Friday Boganomics – It’s UnAustralian!

15 04 2011

The phrase UnAustralian has long resonated deeply with the bogan. The bogan knows that it is Australian; indeed, the best kind of Australian. Anyone who disagrees with things the bogan likes is therefore not Australian. QED. However, something has occurred this week that gives us pause, as we consider the possible death of one of the classic bogan-baiting calls of all time. This is kind of like when Liberace died.

Much has been made of the success (and phenomenal ROI) of the mining companies’ campaign against the MRRT, or RSPT, or GREAT BIG ROCK TAX (GBRT) of late, as for a piddling investment of about $22 million, the likes of Rio Tinto, BHP, and Xstrata managed to put the kybosh on a tax that would have cost them as much as $100 billion. Such a meagre investment was all that was required to convince sufficient bogans that their well-being, their incomes, their VERY WAY OF LIFE was at threat because the government sought to tax the extraction of goods that were technically part bogan-owned in the first place.

Do the maths, because the Australian Leisure and Hospitality Group (ALH) certainly have. In other words, Woolworths have. Woolies, who own 75% of the ALH and over 10,000 pokie machines nationally, are ready to take their case to the bogan. They have witnessed the value for money on offer in convincing bogans to act against their own interests, and, in tandem with the Australian Hotels Association (AHA), are ready to punch out a $20 million propaganda campaign to convince the bogan that its happiness and well-being are conditional upon allowing large corporations to run armies of one-arm bandits. Because, like all canny operators in a bogan-facing sector, Woolies have learned that to gamble on the bogan’s stupidity is to make a sure bet.

For the rest of this week’s post, head over to the Macrobusiness Superblog! It’s no ordinary blog.


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100 responses

15 04 2011
hel

God I’ve missed you guys!

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Did you get locked up on your trip Hel?

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Bloody Hel!

15 04 2011
martin

All they need to do is show a blue collar bogan with a tough voice, bronzed skin, in a fluoro vest and a hard hat and the Australian public is putty. In fact all advertisers from maccas to cosmetics should do this and they’d be successful.

But then again News Ltd has told the bogan that gambling is bad.

http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/i-am-you-are-were-un-australian/

So they might have to have two bogans in fluoro vests and hard hats.

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

The other thing the advertiser has to do is mention Manliness to get the bogan dribbling cash.

Witness the ad about man-hide (Dove?), or the man burger fron KFC sans bread (girlysh*t it is).

15 04 2011
martin

Haven’t noticed the Dove ad. I do believe it’s tough to buy man brand face cream or some shit these days.

It’s tough to buy some piece of shit Mitsubishi (love that car) or a great wall 4WD.

They do make sure they have a broad appeal by picking the right actors, people who manage to exude a middle of the road douchery that somehow take in the whole spectrum from hipster douchebag right through to NaB douchebag.

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Protect your manhide

You will see it, it is an abomination.

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

The epitome of bogan ad has to be that Peters Maxipad or whatever that apparently gives you Jawceps.

15 04 2011
Shazza

Or the Foh-wah and Twenny (Four and Twenty) pie ads.

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I’m having a pretty bogan moment right now.

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Leave it alone Ash.

15 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

“Un-Australian” has been misappropriated just the same as the Eureka flag and the southern cross. There oughta be a five-figure licensing fee to use any of these.

15 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

No. On second thoughts just throw people in the slammer for six months for saying “un-Australian”. Just like “Don’t you know who I am”, there is never an excuse for coming out with this crap.

15 04 2011
urbanreverie

The next time somebody says “unAustralian” to me in person, I’m going to ask – “Who determines what’s Australian and what’s unAustralian?” That word is more likely to send me into a homocidal ramapge than any other word in the English lexicon.

It’s just a word that people (usually conservatives) use to shut down a debate with an opponent. You don’t like what your adversary has to say? Simple! Just say “unAustralian” and hey presto! Your opponent is ground into the dust by a stampeding horde of bogan sheep who are woken into action by the time you’ve finished the second syllable.

Personally I think intolerance, inequality, ignorance and the inability to indicate your intention when changing lanes on the motorway ought to be unAustralian. But that would make me just as bad as those who currently use the word. How arrogant for a person to claim they have the right to be an arbiter on “Australian values”!

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Chris, thank you so much for pointing out the Eureka Flag misappropriation.

I have a particularly spivvy bogan acquaintance who constantly decries the Labor Party, the Greens, unions or anything that costs HIS TAXPAYER DOLLARS (all caps for the emphasis he puts on them). When I ran into him in a pub recently I saw him wearing a Eureka Flag T-shirt. Being the brave soul I am, I attempted to take him to task over it despite the risk of a glassing.

Apparently it’s just a symbol of Aussie fuckin’ Pride these days. I was quite tempted to glass him.

18 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

That’s pretty funny considering the BLs have taken it as their own. Ask your mate how long he has been a member. Then duck.

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Just ban gambling and be done with it. No good comes from it. That and smoking, both just plain dumb things to do.

