As has been sufficiently covered hereabouts, the bogan likes things. Particularly compelling to the bogan are things it can buy. Big things, flashy things with mysterious properties, interest-free things, things powered by petrol, and even things that aren’t things. Following a concerted campaign by the Australian Chamber of Commerce and Industry, the bogan believes that it can also buy its kids a job. While the bogan has little interest in retraining itself or carrying out unpleasant tasks like driving taxis full of other drunken bogans, it nonetheless clings ardently to the idea that it always deserves a job, no matter what. As a result, it wants Indians to stop taking its job, and keenly awaits the invention of a driverless taxi.
To the bogan, buying Australian made is the retail equivalent of wearing a flag cape and punching on at the Big Day Out. That is to say, totally max true blue. It’s what the ANZACs would have done, had they not purchased British Lee-Enfield rifles for their victory at Gallipoli instead. In its generous attempts to buy its kids a job, the bogan will even buy as many Australian made houses as its pyramid-scheme-wary bank manager will allow it to, meaning that its kids will indeed have to work numerous jobs to ever be able to buy into the bogan-bloated property market.
With its canny, job-buying real estate investments in place, the bogan knows that it can add value to each property by making improvements to them. Off to Bunnings Warehouse the bogan will march, to buy as many water features, bathroom cabinets, and stainless steel splashbacks as its third credit card will permit. Thanks to Bunnings’ buying power, the bogan can secure more Chinese made products for its buck than ever before. As it turns out, while the bogan is fiercely vocal about buying Australian made, it is ultimately a short-sighted, self-interested cretin more interested in out-glitzing its neighbours.
This process was recently demonstrated by the bogan’s dear plasma provider Gerry Harvey, who dared to suggest that the retention of Australian jobs would require more of the bogan’s taxpayer dollars, and, helpfully, more dollars to Gerry. The backlash was as intense as it was fleeting. But with the story of Australian manufacturing and retailing currently off the front page of the newspaper, the bogan is happy to leave the situation unresolved, and return to the process of determining whether Ian Thorpe’s gut is currently larger than its own. Any attempt to alert the bogan to its internal inconsistencies will result in glassing with a Russian-made Ikea tumbler that costs only $1.49 each.
Indeed, while the bogan seems quite content to have its personal purchasing decisions expedite the collapse of the Australian automotive, textiles, clothing and footwear, and tyre manufacturing industries, it reserves the right to complain. Whenever a factory closure is announced, it will demand that its Japanese plasma TV harangue Julia Gillard into “doing something”. Its national duty thus served, the bogan will change the channel in time for Two and a Half Men, thus buying Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife’s lawyer a job.