The bogan will tell you that, unlike the non-bogan, it has an innate and entire grasp of the Real World. The bogan’s real world contains heaps of things bogans like, such as road rage, killing things, and interest free finance for enormous plasma screens. But, being the real world, sometimes there are also things that bogans do not at all like. Arguably the foremost downside of the real world is the bogan’s exposure to the consequences of its ill-considered actions. Oftentimes, the bogan calls on the government to “do something”. The rest of the time, it calls on Richard Mercer.
From 8pm to midnight Sunday to Thursday, Richard’s baritone words are on hand to sooth the anxious bogan in the form of his successful radio show “Love Song Dedications”. How was the bogan to know that cheating on its boyfriend with its boyfriend’s brother was going to jeopardise its relationship? All the bogan knows is that it wants everything back to normal, and that Richard is the central plank in this restorative process. All the bogan needs to do is call Richard, wail disjointedly on the radio for 20 seconds, and then Richard will unveil his chocolatey tones to announce that everything in the real world will turn out just fine. This modern day version of a church confessional comes with the added bogan broadcast bonus of airing its dirty laundry to a wider audience than is possible at the pub.
After being informed by Richard that “it sounds like you really do care for him”, the bogan agrees blubberingly and awaits the first bars of “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” by Michael Bolton. It knows that its penance has been served, and that it is only a matter of time before the estranged lover comes scuttling back into its lecherous arms. It does not occur to the bogan that there is an infinitesimally small chance that the intended recipient is actually listening to the show, and that it’s far more likely that they’re out on the prowl for someone who isn’t idiotic enough to think that Richard Mercer’s velvet coated dungeon is a valuable diplomatic instrument.
Meanwhile, Richard ploughs on; his unbreakable job security underpinned by the tens of thousands of bogans whose decision-making skills make them ticking time bombs for desperate love song dedications down the track. Dubbed the “Love God” by listeners and the Mix FM network of broadcasters, this luckless deity is consigned to a weekly 20 hour dosage of bogan hell for all eternity.