15 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

As pointless and when done to excess, unequivocally harmful, these two pursuits are, like much else, banning is not the answer, as it drives these into unchartered and unregulated waters. We cannot ban human nature, but we can do all we can to discourage those unsavoury activities through harm minimisation strategies.

We may as well have an Idiot Tax on those activities, using the revenue towards remediating the effects these have upon their users, a kind of “user-pays” principle in play. And this ought to apply to other activities beyond tobacco, gambling, alcohol and prostitution: I say that all other drugs be legalised, but in thoroughly regulated way: the pharmaceutical types only available via a pharmacy (maybe with a medical practitioner’s authorisation) and inexpensive cultivation licences for drugs that are consumed in their natural state (cannabis, mushrooms, peyote), coupled with sensible laws regarding public consumption and operating vehicles and machinery under their influence. And despite maintaining educational campaigns to discourage use, as well as a blanket ban on also the advertising of alcohol and gambling—which may seem at odds with a legalisation agenda—ensuring that they are safely available at reasonable cost with guaranteed purity and efficacy, will do a whole lot more for society at large than trying to wage a War On Drugs, which is a complete policy failure. Not to mention be economically sensible compared with that, both with the consequences of crime and health outcomes.

But for now we have to contend with an unholy alliance between teetotaling wowsers from the Christian Right and the spiv retailers and publicans who wish to maintain the status quo, as not to hurt the multi-billion gaming and alcohol industries, with their greenwashing through the charities and community organisations (represented by the wowsers) that receive their lucrative hush money.

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

As always the voice of reason Bag’O. You can’t protect the public from their own stupidity and taxing the crap out of it like smoking also does little as with the health warnings etc. Smoking is on the rise amoungst the young again after several years of decline, I don’t get it?!

15 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

However, in regards to what I earlier said that “[W]e cannot ban human nature”, I wish we could legislate against that eponymous vocal group of crooning gigolos from Sydney (where it’s de rigueur to prostitute oneself, importuning at the first opportunity of wealth or/and fame).

The esteemed likes of Marvin Gaye, Paul Williams and David Ruffin (the latter two were in The Temptations) would be turning in their graves if they ever heard their treatments of their Motown classics.

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Glass em Bag’O. They are a disgrace.

16 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I will swing an emptied middy at them with a gleeful arc of a parabola, Simon 🙂

16 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Wrong way, ya carnt. It’s done with a stabbing, thrusting motion from overhead.

16 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

A bit hard when they’re on stage pooncing about…I prefer covert anonymity in my attack. Although some may see me as a national hero and saviour to the local music scene if I were to lob on stage and forcibly insert a jagged middy glass deeply into the neck or cheek of either one of the Tierney brothers (it’d shut ’em up for a while), I don’t seek fame or notoriety. I prefer stealth, so I could go on and make my progress by lurking in the shadows and subtly making my silent attack, so I can live and fight another day.

To be loud ‘n’ proud with glassin’ cünts is bogan anyway, and that is one thing I’ll never stoop to be…besides, that’s why bogues make up a disproportionate ratio in the prison population: they’re useless at subtlety and covering their tracks.

With these surreptitious attributes coupled to a thoroughly systematic thought process, I’d have made, no doubt, a successful criminal, but I just don’t have the morals for it and it doesn’t help that I cherish my (relative) freedom.

Mind you, I can do a good line in civil disobedience should the need arise, for there are times when to defy the law is the proper and honourable thing to do.

16 04 2011
Vviv2

If i raised the ante a little….would you please add Justin bieber to your “to be glassed’ list?

16 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Bieber’s on my list, and I am the Almight Overlord of c*nt-glassing.

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Oh boy, don’t start me. My big sister used to love them. She would get all butthurt when I would play Offspring or Blink 182 (I was about 9 or 10 at the time) over her stuff. Then I’d tell her to go get some #164.

15 04 2011
Cody

In Western Australia, we do have an “idiot tax”, the lottery commission runs things so that a large part of the money that comes from people who play weekly Lotto (including myself), goes into community projects.

Unless I’m mistaken.

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

No, Simon, pokies are dumb. Gambling is fun when there’s an element of skill involved.

Yes, I play poker and blackjack on occasion, and once had one of the great weekends of my life in Las Vegas with a fake ID (I only left $75 poorer). But I keep it under control and play smart.

As for smoking, I welcome it. It’s like Darwinism – if you’re dumb enough to do it with everything we know these days, I want you to die quickly and hopefully before you can reproduce, although I know that’s a stretch.

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Ash, your bogan is showing, tuck it back in. Where is the excitement in losing money. It’s not skill it’s percentages and they always lie with the house.

I agree with the darwin element of smoking but don’t want to put up with the filthy c*nts throwing their butts everywhere, stinking up my air. Ship them all to Melbourne and lock the gates.

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Simon, I suggest you play poker some time (doesn’t have to be for money). While I agree that sometimes it ends up being an exercise in pissing money up against a wall, it does take an element of skill to be able to anticipate your opponents’ moves and act accordingly. I don’t play in casinos that much, I prefer going to bogue pubs on their poker nights and fleecing them. The percentages may lie with the house, but when the house is stupid the smart have an advantage.

