#209 – Tiffany & Co.

19 01 2011

The female bogan will tell you that it likes Tiffany & Co jewellery. It is lying to you. In an elaborate and costly attempt to conceal this lie, it will spend many hundreds of dollars on Tiffany products. In a final act of masochism, the bogan will clench its teeth and wear its Tiffany jewellery every day. So why does the bogan cause itself this much pain? Let’s investigate.

In November 2009, Tiffany & Co opened a new retail store at the upmarket bogan-magnet Chadstone shopping complex. The bogan is always tempted to go to these high-profile events. Maybe there could be classy celebrities there, like Bec Hewitt. The femme bogue has followed the Hewitt’s storybook romance via the trashmedia Kraken, and one of the most beautiful and touching parts was when Lleyton gave Bec a $200,000 Tiffany’s engagement ring. The female bogan’s admiration for fine couture and luxury goods is well known, and Chadstone has all the Sex and the City-approved stores, including Louis Vuitton, Gucci, and Jimmy Choo. What’s also well known is the bogan’s ability to fight through the throngs and storm the doors.

Well usually. This time, the femme bogues sees something that stops it in its tracks. There is a line outside the Tiffany doors, and not just any ordinary line. A line with a velvet rope. The bogan joins the line and excitedly awaits the treasures within the store. After waiting for what seems like hours and sending about 7,000 text messages, the bogan is nodded through the doors by an exquisitely suited man. Having to wait in a classy and exclusive line only generally happens outside of a nightclub, and the bogan feels itself tipping into spending overdrive. Its credit card quivers in fear.

Inside, the bogan examines the shiny, expensive things. The problem for the bogan is that most of them don’t really look the way they should. The pieces are too subtle, too classic. The femme bogue’s initial elation at entering such a classy place, has turned to rage. Why spend $5,500 on a square linked white gold necklace, if someone five metres away can’t clearly see how classy it is? The bogan’s craving for public recognition of its luxury status must be fed.

When the bogan is leaving the store, it is conspicuously swinging a blue Tiffany & Co shopping bag. After selecting an extra large bracelet with a heart shaped silver tag on it, saying: “PLEASE RETURN TO TIFFANY & CO NEW YORK”. Now everyone will know how tasteful the bogan is.

Of course, as with all luxury goods, the bogan only wants more. And the femme bogue loves buying jewellery so much, it even buys miniature jewelery to form into wearable metajewellery. On its next visit to the store, the bogan is likely to see the Tiffany & Co shopping bag charm, with enamel finish in sterling silver. For just $285, the bogan will be able to wear as jewellery, a homage to shopping for jewellery. This will create a semantic vortex from which it will never emerge.


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111 responses

19 01 2011
CoffeeSnob

Pffft all that queuing and there wasn’t even any breakfast when I got there! Ripped off. The movie totally lied.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

Deja Vu again.
must be the meds.
Like Phaedrus, I quest for Quality. Tiffany doesn’t rate.
Manufacturing Jewellers Australia wide are going to the wall People!
support your local artisan.

19 01 2011
AlyssaKT

we HAVE read this one before! I don’t know what’s going on… It’s certainly not appearing earlier in The Full List – perhaps its original listing was inadvertently replaced by today’s NEW post??

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

the book
I’d call ’em lazy, but I love ’em

20 01 2011
AlyssaKT

I haven’t read the book…

Perhaps it was discussed so much by us that I THOUGHT I’d read this post before???

19 01 2011
caracal1788

Oh yes, those Tiffany dog tags. They know their market well and their desire for mass-produced branded items.

19 01 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Of course, I only buy from the New York store.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

surely One has a delightful little man in Zurich…

19 01 2011
James Hunter

Chubby,
I purchassed something so similar that from the end of a que you could not tell the difference and Mine only cost $7.50 personally engraved at “Pets are Us ” looks realy cute on the puppy.

19 01 2011
Beano

I thought the normal bogan picked up Spiffany stuff from that great Auction site.
El mucho cheaperer – looks exachary the same as the New York Stuff.

You know the stuff, makes your arm go green after a couple of weeks wearing.

19 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I had you down as a Michael Hill Jewelers only kind of gal Fiona.

19 01 2011
p'bee

or diva.

19 01 2011
DuxLux

Us blokes are still in shock after Thorpie wore pearls.

19 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Us queens aren’t surprised that the boy’s partial to a pearl necklace at all.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

this bloke wasn’t particularly surprised.

19 01 2011
DuxLux

Now he’s touted for a comeback, perhaps he can breakout the diamond encrusted sluggos.

19 01 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Ed Hardy sluggos with rhinestones and a roaring lion on the front.

19 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Was that a pun intended, the comeback?

Plus, to my dismay, he’s the Australian brand ambassador for Audi, which of course has several variants with the appellation of “Sportback”, namely the A3/S3, A5/S5 and A7.

