#210 – Manly Diet Cola

24 01 2011

The female bogan has long been very interested in not being fat, and engaged in various fad diets, fleeting exercise regimens and superstitions, with the hope of attaining the physique of whichever starlet Richard Wilkins was polluting that week. The male bogan, meanwhile, was 10 blocks up the road, wolfing down beer and KFC at Shano’s house.

So too, was there a gulf between how the male and female bogan felt about diet cola. The female bogan embraced it with gusto from the outset, glad to have an image conscious method of carbo offsetting the nutritional villainy of fast food. The male bogan staunchly resisted all attempts to get it to drink diet cola. The idea of being on a diet made it feel faulty, disempowered, and feminine. All of these feelings were horrific beyond words to the alpha bogan, which prided itself on being manly and tough to the max.

Thankfully, Pepsi had an ear to the ground during the male bogan’s existential crisis. In December 1994, it gave the male a chance to be on a secret diet while propping up its paper thin self-esteem… to the MAX. The packaging was xtreme, the can was black instead of wimpy girly white/silver, and the font was aggressive. All of the elements were in place for the emerging product category of “maxtreme male diet cola”. Pepsi Max even sponsored the fastest rollercoaster in the world, to prove beyond doubt that the drink was super xtreme. They failed to mention to the bogan that it did not differ in any meaningful way from Diet Pepsi, and the male bogan was glad not to hear it.

After a decade of gradual progress, Pepsi Max was doing well. Coca-Cola looked across and remarked “we too, must make our cola maxtreme for the bogan”. In early 2006, Coca-Cola Australia launched a disastrously naïve internet viral campaign called “The Zero Movement” which it hoped would convince young people via street posters, websites, manifestos, and stupid impractical slogans that they should become more xtreme. Their biggest failure since not making Mother xtreme for the bogan, the campaign was soon canned. They then got back to marketing the product itself, rather than some idiotic notion of underground revolution, and it did quite well to emerge from Pepsi Max’s slipstream. Coke Zero also had the black label, robust font, and notion of manliness that the male bogan craves in its secret diets, and the word “Zero” even contains the second most bogan-cherished letter in the alphabetz.

This challenge from Coca-Cola made Pepsi step up in 2010. Bus stop billboards around the country are carrying their black poster that announced “HEY SUGAR, YOU’RE FIRED!” in jagged capital letters. It helps the bogan male to feel as though its can of Pepsi Max allows it to totally dominate its world to the xtreme. It even comes with just a sprinkling of old school gender misogyny that allows the male bogan to feel in charge of the bitch that is the sucrose labour force as it sips on its pissy diet cola.

 


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201 responses

24 01 2011
lighthouse

TBL the Book.

24 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

TBL, how could you forget this hard-hitting ACA expose on the evil drug that is Coke Zero?

http://video.au.msn.com/watch/video/coke-zero-addict/xvbwquu

This causes further confusion on the bogan, for while it wants to be maxxtreme (and secretly lose weight) if A Current Affair says it is evil then it must be, right?

On another note, has there a more obvious stripper song than Darling Nikki ever written?

24 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Top points Ash for reminding us of the Coke Zero Swamp Donkey !!! I also love the follow up interview where she is running through the scrub chanting “Coca Cola’s not for me, I drink water and green tea!” . And then she got married, another interview I’ll not forget. 2010 , what a year 🙂

24 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

I haven’t seen the follow up, Viv, but thank you for informing me of it’s existence.

I wish someone had glassed her ovaries before she could have reproduced.

24 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Here is the third story – it’s abit of a highlights reel. See her beautiful wedding day, note the garage door behindthe bridal table. See her on Coke Zero boot camp with her My Little Pony inspired hair. Meet her rehab friend Mel, try not to touch yourself…

http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/celebrity/1067633/coke-zero-addict-transformed

24 01 2011
Le-a

Such a truly inspiring story of triumph over adversity. To go from an addict, to be able to look at Brady Halls and say “Take ya Coke bottle ‘n’ SHOVE IT MATE!” Amazing what a person can do with little more than a tough-talking commando type mentor, a self-help book and (apparently) some scented candles!

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Didn’t know they made Coke Zero scented candles.

24 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

I haven’t been able to resist the urge to touch myself that easily since the time some fat boguette thought she could get free drinks from me. Wait, that happened every time I used to go to a glassin’ barn.

24 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

I was horrified on so many levels after watching those videos; from the slapdash use of tense to the condition itself. I think it’s almost put me off from drinking the stuff indefinetly…as miraculous as the bougette’s transformation!

24 01 2011
XXX

Went to a retreat and came back fat. I don’t get it. They still look unhealthy.

26 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

staggering.
I didn’t make it to the one minute mark.
I was just overcome with blind rage.
extraordinary. just extraordinary. I’m almost speechless.
this is what humanity has become?
it may just be the most disgusting, sad, pathetic thing I have ever seen. the fact that it aired in prime time sickens me and the fact I had to sit thru an ad before I could even view the clip make me just want to smash a jumbo into something prominent.
there is nothing
nothing

more vile on the face of the earth just now than that piece of video.
and don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the poor dumb c*nts in the video.
they never stood a chance.
I’m having a media free day.
before I completely lose it.

24 01 2011
MeAgain

Fat, dumb as shit bogans like her should be sterilised during puberty. I find it hard to believe a male actually had sex with her.

24 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Like I said, glass their farkin’ ovaries.

24 01 2011
XXX

Take it from someone who has married into a family of bogans, they will tell you that every illness that they have “is in the family”. Be it diabetes, heart disease, diverticulitis or weight problems. Nothing they can do about it “coz its been in the family for generations”. I once got cheeky and pointed out that no one in my family has any of these food related problems. Of course, it wasn’t food related when it came to the bogans. One of the uncles even dropped dead of a heart attack and they blamed it on the stress caused by one of his daughters in law seeking child support from his son during a nasty divorce. He was morbidly obese. He also couldn’t have given a flying fuck about the divorce. It was his wife creating all the fuss!

24 01 2011
Blueballs

Ash, off topic a bit, but I’ve introduced the concept of ‘Glassing’ to my German workmate… “Glassing cunts” sounds so much more sinister (albeit with a slight touch of Hogan’s Heroes) when delivered in thick Bavarian accent!

24 01 2011
p'bee

oh how could we forget the woman who hadn’t drinken water in years.

26 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

would a man who looks like this write a song about a stripper?

24 01 2011
MeAgain

Hahaha… Ash, that clip is hilarious. Obese bogan hooked on coke zero. Warning to all bogans! More addictive than crack! Worse than heroin!

24 01 2011
clipper

What I find funny is seeing an obese bogan chomping down on a donut or other sugary sweet and washing it down with a diet cola as if it will negate the effect of the calorie laden treat.

24 01 2011
Gorey

I drink Zero purely for the taste.

I think TBL should investigate the trend for mixing spirits with sugar-free soft drinks, especially the Bundy and Sugar-free Cola one. Didn’t anyone tell these clowns that rum is made from sugar cane?

24 01 2011
Lucky Star

I’m the same Gorey. I find real Coke too syrupy, and the Diet Coke has a battery acid after taste. So I tend to stick with Coke Zero, not because it’s “low carb”, but just because it doesn’t offend my senses as much as the other two.

My bogan friend only drinks her bourbon or rum mixed with Diet Coke because otherwise its “too sweet”.