One thing I’ll point out is that all the bogans I know who’ve tried to play it are all lousy.

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I actually have tried it but get bored very quickly Ash, I just don’t see the point. But then I enjoy riding my bike up the steepest hill I can find so what do I know. Go in peace dude.

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

That’s the spirit. You like cycling, I like poker. You like Aussie rules, I like rugby league. Doesn’t mean we can’t still be mates.

The bogan thing to do would be to whinge about how our differences make the other one wrong and therefore worthy of a glassing.

16 04 2011
Vviv2

Why Melbourne FFS?? The southern isle will welcome them, lots of smokers there….

15 04 2011
Vviv2

True Simon, but these things won’t be banned while the gubmint’s making a killing on both!
If billions in excise wasn’t involved, do you seriously think cigarettes wouldn’t be treated like toxic waste that they are?
As long as it can be taxed, it can stay, kill people/drain the weak/pollute the waterways/promote misery….

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I wonder how the excise balances out against the health and social costs incurred. I bet we are behind the eightball.
*self glasses foe gambling*

17 04 2011
rob

Um…wouldn’t that be unAustralian?

15 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I’m just glad in WA we don’t have the scourge of poker machines—as much as I find them thoroughly unentertaining, I think we have the best balance, in that if someone feels the urge to chuck their hard-earned at some machine with a tiny chance of getting more back from it, they can go Burswood Casino, which is the sole location of these here, so at least some effort has to be made to do this, which may require more time and energy expended than the average bogan wishes to do in order to satisfy this base desire of instantly gratified greed, rather than having the usual situation of just ambling up to the local pub or RSL, or in the case of Melbourne, as soon as you get off the train at Flinders Street Station (the “Clocks” Tabaret always manages to do my head in, no matter how often I go there).

I just hope that no Government in office in this state would consider spreading gaming machines beyond those confines: probably not likely, given the long-term consequences of this in other states have shown themselves to be less beneficial than the short-term revenue windfall suggests. As a result of this, we have the lowest rate of gambling of any state in Australia, but are the biggest spenders on Lotto, which is operated here by the State Government agency Lotterywest, where the dividends beyond the winnings are disbursed throughout the wider community as grants (my employer is in receipt of these, so if I lose when I play Lotto, I know it’s going back into my paypacket, rather than some grasping Tattersals shareholders).

15 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

Surprised you don’t have a well-organised hotel owners’ lobby who piss and moan about living in a “nanny state” as we do here in SA, BoT.

15 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

We do, we do. It’s called the WA chapter of the Australian Hotels Association and its chief, Bradley Woods, is a frequent talking head on news bulletins pooh-poohing and prating about the effects of various new laws that challenge their licence to be prats.

15 04 2011
Vviv2

Don’t hold your breath BOT, sooner or later the WA government will succumb to the lure of billions in extra revenue…I do hope it’s later as WA’s my favourite state.
Perhaps they’re waiting for the population to increase first?
What’s the bet that the towns around the minefields will be the first to get pokies when they spread?

15 04 2011
Mr Q

It’s an odd one – while in WA, the right to be stupid is normally held sacred by the WABogan (and certainly legislation that blocks such a right is sneered at), even the bogans in WA are pretty aware of the idiocy pokies have caused in WA, and it’s one issue that’s potentially an election turner.

15 04 2011
Mr Q

“Caused in WA” should be “caused everywhere in Australia outside WA”

15 04 2011
Vviv2

That’s true, they are very levelheaded there, but I thought the same years ago when they began to introduce the pokies into Victoria.
They infiltrated the RSLs & hotels little by little, the novelty (not to mention the cheap drinks) was enough to get most people in for a look.
The venues themselves welcomed the extra cash & remodelled, renovated & splashed out on little bonuses for the members & locals.
Add more jobs, nice eateries & somewhere to spend a lot of time in comfort, out of the heat/cold with friends….. (& no kids ripping around)…Sound like a great idea to you?

15 04 2011
shakPower

surely all the local RSLs lead the race as far as poker machines are concerned . not sure how i should feel seeing those cute old people sitting there like zoombies and pulling away at that handle then heading off to the counter to get their easy to swallow soup and coffee. i feel sympathy, empathy, sorrow, helplessness, rage followed by a massive urge for beer and lamb shanks . RSL surely knows how to hook em. there should be a law about exploiting old lonely people.

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Yes there should. Pokies are a scourge.

15 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

For a start, they should sh!tcan the promotion of the “$10 Burswood Bus” which gives those old folk—their target audience—a return fare and a meal, so they can spend the rest of their pension on their “lucky” machine, wearing heavy-duty incontinence pads, lest someone snaffle their seat should nature call.

15 04 2011
RobertL

I’m not a fan aof gambling, so I choose not to do so. The thing that always surprises me though, is casinos.

I have this in-built belief that casinos are somewhat classy places. I believe that this comes from two sources: James Bond and the Rat Pack. Both heavily feature smooth-looking guys in tuxedos sipping at cocktails.

