most respect it, but others think I’m a commie. Funny that, I’m in the bad books for being a commie yet China is their best friend. Go figure. Yet, I’ve had many a bloke sidle up and tell me they agree with me but figured I’m big enough to cop the others wrath. It’s easier to avoid the bad stuff that way.

Take the chance, you’ve just got to avoid the knobs same as you would anywhere else. They’re just people, albeit with a higher bogan quotient. And it’s money for jam.

And the sort of people over here. The four blokes I knock around with the most…a huge, tattooed, harley-riding Koori, an ex-manager type, a laid-back hippie type dude who loves a V8, and a guy who flew to NZ to see Green Day. He really did. I still shake my head. And we’re all good mates.

Make it as you would anything in your life…enjoy the good and dodge the bad.

16 05 2011
Danny Boy

Urban – I spent just over 12 months living in a mining town in Central QLD.
Yes, the majority of the people in that environment are complete bogans. But you will find that alot of them are lovely people.
I stuck out like a sore thumb. But I got on with what I had to do.
I drank less in that 12 months than I ever had in my life and less than I do now.
You will find plenty of people who go there to do one thing. Save.
It’s the perfect thing to do during your uni holidays.
Just think of it as an opportunity to live amongst the bogans.
And if you’re worried about not feeling safe, maybe you some problems.

16 05 2011
urbanreverie

Thanks Mick & Danny Boy, your advice is much appreciated.

Danny – No, I wasn’t worried about safety at all. It was my classmate who raised the issue of how safe she felt (from the perspective of a single female in a male-oriented environment).

17 05 2011
Mick

Women are very safe. As much as the attitude and comments by the blokes are outright wrong, if a drunken bogan is seen harrassing a woman then he will be surrounded by ten other bogans looking menacing and growling as only a bogan can.

This is usually done by the OSB. Old-fashioned and chivalry goes hand in hand. It’s pretty to watch. There’s no nod to each other. Nothing spoken. They just all get up as a group, usually from different spots, and approach bad bogan.

Bad bogan, as a rule a NaB, will return to his mates, bag them for not backing him up, then tell all he could have taken the lot anyhow but didn’t want to cause a scene.

16 05 2011
martin

Don’t you just get nailed by the maxxtreme rents? I guess not.

16 05 2011
Pendant

Absolutely go for it. I did fly-in-fly-out surveying in the Bowen Basin for about 6 months, and would still be doing it now if I had the choice*. I didn’t have to deal with any unpleasantness at all, but that had mostly to do with the fact that our surveying was ‘at the mines’ but still a long way away from the minesite proper. The one person I did have to deal with regularly was my boss, and he turned out to be a well educated lefty pinko anyway.

* As a barely qualified chainy, I was earning more than double (!) compared to my previous job developing GIS software. I’d still be doing it now and putting money away if I could.

17 05 2011
Connor

Were you in the Collinsville region by any chance?

18 05 2011
Pendant

Can’t say I was. Newlands mine was as far north as I got, Moranbah -> Emerald was where most of the work was for us

18 05 2011
Connor

That’s kind of close I suppose, only 60-80 km away? I was just curious because I lived in Collinsville for 12 years before finally getting out and moving to Melbourne.

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

#321 – Planking

Is it just me or is that possibly the stupidest “craze” ever. F*ckwits.

16 05 2011
martin

I find it vaguely amusing, even more amusing that it has taken one of them out.

16 05 2011
V'visexxxion

If it’s good enough for Kerrie -Anne, it’s good enough for me. I’m sure that’s what the dumb twit was thinking as he plummeted to the ground.

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Ahhh, love Darwinism!

Sam Newman did it as well. So cool.

I’m going to plank on my bed tonight. I will be part of the in crowd, even if it kills me.

16 05 2011
V'visexxxion

I’ll plank on the couch from 7 – 9.30pm every night this week- craaaazy.

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I love being here and hanging with the cool kids.

16 05 2011
17 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Viv, I can confirm planking is xxxtremely dangerous. I tried it in bed and woke up on the floor! Beware kids.

17 05 2011
Anonymous Bosch

With all the hysteria over ‘planking’, I was completely in the dark to what it actually was, (basically, a rebranding of ‘The Lying Down Game’.

I went right to the source of Bogan Hysteria: News.com, who helpfully described what is was; showed me explanatory pictures; and explained just how dangerous ‘Experts’ were considering it, thus guaranteeing it will be considered ‘maxxxtreme’ by bogans and readily imitated.