Will it now be a case of the Sportback’s comeback, or the comeback’s Sportsback?

19 01 2011
SD

Not being a wearer of jools and having finding Tiffanys and Pandoras interchangeable, I have little to say. But I did wonder about

*the anal tag
*the mysterious numbers 1887 and 925 on the bracelet (surely it can be decoded to spell Satan)

The name Tiffany reminds me of children in beauty pageants, like the girl in the vid Viv posted – she should be renamed Tiffany.

19 01 2011
SD

duh, del having

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

.925 means silver dunnit?
I suspect the anal tag equates to the “reward” for buying the boguette Tiffany

19 01 2011
SD

Is that it? Like wearing a “charm” stating 24 ct!

A few of us have parents influenced by Gandhi. I don’t wear silk either.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

iconoclast

24 01 2011
yournamehere

All jewellery is stamped with a number that refers to the type of metal used. I’m pretty sure sterling silver is three hundred and something, 925 is probably white gold. It’s supposed to be in an inconspicuous place so you don’t notice…such as the inside of a ring, the clasp on a necklace etc.

24 01 2011
James Hunter

See Below.

19 01 2011
James Hunter

92.5% pure silver ootherwise known as “Sterling Silver”

19 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

925 does mean its sterling Silver and I assume 1887 would be the year Tiffany & Co started trading? Or the lowest price in store.

21 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Maybe they should also stamp, alongside the purity hallmark and the year of establishment, “124” next to them. Maybe add it as an extra charm

That enigma ought to baffle them (whilst adding an extra layer of “exclusivity”, but at least we’ll know!

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

an Indian woman who doesn’t like jewellery???

19 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Actually that child should be renamed Tiffany and then buried alive before she sings again.

19 01 2011
SD

Ha ha, unfortunately she will grow up to a under dressed “provocative” 17 year old lip synching songs.

19 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

or hopefully she will be a 17 year old butch lesbian that resents her mother and opts for a gender re-assignment as soon as she can lose enough weight to reduce the surgical risks. I am an optimist.

19 01 2011
SD

We shall meet in 12 years time at the same spot and hope for the best!

19 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

In case my optimism is misguided, I reserve the right to claim that all along i knew she would turn out like this.

19 01 2011
SD

Good God, where do you find these.

And the comments-lot of fans out there!

19 01 2011
James Hunter

Those girls would be a wow at Brophys Boxing Tent ?
It would need an oponent with long arms to land one.

19 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Longs arms, and possibly a snorkel in case of smothering.

19 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I’ve been a huge fan of Lolo Ferrari since the early 90’s – she died in 2000, just after releasing two singles – her main career was in porn and prostitution. She was guiness world record holder for her 54G norks and 22 breast enlargement operations! It’s very tragic but fascinating – When she died of an overdose of tranqs and antidepressants they ruled it suicide, a year later they exhumed her, re did the autopsy and charged her husband/manager/pimp with murder – he was put away for 13mths and then they dug her up again 12 months down the track, re-examined her and decided to let him go…. Her name Lolo is slang for tits in french. She was all clarse. She could hold the equivalent liquid of a two litre cask of cheap goon in each breast. Poor thing.

21 01 2011
XXX

Didn’t her implants explode on a flight once? Maybe that was sensational bullshit journalism, but I’m sure it’s true!

19 01 2011
p'bee

can’t help thinking they’d pop if a pin was stuck in them.

19 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Unfortunately? Tell that to the red-blooded men of the world, SD. Bogan or otherwise.

20 01 2011
SD

Oh Ash, unfortunately the use of “red blooded” marks you as bogan and Tamil (they love the word there)!

Out of interest, what colour is the blood of males who can’t get it up for a 17 year old Tiffany?!

20 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Half Tamil, SD – my darling mum is Fijian.

And yes, I’ve been pretty open about my bogan tendencies (particularly my love of #11, #18, #66 and, of course, the legendary #124).

19 01 2011
Tombarina

I know someone who was determined her first-born daughter would be named after her favourite shoppe in the whole world.

Unfortunately, by the time f-b daughter arrived, the world was awash with Tiffanys, Typhannees, T’fynaes and the name was utterly passe, dahlings.

So, mummy switched allegiances. Instead, named daughter Cartier.

19 01 2011
SD

There is potential for a subset of bogan names devoted entirely to jewel shops, cheap and otherwise. E.g.

Tiffany
Pandora
Autore
Cartier
Diva
Bulgari
Vancleef
Lalique
Diva
etc.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

also…
Rihanna
Anna Dello Russo
Kim Kardashian
Jennifer Aniston
Dior
Nina Ricci
Queen Latifah
Beyonce
Charlotte Gainsbourg
Michelle Obama
Miranda Kerr

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

bugger.
That was intended to be a list of potential bogan baby names based on “famous perfumiers” who would all actually just turn out to be celebrities.

great idea huh?
pity I cocked it up.
it was getting tedious anyway.