On the rare occasions that I visit a casino, I am always gob-smacked by the downmarketness of it all. It’s like the row of pokies at the local footy club on steroids. There are no redeeming features. You’d think that I’d be used to it by now, but it does my head in every time.

ps. I read today that Jim Beam is launching a big marketing push which will see it overtake VB as Australia’s biggest-selling booze brand. I have no words…

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

There’s no such thing as a clarsy casino. I went to the Wynn in Vegas (which is supposed to be the classiest in that city of glitz and tack) – C.U.R (cashed up redneck) heaven. Fully huge dudes in their black suits thinking they’re the Rat Pack (as you touched on), orange chicks wobbling half-drunk on foot-high stilettos, more fake gold than Donald Trump’s apartment…(as you can probably tell, I lost money there).

15 04 2011
Gold Coaster

And why do these people think they’re going to win money at a casino, or other gambling outlet, for that matter? Surely they don’t think casinos make money by giving it away?! Insane.

15 04 2011
shakPower

let me introduce you to ‘THE SYSTEM’ . every wanna be professional gambler has one, obviously any sane person with a speck of knowledge in mathematics would see straight away this incredible , genius system would fail for sure barring a few lucky hits here and there. but obviously the bogan is immune to logic hence we see packed houses in casinos . head out to conrad jupiters tonight and try and talk up a drunk gambler, i bet after 2 mins of chit chat they will tell you about their eternal friend ‘THE SYSTEM’!

17 04 2011
rob

I’ve felt a lot of sadness, seeing stuff in third world places, but nothings as sad as the vibe in a casino.
Know what’s even worse? A casino in a third world country.
Or should I be saying “developing country”?

15 04 2011
Tone

Don’t underestimate the power of ALH and AHA. If the unconvincing ads won’t work, name calling will – especially when they have Rupert’s Minions in their corner: http://www.news.com.au/national/andrew-wilkie-caught-up-in-nazi-salute-allegation/story-e6frfkvr-1226039404508

15 04 2011
Gold Coaster

I have a moral dilemma. I think that gambling is a form of Stupid Tax, so if you’re dumb enough to do it, then more fool you and you deserve to be fleeced. But where the dilemma kicks in is when innocent family members suffer. My mum has a friend whose whole family was ruined by her brother’s gambling, and I’m sure that story is told again and again.

Should people be allowed to pay the Stupid Tax when it wrecks their families? No doubt the availability of gambling is adding to the problem. Australia has the highest pokie-per-capita rate in the world.

15 04 2011
Gold Coaster

And that ad is really dumb. It’s so average and lasts far longer than the bogan’s attention span. They should have hires A Current Affair to make it.

16 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I hope it miserably backfires…hope springs eternal that it might, given that the add is so lame.

Even the bogan might twig that it’s been having had a lend of.

Wonder if there’s some sober, compelling ads that’ll come up in the pipeline that’ll come out in support of gambling restrictions, showing the consequences of unregulated gaming; maybe some sorry-arsed reformed gamblers who state that with some restrictions in place, they may not have had their car and home garnisheed and they’d still be with their family, etc. Tug at their heart strings, that ought to be dead easy, as well as showing AHL for the craven, jelly-backed importuners they are.

15 04 2011
urbanreverie

And ladies and gentlemen, please stay in your sofa for the latest episode of …

THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!

(THE SCENE: A small, one-storey brick building about ten minutes’ drive from BOGUE and BOGUETTE’s McMansion. Behind it is a dry, pock-marked soccer field and a grove of eucalyptus trees gently swaying against the starlit sky, and out the front is a small car park fringed with unkempt agapanthus plants. The interior of the building consists mostly of one large room brilliantly lit with fluorescent lighting and a timber floor, with the walls holding severeal chipboard noticeboards with amateur advertisements informing readers of pilates classes, caravans for sale and guitar lessons. A sign out the front says “COMMUNITY CENTRE”.

BOGUE and BOGUETTE arrive in the car park in BOGUE’s electric blue Ford Falcon XR6. BOGUE gets out of the passenger side and BOGUETTE gets out of the driver’s side.)

BOGUETTE: (holding BOGUE’s hand as they enter the community centre) So what’s this fing we’re here for again?

BOGUE: Not sure. They called it a “focus group” or sumfint. Just had some fella call me up the other day, asking for me opinions on politics an’ shit. They asked me if I knew who I was gonna vote for next election, I said no, and said you didn’t know either, and so we got invited here tonight. They’re givin’ us forty bucks each for our time as well.

BOGUETTE: I don’t know much about politics – I only voted for Julia at the last election because I wanted a chick Prime Minister. I’d rather be at home watchin’ Packed To The Rafters, but hey, that’s eighty bucks we need!