Give them a few weeks, someone will realise they can take a combined forced perspective / planking shot at the Big Banana, and the Bogan Singularity will begin.

16 05 2011
shakPower

i had to search to figure out what it is. what is wrong with the kids ?? why cant they get normal hobbies? u know, sports, books, stamps etc

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I know I’m not down with the kids these days (over 40 now) but this is a stoopid craze. Lying on stuff?!

16 05 2011
James Hunter

women ?

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Do you just lie there JH?

16 05 2011
James Hunter

figuratively

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I bet you are like a frog in a blender actually.

16 05 2011
James Hunter

What the heart can’t see but the heart can feel.

16 05 2011
James Hunter

sorry ,eye cant see !

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Have you been at the Metho again JH?

16 05 2011
James Hunter

Simon,
Does it show?

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Little bit Dude.

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

I would say something here, but there’s photos of me doing the rounds of the interwebz (with my mates) planking on Toyota Stadium yesterday after we were allowed onto the field. So I shall bite my tongue.

16 05 2011
Vviv2

Jeeez Ash! Go outside & slap yourself…. 😛

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

I’d do it again.

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Ash – our token bogan.

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

I know you say that out of love.

17 05 2011
Bag O'Turnips

You just take the fun aspect of the bogan lifestyle and ignore the more degenerate parts, so that’s cool by me, even if I might roll my eyes at times at your (mis)adventures.

I can understand where people come from there, even if much of what bogans do is not of interest to me: much of my family are bogans of various stripes (OSBs and CUBs, no NaBs though mercifully), so I have forced insight from being steeped into their ways, so I do have the odd bogan component, such as strong admiration of Acca Dacca (albeit the Bon Scott era; beyond Back In Black, they’ve become something of a caricature, though a skilful one at that) and being something of a mild-grade petrolhead with a savant-like knowledge of cars, so beg my indulgences on those topics. But aside from that, that’s it, just another A-grade pinko Greenie.

Don’t worry, most of us know beneath that callow yob bravado, lies a rightful and decent sort who wants to live some degree of an examined life, ergo Ash is one of the most valid contributors here…he delves deeper into the heart of boganism than any of us care or dare to and returns to tell us the tale…similar to Mick, a reformed and successfully recovering bogan: stay sober from the bogan’s bacchanalian excesses and incontinences…maybe there ought to be a 12 Step programme for those who wish to give up the bedevilling bogan habit, without explicit reference to a god (or even a Higher Power, as nebulous concept as it is), that being strictly a matter of conscience, which in cultivating a faculty for conscience being a lightbulb moment in their recovery.

17 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Turnips gets it.

I march to the beat of my own drum at all times. Just like I confound y’all when I admit to planking, being a dickhead to skankily-dressed women from my car, drinking anything with alcohol in it or being a class-A footy bogan, I confound my bogan mates by reading books, quoting Shakespeare, changing my uni course to one with far lower earning potential (finance to political science) and pointing out that glassing that c*nt is not a good idea.

Sunday, I spent the morning doing research for my essay on Marx and ideology. The afternoon was me at my footy bogan finest, ending with planking on the field and getting heavily drunk (that’s after spending two hours calling out Todd Carney from the sidelines for doing the same thing). That shit’s how I roll.

Oh, and I’m a card-carrying member of the Liberal Democratic Party of Australia.

17 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Fully bro.

16 05 2011
Vviv2

Today was the first time I’d heard of planking….sounds to me like the new age bingo…yawn!
How could even a bogan find that challenging? (let alone entertaining!)

16 05 2011
Blueballs

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t a rugby league player credited with starting the ‘Planking Craze?

Back in my day, we called laying flat on your face ‘Waterboarding’ or ‘Sleeping’… These wacky kids know how to push the envalope these days!

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

It actually started somewhere in Europe. But a guy who plays for Manly popularised it here.

20 05 2011
16 05 2011
p'bee

it’s also a few years behind the times – it was around about 5 years ago, but called extreme lying down back then. i think it’s just taken the bogans a few years to catch up to the shortlived fad.

16 05 2011
James Hunter

Simon,
right up there with train surfing
mind you a thousand amps of six hundred volts direct current is what they need.

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I could see the thrill in train surfing, but lying on inanimate objects? Jeez.
Go and plank on a highway *splat*.

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Never been train surfing, but car surfing is ridiculously fun and anyone who says otherwise needs some Full Body Rigidity and to try it themselves.