27 01 2011
AlyssaKT

I was about to say that! When I was a bartender the amount of times people ordered rum and diet coke was hilarious – particularly those who said it was because they had diabetes.

24 01 2011
Mayzee

Sweet Jesus on a stick. There are no words. Surely ‘A Bogan Affair’ will be nominated at the Bogies for best Australian comedy show?

That aside, you know the media has stooped to new lows when they use ‘Coke Cam’. The mother’s hairy eye patch is interesting, to say the least. Perhaps she could have lent it to her son-in-law when her phosphoric acid infested daughter socked him in the eye during a coke comedown. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

24 01 2011
HappyFriend

In Ballarat on Saturday I sawa woman who probably weighed a quarter of a tonne, holding a diet coke while pouring a container of chips down her gullet.

24 01 2011
Dgusten

At least manly diet colas are actually non-fattening – like most soft drinks, they have almost zero fat or protein, so with no sugar they are virually calorie free. If you’re trying to lose weight, they’re must better than drinking most other drinks, such as juice or “functional” water (both of which have TBL has previously noted). Obviously real water is the best option, but let them have a bit of taste (and perhaps some anal leakage from the laxative effect, but anyway…).

TBL haven’t done a post about low carb beer yet, which has to go down as one of the most rediculous inventions ever. For those that aren’t aware, there aren’t a lot of carbs in beer anyway – most of the calories in beer come from the alcohol itself. Low carb beer is only marginally less fattening than regular beer – in fact, low alcohol beer has less calories than low carb beer. Why drink watery flavourless crap, when you perhaps you should just not drink at all?

The delusion of low carb beer is completely bogan! Gotta love those Pure Blonde ads though…

24 01 2011
SHerb

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I just had to second this request:
Low carb beer post must be up soon!

26 01 2011
Davo

What the fuck is with the old style beers? VB and Carlton have them and they taste like piss. I dont think bogans will like them so why did CUB waste their time. They should stick to making beer and spirits stronger and easier to drink for bogans.

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

“From a place more pure than yours”, as the marketing blurb goes, with a unicorn prancing in a spring meadow ahead of a mountain range.

Yeah, right. More like some massive industrial beverage factory, that reeks of malt.

Or as a p¡sstake about “a place more pure than yours”, have a photo of a bloated bogan with dozens of empty stubbies strewn amongst well-“third-thumbed” copies of FHM across his coffee table, holding a Wii controller under the cold glow of their 100″ plasma and his Ed Hardy shirt glistening with not only its vajazzling, but also the sugar crystals left as detritus from his Krispy Kremes.

A place more pure—of a bogan with pure blonde #124 fantasies—I never did see. A place more pure than yours, indeed.

24 01 2011
Whistling Nixie

My idea of “functional water” is that which is found at hydro-electric dams.

24 01 2011
michael

Ah yes, Pepsi Max. Up there with the Macca’s Heart Foundation-approved “tick” menu. A perfect, healthy mid-morning snack for the bogan who then goes on to eat two large big mac meals for lunch about one and a half hours later.

24 01 2011
shakPower

HAHA ‘Macca’a Heart Foundation’ . thats like the ‘KKK Tolerance Camp’ (there is no such thing).
if only i had a dollar for everytime i heard a bogan male yell out ‘Nah mate, diet cola is for poofs, i’ll have a pepsi max mate’!
On a more serious note though it always surprises me how unconcerned the bogan is about weight gain, 200 pounds later it runs to TT and CA to tell its ‘sad’ story to the people so it can raise enough money to buy that little chaired scooter made for the fat bogan!

24 01 2011
Löuie

“Can I get a 10 piece feed, tater n gravy and a large pepsi Max. I’m watching my waistline”

24 01 2011
Loftie

Watching it EXPAND quite rapidly…

24 01 2011
Nelson Esq

A couple of months ago ‘The Age’ did a story on the sales of Coke vs Diet Coke in each post code around Melbourne. Diet Coke outsold Coke in the more affluent areas, whereas normal sugar loaded Coke far outsold Diet Coke in the poorer (old school bogan) areas. A closer to 50-50 split was in the areas where you find a blending of many non-bogans and the bogue nouveaux.

I have had the Traditional Coke vs Zero vs Diet conversation with friends and it seems to be that majority of the females go for Diet Coke based upon prefering the flavour of Diet over Traditional Coke, rather than drinking it because it is ‘diet’. The guys (including myself) mostly prefered the taste of Traditional Coke over Diet. As Zero actually tastes like traditional Coke, blokes alternated between Traditional and Zero, depending upon availability of Zero and/or wanting to limit sugar intake at the time of purchase. Not sure how that fits into this weeks post…figure it out for yourself!

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Personally, my favourite diet cola is the grandma (I couldn’t say “grandpa“, due to the alleged questionability of one’s sexuality, not at least until Max/Zero came along) of them all. And no, it isn’t Diet Coke.

It’s Tab.

Tab was the very first diet soft drink (of any flavour), which was created by the Coca-Cola Company and debuted in the US (c’mon, where else? Even boom-bahs existed then there!) in 1963, and became available in Australia by the early 1970s. Can you remember it? Came in cerise coloured cans, with “TaB” spelt in big white letters, or glass bottles with similarly coloured labels. Those of us old enough to recall it will know that it was bottled locally until around 1994, when it was left in the wake of Diet Coke, launched in 1982. It still remains on sale in the US and a few other countries, though and can be bought here, at times, through imported sweet shops and a few IGAs.

But back when Tab was the rage, my Mum used to drink it regularly and perhaps that’s where I acquired a taste for it…upon recent reflection, it seems to have a fuller, rounder taste than the slightly watered-down and vanilla-ish Diet Coke and the very caramel-like Coke Zero.

I bet the hipsters drink this stuff, given its old-skool credentials, not to mention not wanting to turn into blimps.

24 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Tab and Tang – two refreshing drinks that you could enjoy after a serious game of 1970’s squash or tennis.

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I remember when my folks played squash in the very early 80s (the old Balga Squash Centre, now a Fitness First gym), there’d be one of those chilled drink hoppers with the agitators (remember them?!?!) and you could buy green or orange Staminade there after a vigorous game, to replenish the salts sweated out.

Again, I reckon a fitness-minded hipster would partake in a game squash after a long ride on their fixie, and slake their thirst with said drinks.

24 01 2011
p'bee

reminds me of a drink available in japan called pokari sweat which, as long as you can get over the name – and the fact that it looks a bit like sweat because it is just slightly cloudy – is actually pretty nice.

24 01 2011
Pendant

I loved Pocari Sweat. When I first tried it I felt a bit bouge because of the ‘functional water’ vibe it gives but in the end I don’t think your mainstream bogan would appreciate its particular flavour. There was also a Suntory brand orange juice that was about 60% pulp which was awesome as well.

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Reminds me about a very sobering book (for a recovering sweet-tooth like me) called Sweet Poison—Why Sugar Is Making Us Fat by David Gillespie; this Australian chap had gone to great lengths to investigate why there is an epidemic of obesity, especially in the Global North and made some startling discoveries about the impact that sucrose—particularly one component of it, fructose—makes towards one’s weight, then applied these findings to managing his own weight, losing 40 kilos in the process. His primary discovery—little known outside of health research hitherto now—was that fructose can only be absorbed by the liver (as well as the testes in minute amounts), whereas the other component of sucrose, glucose, can be absorbed by every organ and that this excess fructose (which makes up 50% of regular cane sugar) has nowhere to go, except to be converted and stored as fat.