(BOGUE and BOGUETTE enter the main hall, where there is a semi-circle of plastic stackable chairs. The other attendees are already seated – GARY, a fat unkempt slob in his early sixties whose eyebrows and ear hairs have never been clipped in his life; MARK, a lean, serious-looking, balding middle-aged man in a tie and trousers; MICHELLE, a scrawny red-haired women in her 20s wearing an Australian flag tank-top and frayed denim shorts; LUKE, a tall mean-looking gum-chewing young man wearing hi-viz workwear with spiky red hair; and MELINDA, a petite 20-something brunette wearing black leggings, a brown skirt and a purple corduroy jacket over a tie-dyed blouse.

Standing in front of the semi-circle carrying a clipboard is KIERAN, a sparkly guy around 30 years old, with a pin-striped shirt, a silvery-bluish irridescent tie, far too much gel in his short dark brown hair and the general appearance of having spent far too much time in a solarium.)

KIERAN: Good evening everyone, and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to come here tonight. Let me introduce myself, I’m Kieran and I’m a representative of the Australian Labor Party. Now let me explain why we’re all here – we’re here to learn more about your opinions, your values, what you want from your government. I’ll be honest – you all live in this marginal electorate here, and we came within 1,865 votes of losing this seat. And if we had lost this seat, we would almost certainly have lost government. So it’s very important to us that the Labor government in Canberra repersents what you want, want you aspire to in life, what you expect from a Labor government. And you have been selected because you are a typical cross-section of Australian society and you all said that you were undecided who you were going to vote for. Now … let’s get the ball rolling. I’d like to ask – what is the most important thing in life?

LUKE: Hard work, mate. Hard bloody work!

MICHELLE: Too right, mate! I work as a barmaid at a tavern nearby, and I’m tellin’ ya, you get these bludgers comin’ in as early as ten o’clock in the mornin’, as soon as we open up, and I tells ya they just sit around all day drinkin’ an’ shit. MY taxes that I make from MY job goes to these useless lazy bastards!

MARK: I spend three hours a day on the train travelling to and from my job as an insurance claims adjuster, time I’d rather spend with me kids and me missus – yet these dole bludgin’ scumbags are livin’ like royalty, they get free public housing, free transport, free everyfint! We hard-workin’ Aussies just want a fair go!

MELINDA: But what about people who experience discrimination from employers? What about people with disabilities, what about Aborigines, what about people who have mental health issues, people who have literacy problems …

BOGUE: Oi! I set me alarm clock nice and early, I’ve been gettin’ up at four o’clock lately to get to me job on the motorway construction site by six! If I can do it, these bludgin’ pr!cks can too!

MELINDA: Yeah, it’s all well and good to say that people ought to work, and I agree totally. But shouldn’t we ask employers to create opportunities for people who need a hand up in the world? You know, encourage them to hire people with disabilities and force them not to discriminate?

BOGUE: What are ya, some kinda bleeding-heart do-gooder bitch? There’s plenty of jobs out there, and if you can’t find one, it’s all your fault! You talk about opportunity and crap – it’s up to YOU to seize the opportunity!

(Other bogans cheer BOGUE)

BOGUETTE: But honey, I’m looking for a job meself at the mo-

BOGUE: (nudges BOGUETTE with his elbow and whispers sotto voce through clenched teeth) Shhhhh! Shut up, ya dumb bitch!

KIERAN: OK guys, let’s just keep it civil, no need for personal attacks! Now, we have “hard work” as one response to the most important thing in life. Any other ideas?

MELINDA: Yes – education. Education is a passport out of poverty, and the government should do more to encourage people to learn skills that are useful to society. I’m currently a student, studying sports physio at the local uni campus, and a single mother raising two beautiful young daughters after having left an abusive relationship, so I know how tough it is for uni students to make ends meet. So yeah, I’d say education is the most important thing in life.

GARY: Education? Who the hell needs an education! I left school at the age of thirteen with nothing more than three shillings sixpence to my name, and look at me now! I now own the biggest fleet of tow trucks in the district! So don’t give me no bullshit about the importance of education!

(Other bogans applaud)

LUKE: What are ya, some sorta inner-city latte-sipping feral hippie or sumfint? Go back to where you came from!

(More bogan cheering)

MELINDA: Listen! I’ve lived out here all my life! I worked my backside off at school, got very good grades in my HSC, made the mistake of marrying the wrong man, escaped from his violence and his jealousy two years ago. I’m back at university, working a couple of nights a week at K Mart to top up my Austudy, trying to make something better of myself, studying something in a field where there’s a skills shortage – you should be applauding me for trying to work my way up in the world!

MARK: What? So you want to make sumfint better of yourself, but you expect the rest of us to pay for it?

(Wild bogan cheering)

MELINDA: (puts forehead in her open palm and shakes her head sideways slowly) Oh Christ, what did I let myself in for tonight?

MARK: You listen here, young woman! I work hard, pay thirty-eight cents tax on every extra dollar I earn, do a crapload of unpaid overtime at the office – and the latest Reserve Bank interest rate rises on my mortgage are killing me. I’ve got better things to spend money on than other people’s university degrees! Get out of your ivory tower!