19 01 2011
SD

Good idea! But is Michelle O a “perfumer”? If not, I guess she soon will be.

21 01 2011
XXX

So are all African-American woman bogans then? Some of the names they come out with for their offspring are truly mind boggling;

Tayshaun,
Deron,
Rau’shee,
Raynell,
Deontay,
Taraje,
Jozy,
Kerron,
Hyleas,
Chaunte,
Bershawn,
Lashawn,
Sanya,
Trevell,
Sheena,
Ogonna,
Dremiel

These came from a website I was browsing recently. All made up by the parents.

19 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Jewelery shop inspired Boys names could also include:

Coote
Michael Hill
Proud
Thomas
Zamel

19 01 2011
DuxLux

…and for the Thorpie pearl lovers, we could name some little tacker

‘Pasparley’

19 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Or “Kailis”, as in the fishing family in WA who source pearls in Broome (that family of Greek origin in WA have become something of a dynasty, also prominent in medicine, food processing and jewellery, in addition to their seafood businesses).

One name that can be as ambiguous as claims about Thorpie’s sexuality would be Linney (another WA jeweller specialising in Broome pearls), as Lyn is usually considered a female name, though there are men around whose name is Lynne, though Lynas/Linus is the more common alternative.

21 01 2011
XXX

Don’t forget Prada.

19 01 2011
Pandabater

Someone asked the other day if Tiffany was bogan.
TBL have offered their opinion.
I agree, Bogans do not like Tiffany but I have a different
reason why, they do not sell a T-Shirt.

19 01 2011
MeAgain

Wow, that explains the queue I noticed while at Chadstone shopping centre. I thought maybe it was a new club, with a guy out standing front & even a rope! Then I noticed the badly dressed bogans waiting to get in & realised this was indeed the Tiffany’s store.

19 01 2011
MeAgain

* guy standing out front I meant.

19 01 2011
Shirley

‘Semantic vortex’. Very good. Very good indeed.

19 01 2011
Lucky Star

Just puts me in mind of Karrinyup Shopping Centre and Hay St here in Perth, where all the CUBs (Cashed Up Bogans) and their Boguette’s can go to spend all that hard earned mine money.

The thing is though, if the bogan wanted to look classy when it’s out wearing the jewellery, it wouldn’t go out wearing a tank top and short-shorts so short they’re right up it’s ar$e…

19 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Don’t forget Garden City shopping centre in the southern suburb of Booragoon in Perth, the other clarsy mall with both Myer and David Jones: that’s the South-of-the-River hub for the NaB/CUB, facilitating the removal of money (or platinum credit) for them…not like they’d wanna mix with the hoi-polloi at Westfield Carou-Hell (Carousel) or Centro Gonorrhoea (Galleria)…not enough clarsy outlets there, ‘n’ sh¡t, y’know, eh.

But like those malls latterly mentioned—noisy and offensive to the senses, the Gruen Transfer in action as they quite unabashedly are, both Karrinyup and Garden City attempt to position themselves as “premium”. But like the platinum cards they have recently co-opted (and with corresponding critique by the fine folks at TBL), it’s just another bloody agglomeration of chain stores, with another level of social stratification that permits those with the means to pull bogan rank.

Plus those two “upmarket chains” are in Wiberwal heartlands, of the nouveau riche type—to which bogans now “aspirate to their effluence” [sic]—of which the suburbs of Karrinyup and Booragoon have been home to this demographic since the late 1960s (both malls opened in the the early 1970s); unlike the (traditionally) Labored-voting rabbles of Cannington (Carousel) and Morley (Galleria), where the bogan has always been but has since evolved (I use the term loosely here) away from, though their shopping centres, with their still-accessible promises of instant gratification and conspicuous consumption, are still magnets for the newer generations of bogans, of whom primarily live nowadays on Perth’s periphery and arrive in convoys of SUVs, HSVs and XR6s continuously circling around for the nearest parking, whereas only a few of the OSBs still live nearby.

And finally, just like their “lower” bogan brethren, the NaB/CUB still looks just as skanky: they just happened to pay over double the garden variety bogue for that privelege, with a similar lack of understatement. Still blingy, still trashy.

20 01 2011
Lucky Star

Thanks Bag O’Turnips, I’d fogotten about Garden City, the Mecca for the SOR CUBs. Myer AND David Jones indeed! Not to mention nearly limitless stores of full of expensive gadets and shiny things to hold the bogans short attention span. Lot’s of maxxtreme status symbols buy to break in that platinum card!

Westfield Carou-Hell or Centro Gonorrhoea! Love it. Sums them up perfectly! Centro Diarrhoea would fit too.