Because of the explosion of the soft drink and fruit juice markets post WWII, the intake of sugar in the West has skyrocketed and the successful synthesis of high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) in the mid-1960s (which was a handy way to ensure American corn farmers maintained a market), of which HFCS began to be used in the manufacture of beverages starting circa 1980 (in Australia, we still use cane sugar almost exclusively), thus tracing when the obesity epidemic began in earnest. HFCS has a fructose content of about 65%, so that obviously doesn’t help matters, especially when compounded by increasing soft drink consumption.

As for fruit juice, it has been nominally seen to be a healthier alternative: sure, there’s minerals and vitamins present. But unlike eating fresh fruits, there’s little fibre (which is rejected as pulp) left, and even less still in the clarified juices. So in reality, juices have got away with blue murder through those aforementioned beneficial properties, but secretly add fuel to the fire of boom-bahism.

As if to point this effect out, try this experiment: try eating a kilo of fresh apples in one sit. I’m sure most you will struggle to do that, if you make it at all. The next day, try doing the same, but instead drinking about 650 mL of clear apple juice…now that’s not hard at all, despite that amount of juice extracted typically from a kilo of the fresh fruit.

As Julius Sumner-Miller would say, why is this so? Because in extracting the juice, most of the fibre, which makes us feel full, is pretty much removed, ergo we can put away more of it sooner. Yet we get almost exactly the same energy, as the dietary fibre (complex carbohydrates) have negligible energy stored, relative to the simple carbohydrates, which sugar and starch have in abundance, thus more easily accessed (no need to feel full and to digest it over a longer period).

So next time any one of you feel compelled to drink some fruit juice, one: drink only a small amount (125 mL is sufficient) and two: get the pulpiest (it’s usually very cloudy, like the Nudie juices are) you can obtain.

24 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I have the exact same memories! We had to sit up on the wooden bleachers looking down on to the game through a glass window. Never been so bored in my life before or since. I used to love the drink machines though. They also used to have them at the supermarkets filled with red cordial that would nearly freeze your teeth off. Do that still have them at the shops?

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Nah, not anymore—I remember when Coles Dianella (I couldn’t help throwing a Worst Of Perth link there, to see what became (and what it is now) of that store! And for the cost of 20 cents (maybe around 1979-80; equals about $1 now), you’d plonk a paper cup under the nozzle and out came about 200mL of weak-as-p¡ss orange fruit drink, in the lobby in front of the registers, near the Bri-Tex carpet cleaning hire equipment.

I bet that hipsters would also love to have one of these machines in one of their hangout joints full of Tang, next to the Space Invaders table console computer game (mind you, probably need a one or two dollar coin to feed it now).

27 01 2011
YB

One of the small hipster joys of Canberra was finding a couple of space invaders tables still at 20c a game.

24 01 2011
Lucky Star

I remember those drink machines v’v! I hadn’t thought of those in years. Our supermarket had a choice of red or green icy cold drink, and we used to beg my mother for two 20 cent pieces so we could have one of each. Ah, good times! 😀

I also remember TAB BO’T. I can’t remember when they stopped selling it in Victoria, but it must have been very early 80’s. I clearly remember the brightly pinkish-purple coloured can with the name in bold white, and can remember how good it tasted. My dad being a diabetic, I think it was his diet soft drink of choice at the time.

24 01 2011
MeAgain

I remember Tab. Takes me back to primary school.. but a can of creamy soda was the best.

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Is this the red creaming soda, or the caramel-flavoured brown version (creamy soda), of which seems to be peculiarly Victorian? I remember when I first encountered it one my first visit to Melbourne 15 years ago…not bad, if a little sweet. Until then, I only thought it came in red.

I grew up with Nanna and Pop keeping Schweppe’s Red Creaming Soda in 1 L glass bottles in the fridge for the grandkids and me thinking it was the duck’s nuts, only behind the same company’s dry ginger ale (Nanna and Pop must’ve thought young kids wouldn’t go for that “adult” drink; how wrong they were—this one did!)

26 01 2011
MeAgain

26 01 2011
MeAgain

it was the brown one, I’m quite sure..

25 01 2011
Nelson Esq

I remember Tab! The ad stated that every can had less than 2 calories and had slim girls in 70’s style shorty shorts!

When Dad hit 40 and started to grow his beer gut, Mum started buying Tab for him as beer replacement. We kids were never allowed to drink it; we were confined to the old Cottee’s cordial. We used to sneak some every now and then, pouring it over ice-cream we piled into the huge Star Wars cups we got from McDonalds, to make spiders! Mmmm…..

27 01 2011
AlyssaKT

I thought TaB was sarsaparilla

27 01 2011
V'visexxxion

No Sars was a ye olde drinkey like portello and ginger beer. The flavour comes from the root of some plant i think? I remember trying to convince my sister that it was pronounced ‘Sa- Sa- Pa- Rilla’ for an entire 12 hour car trip as a child. My parents nearly murdered us both. I would have.

27 01 2011
Will S

Why can’t we get goddamn Dr. Pepper in this country…

Dr Pepper is indeed a delicious treat. USA Foods (www.usafoods.com.au)can supply you with a slab of it, as they have done for me in the past. TBL

27 01 2011
p'bee

you can – i don’t know where you live, will, but try and find out if there’s a sugar fix near you – they have all sorts of overseas lollies and soft drinks.

28 01 2011
Valo

Some places stock Dr. Pepper, i know you can get a slab of it or individual cans at Parap Fine Foods in Darwin as well as the shop (maybe Sugar Fix as p’bee mentioned) at Spencer Street Station in Melbourne. Oddly, our local video store stocks Dr. Pepper, Cherry Dr. Pepper, Grape and Pineapple Fanta (had grape Fanta in Japan, from a vending machine of course), Cherry Coke and a massive collection of US lollies such as Reeces, Big League Chew, Moonpie, Pop Tarts, Red Hots, Milk Duds, Hersheys etc. I didn’t realise there was a market for them in regional Victoria, but I won’t complain as i enjoy a can of Dr. Pepper from time to time.

28 01 2011
AlyssaKT

“wouldn’t you like to be a pepper too?” – name the 1986 film

28 01 2011
Valo

Short Circuit?

28 01 2011
Pandabater

We can all google,
You are the trout of the week.

28 01 2011
Valo

Thanks for that, very constructive.

31 01 2011
AlyssaKT

that’s a bit rough – not everyone needs to Google all their answers, Pandabater…

28 01 2011
Lucky Star

We have Dr Pepper here in WA. The old FAL Cash and Carry brings it in – I imagine they purchase through USA Foods – and the IGA’s sell them for around $1.90 per can. We have a friend with a Cash and Carry card who gets it for us every month or so by the slab. 😀

24 01 2011
Nelson Esq

Pepsi is looking at sponsoring a car in the V8 Supercar Championship this year using Pepsi MAX branding. They seem to understand their target market.

24 01 2011
Tony D

Personally I drink Max, Zero etc because I don’t really like the “full strength” stuff, it’s too syrupy for my tastes.

Amusingly, Max in Japan is called Pepsi Nex, and it promises “zero style” (yes, they use the English words). Their promos are also far more awesome, because they give you free stuff attached to the bottles (eg little lego pepsi men keychains).