(More wild applause)

KIERAN: (scribbling furiously on his clipboard) Guys, I told you, keep it civil! This isn’t an opportunity for you to debate and attack each other! This is about what kind of government you guys want! Just respect each other, OK? Now, we’ll move onto the next subject here. I’d like to ask – what are your attitudes towards the Greens?

BOGUE: Don’t like them at all.

KIERAN: And why is that, sir?

BOGUE: Well, they don’t share our values an’ shit.

KIERAN: What exactly do you mean by that, out of curiosity?

BOGUE: Well, they reckon that p00fs should be able to get married.

MICHELLE: Yeah, I agree! Them queers are perverted and unnatural! I don’t reckon paedos should be able to get married at all! They should all get castrated, I reckon!

(Wild bogan cheering)

BOGUETTE: What, darling? So are you saying that Shevonne shouldn’t be able to mar-

BOGUE: (kicks BOGUETTE’s shin and again whispers sotto voce through clenched teeth) Didn’t I tell you to shut up, woman?

MELINDA: What? I have gay friends at uni, are you trying to say that they shouldn’t be able to have the same rights as straight people? And who said that being gay is anything to do with abusing children? That’s just nonsense! None of the gays I know have ever touched kids!

GARY: Back in my day, if you were a p00f, you’d get put away in the mental hospital! They’re filthy! And now they want to get married? Yeah right! That’s just sick!

(Bogan applause)

KIERAN: OK. Any other opinions on the Greens?

LUKE: Yeah! They don’t love families, and they don’t love our nation either! They’re always hangin’ shit on me country. They even want to bring our soldiers home from Afghanistan! Talk about cutting and running! Then they want to make homes more smaller and energy-efficient and stuff. That’ll put brickies like me out of business! What about our rights to have whatever size house we bloody well want?

(more applause)

MICHELLE: Yeah, and them Greens want to bring all them boat people into this country! They want to overrun Astraya wiv people who can’t even speak English proper! The Greens are unAstrayan and they hate Aussies!

(the strongest cheering yet)

MELINDA: What? These are the most desperate, most vulnerable people in the world, fleeing stuff we Aussies could never even dream of – rape, torture, bombings, the whole lot! The least we can do is give them a safe haven!

MARK: Yeah, and if you love reffos so much, why don’t you put two or three up in your house? Put your money where your mouth is, woman!

(more applause)

KIERAN: OK. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Your input tonight has been absolutely amazing and very informative. On behalf of the ALP, I’d like to thank all of you individually and as a group for your contribution to the politics of this country. What you had to say tonight was extremely valuable, and it’s only by learning what the ordinary people of Australia want that we can deliver the kind of government that you deserve. Thank you.

BOGUE: Thanks for hearin’ what we have to say, champ!

LUKE: Too right, mate! Thanks for comin’ here tonight, man!

(The various bogans assemble around the Zip heater and drink Bushell’s tea from styrofoam cups and nibble on those little packs of two stale Arnott’s biscuits that come in cellophane wrappers, while MELINDA quickly exits the building trying to hide her tears and KIERAN goes outside into the darkness and dials a number beginning with (02) 62 on his mobile phone.)

KIERAN: G’day mate. Kieran from the New South Wales Right here. Can you patch me through to Julia’s speechwriter please? … G’day! Kieran here, how’s it going? …. Yeah, got some interesting stuff for you to insert into Julia’s Whitlam Oration speech thiny at the Uni of Western Sydney tomorrow night …. Yeah. Make her say some bullshit about how Labor is the party of opportunity …. but very important: say that it’s an individual’s responsibility to seize that opportunity, don’t even think of saying that it’s society’s duty to provide those opportunities – that won’t play in Peoria ….. what? What do you mean, “Throwing one hundred and twenty years of Labor Party traditions and ideals out the window?” Who the f#$k gives a rat’s arse about Labor ideals? I certainly don’t ……. What are you? Some sort of socialist? …. I don’t care if the socialist objective is printed on the back of every ALP membership card, like that bullshit means anything …. Anyway, you have to say something about setting your alarm clock nice and early. The punters out here love that …. oh, and something about respecting bricklayers too …. oh, and the Greens. Joe Blow hates them … yeah, put in some stuff about how the Greenies don’t love their families and their nation and how they don’t share the values of average Australians …. that might even get Piers Akerman and Andrew Bolt on our side for a change! … No, you will do as we say, I don’t care if you say your stomach is turning … if you don’t, say hello to Prime Minister Shorten or Prime Minister Swan! And you’ll be out of a job, you little punk …. Playing ball now? Good. Ciao! (hangs up phone)

THE END

N.B.: If you want to read the steaming tripe which came out of Julia’s mouth after Bogue’s little focus group frolic, you can see it here:

http://australianpolitics.com/2011/03/31/julia-gillards-whitlam-oration.html

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Urban,

Can’t read that speech, too long for me.

The bogue and boguette show is like Frontline, scarily accurate. That, my friend is a huge compliment.

15 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

If ever there was a TV show that needed a reprise, Frontline would be it.

