Unlike you, the bogan has important things to do. Because of this, the bogan is aware that many cautions and guidelines present in everyday society are directed exclusively at non-bogans. Sometimes the bogan has to utilise its unrivalled powers of maxness to get things done. Instances of necessary and logical bogan maxation can range from running red lights, to attempting to muscle in on bar queues in the event that its Mexican beer supplies dwindle. But during TBL’s thorough study of bogan behaviour, one of the most fascinating examples of forbidden bogan behaviour has been the bogan’s need to walk between train carriages.
Many modern trains in Australian cities now feature doorless walkways between carriages, which enable free movement of all passengers along the train. The bogan does not wish to walk between these carriages, and will instead loiter in a doorway attempting to look huge, or kick back on a seat, grinding the dirt on its Nike ShoxMax into an adjacent seat while it tells its friends about how many cunts it glassed the previous night. But, like an idiot cat that wants someone to let it out when it’s in, and then in once it’s out, the bogan, upon boarding a train with emergency doors between carriages, feels an uncontrollable urge to be in the carriage one along from the carriage that it is currently in.
When moving between carriages, there is a need for all other train passengers to be aware of the bogan’s unparalleled power to operate a door handle and walk forwards. The door will be loudly slammed behind the bogan, punctuating the maxtremity on show. Surveying its domain, the bogan eventually discovers that its new carriage is eerily reminiscent of its previous carriage, and that the initial impact of its arrival has abated. The dilemma then arises: does the bogan return to its old carriage, or does it progress to the next one along? Confused, the bogan retreats to the walkway between the carriages to ponder its next move over a cigarette.
In the event that a train employee attempts to do their job and introduce the bogan to the clearly signed consequences of its actions, the tone of the bogan changes remarkably. In an instant, the bogan knows its rights, and the importance of rules. It will demand to see the employee’s badge, and lean back on its constitutional entitlement to simultaneous freedom of speech, silence, and free lawyers. As the employee exits the carriage, the bogan clutches its $200 fine in its fist, and vows between gritted teeth that Slater & Gordon and Today Tonight will be hearing of this grave injustice. If anyone is making eye contact with the bogan at this point, they will receive maxtreme violence. While the bogan scans the carriage for someone to bash, it spots the next carriage. Bewitched by the carriage’s immense nextness, the bogan digs itself out of its seat and slithers towards the forbidden door.