Geologists are unable to explain this one. The bogan, one of the most abundant elements on the Australian continent, has managed to swathe its existence in one of the rarest elements in the Earth’s crust (at just 0.0005mg/kg). This calls for an investigation into the bogan’s rampant infatuation with platinum.
While the bogan is aware of its natural aptitude for going to work in the mines, is has only a vague awareness that platinum is a metal that comes from mines and riverbeds. This is because 90% of the world’s platinum is sourced from Russia and South Africa, and these countries are unwilling to pay bogans enough money to purchase jet skis. However, this is not to say that the bogan is not an expert.
In a rare example of the bogan subscribing to the theory that it is better to give than receive, bogankind has bestowed 14 different platinum sales accreditations upon P!nk, 7 upon Kings of Leon, 5 upon David Guetta, and dozens more upon other fleeting chart sensations who have managed to press the bogan’s buttons. Female bogans have also tried very hard to convince their spouses that they should give the female a $10,000 platinum diamond ring from the bogan’s ultimate jeweller, Tiffany & Co. While bogans are generally unwilling to establish what it might be about platinum metal that makes it desirable, they are very aware that it is a synonym for “awesome celeb”, and that they urgently require it in their lives.
Like many things that are awesome celeb, however, things with the word ‘platinum’ in their name tend to be expensive. In a gloriously perverse example of a boganic feedback loop, banks have informed the bogan that it can finance its immediate need for platinum via a platinum credit card. Originally the domain of high net worth individuals, the race towards the mass market commenced when banks and credit card issuers realised just how much extra the bogan is willing to pay in order to go platinum.
HSBC’s platinum Visa card is open to people with just $50,000 of annual income, despite being marketed as “exclusive, elusive, and not for everyone”. Even this modest level of exclusivity bothered some bogans, though, who demanded awesome celeb platinum status regardless of their personal circumstances.
Enter bogan Bali facilitator Jetstar, with its Jetstar Platinum Mastercard. The card features an income requirement of $30,000 per year, an exclusive threshold far above the $29,714 per year set by Fair Work Australia in June 2010 as the minimum legal full time salary. Just like the systematic pillaging of all meaning from the term “couture” undertaken by fashion marketers over the past fifteen years, the bogan has commissioned and achieved platinum status by stealth. It only has to pay $149 to Jetstar each year, compared to $49 for the non-platinum card. And pay 7% more interest on its purchases of P!nk albums.