16 05 2011
urbanreverie

Actually, closer to 1500V DC in New South Wales and Victoria, James. 25kV 50Hz AC in the Sunshine State. It’s 600V DC if you want to do tram surfing in Melbourne though 🙂

I agree with Simon, planking just seems … I don’t know, what’s the word I’m looking for? Lame. I hadn’t even heard of planking until I saw it on the front page of the mX last week. Ignorance was bliss.

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

*F*cking stupid*

Here Urban, you can borrow my words if they help in your search!!

I am still stupid enough to switch on JJJ every now and then in the vague hope they may be worth listening to again, yeh I know, I know. The Doctor was doing a ring in on people planking and saying how cool it was.

RIP Triple J.
*glass* The Doctor.

16 05 2011
chris - some of my best friends are bogans

the ole lycra brigade aren’t above a spot of planking:
http://lookat.thebigeyes.co.uk/?p=620

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

That’s good. I will try that next time down Greenhill Rd from Mt Lofty.

17 05 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

There’s footage somewhere of one of the Basque nutters doing that while going down a hill during a race. That’s what I was searching for, but my internet skillz are a bit like my climbing ability these days.

16 05 2011
Blueballs

Phantom 105 in Dublin was just hanging shit on stupid Australians about how lame planking is. You know its serious when the Irish start taking the piss out of our fine country.

16 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Balls, do you have a link or sumfink? Holy sh*tballs things are bad if the Irish are taking the Mick out of us.

17 05 2011
Blueballs

I was listening on stream… With the exception of ABC talk, local radio (especially Triple J) shits me to tears, hence the need to migrate my musical requirements to Ireland.

Word from the wise, it’s a good station, as well as playing stuff you’d never hear in Oz ( Ants by Ham Sandwich if you’re up for a good tune) there’s absolutely no chance of having to listen to bogan anthems like Khe Sahn.

17 05 2011
Mr Q

That’s a worry coming from a country that bankrupted itself selling bits of Ireland to each other for ever increasing prices.

(hang on, there’s something scarily familiar in that)

16 05 2011
James Hunter

Urban,
Correct my appologies. It is the DC ones that have the wicked fault currents and hard to extinguish arcs . Ac might have less transmission losses but its for sissies ! Mind you the Brazillians send Very high DC about 1200 miles from Iguazu to Sao Paulo and they are an “undeveloped countrie”
I have had something to do with large cell high voltage batteries and man they can bite.
Thats off topic I guess but they sure be crispy if they get hit just like Bar B Q ribs with clothes on the side.

17 05 2011
Bag O'Turnips

There is one notable HVDC transmission conduit in Australia: the Basslink, which connects Tasmania to the mainland in Victoria, allowing both a two-way electricity link and a fibre optic data transfer line.

But just a guess, it’d be a maxxtremely hard task to go planking in the Bass Strait, even though its average depth is only about 50 metres. But what an x-treme sport that’d be!

But then again, X-treme Sports Can Kiss My Arse, like TISM said, in their inimitable way.

16 05 2011
Tombarina

Kudos, TBL dudes – looks like you’re back.
Noice work.

17 05 2011
urbanreverie

Tomba!!!!! Long time no see! Welcome back 🙂

16 05 2011
the beef

When I first found out about planking (about four days ago) I’d thought/hoped it may have been a nice little bit of surrealism or perhaps an artistic juxtaposition of the absurdities of man against the beauty of nature, shape or design. I thought maybe the Herald Sun journo’s couldn’t see the artist’s intended expression. Turns out they were right: it’s pretty much a bunch of wankers lying on shit (sorry Ash but you’re tarred with the same brush!)

16 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Hey, in my case it was a reaction to my shattered dreams of playing in the NRL.

17 05 2011
Pendant

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Planking-Australia/147452668649160

Fùck me. At least I’ll know where to start when my dictatorship begins its sterilisation programme.

17 05 2011
Lee

So guys, when are you going to do a piece on the latest bogan craze “Planking”?
We should encourage this activity – wiping out a few bogans will do the world good.

17 05 2011
Edward

So, Planking is the new Parkour. Extreme sports (?) aren’t what they used to be.

17 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Yeh, people used to jump off stuff, now they just lie on it……. and then fall off. Maxxtreme!!

They don’t build young un’s like they used to.

17 05 2011
Connor

Perhaps herein lies the origins of planking, a parkour stunt gone wrong could have led to said bogan lying face down on the ground.

