#220 – Richard Mercer

28 03 2011

The bogan will tell you that, unlike the non-bogan, it has an innate and entire grasp of the Real World. The bogan’s real world contains heaps of things bogans like, such as road rage, killing things, and interest free finance for enormous plasma screens. But, being the real world, sometimes there are also things that bogans do not at all like. Arguably the foremost downside of the real world is the bogan’s exposure to the consequences of its ill-considered actions. Oftentimes, the bogan calls on the government to “do something”. The rest of the time, it calls on Richard Mercer.

From 8pm to midnight Sunday to Thursday, Richard’s baritone words are on hand to sooth the anxious bogan in the form of his successful radio show “Love Song Dedications”. How was the bogan to know that cheating on its boyfriend with its boyfriend’s brother was going to jeopardise its relationship? All the bogan knows is that it wants everything back to normal, and that Richard is the central plank in this restorative process. All the bogan needs to do is call Richard, wail disjointedly on the radio for 20 seconds, and then Richard will unveil his chocolatey tones to announce that everything in the real world will turn out just fine. This modern day version of a church confessional comes with the added bogan broadcast bonus of airing its dirty laundry to a wider audience than is possible at the pub.

After being informed by Richard that “it sounds like you really do care for him”, the bogan agrees blubberingly and awaits the first bars of “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” by Michael Bolton. It knows that its penance has been served, and that it is only a matter of time before the estranged lover comes scuttling back into its lecherous arms. It does not occur to the bogan that there is an infinitesimally small chance that the intended recipient is actually listening to the show, and that it’s far more likely that they’re out on the prowl for someone who isn’t idiotic enough to think that Richard Mercer’s velvet coated dungeon is a valuable diplomatic instrument.

Meanwhile, Richard ploughs on; his unbreakable job security underpinned by the tens of thousands of bogans whose decision-making skills make them ticking time bombs for desperate love song dedications down the track. Dubbed the “Love God” by listeners and the Mix FM network of broadcasters, this luckless deity is consigned to a weekly 20 hour dosage of bogan hell for all eternity.


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181 responses

28 03 2011
Robbie

haha….this is gold!
There’s something about the name Richard – Richard Mercer, Richard Wilkins, Richard Marx that appeals to the bogan. It may have something to do with it’s slang term “DICK”

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I’ve never heard of this but luckily in Adelaide we have an equivalent. Sunday nights on 3d radio is The Prison Dedication Show and it is comedy gold.

“Dozer wants to send out all his love to Shazza from cell block D, he is sorry he f*cked up again and glassed that c*nt. He can’t wait to see you, Aiden, Jaiden, Brayden and Kaiden again in 2 years and he loves ya babe .”

Perhaps today we should nominate worst love songs ever.

Bette Midler – Wind Beneath my Wings.

28 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Worst love song ever?

Barry Manilow – Mandy

28 03 2011
clipper

The original of this song by Scott English (called Brandy) isn’t as hideous as the Manilow version, so on that basis I wouldn’t class it as the worst love song. I would go for Charlene, as several others have done or Lionel Ritchie and Hello (and of course anything by Michael Bolton)

28 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

TISM (there’s always room for a TISM anecdote from Teh Bag) once had the honour of hosting ABC TV’srage in May 1995, hot on the heels of their unexpectedly successful Machiavelli And The Four Seasons.

Instead of the usual fare from most guest programmers—you know, the usual videos so beloved by the critics who determine credibility (I’m thinking The Beatles’ “Strawberry Fields Forever”, The Saints’ “(I’m) Stranded” and Bowie’s “Ashes To Ashes”, and other similarly “groundbreaking” vids), presented by whichever flavour-of-the-month band, usually inarticulate and/or stoned out of their gourd (often both)—TISM used this opportunity to showcase all the sorts of videos that Critic’s Darlings Anonymous wouldn’t touch with a bargepole!

Thus, to open proceedings, they had a Ted Mulry mini-marathon, along with similar treatments for illustrious “artists” like Milli Vanilli, Bros., and quite a few who made the roll call of “Jung Talent Time”. Not to mention playing a 20-minute ambient piece by Brian Eno (as perhaps a sop to the Cred Army, just to show how far their heads were up their collective clackers), which was leavened by a selection of some of the more sickly saccharine love songs of the 70s and 80s, featuring Michael Bolton (“How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?”, Lionel Richie (“Hello”), Dan Hill (“Sometimes When We Touch”), Barry Manilow (“Can’t Smile Without You”) and Captain & Tennille (“Love Will Keep Us Together”).

That, combined with their antics, such as bemoaning falling shares whilst reading the Financial Review, cussing about being stuck at the right-hand arrow at the lights at Flemington Road and performing their own take of the rage theme all the dressed with their string mophead balaclavas, would have ensued a great number of people turning off in disgust, as well as winning over a few new fans with their offbeat humour; I was already interested in them at this stage, but this forever cemented my loyalty and love of Australia’s Masked Sacred Cow Abattoirs.

29 03 2011
Edward

I have fond memories of a Saturday episode, featuring the then re-formed Devo. They departed from the usual formula of selection of 3 to 5 hours from the checklist, followed by the artist or bands catalogue of videos after 4 a.m.