We semi-regularly observe bogans in their natural habitat, a little like Jane Goodall with the apes, having a few bogan friends in the Morley/Beechboro area. Our observations tell us that there’s a completely different sub-class of bogans who frequent Centro Diarrhoea. I don’t know if there’s something in the water (actual diarrhoea maybe?) or if it’s just from years of inbreeding, but they seem to be a much denser kind of meat head bogan at those two shopping centres. The kind that sees you walking the the opposite way to them through the centre and then deliberately aims their trolley full of VB slabs at you ready to ram you. If they’re missing a trolley, they’re not above giving you a good hip and shoulder as they by on their way to K-Mart or Red Dot. The kind bogan who thinks nothing of “borrowing” Christmas or birthday money from little Jaiydyn or Jessykah to pay for their smokes for the week, and calling the affore mentioned kids “little c**ts” when they run riot through the shops. They think the 4 cent off dockets are a genuine saving after driving around the surburbs with the air con cranked up to find the cheapest servo – especially if you buy the drink and chips deal to boost it to a whopping 8 cents off! And they think their 15 year old V6 Commodore with a hole in the muffler totally sounds like it’s had the engine worked. The Femme-bogues think Diva sell classy well-made jewellery for a reasonable price, and that it’s appropriate for a mother bogue to dress just like her 15 year old daughter in a skirt the size of a belt with a tank top with no bra on (*shudder* think fried eggs hanging on a nail – oh, the horror!). All this seemed to be the norm when we last had to shop there. We don’t miss shopping there. The mental scars have almost healed. Almost..

My friend recently spotted one especially offensive bogan while walking through Carou-Hell, walking though the centre with his c*ck hanging out the front of his jeans, all the while grinning like an idiot, and no one doing a thing to stop him. Although, that being said, it’s probably considered normal everyday behaviour – perhaps he was just trying to prove his manhood was bigger than the boys involved in Dikileaks.

The only thing to top this was hearing about the patients at one of the branches of the company I work for down the Cannington/Armadale area. One girl, when given the patient consent forms looked blankly at my colleague and asked, “What’s ‘print name’ mean?” And when the same patient was asked, “Is rebekkarh your second name?”, she answered, “No, it’s my middle name.” Then there was the guy who came in with no shoes on and carrying a pair of pliers because he thought he’d have to remove his belly button piercing or the MRI scanner would rip it out. *sigh*

And I’ve probably rambled and gone a bit off topic, but you get the idea lol.

20 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

When The Gonorrhoea was owned by Westfield, I used to call it “Worst-felt Gonorrhoea”. Still feels just as bad under the ownership of Centro Properties. So I suppose the “Worst-felt” sobriquet can apply to their centres at Innaloo (hmm, does make one inclined to rush for the lavs with a bad case of loosening stools), Whitfords (where all the City Of Joondalup area knuckleheads congregate in a mass display of mindless philistinism) and of course, Carou-Hell. Could be used nationally to their other abominable temples of blatant consumerism.

Though I’ve never had that STI, I’m sure it’d be just as thoroughly unpleasant as going to that mall, especially on a Saturday or a Thursday night, when all the ferals and their assorted loinfruits come out to spend, spend, spend.

20 01 2011
Lucky Star

While I’ve never had an STI either, I think it would be a much more pleasant experience than Thursday night shopping at Centro Gonorrhoea. Two minutes of shopping there in such a vile concentrated atmosphere of bogandom made me feel absolutely sick and brought out my worst violent tendancies. I’ve never wanted to crack skulls more than when trying to navigate my way through a crowd of bargain hungry Morley bogans.

Actually, now I think about it, Lakeside Joondalup gives me similar feeling. There seems to be a large bogan factor up there too. Though not as nearly dense as the Morley bogans.

We shop at Innaloo Shopping Centre occasionally when we really have to go to a bigger shopping centre, and yes, I must say there are times where it can give you the feeling that you need to urgently void your bowels (and that’s before you’ve gone anywhere near the dodgy foodhall meals!). Especially when there are annoying bogans standing in the middle of the busy thoroughfares with their trolleys blocking the way while they have “conversations” (if you could call them that), as the often seem to do, and all the while their feral snot-faced children scream and run awok. But the snob and hipster populations seem to balance the bogan saturation levels out a bit more.

21 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I myself live in Morley: of the four general sections of that large suburb (Central Morley, where the Gonorrhoea is; North Morley, which basically follows Camboon Road towards Noranda; Hampton, which is East Morley with the Hampton Senior High and Carramar, which is the northeast corner), Carramar is where most of that suburb’s bogans—mainly of the OSB stripe) live.

This is especially so once you cross Benara Road, where it dissolves into Beechboro, when you well-and-truly slide into tiger country, an where the unreconstructed OSB indisputably rules: clapped-out EA Falcons and early 90s Magnas prowl the streets and where mullets and flannos are never out of fashion.