17 05 2011
Edward

As a key performance indicator, the ability to lie straight, as a socially noteworthy or physically admirable accomplishment does seem, what’s the word ?

“Lame”, that’s was it.

I can do that and I don’t expect any approbation for doing so. When people are pressing the “like” button for pictures of someone who is lying on a surface which will support their entire body-length, this is a sign that the culture has taken a wrong turning.

17 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I’ve been doing it for years, my natural sleeping position, and I’ve never received any kudos for my ability. But I have never been cool so there you go.

It does fit with our increasingly lazy lifestyles though. 10 year olds have been found recently with fat deposits in their veins. How do parents let this happen? It’s not as if we haven’t been bombarded with diet and exercise information for 30 years plus and don’t know right from wrong.

Next maxxtreme trend for the kids, staying still!

17 05 2011
James Hunter

Simon, I was doing it at High school and you know how long ago that was ! I used to put three chairs in a row lie on top with the heels (no calf allowed ) on one and the head (no shoulders) on another. Then take out the middle one and sit it on top for as long as possible before placing the third one back under from the opposite side. Hmmmmm things people do

17 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I always knew you were a bogan trend setting icon JH.

17 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

How long before we see bogans trying to hang a six-pack from their balls then, given JH’s gift for setting trends?

In fact, I hope this one happens quickly. It’ll sterilise them faster.

17 05 2011
James Hunter

Ash,
a full slab thank you ! six packs are for schoolies in training !!

17 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

All the better.

Although, now I think of it, I’m pretty sure some bogan who saw your Australia’s Got Talent escapades will attempt to cook a snag with his nipples and be totally maxxtreme. In fact, he may try to cook a full steak with even more charge and be even more maxxtreme.

17 05 2011
Vviv2

!!!! JH !!!!
Phuking OUCH!!!

17 05 2011
James Hunter

Vviv2,
We do not cheat either. We do not use “Lite” beer !!

17 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

We could just hook up JH’s powercord to their nuts and flick the switch, that would work and be fun.

17 05 2011
Vviv2

Off topic, but maybe this should be renamed ‘Evolution of the bogan’

17 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I hate hipsters far more than I hate bogans.

I’ve said it before here – bogans deserve a glassing, but hipsters deserve a farking good kicking.

17 05 2011
Vviv2

Couldn’t agree more Ash…Makes your hand positively itch to bitch-slap them…. 😛

17 05 2011
urbanreverie

What, Ash, are you saying that you will deny yourself the pleasure of wearing a cardigan that’s three sizes too small, of wearing oversized John Faulkner-style glasses with no lenses in them, and riding a one-speed fixie all the way up (the very steep) Darling Street from the Balmain East wharf? Oh Ash, you haven’t lived yet until you have gotten totally shitfaced on Bulmer’s Cider, stacked an op-shop bookshelf with a whole library of works bought from Gleebooks and attended an Architecture In Helsinki gig. 😛

(end sarcasm)

BTW I share some of your disdain for hipsters. The hipster and the bogan have some things in common – a pathological need to conform to the norms and mores of their social millieu; the inability to think for themselves and to regurgitate without any reflection the opinions of their peers; the overriding need to be seen as what they perceive to be “cool”.

But as somebody else on TBL once said (I don’t remember who), at least a hipster won’t glass you. 🙂

18 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I guess it’s easier to beat up a hipster than to beat up a bogan.

18 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Hipsters sh*t me to tears.

Just coz you read Satre does not mean you understand it. And whats with the jeans, they are either wearing their sisters skinny jeans or a pair with massive poo-catchers.

18 05 2011
martin

I guess it’s like how the old school bogans are better than the NABS. Technology and too much money has made them look kind of fake, disingenuous and distasteful. Same with the new age hipsters. The new age hipsters look pretty annoying to me, if the crowd on Q&A is anything to go by. The old school hipsters were cooler because it was just about smoking bongs and listening to grunge and alternative music and stuff. They took pride in being poor and kind of dirty. Now these new age hipster want to look like they take pride in being poor but they want money too and they look like they’ve got a disciplined and highly regimented cosmetics and hygiene routine like they were a pop star.

Just like MMM type music sucks massive arse these days so does JJJ type music. It’s lame, there’s no real conviction, just going through the motions, there’s no musicianship or any respect for musicianship.

18 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I like the radio comparison Martin.