Devo programmed in their own material. There were a surprisingly large number of them, with the same stock-footage grabs, augmented by some videography of the band, but those were recycled from video to video, too. Very little money had ever been spent on audio-visual support for the bands product.

They made a statement in doing this. Asked “What music do you like ?”, they replied (in effect)” Didn’t you read the manifesto ?. No-ones”.

31 03 2011
Clairebbbear

I expect a TISM reference from you each post, ‘mkay?

Did you get the album Surface Paradise by ROOT! (the sadly now-defunct band featuring Damien Cowell aka Humphrey B Flaubert?

It’s basically a concept album about modern-day boganity. I’d almost rate it better than any of TISM’s, at least for consistency.

But now ROOT! are no more, TISM really need to reform. I want updated versions of Jung Talent Time and Big Fucking Whooppee, for a start. Plus Thou Shalt Not Britney Spear doesn’t work so well these days.

31 03 2011
Vviv2

Clairebbbear help!!
I’ve tried looking them up, but I can find no trace of ROOT!
Any ideas of where I can at least get an idea of their stuff please?

31 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Bag O’ can help…

The Root Compendium: this website may be moribund, but unlike the official band site, this still exists as a handy resource.

1 04 2011
Vviv2

Thanx BO’T
Tuning in now… 😀

31 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

@Clairebbbear

I certainly did…as well as the signed poster that you could get with the album if you bought it online from JB HiFi. Furthermore, I had the guys autograph all three discs (the debut album Root Supposed He was Out Of The Question and the “Get Up Yourself” EP) when I saw them in Sydney in September ’09 and the icing on the cake was having a lengthy chat to Damian Cowell prior to the following Hobart gig, whereby he complimented me on “engaging him in intelligent conversation” about The Kinks (we’re both mad keen on that band; he had a ROOT! song “I Met Ray Davies”, recalling meeting him when he didn’t have a clue about their legacy back in the early 80s) and The Beatles’ Mono Box, as well as appreciating my tenacity in following the band to the Apple Isle. BTW, both shows were excellent and he was just as lively in the DC Root persona as he was when he called himself Humphrey, albeit with less crazy choreography (the fact that the members of TISM are nudging 50 would put paid to any ideas of reunion shows, as they’re probably a little too old for their vigorous stage act!).

31 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Oh yeah. The thoughts are blazing along akin to a runaway locomotive…

I too agree that Surface Paradise stacks up as a concept album, being almost a catalogue of the sexed-up vanity of the CUB, particularly “Orange People” and “Famous For Being Famous For Being Famous”. But the best—if not for narrative like the former—is TISM’s http://www.tism.wanker.com of 1998, in its almost evenly alternating dichotomy between each track about “wankers” and “yobbos”, each one being almost a character portrait of each type: “Whatareya” compares the duality in a binary manner, in that you’re either one or the other; “(There’s Gonna Be) Sex Tonite”, “Been Caught Wankin'”,, “I Might Be A Cünt, But I’m Not A Fücking Cünt”, “Great Expectorations” and “The Men’s Room” are all about those concerned and/or aspirant people who could be loosely described in this framework as “wankers”; The yobbos are portrayed in “Dumb ‘n’ Base”, “Thunderbirds Are Coming Out”, “Denial Works For Me”, “The Parable Of Glenn McGrath’s Haircut”, “Yob” (well, obviously…) and “A Hard-Earned Thirst Needs A Big Cold Beer, But I Drink To Get Pissed” with their irresponsible, apathetic and boorish manner.

Wry social commentary, rapier wit, absurd song titles, incongruous sampling (the Vietnamese standup comics on “Hard Earned Thirst” was deliciously baffling, as much as the “nika, nika, nika-nika” in the “I Might Be A Cünt” chorus was amusing to sing along to) and cheesy electro beats are all present-and-correct; throw in a few little extras (for instance, the late Tokin’ Blackman’s tasteful Rickenbacker 12-string jangle accompaniment to the warped campfire chorus of “I’ve gone and p¡ssed thirty years up against the wall” of “The Men’s Room” is delightful foil to the pathos of that line, not to mention the full-length bonus disc Att Shock Records: Faulty Pressing Do Not Manufacture that fooled some rackjobbers with the mock CD-R with the titled scrawled in texta, thinking it was erroneously packaged) and wrap it up in a theme, you have what I believe to be TISM’s most complete album, which only got better when the demos of the long rumoured No Penis—No God sessions finally surfaced as a bonus bonus on the iTunes version of this album.

Anyway, in saying that, I feel that TISM were (or for that matter, are) a national treasure and have added much to the cultural landscape of Australia and particularly of their hometown of Melbourne, whereby they continued the fine Australian tradition of skewering the pompous, precious and self-serving in all strata of contemporary society in which they inhabited. And in being denizens of what Sydneysiders and Perthites called Bleak City, they were well positioned to take point blank aim at the bogan, of which Melbourne, despite being Australia’s most overtly cultural centre, is also its heartland. And take aim they did, with not just the original ones of the Western Suburbs (the term “bogan” first appeared in their discography in “The Foster’s Car Park Boogie” back in 1988), but at the emerging CUB and NaB subgroups on the rise in the ever-sprawling South Eastern Suburbs.