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Seconded re full-strength Coca Cola being too syrupy: On the rare occasion I do have the sugared version, I actually prefer a cup of postmix Coke, rather than out of the bottle or can. And full of ice, at that. Especially better when the operator of the postmix machine is being a scrooge with the flavour syrup ratio—to me, that’s when normal Coke is entirely tolerable as a guilty pleasure! Ditto for Diet Coke, too.

Then again, this is the view of someone who prefers the subtle taste of TaB rather than Diet Coke/Coke Zero; I’m clearly in a minority in either the sugared or sugarfree camps.

24 01 2011
martin

Yeah definitely gotta have ice in ya coke, although out of a can can be very refreshing on a hot day. I very rarely see TaB around. When I do I think “f#ck they still make that shit do they”. I remember seeing ads for it in the 80s and I wanted it bad because I wasn’t allowed to have it, or coke, when I was a child.

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I also agree that when you want a cold soft drink when your choices are only either cans or plastic bottles, I prefer cans, as the plastic-bottled drinks never seem to be as cold.

I’m not sure whether—besides the fact that most soft drinks aren’t so great for your general health, be they either sugary ones with all those kilojoules, or the diet ones with potential carcinogens from the synthesised artificial sweeteners derived from petrochemical processes—it’s worse from aluminium cans, with the link of Alzheimer’s disease from that metal, or the presence of DNA-altering phthalates like BPA in polyester (PET) bottles. And in either case, most soft drinks are highly acidic in their breakdown in the digestion process, creating an unfavourably low pH in the body, bringing along all manner of ailments related to that.

Really, the best thing to do is just drink filtered water that is balanced with a slight alkaline (i.e. pH 7.2-8.0) bias, which can be done by adulterating the tap water with a small amount of bi-carb soda (maybe about a ½ metric teaspoon per litre). There are also a few bottled waters that specifically have such pH levels, whereas the ones most widely available (read: the ones bottled by the major beverage companies) actually tend to be slightly acidic.

24 01 2011
CoffeeSnob

Within a certain range the pH of drinks is rather irrelevant. The body has a very good system for keeping its pH at the correct level. Should acidosis (or alkalosis for that matter) start to occur in the blood it would lead to rather bad things happening in the body very quickly. Hence the very capable system in place for dealing with it.

“Alkaline” water or such nonsense is snake oil.

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Many of us (especially bogans) eat more foods that break down into acidic residue than those that break down into alkalis, so I think acidosis-related complaints (manifesting as reflux, flatulence and heartburn) vastly outnumber those caused by excessive alkalinity as presenting health problems.

In trying to eat a diet that biases towards alkali-forming foods, in my experience I find I fart far less than I used to, thus the results speak for themselves. So, respectfully, I beg to differ. There are other quack ideas out there and many people pushing their barrows, but this one has merit…it’s been around since the ancient Greeks. It’s just that most of us don’t realise it, not to mention becoming subtly blindsided by the marketing and industrial clout behind all those sorts of acid-forming foods (soft drinks, alcoholic beverages, fast food, meat prioducers and processed foods).

Simply put, a sensible diet rich in fresh fruit and vegetables, dietary fibre, minimal dairy (and small portions of lean meats for those so inclined), avoiding added sugars and keeping adequate hydration (through drinking daily ≥2 L of pH 7.0-8.0 water) will promote good health and prevent one’s body becoming too acidic, as well as keeping an ideal weight and minimising the risk of heart disease and cancer. Rather basic advice one may say, but sometimes that seems like pushing dung up a hill when faced with all those manifold lures of easy satisfaction of hunger.

25 01 2011
SD

BoT, the pH of stomach is about 1.5, it cannot be adjusted by “alkalising foods”. pH in the body is very regulated.

Different diets work differently for people so most people settle on what they are comfortable with-in your case clearly alkaline foods work. But there is no scientific basis for the eating of alkaline foods.

Its like all those foods for ulcers till they discovered H pylori.

25 01 2011
CoffeeSnob

Quack ideas indeed.

I’d just focus on the healthy food part if I were you.

As mentioned, if your body’s pH altered outside of the very careful range you’d be dead, you cannot make it “too acidic”. Its a nice idea pedalled by health “experts”, “health food” stores, etc etc but no real scientific merit.

I have no doubt improving your diet helped you but it had nothing to do with you trying to “keeping you pH alkaline”.

Grab a medical textbook and look up things like “acid-base imbalance”, “acid-base homeostasis”, “acidosis” and “alkalosis”.

25 01 2011
James Hunter

Our digestion relys on the acid in our stomach to break ther food down so it can be digested.
Excess alkalinity will slow digestion and at higher levels cause a huge dose of the shits.!

24 01 2011
p'bee

if you thought coke zero addict was bad, wait until you see the cushion eater: http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8200429

24 01 2011
Werdna

She obviously wants to keep herself regular.

24 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Imagine passing a couch! Does she taste test at Ikea before she purchases? Does she have a preference for old or new couches? Hard rubbish week would be like a buffet if she doesn’t mind juicy old second hand ones. So many questions i need answered.

24 01 2011
p'bee

she should team up with the woman who eats toilet paper:

24 01 2011
Lucky Star

Perhaps it wipes her ar$e on the way though…

24 01 2011
Lucky Star

**through even.

24 01 2011
Pandabater

If you offered her a piece of normal foam rubber would she be offended? Needs fart flavor.

24 01 2011
MeAgain

Hahaha! Curry fart flavour.

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Gives a new meaning to “passing stools”…

24 01 2011
Whistling Nixie

Maybe she liked the taste of gluten-free bread, but found it too expensive. It tastes about the same.

24 01 2011
SD

Baked couch potato with sour cream, yum yum

24 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I just found out what the cushion looks like after its been passed – I think the cushion would taste better too. I have a cola recipe book at home that i found in an op shop. It suggests that you can make something tropical by changing the cola to fanta. Might work for this too.

24 01 2011
SD

Where the hell has Fanta gone? I used to love it – though this may be because it was the only “soft drink” around.

24 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I thought Fanta was still around, but the only sugary soft drink that I drink is tonic water so I haven’t looked for it in a long time. I went through a brief Jolt Cola phase in my early 20’s but got over it. I used to love Portello as a kid.

24 01 2011
SD

I last had Fanta when it came in a glass bottle. I get confused by the numerous cans and supermarket displays here. Will check.

24 01 2011
p'bee

if i want something cold, fizzy and caffeinated my preference is pepsi max, but the best soft drink in the world is passiona.

24 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Nothing soft about Fanta, it’s the official drink of the Third Reich!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fanta

“Fanta originated when ingredients for the production of Coca-Cola became difficult to obtain in the company’s Germany plant during the build up to World War II. As a result, Max Keith, the man in charge of Coca-Cola’s operations in Germany during the Second World War, decided to create a new product for the German market, using only ingredients available in Germany at the time, including whey and pomace – the “leftovers of leftovers”, as Keith later recalled. The name was the result of a brief brainstorming session, which started with Keith exhorting his team to “use their imagination” (“Fantasie” in German), to which one of his salesmen, Joe Knipp, immediately retorted “Fanta!”.”

I found out about this from the great Shaun Micallef; he always manages to mention it in every television project he’s been involved in:

“Thank you Hitler. You weren’t all…that bad!”