Still, I personally prefer to mingle (at a safe distance, of course) amongst these welfare-hardened oiks than ever having to deal with the NaBs and CUBs that are the main demographic of Leakside Joondalup (here’s my opinion on the fallacious idea that Joondalup is a tourist precinct in the name of extended trading hours, along with those hotbeds of hardcore boganity, Midland and Armadale) , armed with their out-and-out obnoxiousness and nanoscopic veneer of respectability they command by virtue of their mad-paying jerb in the moines or being a tradie.

At least with the OSB, I know exactly where I stand (thus being able to handle them in measured doses), whereas the NaB or CUB always has that implied threat of glassin’ violence upon the mildest of provocations.

21 01 2011
XXX

Just try anywhere in Boronia and I guarantee you’ll be happy to shop anywhere else!

21 01 2011
Lucky Star

XXX, sounds much like Corio, a suburb in Geelong where my brother lives. I think most of the cast of Jerry Springer keep Corio Shopping Centre in business.

21 01 2011
XXX

I stand corrected. Corio is worse than Boronia. One of my brothers lives in Newtown which is the only upmarket area in Geelong. I have passed through Corio on a few occasions and it is really the pits! Humanity is going backwards at an alarming rate there. Corio Shopping Centre – I cannot even imagine!

3 02 2011
Louise

Ahem. Highton & Belmont are the new Newtown, now that nobody can afford Newtown anymore.

Corio is still Corio, only possibly more so. It’s got even worse in the decade that we have lived in Geelong, and we only have to drive through it.

It’s the young pregnant teenage girls that depress me the most, already with a baby Jaxxxsen or Mackay-lah in a pram. Mum complete with fag in mouth, chugging a huge iced coffee drink, still squeezed into skin tight jeans with thongs and a crass tight t-shirt. Or even more depressingly, sometimes, a far-too-short school uniform…….

Father of said baby known as Macka, Spike, Coonsey, etc. Father of baby to be, probably Macka’s best mate. Or brother.

Oh and it’s not Boronia, it’s Bur-OWN-ya. Give it a good bogan twang if you want to pronounce it properly.

21 01 2011
XXX

Oh! We just got a brand new Centrelink and it’s right beside Boronia Railway Station! Happy times! As if we didn’t have enough druggies and dickheads hanging around already!

21 01 2011
Lucky Star

lol XXX, the folks in Hamlyn Heights would have your head if they heard only Newtown is any good!! Mind you, many of the snobs there have been replaced CUBs these days I believe.

I think the people who live around Corio/Norlane aren’t quite right. I think years of huffing fumes from the nearby Shell Refinery has altered them at the genetic level.

Awesome combination there for Boronia! As if train stations don’t attract enough ferals to begin with. Wellington St Bus/Train Station here in Perth always has someone hanging around trying to bum a smoke or “borrow $2 for the bus”… yeah, right, as if it’s for the bus. I think they closed the Centrelink up the street from there quite a while ago, but the damage was done and the ferals stayed put.

21 01 2011
XXX

Boronia already had a massive problem prior to Centrelink. You should see the Police Station – it’s like something out of Northern Ireland the way they have built it into the ground and has wire around the top. It’s like a conspiracy to fuck the place up as completely as possible. Build a Safeway right next to the Railway Station, add a Centrelink and a McDonalds within spitting distance. It’s druggie and bogan central! Centrelink has only been open for about a month, so goodness knows how much worse it can get!

24 01 2011
XXX

Not to sink the boot into the poor souls that genuinely want to get off heroin, but every pharmacy in Boronia is a methadone clinic – every single one! We have quite a few and one of them is right beside the railway station. A pharmacist friend tells me that most druggies use methadone as a supplement rather than a replacement for heroin. These places attract dealers like flies. I used to sit in the window of the local gym and have a coffee occasionally and that was within 50m of both the chemist and the railway station (and now Centrelink). The police were there constantly because bogans and druggies were always fighting. They have no insight into their behaviour, screaming and punching on over just about anything. Every now and again they would come into the gym to try and get use of the phone or something else, but the owner was an intimidating looking guy (ripped) and knew how to handle them after owning the place for quite a few years. That was probably the best entertainment of all!

Boronia also got a Gloria Jeans about a year ago in our local Mall. The Boronia bogans who think they have class go there. Guess what? It is attached to a chemist and I mean literally. You have to enter the chemist shop and walk up some stairs to get into the Gloria Jeans. I guess you can get your methadone while you are there. Another entry leads to the doctor’s surgery. I am not kidding!!!!!