With these two cliques now expanding in number and consumption, we need TISM these days more than ever to staunch their spread.

We want TISM back!

1 04 2011
king oath ray

Bag O’ everything you say about TISM is true……..they were never commercially successful although that wasn’t their thing anyway. Too many good songs to mention but checking out the clip for ‘Whatareya’ is always worth it

And ‘Mandy’ was made into something better by the Gimme Gimmes, as usual

4 04 2011
brad

The Fosters Car Park Boogie was in reference to The Fosters Hotel in Dangdenong a bonefide glassin barn if ever there was one.In the 70,s and 80,s Dangdenong,Noble Park,Doveton were true bogan enclaves but they grew up and left the area to melbournes endless tide of immigrants from non-english speaking backgrounds.
Their spawn continue the glassin tradition in places such as Narre,Berwick,Hallam and Pakenham

1 04 2011
Clairebbbear

Great story M. Bag!

If TISM did reform the original members could just stand there playing their instruments. They could get a bunch of young-uns to don masks, push around lawnmowers, stage dive etc.

TISM’s demise shattered the dream of my other half – to be one of those guys who hang around on stage getting all the accolades without any musical expertise. Now there’s only the X Factor left as an avenue for that.

30 03 2011
kingoath ray

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes make it listenable

1 04 2011
Rob

That Lady In Red song by some 80’s name is a complete dry retch. And that Eric Clapton one about (whoever it was who later divorced him) Looking Wonderful Tonight.

28 03 2011
MeAgain

Hahaha! I wish we had the same prison show in Melb.

29 03 2011
kingoath ray

4zzz Brisbane on Monday nights for the prison show. Full of bogan laments (shouldna done this or that, not guilty, love ya, see ya soon etc) plus rather disturbing and detailed pornographic descriptions of what the bogan is planning to do to their significant other/s post release

29 03 2011
Tombarina

Dear God, that sounds truly loathsome. Thanks for the heads-up – I’ll be tuning in next week!

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Oh wow Simon, it would be worth living in Adelaide just to hear that show!!

29 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I’m pretty sure you could get it off the interweb, 3d radio, if you are more technically competent than me!

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I don’t think I am, so I’ll have to forgo the pleasure 😦

29 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I had a look at their web site and they don’t appear to broadcast on the web. Bummer for youse all.

29 03 2011
Willard

You can’t say that 3D doesn’t cater for all taste can you? And the dude who hosts the show has the prefect voice for it doesn’t he? He just has that little sprinkling of ground schooner glass smoothed over with a pouch of White Ox to make it real.

28 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Love Song Dedications is the cathartic release my girlfriend and I enjoy listening to, purely for the lulz. Even if we’re both driving home in separate cars from whatever function we attend (mostly trivia), we both tune into the same station and watch the reaction of one another at the red lights to each putrid confession of love and/or lust.

Mercer only has probably 20 love song staples on rotation per night for each typical request. The sad thing is that most of these poor sods are only re-entering the community after serving time and long after a certain “Shazza” has long left them and jumped on the bandwagon of some other reprobate promising them the world and so much more.

28 03 2011
p'bee

love song dedications is comdey gold. one of my few skills is to be able to do the richard mercer voice when i’m sick.

28 03 2011
Lyodd Mongleton

I am fortunate enough to have never heard of this program, but it sounds like the kind of mindless garbage that would be dished out on the Austereo Network for the brainless masses that are incapable of and/or unwilling to exercise independent thought.

28 03 2011
duxlux

Thanks for the warning TBL. I was wondering where my old 1980’s power ballads found a happy home.

I’m channeling Heart’s ‘What About Love’ and Huey Lewis’s ‘The Power of Love’ to you right to you Rebekkkah. Don’t go on hens nights to see Manpower anymore OK.

28 03 2011
martin

Listening to the radio bar ABC is bogan period. I put on Triple M for a laugh in the car about a month ago. It had that Pink Floyd song “Learning to Fly”. So I thought ok this is alright I haven’t heard this in a while. Then I just go back to my usual flicking through dumb arse bogan talkback shit, abc libtard shit, then about a week or two later I put it on Triple M again and it had that Pink Floyd song on “Learning to Fly”.

Why do they do this? There are tonnes of good Floyd songs. F#cken retards.

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

They must have changed because usually Wish you were here is the Floyd of choice.

28 03 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

Hey! Another Brick in the wall always gets the nod. Because it really speaks to the Bogan.
“We don’t need no education”
Completely oblivious to the beauty of the double negative.
“yeah, thats faarkin right, we don’t need no edumacation”

28 03 2011
AFR

I read the whole thing using the Love God’s voice in my head. I feel better already.

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Go and have a shower now!

28 03 2011
dirksnews

This site is amazing. Given I never voluntarily subject myself to commercial radio I had no idea this specific hilarity existed, however the description alone was enough for a great chuckle. Bravo.

Thanks for the laughs!

28 03 2011
MeAgain

That is gold! Sometimes I make people listen to Richard just to torture them. Sometimes we need to use a sick bag..