24 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

fair enough.
but it was a Great Briton who took Fanta to its ultimate expression by dropping a scoop of ice cream in it and calling it a Spider.
(after Spida Everitt apparently)

24 01 2011
Pendant

See also: John Safran – Self Hating Jew (can’t seem to find a youtube link)

Speaking of Fanta in Germany, over here it looks nothing like the radioactive orange you get in Aus, it’s more of a transparent yellow colour, like very weak tropical cordial.

25 01 2011
p'bee

has anyone else come across cheery cheer? I’ve only seen it available in northern nsw, particularly the upper hunter and new england areas. i’m not actually sure what flavour it’s supposed to be. i bought it for the name – never making that mistake again.

26 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

no.
but I did find Junior Mints.

25 01 2011
afr

Ahhh…. Portello. Love it, but its so hard to find in Sydney

25 01 2011
V'visexxxion

It’s hard to find portello anywhere. It’s a shame you don’t get people driving around with no-brand softdrink deliveries like you used to. They would sell it for sure. we have a port wine magnolia tree in our yard, and I swear that as soon as the temperature hits the mid 30’s in summer , I can smell portello softdrink. I could eat that tree, if it wasn’t so treeish.

25 01 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

There’s a “diet” Portello flavoured drink called “Diet Rite”. You can get it at coles, safeway, woolies etc.

25 01 2011
afr

“Diet” and misspellings of “Right” should never be put together. When my brother in law visits my parents in the country, the first thing he does is go to the milk bar to buy Portello. The brand is called River Port and it’s from Echuca http://www.monfoods.com.au/riverport_softdrinks.html

24 01 2011
shakPower

OH yes, fanta is the king of soft drinks. still around. i treat myself to one once in a while, like my birthday and dogs birthday(he loves em too). its really hard maintaining a six pack u c…..

24 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh dear, I like eating used gerbils myself but you won’t see me whoring my preference to TV.

Also cola is an invention of The Man to keep the lumpen masses in check. Best avoided at all costs.

24 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Do you cook the used gerbils in diet coke? The colour would hide the stains.

24 01 2011
Pandabater

“used” gerbils Simon? For what?

24 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

What Gerbils are normally used for of course. Deviant sexual activity.

24 01 2011
chris

“Armageddon!”

24 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Did you get one of Richard Gere’s old ones?

25 01 2011
chris

Using gerbils for deviant sexual activity is perverted and sick. I would only allow my gerbils to be used for regular sexual activity.

24 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yeh, zero jus, sauté is best I find but the fur can cause bowel problems.

24 01 2011
Pandabater

Plus you have to shave your hairballs.

24 01 2011
SD

Did those used gerbils live with the Chilean miners?

24 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Maybe!

24 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

We have an old saying in my family that goes, “If you can’t eat it or f#ck it, piss on it”. Luckily for the gerbils , Simon has not had to piss on them yet.

26 01 2011
Danny

The other night I had this dream where I was eating this enormous marshmallow. Oddly enough, when I woke up in the morning, I couldn’t find my pillow.

24 01 2011
Lucky Star

It’d be up there with Jim Beam racing, hey. Could you imagine the commentary if they have a smash… “Oh no, the Jim Beam car has hit the Pepsi car. There’s bourbon and cola everywhere!!”

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Jim Beam V8 Supercar: all the better to show off your mad drivin’ skillz when you’ve got a few in ya, eh!

Jim Beam car crashes. Wonders aloud if drink-driving was a contributing factor? The temptation to pull out a breathalyser upon the driver, just like I’d feel the urge to pull some bogan over for a breath test if I were a cop, whenever I see one of those alcohol-branded stickers emblazoned across someone’s back window.

24 01 2011
Lucky Star

Wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they substituted the water for Jim Beam instead. Might actually make watching the V8’s more interesting , rather than just retards driving round and round in circles. Maybe they could add avoiding the breathalyser to the skill of the race.

One of the bogans visiting my trashy bogan neighbours is just asking for a pulling over. He has a giant sticker on the back of his sh*tty bogan-mobile saying : “BEER FRIDGE”. I think he needs to be pulled over and fined just for being stupid enough to put such a sticker on a car in the first place.

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

A future contender for the Darwin Awards, methinks!

25 01 2011
Lucky Star

We can only hope…

24 01 2011
martin

Diet coke and max and the other shit tastes like shit. Give me sugar. Bitch.

24 01 2011
Vviv2

Sorry Gorey,
Bundy may be made from sugarcane, but as a result of the distillation methods, there are no carbs at all in there…..perfect for the diabetic bogan

24 01 2011
martin

So what do libtards drink for something refreshing? Goat’s wee? Lentil juice?

24 01 2011
Pandabater

They carry their own supply inside them.

24 01 2011
James Hunter

Anyone who would drink Lentil juice deserves whatever the world decides to serve up.

Tiger pee may be the go as it keeps goats away and that means it cant all be bad.

24 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Can’t speak for the rest of them, but I’m partial to Solo myself.

Or a vodka and ice.

24 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

I’ll have a Gin and Tonic thanks!

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Isn’t Tanqueray No. Ten your preferred tipple, by memory?

Or was it Bombay Sapphire?

Either are fine gins. Also partial to sloe gin, too.

26 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

ah hello!
yes. Number 10 when the budget permits.
otherwise we dig reg’lar Tanqueray but even Gordons will do.
Gordons is V. Nice with Moscato on an hot summer sunday also, you dont have too much botanical to mess it all up.
Moscato is a nice breakfast wine too.

24 01 2011
urbanreverie

This little libtard drinks ….. yes, I ought to be ashamed to admit it but I’m not ….. Coke Zero.

A case of 24 cans will last me about a month or so on average over the year. Sometimes as little as a fortnight during semester (when I use Coke Zero as late-night assignment fuel).

I’m also partial to coffee in the morning (brewed in a plunger and mixed with condensed milk Singapore-style), a nice cup of tea is great on winter nights, Golden Circle fruit juice usually accompanies my dinner, and Cascade sparkling apple juice is my favourite on a hot summer’s afternoon.

Unlike the other Coke Zero addict discussed above, I drinken water all the time. Carry it around (sometimes frozen) in re-used Pump or Mount Franklin bottles in my backpack so I’m always hydrated on my travels.

So what do non-libtards like yourself drink, Martin? 😉

25 01 2011
martin

I drink beer, coke, milk and coffee. I’ll have a mug of coke with ice with my dinner which makes me feel very lucid and switched on after a tedious and tiring afternoon. I’ve been meaning to try iced tea to replace that. Sometimes I’ll drink milk by just going to the fridge and drinking a bit straight from the container. That’s good late at night to get my sleeping chemicals going. I’ll also have a container sitting next to my bed when I’ve gone to sleep after getting maggoted and drink that during the night when I wake up sporadically with desert mouth. I’ll drink a cup of coffee in the morning, I don’t eat breakfast, I’ll drink two if I’ve been drinking the night before.

I’ve got a thing of green cordial in the fridge because I want to stop drinking milk.

So yeah, you could say my drinking habits are pretty bogan. 🙂

25 01 2011
Pendant

Since I guess I’m a libtard on the martin scale:
I drink milk. Full cream, and lots of it, probably a litre per day on average. Quite a few people have taken the time to inform me that it’s a kids drink or that I’ll get or that it’s plain not right to drink that much but I just love the taste.