3 02 2011
Louise

See my reply, only a few above this one – people in Belmont / Highton might feel the same! (Belmont for me) 🙂

21 01 2011
Lucky Star

lol BO’T, nothing wrong with Morley itself! We rented over there, between Beechboro Road Nth and Walter Road East for about 2 years before we bought our current house. The bogan population was there, but it wasn’t too bad. The Benara Rd/Beechboro area is where most of my bogan friends hail from. The ones who haven’t gone country that is. I do have to agree, you know where you stand with them and most of them aren’t in denial of their boganity. Not like CUBs who seem to think they’re better than everyone else, when in fact they’re bogan to the bone. In fact one family I know are quite proud to be old school skull-tattooed, mullet and flanno wearing bogans. Even the kids have mullets to be just like their step dad! They regularly partake in backyard barbeques with the neighbours, blasting Guns’n’Roses and AC/DC throughout the neighbourhood while sinking cans of Woodstock. They’ll have heated arguements about who was a better front man for AC/DC, Bon or the other guy, and turn the air blue with profanity should someone disagree with their preference. But there’s little chance of someone getting glassed or a punch up occuring. Not unless that person is unfortunate enough to venture into Beeches Tavern on a bad night!

It’s the CUBs with the hotted up utes and their spoiled screaming brats that peeve me. We have a number of those masquarading as “normal” people the area of Tuart Hill that I’m in now. There have been a number of times where they’ve come flying around the corner of our normally quiet street in some black V8 ute of death and nearly cleaned me up crossing the street. I hate to think what would happen if my neighbours kids happened accidently run out on the road. There’s no way one of these meat heads would stop in time! There’s one who lives behind me who thinks it’s appropriate to tune his motorcycle or his ute (whichever has broken down this week) at 6.30am. Grrr!

Ellenbrook, for us, has become synonymous with CUBs North of the River though, having known of a number of them through our bogan friends. A couple of them lost half-mil McMansions to the bank when the money-earning male bogan lost his job on the mines in the financial crisis. Friends of ours nearly lost their family home they were renting because the CUBs owning it couldn’t afford their McMansion AND the rental property when the male of the species lost his job on the mines, so they decided to sell the rental and made such a dog’s breakfast of it that our friends just moved out anyway.

Your comments on Joondalup pretty much sum up the feelings both myself and my hubby have on it. That “tourist precinct” thing was crap! But I can see the logic behind it. It was the only way to get the people still stuck in 1950 to see that late night trading can work. But most places up there didn’t even start late night trading until everywhere else was doing it. Bit like a mindless bogan schoolgirl following the crowd. Oh! if only it was like Ellenbrook, with one road in and out… then we could block it off and burn the whole lot.

21 01 2011
XXX

Everyone knows that ACDC was only good in the Bon years! Oh shit, I’m a bogan!

24 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

No, you just have taste.

20 01 2011
Tombarina

Ugh. Here in sodden Brissy-town, we, too have a Garden City.

It’s neither verdant, nor cosmopolitan. It does, however, have 300 truly shite stores and Centrelink.

Oh, and its utterly incongruous mascot is a peacock. To indicate exoticism and all that crap….

20 01 2011
James Hunter

Tomba,
Here in the Newcastle area we have a “Greenhills” shopping centre. A “Stocklands expanse of shite and concrete.
Never a treen or any other greenery to be seen !
Maybe it is mewnt to be evocative of what they destroyed ?

13 01 2012
Meow

Oh, the old garbage city. And to think people still go there over Carindale, which is ‘all class’, since it’s got carpet.

19 01 2011
Loftie

My wife was selling Tiffany & Co jewellery on ebay about 18 months ago…
Suspiciously – it was ordered from a wholesaler in China… who managed to send us around 20 pieces of T&C jewellery for the bargain basement price of $400.00…
When it was put on ebay – we could not STEM the amount of bids that were being placed on the items… it was incredible… and if only i could remember all the bogue usernames that were bidding…

We ended up making about $1500.00 from the whole lot… and there were at least 15 bogans out there who got ‘genuine’ chinese T&C products…

I’ll bet that there were a few jealous boguette’s out there wearing pandora bracelets… knowing that the wearer of the T&C bracelet didn’t have to take it up the ass in order to get the shiny new T&C bracelet…

20 01 2011
Penn

And YOU’RE what’s wrong with eBay…I hope Karma catches up with you…

20 01 2011
Loftie

How is what I’ve done with eBay ‘WRONG’??

The items were described perfectly – stating that they were ‘replica’ T&C jewellery?

Not one complaint from all of the buyers… ALL left positive feedback…

So – who has screwed you on eBay Penn…??

If Karma catches up with me – it owes me big time… because I am WAY in credit… and have had no favours from Karma yet…

13 01 2012
Meow

I hope that the police prosecute your wife for dealing with counterfeit products that fund criminal organisations.

20 01 2011
AlyssaKT

I had a similar immediate reaction Penn – then realised that stupidity is stupidity and plenty of people don’t care if they’re wearing fakes.
As Lofty said, his wife stated they were replicas.
Reminds me of the marketplace in Kuala Lumpur (and many south-east Asian contries popular with stupid white people) where people go nuts over “genuine copies” of gaudy designer labelled shit.