We all know about the fixie bike thing hipsters have going on at the moment. Well the ultimate accesory for your fixie is the disc wheel. Cept these are really expensive so the less well off hipster will buy these plastic discs you clip onto the spokes to make it look like a disc.

Ever tried riding a disc wheel outside a covered velodrome? The first serious puff of wind would see the wane hipster and it’s bike carted off to South Africa, so they have to push their bike at the mildest hint of a zephyr. That, my friends sums up hipsters.

18 05 2011
James Hunter

Not much respect for anything

18 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I don’t class those “old school hipsters” as anything, because I am one.

I smoke my bong, listen to Skin Yard, Green River and Mother Love Bone.

18 05 2011
martin

I have ridden a bike since the days when everyone had a malvern star mountain bike with buckled wheels from going up and down gutters and riding them in the bush.

We were hardcore. We used to ride to and from school quite often, we’d travel for kilometres just to go and get a slushy or play street fighter, we didn’t worry about pedos, we would have glassed them. We didn’t even have facebook and the internet.

Now you’ve got to wear some poncy helmet or else you’re breaking the law!

18 05 2011
Pendant

Hipsters make me sad. I wish I had enough disposable income to spend money on that kind of wank

18 05 2011
Connor

http://www.mojobike.com.au/fixie/

How can anyone pay that….. for that?

18 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/more-news/teapotting-the-safer-alternative-to-planking/story-fn7x8me2-1226058019812

These crazy kids have come up with a new craze – Teapotting.

Hey I did that during playschool. Again so far ahead of my time.

F*ck it I’m moving to Mars!

18 05 2011
Pendant

in b4 someone attempts to ‘pour’ themselves over a balcony and falls seven stories.

(too soon?)

18 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Not at all Pendant. These people deserve the mock.

20 05 2011
Miss P

on bogan radio, they’re trying to start something called ‘cocking’ where one cock’s their leg like a dog wanting to pee. sigh…

22 05 2011
Danny

18 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

TBL – Pretty please can we have the Recent Comments widget back, huh, just for us.

Can do. Sorry, we didn’t know people liked it! TBL

18 05 2011
James Hunter

Yes please, widgets,widgets

18 05 2011
martin

Yer. I have to scan the whole page to try and find what’s new. F#ck you TBL.

18 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Thanks dudes.

20 05 2011
p'bee

all hail the widget.

20 05 2011
James Hunter

The Widget, the widget,the widget.

18 05 2011
Victory

It’s like thsoe ads on TV for Radio Rentals. The Bogan on it says “I just want a fair go but my credit history isn’t great”. Duh?

20 05 2011
Miss P

/like

19 05 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

(Does little “Recent Comments are Back” happy dance.)

19 05 2011
Pandabater

Thanks TBL, suggestion;
Latest Addenda.

19 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Current musings?

20 05 2011
p'bee

oi shut up, i’m talking (or typing?)

19 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Stuff wot was typed.

19 05 2011
Mick

Things Cletus Likes

19 05 2011
James Hunter

New Shit

19 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Latest Glassings (Our posts are glassings).

19 05 2011
Mick

Ash, did you just explain a pun to us? I mean, really?

19 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Sorry. I’ve been with bogans all day.

19 05 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Go have a lay down and a can of Woodie.

19 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

A Woodie? I’m not that far gone.

19 05 2011
James Hunter

Ash,
Well spotted!!!!! good to see you on the ball?

19 05 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

Things Bogans Like Readers Like Reading, Like…..umm. Bugger. Who am I kidding; I got nothing.

19 05 2011
Mick

The TBL curse has struck again. They mention banks and bang, Moody’s give ’em a good glassin’.

http://www.smh.com.au/business/moodys-downgrades-ratings-for-big-four-banks-20110518-1eso8.html

19 05 2011
chris - some of my best friends are bogans
19 05 2011
Mick

So, organic mining workers versus robotic mining workers.

Which one has the wider conversational skills?

In overall staffing levels I don’t think it’ll worry the CUB. It’s a case of a few jobs disappeared here, a few developed there. Plus, it will be far nicer sitting next to a robot on a plane compared with a tattooed, bintang singlet wearing, yob.

19 05 2011
Edward

Thanks for return of the Recent Comments list.

20 05 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

I’m more worried about what happens fifty years from now when they become self-aware and start glassing each other.

22 06 2011
danS

I am glad they pay such high intrest rates on their stupid credit card, trying to get rewards and shit, while me, with a low rate intrest card is getting higher and higher rates of intrest in me term deposits

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