15 04 2011
urbanreverie

I was actually hoping for a comparison to The Hollowmen, Simon 🙂 Still thanks for the nearly-as-awesome compliment though! *blushes*

As for the speech, here are some bite-size bogan-baiting excerpts from Julia Gillard’s speech which came from the focus group Bogue went to …

… And we have always acknowledged that access to opportunity comes with obligations to seize that opportunity. To work hard, to set your alarm clocks early, to ensure your children are in school. We are the party of work not welfare, that’s why we respect the efforts of the brickie and look with a jaundiced eye at the lifestyle of the socialite …

… And the Greens will never embrace Labor’s delight at sharing the values of every day Australians, in our cities, suburbs, towns and bush, who day after day do the right thing, leading purposeful and dignified lives, driven by love of family and nation …

The kind of stuff you’d expect from the mouth of Tony Abbott or John Howard. Not from a leader of the ALP!

And the first person to guess which electorate the focus group took place in wins a special Bogan Prize!*

* (prize may not actually be real)

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

The Bogue and Boguette show is like Hollowmen, scarily accurate!

Set in a suburb near Mawson Lakes?

15 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Electorates! sorry Makin?

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I would wager that I’m the most right wing of anyone here, but even I agree that calling people un-Australian just because of their political affiliation is wrong in so many ways. Shades of Joseph McCarthy, only instead of Red-baiting you got reffo-baiting.

Oh well, don’t blame me. I voted for the Democrats and the Sex Party.

And since Bogue and Boguette live in Glenmore Park IIRC, the electorate is Lindsay.

15 04 2011
urbanreverie

Ash! I should have guessed that a political science student would know the names of federal electorates 😛

For being so smart an’ crap, your Bogan Prize is a year’s unlimited supply of Ice Breaks and Four N Twenty steak bacon & cheese pies and also a night with a Picture magazine Home Girl of your choice (Brazilians not included).

By the way, The Chaser last year did an excellent skit about the xenophobic rednecks in the seat of Lindsay. They dressed up in naval uniforms and “patrolled” the streets of Penrith in amphibious duckboats, keeping the locals safe from the threat of boat people, much to the totally un-ironic nodding approval of the locals. Hilarious! 🙂

Penriff. I reserve a special corner of my hatey little heart for that place. Penriff – The Land That “TH” Forgot.

16 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Haha, I’ll probably end up giving the pies to a bum cause I don’t eat red meat, being un-Orstrayan and that.

16 04 2011
urbanreverie

Ash, you are making the erroneous assumption that meat pies actually contain meat!

16 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

I’m pretty sure they do. What meat exactly is obviously up for debate, but I’m pretty sure that there’s some foot scrapings, eyeballs and other assorted delicacies in there. Not that I want to find out.

16 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Mystery bags are one of my favourite food groups. I also choose to live in ignorance.

15 04 2011
Vviv2

Oh-kay Urban….now fes up, just WHAT do you do for a job?
Your real name isn’t Kieran is it?
That is just what one imagines happening in reality….Well written indeed!
😀

15 04 2011
urbanreverie

Hahaha. No, my name isn’t Kieran, Vviv. 🙂 I just thought it would be the kind of name that some sparkly factional foot soldier who graduated in Industrial Relations and Political Science from the University of Technology Sydney would have. Apologies to all the decent Kierans out there!

I did, however, join the Labor Party at the age of 16 back in the mid-1990s. I remember some interesting stuff, and it left an impression on me. I eventually drifted away and I think I was 19 when I went to my last meeting. I got disillusioned with the hacks and sleazebags, the way Head Office would constantly piss from a great height upon the very people who supported the party so much, the lack of meaningful democracy in the party, the hive-mind attitude in which anybody who had an unorthodox view on any issue was distrusted and tagged as a potential “rat”.

I still draw inspiration from the old-school working-class people who turned up to every meeting month in, month out. The men and women who got out there on 5°C mornings or in the driving rain handing out how to vote cards and stuffing letterboxes, who bought as many raffle tickets as they could afford (even those on the aged pension) – the train drivers, the nurses, the retired fitters and turners, the Telecom technicians, the secretaries – not because they were in it for themselves, but because they were motivated by a vision of a fair, egalitarian society in which those who produce this country’s wealth have a say in how that wealth is shared.

I still believe in the old Labor ideals of socialism and equality. Ben Chifley’s “Light On The Hill” speech makes my heart leap every time I read it. It’s just such a shame that, though the Light On The Hill burns as brightly as ever in the hearts of so many Australians, it no longer so much as flickers within the ALP.

As for my current job – no, I’m not a political hack. I’m quite happy being no more than an interested observer of public affairs. I’m currently at uni studying full-time to become an urban planner, I graduate next year, and I work at a servo part-time which gives me ample opportunity to study close up the retail habits of the bogan.

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

I hear you, UR. When I was a young sprog just developing my political views, my uncle took me to an ALP meeting and I experienced the same things you did. I found the Libs to be the same.

Honestly, the day doesn’t go by when I think about setting up my own political party. Only problem is, no one would vote for me.

15 04 2011
Vviv2

I would Ash! If you pass a few bills limiting bogan activities like breeding, driving like idiots, breeding, gobbing off in public, breeding, glassing, breeding….. 😀 Deal?