28 03 2011
MeAgain

THIS is the best bogan love song of all time. I’m sure Richard has played it many, many times…

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Was that really called for? It is a song about masturbation BTW.

28 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

I’d say it’s quite apt that a song about self love is used to comment on an article about public expressions of nonreciprocating love…

If they loved someone so much, they should tell it to them directly (AVOs and restraining orders pending).

28 03 2011
James Hunter

Simon ,
would that be viv’s love song?

28 03 2011
Vviv2

NO!

Now THAT’S a love song…

28 03 2011
Tone

You’re thinking of ‘She Bop’ by Cyndi Lauper

28 03 2011
Vviv2

Is it really? That puts it in a whole new perspective!
Just listened to it & LMAO…

28 03 2011
Boort

another song about self satisfaction… ‘where do you goto my lovely’ by peter sarstedt…
i think its the piano accordian that gets people girating

28 03 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

I see your Charlene and raise you a Taylor Dayne “Tell it to my heart”

“I’ll be your shelter”

Try to resist the retuning bogan after a love tryst with your brother/sister with this music playing in your ears.

28 03 2011
p'bee

the crimped hair is enough to warn me off listening to that one.

28 03 2011
concern troll

Why am I the only one that thinks this bint’s vocal stylings actually sounds like she has a bubble of thick phlegm in her throat?

29 03 2011
Tombarina

Meh.

I’ve been to me. It was overrated.

28 03 2011
MeAgain

No it isn’t! That Charlene song is about how unfulfilled all women are unless they marry some asshole, breed & die. Let’s face it, what else is a bogan going to do with their life?? It is the full bogan dream.

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

The message of the song is she has been f*cked senseless by kings in Greece etc, had abortions, got married but has never diddled herself.

28 03 2011
James Hunter

Simon,
What a sheltered life, she hasnt lived. !

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Yep, she got around that Charlene.

28 03 2011
Fiona of Carlton

I don’t think listening to Love Song Dedications is bogan. It’s the belief that somehow you’ll win your beloveds heart by dedicating a generic song that 40 000 people have picked before you is.

28 03 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

Very good point. As with everything it is the thought pattern behind it that make it bogan.

28 03 2011
MeAgain

You cannot compare Taylor Dayne to Charlene. Charlene requires a massive bucket for projectile vomiting, Taylor Dayne is just a little cheesy.

29 03 2011
barkeep @ the Ye Olde Glassing Barn

Wasn’t comparing just nominating some great material for the show.

But come on “a little cheesy” a little?
More cheese than a pizza those ones.

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Psychology teaches us that thoughts lead to actions. Bogan thoughts = Bogan actions.
Normal people – “I like [insert song]”.
Action – listen to song.

Bogan – “urrrrrrr I stuffed up, i gotta get her back and Jaidynn and Tiarsha and JesyK’ha I love ‘er an’ sh** I feel like crap my life is s***, me commodore needs new mags like brocky’s, it was just sex, stupid bitch …oh i need u baby, come back, i love u babe, u…i’m outta smokes…hey, the radio’s on…”
Action – Talk to Richard Mercer

Disclaimer: the bogan’s thoughts may not be as coherent as represented.

28 03 2011
Lisa Murray

The only time I’ve ever heard this radio show is on my way home in a taxi after a night out! I reckon cab drivers must be at least 80% bogans.

28 03 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

The ones who aren’t dirty curry immigants, that is.

30 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Tonight on ACA “Sleazy foreign cabbies ripping off rool ozies”

Them dirty immigants trying to cop a feel of our sheilas or steal our money. I’m outraged!

30 03 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

If I didn’t like you, that would be a glass-worthy offense. Knowing what was on ACA, that is.

31 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

They advertised it during Top Gear. And that was a f*cking repeat. I hate nein!

31 03 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

The only TV I watch these days is sports.

31 03 2011
AntiPajero

It’s easy to know what’s on, or going to be on ACA/TT. You just put a bunch of boganbait phrases on a dartboard and play a hand. Of darts.
Or just modify the wedding vow generator…

“The council from hell is planning to build a prostitute-ridden shooting gallery right next to a primary school and there’s nothing you can do about it because of local bylaws from hell! It’s beaurocracy gone mad! And guess what?? YOU PAY THE BILL!!”

“Dodgy migrant tradies from hell with fat children who rip you off at the checkout every time you buy Australian! It’s multiculturalism gone mad! And guess what?? YOU PAY THE BILL!!”

“Renters from hell ripping off hardworking elderly war veterans by claiming the dole for their lesbian left handed linedancer defactoes! It’s political correctness gone mad! And guess what?? YOU PAY THE BILL!!”

28 03 2011
Lisa M

The only time I’ve ever heard this radio show is on my way home in a taxi after a night out! I reckon cab drivers must be at least 80% bogans.

28 03 2011
lolplates

The best ones are when they come out on the radio, but the person they desire is staunchly hetero.

28 03 2011
Richard Mercer

what’s wrong with LS&D? I listen to it every night. It’s the healing process for the nation!

28 03 2011
p'bee

a future episode of the bogue and boguette show has to feature a phone call to love song dedications.

28 03 2011
shakPower

Richard who?

