Thanks partly to government health and safety initiatives (collectively referred to by the bogan as “the nanny state”), and despite its best efforts, the male bogan is taking longer to die than ever before. Even the most xtremely safety-averse bogan has to keep its jetski away from swimming areas, has airbags in its Chevrolet Commodore , and will get denied service at bars when it looks like it is smashed enough to glass one of its brethren. But while the nanny state is making the bogan survive for longer, it has so far failed to make meaningful progress on making the male bogan mature mentally as it ages. As a result of this, the female bogan realised that in order attract a bogan alpha male, it had to look and act like a 20 year old throughout its lifespan. So, like an already haggard hatchling emerging belatedly from a discoloured egg, the cougar was born.
An American TV show called Cougar Town premiered on Channel 7 in February 2010, featuring a 45 year old Courtney Cox. Cox plays a divorcee with an 18 year old son, who decides to pursue a series of younger men. This was a light globe moment for the bogan female, who had previously suspected that Demi Moore’s accomplishment was not possible for them to imitate. The bogan cougar set out to offset Hollywood’s financial advantages by levering itself into muffin-top-generating hipster jeans, and headbutting its makeup cupboard until taking on an unsettling shade of orange. Now ready to go on the prowl, the cougar begins shamelessly hunting through local nightspots for any remaining shards of what it remembered to be its glorious youth, discarding any remaining shards of it once remembered as its dignity.
After being informed of the term cougar, the bogan male’s next few hours are entirely occupied by laughing at how cougar is also the name of one of its favourite mixed drinks, and a maxtreme toothsome cat. After a few of said drinks, the enterprising bogan male’s mind turns to how he may be able to bed a cougar. The beastly female, not the beastly feline. Bogan males aged between 16 and 26 have concluded that it’s totally hardcore to hook up with vastly older women, claiming “they know what they want”, and under the assumption that they all look like Courtney Cox. They do not.
Thus, when faced with a cougar in the flesh, the male suddenly reconsiders its initial enthusiasm. As the cumbersome quatrogenarian lumbers across the bar to pounce, the bogan begins to fret, casting its eyes left and right, looking for escape, but its packmates are on either side, egging it on, reminding it that it was ‘in’. The next morning it wakes up next to a pillow stained a queer shade of brown with dark blue patches, slides out of bed and out the door. And never speaks of cougars again.