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

There will be a tax on all children produced. I won’t legislate on driving like an idiot because I like to do it myself. And glassing will be recognised as an appropriate punishment for bogan-related crimes.

However, I would also implement plenty of policies that would anger the TBL libtards.

15 04 2011
Vviv2

Dare I ask???

15 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I have views on boatpeople similar to Pauline Hanson and on Islam similar to Geert Wilders. Let’s just leave it at that before I get my marching orders from this site for good.

I will say, though, that I only developed these views after spending eight months working in Bankstown Hospital and reading the Koran for myself.

16 04 2011
Mick

That’s it. It’s not funny any more. It’s too real. And disturbing

*Mick turns around and looks at the moonlight reflecting off the ocean, entranced by the beauty of the last thing he will ever see. He begins his long walk…*

16 04 2011
urbanreverie

Oh Mick! Next week’s episode will be a lot lighter! I promise! 🙂

15 04 2011
shakPower

HAHA absolutely brilliant! suspiciously accurate though, sounds like first-second hand experience rather than a fertile imagination . either way its brilliant. cant wait for the next one….

15 04 2011
Pandabater

You’ve stepped it up this week urban, 6 characters plus bogues.
Mighty stuff. Keep it up.

Meanwhile back to the post, the bogan
plays the pokies because it “always” wins.

15 04 2011
Davo

There is a trick with pokies. If you play for small profits and change machine as soon as you win $1, you can walk away with more money. But who the fuck can be bothered to sit at a pokie for 2 hours trying to win $20. Get rid of pokies and lower the liquor licence fee.

16 04 2011
Davo

I doubt sir Bruce the Pokie Lord, has ever ventured out of Toorak to visit colonies of his empire. The shit pubs that used to be ok, but now have a main bar, sports bar, bistro, bottleshop, and pokies. And a car park, in case you live to far away and cant catch a cab or walk.

16 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Cause who cares about drink driving laws, right.

17 04 2011
Davo

Bogans think they’re immune to drink driving laws because they cant work without a license. So the guvment has to let em off or they cant work and it’ll fuck up the whole economy.

18 04 2011
Mick

They then complain about the cost of hiring legal type people to handle their work licence request and never, NEVER, contemplate that getting a gutful and running from the police was a bad thing.

No, it’s a fecking nanny state run by Nazis.

18 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

You can tell the ones that did not get a work licence. Hi vis work shirt and boots, wobbling uncomfortably on a bicycle.

I always hope they get lots of Hiluxs and Chevadores driving past them screaming “get a car”.

18 04 2011
Davo

I ride in hi vis and work boots. It’s safer.

18 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Where they leave the junkies and rool criminals alone to go after honest hard working Ozzies.

18 04 2011
18 04 2011
p'bee

love the girlfriend’s description of him as being ‘deeply emotional’. hilarious.

18 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

No way! Lifted straight from the pages of the “Bogue and Boguette Show”

18 04 2011
Danny

Spewin’ (straight from the bogan dictionary, naturellement!) they didn’t print the 5 y.o. daughter’s name. One can only imagine..
Now, back to the ad –
“Tellin’ us how much we can gamble – that’s unna-strayan.”
“Yeah, next thing they’ll be tellin’ us how much we can drink.”
“Or tellin’ us we can’t slap our missus around.”
“Or give a fuckin’ towelhead a kickin'”

18 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

It’s the skinny end of the wedgie I tell ya, fookin nanny state

Can’t glass carnts
Can’t just drop me empty iced coffee anywheres
Tellin me how to drive me fully sik Chevy with 22’s

This place is f*cked

18 04 2011
BoganStalker

Ten bucks says the daughters name is Maadysyyn….

18 04 2011
Mick

For the monarchist bogan. Fabulous.

https://www.royalring.com/

18 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

All bogans who care are monarchists, Mick. Not that they care about the head of state argument – they just know that the royal family are celebrities, and celebrities are awesome.

18 04 2011
Mick

Noted.

19 04 2011
devil's advocate

This just in – the coles/woolworths price war has now extended to premix bourbon and cola.

http://www.news.com.au/business/coles-first-choice-and-woolworths-dan-murphy-price-war-hits-bundaberg-and-jim-beam/story-e6frfm1i-1226041377812

Oh.

Yeah.

19 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Coles First Choice responded with its own price slashes last week and undercut Woolworth’s prices for Bundaberg at $62.70 and Jim Beam at $59.70.

Dan Murphys then cut its prices on both items by a further 10 cents

10 F*cking cents people.
*rushs out to get in car and drive across to Dan Murphys*

Actually I’ve never bought UDL’s. No idea they were so expensive. What’s a bottle cost $30?

19 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

RTDs are just plain nasty. Sugar, grain spirit, colourings; all manner of horrid crap.

15 02 2012
John Murray

Seems to have worked for all those American and Japanese cat companies!

The biggest bogans would have to be Australian politicians that keep throwing billions of dollars at “our car industry”

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