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

LOL I thought the same thing, but the bogan confessional explains it all. I’m sure every city has a Richard Mercer equivalent, just as every parish has a priest.

29 03 2011
Willard

I hope not! Mind you, if it ain’t ABC or indie radio I wouldn’t tune in anyway.

30 03 2011
Gold Coaster

I’m like you, but I listen to Jazz Radio only.

4 04 2011
Willard

Shame Adelaide’s 3D isn’t broadcast on web – Saturday morning Hillbilly Helpline is a blast.

28 03 2011
Son of Duane

For some very strange reason not known to me, my mother would tune in almost every night to hear this ‘Love God’.
However, whenever we’re both in the car, we’d have a good laugh every time a dedication came on the air, whether it’s a poem the caller found on the Internet, how another would “miss them very much” despite their constant fights and whatnot.

28 03 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

A few years ago, my mum was giving me a ride home from a concert when this guy came on. I don’t remember the song or what he was saying, all I remember is pointing out to Mum that he sounded like a cross between a rapist and a porn star.

Normally she would have gotten mad at me for discussing such things, but this time she just nodded. “Yeah. He does.”

Thankfully she didn’t ask how I knew what a porn star sounded like.

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

You shouldn’t go to P!nk concerts either Ash.

28 03 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

It was Nine Inch Nails, thank you very much Simon.

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Yeah, sure it was.

28 03 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Don’t make me glass you.

29 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Hey guys, if you’re gonna have a glassing, can I at least invite you to WA’s bogan mecca, Mandurah? There was a glassing incident over the weekend, which seems apt given the area’s demographic, where two acquaintances had a barney which descended into a glass attack.

Sheer class…at least I know you will have an appreciative audience there 😛

28 03 2011
Will S

Anyone from NSW familiar with the work of the “Super” Radio Network?

All the rednecks fit to broadcast.

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

This is the cheesiest piece of cheese since the cheesemasters convention was held in cheeseville and hosted by captain cheese mc cheese!

Oh, and Ash, how do you know what a rapist sounds like?

28 03 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I don’t, and now that you say it I’m even more surprised I didn’t get yelled at by mum. I must have been on the money.

28 03 2011
MeAgain

No need for Richard Marx please!! I almost regurgitated my chicken salad..

28 03 2011
duxlux

Now I can’t get this song out of my freakin’ head. Out demons, out!

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

You certainly don’t want this one stuck in your brain Dux.

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Why can’t I embed. Sheez.

28 03 2011
Vviv2


There you go Simon

28 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Thanks Viv2! My embedding powers have deserted me. Or the baby jesus did not want that posted up.

28 03 2011
MeAgain

Top this!! Go on! (just listen to the lyrics… bleeeeuugh!!!)

28 03 2011
AFR

I think the song title should have been – “all i wanna do is have cheap meaningless sex with you, sans condom” – perhaps its not very catchy though.

29 03 2011
MeAgain

Nice!

31 03 2011
Mick

Ah yes, I remember 80’s Heart. When this dross hit the airwaves I was courting a girl from a paticularly bogan family. Nice folk but no idea. These good people knew that I had 70’s Heart on high rotation (that music was awesome to a 12 year old!) and thought I would love this…because once you like a band you like all of there stuff, right? Wrong.

I listened to it and burst out laughing. This offended them greatly. I think they used to pull it out and play it just to annoy me. The rest of the time it sat next to REO Speedwagon…unloved and unplayed.

28 03 2011
DuxLux

Still choking on the first Heart number. Surely this can’t be worse…OK yes it is.

28 03 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Before everyone piles on Heart, remember they did this

29 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

And this too…very suggestive of jailbaiting, one must think…

29 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Like Simon, I’ve been hit by the embedding devil: FYI, the track is “Magic Man”, their first ever hit from 1976.

29 03 2011
Blueballs

Magic Man rocked! Then they inexplicably become shyt in the 80’s, but then again, they weren’t on their own there either.

29 03 2011
MeAgain

Come on! Barracuda was good. Love chick rock. Not enough around these days..

29 03 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

I agree on all counts. I posted it as a defence for Heart.

29 03 2011
Vviv2

Here you go Ash…More chick rock

29 03 2011
Willard

This is a good example of what happens to great bands that bent over for bogan-pleasing record company execs in the 80s. Bogans – is there nothing they are responsible for ruining???

28 03 2011
Pandabater

Living under an escarpment, things can pass over you without your knowledge. Thankfully this is one of those fortunate geographical anomalies & therefore I have no idea who the fark Richard Mercer is.
Does it work? Can the bogan forgive?

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I don’t know if Richard Mercer helps, but the bogan sure can forgive. It can forgive celebrities, but more to the point, it can go back to an abusive partner (that being said, domestic abuse is not just a bogan thing and it can be hard for the victim to break free of the psychological conditioning/codependency issues that come from a long cycle of abuse) and when Kyeliesha goes back to Dwayne after he’s slept with Kyeliesha’s sister Tameeka and also gotten Breaannaa in the deli section pregnant.

28 03 2011
duxlux

Hey Simon,

I can feel the love in that one mate. Angry Anderson going all gooey on us was quite a feat, even for Rose Tattoo fans.

