The female bogan will tell you that it likes Tiffany & Co jewellery. It is lying to you. In an elaborate and costly attempt to conceal this lie, it will spend many hundreds of dollars on Tiffany products. In a final act of masochism, the bogan will clench its teeth and wear its Tiffany jewellery every day. So why does the bogan cause itself this much pain? Let’s investigate.
In November 2009, Tiffany & Co opened a new retail store at the upmarket bogan-magnet Chadstone shopping complex. The bogan is always tempted to go to these high-profile events. Maybe there could be classy celebrities there, like Bec Hewitt. The femme bogue has followed the Hewitt’s storybook romance via the trashmedia Kraken, and one of the most beautiful and touching parts was when Lleyton gave Bec a $200,000 Tiffany’s engagement ring. The female bogan’s admiration for fine couture and luxury goods is well known, and Chadstone has all the Sex and the City-approved stores, including Louis Vuitton, Gucci, and Jimmy Choo. What’s also well known is the bogan’s ability to fight through the throngs and storm the doors.
Well usually. This time, the femme bogues sees something that stops it in its tracks. There is a line outside the Tiffany doors, and not just any ordinary line. A line with a velvet rope. The bogan joins the line and excitedly awaits the treasures within the store. After waiting for what seems like hours and sending about 7,000 text messages, the bogan is nodded through the doors by an exquisitely suited man. Having to wait in a classy and exclusive line only generally happens outside of a nightclub, and the bogan feels itself tipping into spending overdrive. Its credit card quivers in fear.
Inside, the bogan examines the shiny, expensive things. The problem for the bogan is that most of them don’t really look the way they should. The pieces are too subtle, too classic. The femme bogue’s initial elation at entering such a classy place, has turned to rage. Why spend $5,500 on a square linked white gold necklace, if someone five metres away can’t clearly see how classy it is? The bogan’s craving for public recognition of its luxury status must be fed.
When the bogan is leaving the store, it is conspicuously swinging a blue Tiffany & Co shopping bag. After selecting an extra large bracelet with a heart shaped silver tag on it, saying: “PLEASE RETURN TO TIFFANY & CO NEW YORK”. Now everyone will know how tasteful the bogan is.
Of course, as with all luxury goods, the bogan only wants more. And the femme bogue loves buying jewellery so much, it even buys miniature jewelery to form into wearable metajewellery. On its next visit to the store, the bogan is likely to see the Tiffany & Co shopping bag charm, with enamel finish in sterling silver. For just $285, the bogan will be able to wear as jewellery, a homage to shopping for jewellery. This will create a semantic vortex from which it will never emerge.