I don’t know if it’s related or not but fizzy drinks make me burp like crazy and often after the first sip I need to release more gas than could possibly fit in a whole bottle, so I tend to avoid them where I can (though I’m often a designated driver and so get shouted softdrink from others)

25 01 2011
Pendant

I think the word ‘fat’ went missing somewhere in there

24 01 2011
Poider

I still chuckle at an anecdote from a Whitlam visit to China. After one of the vice premiers extolled the virtues of drinking one’s own urine, Gough was heard to say to Lionel Murphy (I think), “I think we should leave before the Chinese get on the piss!”

24 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Cannot help but channel League Of Gentlemen there…

24 01 2011
Android rocks

So when are you going to do a post on iPhones, iPads and other iDevices?

Bogans have been lapping up the sub par offerings from the house of Jobs in their millions while never even using half of the functions of their new expensive toys.

Surely you can’t pass up the opportunity to mine such a rich vein of Boganity?

25 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

That might, as KRudd was wont to say, a bridge too far.

If that was considered a Thing Bogans Like (and doubtlessly, many do), this would put a LOT of noses out of joint amongst the antiboganistas that frequent this site.

Many of us here, I would suspect, in an above average number to the rest of general community, are Mac users and have been longstanding ones, what’s more…I myself have been a continuous Apple user since System 7 in the mid 1990s, back in the dark days when the Mac community looked almost certain to disappear, with only the graphics and music industries keeping the platform afloat (I was studying photography at the time, with Photoshop 3, not CS3, learning on that platform). And ever since then, I have remained one to this day, preferring to stay with the Mac, rather than working in Windoze. To me, the advantages of later obsolescence, better durability and integration of both hardware and software, almost non-existent threat of viruses and dual-booting capability (great for tax returns…and, um, that’s ’bout it!) keep my allegiances firmly in this camp.

Sure, there are dimwits who buy Macs for all the wrong reasons (look cool, badge snobbery, ’cause the stars use ’em on the screen, etc.) and they can rightly be branded as bogans, as can all those who lust for the iCachet that all the iOS products bring, but still lack the cojones to make the ultimate switch to the Mac OS, keeping a two-way bet on conformity. Phooey to them especially! They’re the eedjits who give those accessories a bad rap, then whinge because they can’t get quite the same seamlessness as those who are fully Mac.

I might be sounding defensive and unfortunately, years of adversity have rendered those of us—especially those like me who supported the brand back in the bad, bad ol’ days of Gil Amelio—ready to counterpunch at the slightest provocation, and yes, I admit it can be bordering on evangelism, though I don’t try to proselytise, just explain my zeal. It is something that goes beyond mere logic. It’s like me and my fervour for Rickenbacker guitars and Audi cars. I can’t quite explain it, but something connects, incites my passion and loyalty. People have it with football teams, religious affiliations, public broadcasters, cigarettes, musical artists and fine wines, amongst other things that seemingly can be satisfied merely as a matter of utility and nothing else to some.

Hold on. I went off on something of a tangent as to why iDevices shouldn’t be automatically filed under “bogan”…I’m a bit of w@nker, but at least I can admit to it, unlike the modern bogan.

If TBL did that, someone would be bound to get hurt, so I doubt they’d risk opening that pandora’s box, though it’d be widely agreed as “bogan” if were titled “iDevices…with a Windows computer”. They could never have the dedication and passion required to be a fully-fledged Mac acolyte!

25 01 2011
chris

I’ll see your System 7 and raise you a System 4. Apart from that, spot on, BoT.

25 01 2011
Benjamin

Our family had a Mac SE, bought not so long after launch. I was too young to note what the OS version was, but given the OS it started with (3.3) we may have had you beat:-)

25 01 2011
chris

Started off on a Plus, then the boss went mad and bought a shiny new SE, sweeeeet. Pagemaker 1; when you hit “save” it brought up a window saying “Now saving your document, this may take a few minutes”.

25 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

@ chris and Benjamin

Clearly you’ve both got religion from a young age…I had very little to do with computers until 1996, when I enrolled for my course. But I did use Mac Classics at high school in the late 80s and did find them easier to use than the IBMs with Windows (was it version 3.0? The one before Microsoft got on board with using a reasonable GUI with Windows 95, where typed commands were essential).

27 01 2011
YB

I watched my uncle make an Apple 1 into the briefcase age 7. I first used his Mac in 1984 as he developed remote desktop as a tool to prevent having to go to the US to sell his actual device, a scanner that clipped into the Imagewriter. I have a Lisa in my shed (Non-functional). I love Macs.

27 01 2011
chris

You have a Lisa! People are putting those on ebay for mad sums of money. I saw one in a Crim Converters a couple of years ago for $50.

25 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

I’m a Mac user myself. Primarily because:
a) I use GarageBand a fair bit to remix music and the like
b) it’s easy to use and I’m an idiot.

25 01 2011
Sheriff Struggle

I have been accused of being a Apple fanboy (powerbook, desktop, iPad, iPhone, iPods) but lets be honest: they are a better product, better looking, easier to use and more reliable. I am at work using a rubbish laptop with windows 7. Who’s great idea was it to change all of the tabs and pull down menus on MS Word? Now I have to re-learn everything again.

25 01 2011
p'bee

personally, i think ipods are really really ugly and much prefer my shiny pretty sony mp3 player.

25 01 2011
Louie

Enjoy your cumbersome itunes macfag. Enjoy how your ipod/iphone will sync with only one computer.

25 01 2011
martin

They also cost about 3 times as much for the same or lesser hardware and you can’t play games on them. But yeah, they certainly look a lot better and each to their own. They’ve also got a much better command line console because it’s built on FreeBSD. I’ve sometimes briefly entertained the idea of getting a mac and I never do.

I think I’ll just stick to doze, I don’t pay for it and if you use Firefox and Thunderbird and are behind a router with it’s firewall the risk of attacks is negligible unless you like visiting porn sites.

25 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Which some of us do, so therefore Mac is safest.

25 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

No doubt there are a number of bogan pornoisseurs out there who’ve cottoned on to this fact and are amongst the rare batch of bogues who are Mac all the way, alongside my aforementioned NaB Mac wannabes who, in spite of having one, don’t fully get it when it comes to appreciating Apple’s finer points that the Macolytes like myself do.

7 02 2011
The Quote Train

System 7 – the operating system I grew up on in school. They were the days!

25 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Oops: “That might be…”, rather.

25 01 2011
Android rocks

I hear you all, I really do…but that still doesn’t stop iWhatevers from being a thing that bogans like!

It is not a criticism of Apple products, just a fact that bogans love them.

25 01 2011
martin

That’s it bogans do love them. It started with the mobile phone proliferation in the mid 90s so bogans could look like successful yuppies merely by talking on their phone a lot. Bogans like to think they’re technologically savvy without having to be so. The iPhone, iPad, and iPod make them feel so. Because they look really good. It must be some sort of nerd envy.

25 01 2011
lolplates

They may think that they are tech savvy, but when you mention you build your own systems they think you are some kind of genious, but the downside is they WILL pester you when they manage to get their identity stolen from pay for porn sites.

Computers are easier than an engine to build.

26 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

lego.

26 01 2011
James Hunter

computer builders are like blokes say they built their own car. Yeh. bolt in an engin to a gearbox buy a rear suspension kit , Pedders do the front endcaue thats pretty technical oh and the body cane from Pooraka spares.
They did not buidl anything.