31 03 2011
chris

Saw him briefly on either ACA or TT pissing and moaning about his local council lopping the wrong trees or summink. Didn’t look very rock n roll… more like a sad looking elderly uncle.

1 04 2011
Rob

Well, elderly, heavily tattooed midget rock has beens deserve a place on ACA or TT

28 03 2011
shakPower

do people still listen to radio in this age of tvs and playstations and 3D nintendo DS?
the bogan is retarded!

28 03 2011
Vviv2

?? This is news how Shak??
This is normality when you’re a bogan, & you can’t play AC/DC ALL the time when driving… 😀

28 03 2011
DuxLux

I’m getting Mannix Depression listening to this.

29 03 2011
Tombarina

There was a big push to have this as the signature ditty for my Year 12 formal.

Apart from hating the song, I suggested it was a superfluous question, as at least 70pc of the graduating class would still be within a $10 cab ride of the country town high school a half-century hence.

This logic did not go down well. The song was played INTERMINABLY. Twenty years down the track, however, my argument is yet to be disproved. Take THAT, bitches.

28 03 2011
Vviv2

28 03 2011
Emjay

I upset a few people at work when I suggested that most of the callers sounded like they came from Mt Druitt!

29 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

Epic F#cking Win. Make sure you hear all the lyrics. I demand some sort of prize.

29 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

teh Floaters.
LoL

29 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

extreme low bandwidth version:

Aquarius and my name is Ralph
Now I like a woman who loves her freedom
And I like a woman who can hold her own
And if you fit that description, baby, come with me
Take my hand, come with me, baby, to Love Land
Let me show you how sweet it could be
Sharing love with me, I want you to
Float, float on (Come on, come on,
(Come on, baby, yeah, yeah)
Float on, float on (Ooh, ooh, baby)
Float, float, float on
Float on (Float with me), float on

Libra and my name is Charles
Now I like a woman that’s quiet
A woman who carries herself
Like Miss Universe
A woman who would take me in her arms
And she would say, Charles, yeah
And if you fit that description
This is for you especially
Mmm, take my hand
Come with me, baby, to Love Land
Let me show you how sweet it could be
Sharing loving with me, I want you to
Float, float on (Girl, yes)
Float on, float on (With Charles)
Float, float, float on (Ooh, yeah)
Float on, float on

Leo and my name is Paul
You see I like all women of the world
You see to me all women are wild flowers
And if you understand what I’m sayin’
I want you to
Mmm, take my hand
Come with me, baby, to Love Land
Let me show you how sweet it could be
Sharing love with me, I want you to
Float, float on (So float with me, baby)
Float on, float on (Yeah)
Float, float, float on (Float with Paul, y’all)
Float on, float on

Cancer and my name is Larry, huh
And I like a woman
That loves everything and everybody
Because I love everybody and everything
And you know what, ladies,
If you feel that this is you
Then this is what I want you to do
Ooh, yeah, take my hand
Let me take you to Love Land
Let me show you how sweet it could be
Sharing your love with Larry, listen
Float, float on (You better float with me now)
Float on, float on (Float on)
Float, float, float on (Yeah, yeah)
(You better float on)
(Float on)
(Ah)

this bit was supposed to be at the beginning but

Aquarius, Libra, Leo, Cancer
Ralph, Charles, Paul, Larry
Float, float on
Float on, float on
Float, float, float on
Float on, float on
Float, float on
Float on, float on
Float, float, float on
Float on, float on
Float, float on
Float on, float on
Float, float, float on
Float on, float on
Aquarius, Libra, Leo, Cancer
Ralph, Charles, Paul, Larry

29 03 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I’m feeling aroused already, Chubmeister.

29 03 2011
Vviv2

OMG! That man could french kiss a moose!

29 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Chubby, try this one. Simultaneously one of the worst and funniest songs ever made. When The Tyler goes for the scream towards the end and completely f*cks it up I piss myself laughing every time.

What happened after Walk this Way guys? And now you are on Idol, shame, Steve, shame.

29 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Embed denied again, why lord why?

29 03 2011
Pandabater

Return serve. Cheech & Chong.

http://www.fozfan.com/?p=2568

29 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

and who the fuck is richard mercer?

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Father Richard Mercer, of the Bogan Parish of Melbourne (not all of Melbourne, just the Bogan parish whose cathedral is the glassin’ barn, whose saints are Warnie and Fev, and whose icons are not the madonna but the holy trinity of God the Commodore, God the Bundy Spirit and the little baby Hewitt. No offence to our Melbourne friends). Confess to him and you won’t go to Bogan purgatory.

29 03 2011
Vviv2

I think I’d rather be glassed! 😀

29 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

It’s fine, Melbourne is the trobbing heart of Boganity. Then they export their best products up your way.

29 03 2011
MeAgain

Melb is the culture capital, thank you very much! It is QLD as well as Sydney that is full to the brim with boagnity.

29 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Surely you jest? The GC is chocka with Victorian bred boganity. Even little Gazza is up there and he is bogan royalty.

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Yeah, we have a few. It all adds to the flavour! They’re mostly confined to certain suburbs. Besides, Surfside Holden and other purveyors of bogan accessories are part of our economy.