20 01 2011
Loftie

No different than the annual bogan pilgrimage to Bali to buy cheap sunglasses and billabong t-shirts…

Penn – did I mention that i bought a “REAL” rolex too??? It was only $100.00!!
Surely i’ve outsmarted those people who pay thousands for the same thing…

Its the same thing – right???

20 01 2011
pulang

You know you’re in a bogan holiday mecca when, alongside the rip-off international brand names, are rip-off AFL and rugby league team jerseys…

20 01 2011
Lucky Star

You know you’re a bogan when you do what my boss just did… she was in Bali for 2 weeks, and was proudly telling everyone she now has a Bintang shirt in every colour and a Bintang towel in every colour. Yuck!! lol

21 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

My closest mates want to go to Bali in July and have roped me in along for the ride—if it weren’t for them, I’d have no desire to go there again. Went there on a stopover back from Italy in 1993 and I couldn’t stand the place, with all those bumptious Aussie tourists who thought they were King Dick for a week, living the high life amongst the local poverty…even at eighteen, I had a social conscience.

I warned my friends that whilst there, there was no way on Earth I’d succumb to purchasing a Bintang singlet, no way. I’d rather buy some batik clothes to bring back home as a true local souvenir, rather than a tacky singlet and some STI caught from picking up a fellow Aussie who doesn’t like using dingers there on vacation.

21 01 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Lol, don’t do it man. “Balinese batik” is pretty much the equivalent of coming to Australia and buying a cork hat. They make it just for the tourists who want a “traditional” souvenir. Go up to Ubud and buy some local jewellery or something instead.

21 01 2011
clipper

My partner at the time insisted we go to Bali and insisted on buying me a batik shirt, which as you say they make for the tourists, as it lasted for 1 week after I got home and then unravelled.

21 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Thanks for the tip-offs, folks. Maybe I won’t buy anything, unless I am truly drawn to it.

Still, cheaparsed batik is a better proposition than any Bintang-branded merchandise any day!

14 02 2011
Circus

This is horrible. Just horrible. Do you guys all love to just sit there and dream up such horrible sh… to say here all day? And then make your money from these people too?
What do you do for a REAL life?

We own and operate a Tiffany & Co. Franchise in outer Melbourne. TBL

20 07 2011
Ash - I Don't Want To Glass Carnts But The Guvmint Controls My Mind

I sell children heroin.

20 07 2011
Mick - Flying With Bogans Since 2008

I import it.

20 07 2011
Pandabater

See above, I sell tickets.

20 07 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Wanna buy shares in the moon?

19 01 2011
The Quote Train

Did anyone notice there is a show on channel 7 called ‘Conviction Kitchen’?

19 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

The telly at work was on Se7en and I noticed the promo for this abortion of an idea.

Good whichever deity you choose: has reality TV come to this? They are verily sucking on the lees when it has come to this. I mean, what fücking next? Freedom Ticket, a show where one of a dozen asylum seekers holed up on Christmas Island are given a chance at residency if they subject themselves to even more humiliation with debasing contests, just to entertain the bogan and further fuel their already cromulent sense of self-entitlement?

I wouldn’t put the idea past the television executives, so devoid are they of morality and humanity.

20 01 2011
Sheriff struggle

The first asylum seeker that shows signs of assimilating to the Aussie way of life is set free. Cue “reffos” grabbing Australian flags and using them as capes. Maybe even crudely fashioning chevy badges out of cutlery.

21 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

BoT – You should pitch that to Nein.

21 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I’m sure the idea would indeed boost Nein’s flagging ratings and wildly appeal to their target demographic, but out of a deeper care for humanity, especially refugees, I’ll politely decline your suggestion, Ash.

I’m grateful that you, in spite of having self-confessed boganic proclivities, can come to terms with these and acknowledge them, unlike the vast unwashed majority of the bogan populace…I like your posts, you add a useful perspective to the conversation.

21 01 2011
XXX

Just doing a brief look around YouTube tells you that this is not an original concept. There is already an American version running that looks suspiciously like the one that is about to run here. Looks like a franchise to me! Does that make our TV execs any less morally bankrupt though?

20 01 2011
AlyssaKT

When it was in production Seven were advertising said “Conviction Kitchen” as a Brisbane restaurant we could eat at with the possibly of GETTING (your mug) ON TELEVISION!!! – that is obviously a big drawcard for the bogan.
I suspected it would be convicted criminals still serving sentences who would be staffing it. Ex cons = boring. ha

19 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

I don’t have much to say on this topic, so I’ll just share my Bogue Encounter of the day.

When I was on the train from Woolooware to the city, a group of young bogues go on at Sutherland Station (somewhat unrelated, but the further away you go from the beach in the Shire, the more bogans/lads you’re likely to encounter. Of course, they all gather at Miranda Fair) with their BMXs and scooters in my section. I chose to ignore them cause I was reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but needless to say they were making complete knob-ends of themselves.