Computer people the same , plugging a box of bits together is at the best an assembly job, like “Lego” they did not make a single block. Probably would not recognise an integrated circuit if it up anf bit them.

27 01 2011
lolplates

I scratch built a dune buggy at school, farbricated a space frame even machined the wheel hubs my self. 😛

I never said building a computer was hard, hell they are color coded now.
Building a car is a lot more complicated than buying a crate motor and off the shelf bolt-ons.

Things like suspension geometry, cam grinds, porting, engine maps, gear sets and ratios are very tricky to get right. It takes a lot of time and money to get a car into a workable condition to run on a race track.

27 01 2011
James Hunter

LOL p
Sure does take time and momey. Mind you from “way back when I was a young fella” their is just so much choice both of vehicles and of the shelf bits and pieces. We had to gasflow our own heads and fabricate exhaust and manifolds to get decent. Some good shit came in from UK (Austin,Morris),France, (Renault)Germany(VW) and for clunker heads theUSA.(anything with a bentcrank) But it was way expensive so it was very much read everything calculate (a lot) and experiment. got some wild results though.Like a Mini 850block would average 132 Kph for one hour.and top 175Kmp. !Mild today but in 1966 !!

27 01 2011
lolplates

The best bits still come from the UK and the States. I’ll never have the cash to get my mits on any Cosworth stuff. All though there was some wicked stuff from Australia before my time.
A friend of Dads has a 189 holden with a overhead cam head, designed by Phil Irving.
I love those BMC engines, I did my year 9& 10 Automotive classes with them (1275). So small and simple, didn’t they have problems with cracking heads?

27 01 2011
James Hunter

BMC did have some head problems esp with the six cylinder in the P76. Often the cause was poor aging of the castings and the block would not be tru. So the unsuspecting would deck a head ,new gasket and blow it in a week.
Since most wanted to up the compression it was good practice to take a tiny skim of the head if it was not realy true. BMC big problem was the motors were hardly anywhere near balanced. Just a good dynamic balance made the car run different. Take about 4Kg of the flywheel on the 1275 motor , gasflow the head, double valve springs tune the SUs almost every time you went out, .
Realy cool (HOT) was the Speedwell cross flow head. you ended up with the noisy end of two twinchoke webers in the cabin with you but who gave a shit.
100 cooper moters still had the mechanical fuel pump as in the MG Midget. cept it was between the engine and the firewall under extrractors and twin SUs. Mongrels throw em and put an electric in the boot like the mini.
Holden Twin cam head was made by Merve Waggot too. Dont know if its the same one.

27 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

My first car was a yellow (“Pine ‘N’ Lime”, to be exact) Ford Escort Mark II van, with a factory 2 Litre (a.k.a. Pinto) OHC motor. Even with the standard Weber twin-throat carburettor, all I really had to do was add a set of extractors with a low-restriction 2″ exhaust and a rally air cleaner to get a fairly easy performance boost; it was an already lively engine (even when slightly hobbled with ADR 27A emissions equipment) with a bolt-slick 4-speed manual, coupled to to light body with a sweet handling and steering rear-drive combination (mind you, if you dialled in too much throttle upon turn-in in the wet, oversteer would ensue, which made for a few hairy near-scrapes in inexperienced hands!). Also added an Escort Ghia dash, console, seats and alloy wheels (with wide 205/60 R13 rubber) to improve the originally sparse amenity in GL spec (imagine how spartan the base L would’ve been!)

Beyond that, I made no other mods to the engine or carby when I rebuilt them, beyond going up to the next piston diameter when the cylinder sleeves were re-machined, thus no change to the camshaft, or adding an electronic ignition system, nor did I do any real work upon the suspension. I simply didn’t have the money as a 17 to 19 year old to go over and beyond what I did; heck, even the bodywork was somewhat in need of repair (minor dents and rust, plus it needed a respray). Yet despite the engine requiring regular retuning, its uncanny ability to eat clutch cables annually and the low-rent (well, OSB, if anything!) hoon image of the PFT (pygmy fück truck, as my mates nicknamed it), despite this tormented relationship I had with the PFT, it fostered a strong sense of mechanical intimacy with a vehicle I’d never had before or since.

I eventually had my fill of the PFT’s mercurial nature and in resignation, succumbed to a bog-stock, ex-WA Health Dept VH Commodore wagon, which whilst infinitely more reliable, didn’t quite have the fun that the Deathscort produced or its troubled-yet-compelling soul.

26 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

agreed.
at any sort of sub-professional level Apple = Computer for Dummies.

25 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Anyway, I wanted to share my latest work with my TBL bretheren and sisters.

I spent most of the morning working in this – I reckon it should be #1 on JJJ Hottest 100.

(to the tune of Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise)

As I cruise through the suburbs in my Aussie Chev
I stop at an ATM and realise there’s nuffin’ left
Coz I been putting shit on credit so long that
Even my ex missus knows my money’s gone
But I ain’t never smacked a bitch who didn’t deserve it
Me giving a fuck, you know that’s unheard of
You better watch how ya passin’
And cut the smart arsin’
Or you and them cunts are gonna get a glassin’
Fark, I’m the kind of guy all the kids wanna be like
In the mines, day and night
Raking cash and getting in fights

Been spendin’ most our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise
Been spendin’ all our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise
Been spendin’ most our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise
Been spendin’ all our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise

Look at the situation, they got us facin’,
All them immigrants, the lebs and slopes and curries,
So we gots to show our Aussie Pride
We’re so true blue we been Americanised,
I’m a high school dropout in my McMansion,
In the formal living area me and the missus are a pashin’,
Maybe if I’m lucky there’ll be one twenty four,
But I ain’t gay or that, not even on footy tour,
I’m twenty six and me missus is twenty five
And she’s getting ready to pop out kid number nine,
Another plasma screen for Braydyn’s bedroom,
And for me ute a sound system that goes boom boom

Tell me why, are they, so blind to see
That SBS, should farkin get off TV,

Been spendin’ most our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise
Been spendin’ all our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise
Been spendin’ most our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise
Been spendin’ all our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise

Power in me pecs,
Me pecs got the power,
Huger and huger,
Louder and louder

They say I gotta learn
But they’re all smart arses
I learnt everything I know from the telly classes
Today Tonight,
A Current Affair,
Two and A Half Men,
No commie pinko public shit, fool

Been spendin’ most our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise
Been spendin’ all our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise
Been spendin’ most our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise
Been spendin’ all our lives, livin’ in a bogan paradise

Tell me why, are they, so blind to see,
That the ones getting farked, are people like me,
Tell me why, are they, so blind to see
That them immigrants, should get out my country,
Tell me why, are they, so blind to see,
That the gummint, doesn’t give me my money
Tell me why, are they, so blind to see,
That the real Aussies are people like me

25 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Noice, today i wrote a haiku walking to walk, I was thinking of rice queens (google it if you don’t know) – it’s not strictly bogan related, but here it is.

Blowing on hot rice
Most old rice queens likes them young
Dumb and full of cum

25 01 2011
urbanreverie

Noice work, Ash. Very noice work indeed.