29 03 2011
Willard

I thought they’d all moved to SA where it’s a damn sight cheaper to live than any of the aforementioned cities. Bloody seems like it. Lots of repossessed Commondores sitting in car yards on Main North Road.

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

They mostly visit us. They can’t afford to move here so they come on holidays. We like it that way- they come by the planeload, dump their money, and go back home.

29 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/paulin-hanson-close-to-shock-win-in-new-south-wales-upper-house/story-e6freoof-1226029640843

And before any NSWers jump in with we’re not bogans check that out. How does that fruitcake get one vote let alone come close to a seat in parliament. F*cking bogans.

29 03 2011
p'bee

damnit! and i spent all that time numbering every single one of the 311 candidates just so i could put her last to try and keep her out.

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Hell she hasn’t even aged since I first saw her mug in 1997. That’s what you get for making a pact with the devil.

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Far out, she got ran out of her bogan town here, so she’s trying a different bogan area? Bogans.

29 03 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

I didn’t vote for her, but I don’t mind.

It’s good to know what the enemy is doing, and I personally find her tirades amusing.

29 03 2011
Davo

She hasn’t said anything more racist than you hear from any ethnic community leaders. She has no power and no backing. So why are people scared of her. I’m more worried about Family First and Christian Democrats, those fuckers scrare me.

29 03 2011
James Hunter

davo if you read her maiden speach in Federal Parliament and her book you will find that all she is askimg is for everyone to treated equally.
She was demonised and the public as always swallow whatever trype the media slings at them.
Grrrrrrrr

29 03 2011
Vviv2

& don’t the trash media love a victim they’re ALLOWED to hang shit on & ridicule?

29 03 2011
Willard

They have 127 comments (well, probably – I couldn’t bear reading them all) that clearly show that NSW needs Pauline. Good to see a class publication printing the comments of majority. Democracy in action! Yeehah!

30 03 2011
James Hunter

Yep the low lifes in the press had a field day while at the same time as putting shit on her Little Johnny Howard was busy busy stealing her ideas and making them his own !!

31 03 2011
Davo

Ive read her speech, i remember it well as i had to defend her in a debate at school. I had no chance of winning in a school full of try hard hippies and ethnic gangs.

30 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

I’m not scared of her. Like I said, I find her funny more than anything.

And yeah, Fred Nile gives me the shits.

3 04 2011
Davo

Adam Brandt for the Greens seat of Melbourne gives me the shits. I hope that smug little shit gets tossed out on his arse next election.

3 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I’m behind the Greens when they’re talking about environmental policy. I’m not behind them when they start spouting bullshit like this boycott of Israel. Yeah, let’s boycott the only democracy in the Middle East, a country which has made significant advances in technology which include renewable energy. Lee Rhiannon and her watermelon ilk can go fuck themselves as far as I’m concerned.

29 03 2011
Mr Q

Nah. I’m thinking that the true home of the modern bogan has to be here in Perth. The center of CUB on earth – for all modern things bogan, it would be hard to go past Bogandom Near The Sea, also known as Clarkson.

29 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

That area’s for the bogues who couldn’t secure sufficient credit fron the bank to move elsewhere along the Northern Coastal suburbs, where the true CUBs live, in their energy-guzzling Tuscanstrosity McMansions. Ergo Clarkson is also known by the appellation of Balga By The Sea, Balga being a mid-North suburb blighted by mass State Housing Commission developments during the 60s and early 70s, where plenty of OSBs were decamped to, many still remaining, of whom bred second and third-genereation welfare dependent OSBs who also call Balga (as well as adjacent Mirrabooka, Girrawheen and Koondoola) home.

Which then covers pretty much everywhere else within the City of Joondalup snd some of the newer estates of the City of Wanneroo as CUB Central, where philistinism is not merely a way of life, but a state of mind. The CUB quotient of that region is especially dense in both number and head.

30 03 2011
Mr Q

What scares me is the development of Alkimos. By the time that’s built up, merely going near the area will likely risk conversion to a bogan by the sheer masses of CUBs in the area. Clarkson might be Balga-by-the-Sea (and Rockingham’s long been Armadale-by-the-Sea), but I reckon Alkimos could top it all.

BTW, love the word “Tuscanstrosity” as a word to describe the worst forms of McMansions. A while back I rode my bike to the end of the coastal path at Burns. The houses there near the beach… scary.

29 03 2011
Vviv2

Just for something comepletely different….You have to admire this form of revenge….
http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-20047115-71.html?ttag=fbw

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

That is BRILLIANT! The sort of brilliant you get from the best cup of coffee you’ve ever had, along with the best slice of caramel mudcake in the world!!!

LOL serves the thief right for being a bogan. He’s not sorry he’s a thief, rather, he’s sorry he got caught being such a loser.

29 03 2011
Sheriff Struggle

Is that a power balance band on his arm? It doesn’t seem help his coordination. Dumb bogan.

29 03 2011
Tombarina

A God-given combo of larcenous, dumb and unco, with a hefty side-order of humiliation.

I love the interwebby.