And the names I caught were Jaxxxun, Braidyn and Jaydyn (my guess at spelling). And I think Braidyn had a girlfriend called Breeannyah who is, by Jaxxxun and Jaydyn’s estimation, a slag.

19 01 2011
urbanreverie

Hi Ash,

My best mate used to drive buses on Friday and Saturday nights in Sutherland Shire, a service called the “Shire Shuttle” which got partygoers from all the skank-laden, aggro-heavy glassing barns in Cronulla back home to suburbs such as Engadine and Jannali.

He now has a pathological hatred of the Shire. He refers to the brats he used to ferry around as “shire angels”, with not a small amount of bitter mockery in his voice.

Yet from what you’ve described (and hailing from the southwestern suburbs myself, I’m not that familiar with local variations within the Shire), it seems that there are areas of the Shire where people, such as your good self, are on average a bit more decent.

A couple of questions, which a local like you might be able to answer. Those xenophobic young Woodstock-fuelled bogans who went apesh!t on Cronulla Beach back in December 2005 which sparked the worst racial violence this country has seen since the 1920s. Where were they from? I had just assumed that they were all from Cronulla, within walking distance of the beach. Did they come from further west in the Shire, or even from places like Liverpool or Blacktown?

And how would you cure my mate’s Sutherlandophobia? Would he find the Shire more agreeable if he, say, had lunch in one of the footpath cafes in the Cronulla CBD in the daytime?

Thanks in advance for your help!

20 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Hi UR,

The general rule is to avoid Miranda Fair at any time and avoid the beach during December/January, otherwise, it’s a great place. The mall itself draws bogans and lads like flies to sh*t 12 months a year, so I avoid it except when I want to watch a movie. I myself grew up in Cronulla and went to Woolooware High – while we had a few bogans (and I was mates with them through footy) we had way more surfies and stoners.

For 10 months a year, the beach is the best in the city – consistent surf for us surfers but safe enough spots for swimmers, the best cafes anywhere in Sydney (and I say this having been all over the city, mind you) and you can even get a drink at some of the local glassin’ barns at night without fear of said glassing. It’s only in summer (primarily December/January) that the beach is infested with bogan roid monkeys 24/7 (this has gotten even worse since the riots) who think the beach belongs to them even though they’re not even locals. Although there are certain places I avoid all year (Fusions and Carmens).

The rioters themselves – I can guarantee that at least two thirds of them were from the afore-mentioned McMansion belt, and the rest were probably from places like Engadine. I have a mate who used to be a lifeguard and was there on the day of the riots – he said there were almost no people that he (or I) recognised rioting on either side.

I can understand your mate’s hatred of the Shire – shit, I’d hate the place if my job involved driving around the Shire scum at night from the party spots to the suburbs – but if he came down to Cronulla St during a nice warm spring/autumn day, had a coffee and something to eat at one of the cafes and then headed to the beach to sit and watch the world go by, he’d like the place a lot more.

25 01 2011
Tom

I am one of the shire scum you mentioned, gettin’ driven back to Sutherland after a night at Carmens. Cept i live in east hills. Used to do it every week, and had to sleep at Sutho station with all the bloody rats until my train back to Hurstville. Fusions and Carmens were reasonably multicultural back then, Fusions in particular seems to have alot of islanders. Used to be fun for me an my mates to walk right past the massive line and through the door right after Northies closed hahahaha good times

20 01 2011
Victory

If a Bogan chick does happen to acquire a piece of Tiffany jewellery she ALWAYS has to advertise that it came from Tiffany’s. It will be enforced again and again that this piece of bling came from Tiffany’s. Just in case some of her friends or colleagues thought that her boyfriend might have bought it at Angus & Coote or Michael Hill during a sale. That would NEVER do !

21 01 2011
Googly Joe Enterprises

can the next blog be on Body Shop Parties…. bogans love that shit

21 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

…and other parties where the sole aim is to sell useless and/or overpriced doodads, like (trashy) lingerie and Tupperware parties. Ugh.

24 01 2011
AK

Here’s a good one. Compare the price of the same random item between the Australian version of their site and the US version (same host);

http://au.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=19431614&mcat=148204&cid=287458&search_params=s+1-p+1-c+287458-r+601323351-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+-k+

$635K AUD

Now have a look at the US version for the exact same thing;

http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=19431614&mcat=148210&cid=287458&search_params=s+1-p+1-c+287458-r+101323351-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+-k+

$470K USD

So, T&Co. you take advantage of the bogan by charging a whopping additional markup, on top of a nice big markup already applied. Nice work! 😉

27 04 2011
JollyMunkie

I went to a party last night, and a girl was wearing one of these heart bracelets. I only knew about them after reading the blog about anal earlier in the afternoon. I asked her if it was a Tiffany. She said it was and looked at her boyfriend adoringly and said that he gave it to her. I had to put on my best poker face, but inside I was crying hysterically.

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