Just a couple of suggestions:

(1) Bogans are incapable of pronouncing the first-person singular possessive pronoun correctly. In simple terms, they never say “my” but instead say “me”. You used “me” a couple of times, so you deserve half-marks for effort, but it must be all the time. 🙂

(2) “Gummint” is more an American thing. Our bogans, as linguistically challenged as they are, do usually pronounce the “v”. “Guvmunt”, “guvmint” or “guvvament” is probably a better approximation of Boganese.

But apart from those very minor things, I’m very impressed! A-.

25 01 2011
Pandabater

*Throws hands into the air like he just don’t care*

26 01 2011
Vviv2

Ash….That’s pure GOLD!

26 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ash, noice!

25 01 2011
Edward

As I was driving to work this morning, a Toyota Corolla was off my starboard bow, little plastic ensigns flapping in the wind on both of it’s quarters. Seeing something fly off and land in the road I looked as I passed to see what it was. Those colours can’t have been flying more than a week, and didn’t make it to the 26th. Well maybe the port side flag will, but it felt like a summation of the the state of consumer society with a manufacturing base much narrower than its demand. From national symbol to flotsam in days.

26 01 2011
martin

Could the irony purists please tell me if it’s ironic that people are flying their little Australian flags on their Asian cars?

26 01 2011
James Hunter

any better on australian bulit american junk ?

26 01 2011
martin

Well, less ironic. Less, I dunno, daft. Less daft in that we have so many tacky, souless Asian cars that are preferable to Holden’s and Ford’s resonably bad reputation for reliability and quality. Not something to be waving a flag about imo.

26 01 2011
James Hunter

See your point.
After all real people drive European cars.

26 01 2011
francdux

Ash, no wonder you don’t write for this blog. Pathetic song writing effort. Stick to your usual inane comments.

26 01 2011
lighthouse

This isn’t inane?

26 01 2011
James Hunter

yes but no well yes yes but no well yes

26 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

I applied to write for TBL, but was rejected on account of not being good looking enough.

26 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

wow!
Me Too!

26 01 2011
James Hunter

Chubby,
They told me that I was good looking enough but used too many big words.

26 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

Peter Fucking Costello ???

26 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

stolen from Crikey (via youtube)
back when it was still OK to be an Aussie.

26 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Thanks Chubster, that was brilliant…Hawke couldn’t have summed that up any better…

26 01 2011
Robbie

“It even comes with just a sprinkling of old school gender misogyny that allows the male bogan to feel in charge of the bitch that is the sucrose labour force as it sips on its pissy diet cola.” – possibly the best ending to a TBL post ever…deserves a farkin glassin’ 😛

27 01 2011
BCo

I have stumbled across a site where ordinary people spot what celebrities are drinking/wearing/driving and post it. Could the epitome of the bogan simply be the yearning to be a celebrity? Check it out (most of the top ten things in each category have featured on TBL): http://coolspotters.com/products/beverages?grid=spots

27 01 2011
Pandabater

You’ve picked it again TBL.
New Bogan merchandise frenzy awakes.

http://www.speedcafe.com.au/2011/01/27/first-pics-murphys-pepsi-commodore/

Wow. That’s so totally Max. TBL

28 01 2011
p'bee

did someone just vomit paint onto that car?

31 01 2011
Danny

“Artwork”. Designer Cameron Smith, hang your head in shame.

28 01 2011
daniel green

one f*cking update all week
this is outrageous!

28 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Did someone fart?

28 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

I want to have a spray about the hottest 100, but I probably couldn’t be bothered. OK, so bogans are fucking everything up, but you can’t blame them. The peasantry are just ignorant swill who do what they’re told by the priests, kings, soldiers, merchants or whoever else happens to hold the reins in any given epoch. So what if bogans have more cash now, they still spend it where they’re led. The sad thing is the hipsters aren’t much better. You could blame David Geffen perhaps, but since Nirvana broke there isn’t even an alternative anymore. Everything got packaged up in a shiny plastic wrapper and had a price tag nailed to it. The Evil Overlords learnt after the Sixties not to oppose, but co-opt and the philosophy bore full fruit in the nineties. These so called “hipsters” (you are defined as a hipster now if you deny being a hipster apparently) are a pale imitation of counter culture. More just another marketing segmentation. And yes, I stole that line from some dude writing in rolling stone or something or other. And sure you’re waaay to cool to admit out loud that you voted in the hottest 100, but you did didn’t you? And so that particular slice of alternative youth culture came out as an effete, insipid, passionless, conformist, wet, weak, indolent, derivative, aimless, indifferent, self indulgent wank.
Put down the credit card Tossers. You’re supposed to be making a difference.
did I miss something? was there some sort of announcement?
where’s my kool ade?
Fuck!

28 01 2011
SD

“alternative youth culture came out as an effete, insipid, passionless, conformist, wet, weak, indolent, derivative, aimless, indifferent, self indulgent wank”

Is that what happens when your parents are baby boomers?

28 01 2011
James Hunter

Nicely played Chubby, Straight to “Silly mid off”

28 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Hi Chubs,

Just so you know I utterly destroyed myself in the alps and am still trying to recover. I even had 2 days off booze!

Anyhow I perused the list, f*ck me, I did not know most of them but it seemed a very remix/dancey kind of middle road list. But that’s what the kids like I guess.

I like radio national now. And my Ipod I got for chrissy which I have loaded up with my fav atonal white noise and lesbian rock (my wifes description).

28 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh and the Stones winning, wasn’t that a rerelease of an old song by Angus. Isn’t that bogan? The tweet attached said it is a win for non bogans, how so. I was under the impression they are pretty bogan friendly. huh?

28 01 2011
p'bee

they’re in between, i think. the bogan choices for winner would have been cee-lo green because the bogan loves getting to swear along with the chorus, or that barbara streisand song. and apparently for some inexplicable reason, the remix of the old abc news theme. i don’t think i’ll ever get my head around how that got voted as 11th best song of the year.

28 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

bogans love a singalong.

30 01 2011
distinguished gentleman

Hey Simon, how did you go in the Alpine Challenge??

30 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Hi DG, 8 1/2 hrs for the 200km. Hardest thing I have done but an awesome challenge. Was on track for sub 8 hrs but got a bit of heat exhaustion on Mt Buffalo and had to stop for a while. Have you done it?

30 01 2011
Vviv2

‎”Political Correctness” is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end’.
A bogan with money is easily distracted……

31 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Or you wait for the turd to dry out.

31 01 2011
Vviv2

Gasp! Does this mean you’re NOT politically correct??
(I’m still laughing)

31 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I have made a life long study of not being correct #2. Just ask my wife. I do love that quote and will try to use it.

24 06 2011
Aspartame

Incredible to have a very long thread on Coke Zero/Pepsi Max and not one mention of the word “aspartame”. Doing any amount of research on this dreadful compound will cause any person with two firing neurons to run a million miles in the other direction. How these big companies are legally allowed to sell such poison boggles the mind.

24 06 2011
James Hunter

Aspartame,
Why not. They are allowed to sell sugar after all !

24 06 2011
Don't believe everything you read

Hey Aspartame, I know this guy in Nigeria who has a huge inheritance…

http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/aspartame.asp

5 02 2015
jimmy626

Pepsi Man is not just for bogans you know. Some people like it because of the way it taste and I should know as my big bro is addicted to the caffeine it provides him and the taste sensation it provides as a side effect. We drank it long before the bogans discovered it’s existence too.

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