29 03 2011
Pellicle

killing things? Hmm … hand a bogan a chook and a tomohawk and ask him to prepare dinner. Killing cane toads is one thing, killing something to eat is quite another.

Say, nigel … where did that chicken in your mcnuggetz come from then?

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

True. Or taking the hook out of the fish’s mouth.

29 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

As an antidote to all that cheese. Here is a love song that makes you tingle not vomit.

30 03 2011
Vviv2

LMAO…guilty as charged

29 03 2011
Vviv2

FFS Simon! Go outside n slap yourself! :-&

30 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Philistine!

29 03 2011
Fi

Attention TBL,
Please expect a call from Slater and Gordon shortly as I posted a small section about Richard Mercer on the TBL Facebook page a few months ago, rather similar to this.
I intend to purchase a McMansion with the out of court settlement I will receive.

Haha, we remember that post. Unfortunately, if you look in the book, this post features there, which means we’d written the piece by June 2010! TBL

30 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Now this is the only decent love song ever written.

30 03 2011
MeAgain

How about this one! It’s pretty cool though…

30 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Vastly underrated 10cc were, especially when Kevin Godley and Lol Creme were still in the band: a lot of clever wit (even in the above song, with the line “I keep your picture upon the wall/It hides a messy stain that’s lying there”) melded with highly advanced studiocraft for the era, an early example of layering multitudes of samples of backing vocals upon a sparse musical fame with tasteful synths to create an ethereal soundscape in that song. It certainly didn’t hurt that they were all very hands-on with production, to the extent that they built their own professional recording studio with a Helios 16-track console of their own design that was very well-regarded in recording circles of the time (the mixing desk is still in use, but somewhere other than the original Strawberry Studios they ran in Manchester).

31 03 2011
chris

Seconded, BoT. Not to mention their prolific catalogue of music videos. Still find it disturbing that some of the music I used to bong out to as a young ‘un is now cheesey department-store muzac.

31 03 2011
MeAgain

Great analysis Turnips. Knew somebody would appreciate. ;o)

1 04 2011
Rob

Whew BoT, you really put it out!
Dreadlock Holiday iz one of the greatest tunes EVER

1 04 2011
chris

Self-indulgent 70s art-rock at its glorious best:
http://www.lyricsondemand.com/0/10cclyrics/unenuitaparislyrics.html

4 04 2011
Willard

Godley & Creme had some awesome tunes too went they struck out on their own: ‘Cry’ for one. Hope that Mercer guy hasn’t rubbished that harrowing yet brilliant song on his show. The other great G&C tune was An Englishman In New York (nothing to do with that prat Sting).

8 04 2011
Phil

Can’t think of the name of the album, but the Godley an Creme song “The Party” (?) with the line “Who you gotta f*ck to get a drink around here” keeps me happy.

2 04 2011
Whistling Nixie

BoT, it wasn’t synthesizers used on “I’m Not in Love,” but multiple overdubs of vocals onto 16-track tape, with each track in turn dubbed onto 16 tracks, essentially creating a 256-track choral effect.

2 04 2011
Whistling Nixie

Ah yes, I see what you were saying; i.e. the same thing. They really had it together around the time of ‘Sheet Music’ and ‘The Original Soundtrack.’

13 04 2011
Augustina

TYVM you’ve solved all my porlmbes

30 03 2011
Vviv2

Or this?

30 03 2011
Vviv2

Okay…I’m soppy….I love this song!

30 03 2011
Whistling Nixie

Still don’t know how to embed YouTube videos… “Caroline” by Matching Mole (including Robert Wyatt):

30 03 2011
Vviv2

When you find the youtube video you want, click “share”, then copy the short URL address that appears below.
Paste that URL in this window, along with any comments you want….
😀

31 03 2011
Gold Coaster

Urge to glass rising.

31 03 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Best mate and fiancee want the first song at their wedding to be…(Drum roll please)…

And my band are performing. Our singer knows how to play the rhythm guitar part, so I’m swapping instruments with him. I am not going to miss the chance to let my inner 80s hairspray queen run wild here. Crotch thrusting, grinding on our female bassist, the worm, David Lee Roth kicks, you name it I’m gonna do it.

1 04 2011
Vviv2

Do they realise that this song was written for his beloved wife, whom he proceeded to beat within an inch of her life? Not once, but many times before she finally could take no more of his devotion & bolted, complete with AVO….
Indeed, good ol’ Axel is a king of bogans

That notwithstanding, I hope you have a ball….sounds like a great day!:-D

4 04 2011
Willard

That;s bogan love for ya!

4 04 2011
devil's advocate

TBL, time to drop the references to plasmas. That s–t is played out. It’s all LCD/LED or 3D now. Lift your game, we’re all relying on you to keep us up to date with bogan trends.

10 08 2011
Barb

Richard Mercer has a gorgeous voice, and it’s totally fun and harmless to tune in. Some are twits yes, but some are genuine lovers who want to declare their love. Big deal to you, bigger deal to some I guess. Some of the smutty sarcastic crap on radio today beggars belief.

6 12 2013
james singh

I listen to Richard Mercer every single night and I just love his voice 🙂 He is very good at his job and he really knows what he is doing!

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