#208 – Platinum

17 01 2011

Geologists are unable to explain this one. The bogan, one of the most abundant elements on the Australian continent, has managed to swathe its existence in one of the rarest elements in the Earth’s crust (at just 0.0005mg/kg). This calls for an investigation into the bogan’s rampant infatuation with platinum.

While the bogan is aware of its natural aptitude for going to work in the mines, is has only a vague awareness that platinum is a metal that comes from mines and riverbeds. This is because 90% of the world’s platinum is sourced from Russia and South Africa, and these countries are unwilling to pay bogans enough money to purchase jet skis. However, this is not to say that the bogan is not an expert.

In a rare example of the bogan subscribing to the theory that it is better to give than receive, bogankind has bestowed 14 different platinum sales accreditations upon P!nk, 7 upon Kings of Leon, 5 upon David Guetta, and dozens more upon other fleeting chart sensations who have managed to press the bogan’s buttons. Female bogans have also tried very hard to convince their spouses that they should give the female a $10,000 platinum diamond ring from the bogan’s ultimate jeweller, Tiffany & Co. While bogans are generally unwilling to establish what it might be about platinum metal that makes it desirable, they are very aware that it is a synonym for “awesome celeb”, and that they urgently require it in their lives.

Like many things that are awesome celeb, however, things with the word ‘platinum’ in their name tend to be expensive. In a gloriously perverse example of a boganic feedback loop, banks have informed the bogan that it can finance its immediate need for platinum via a platinum credit card. Originally the domain of high net worth individuals, the race towards the mass market commenced when banks and credit card issuers realised just how much extra the bogan is willing to pay in order to go platinum.

HSBC’s platinum Visa card is open to people with just $50,000 of annual income, despite being marketed as “exclusive, elusive, and not for everyone”. Even this modest level of exclusivity bothered some bogans, though, who demanded awesome celeb platinum status regardless of their personal circumstances.

Enter bogan Bali facilitator Jetstar, with its Jetstar Platinum Mastercard. The card features an income requirement of $30,000 per year, an exclusive threshold far above the $29,714 per year set by Fair Work Australia in June 2010 as the minimum legal full time salary. Just like the systematic pillaging of all meaning from the term “couture” undertaken by fashion marketers over the past fifteen years, the bogan has commissioned and achieved platinum status by stealth. It only has to pay $149 to Jetstar each year, compared to $49 for the non-platinum card. And pay 7% more interest on its purchases of P!nk albums.


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168 responses

17 01 2011
djm

Praseodymium is the new Platinum.

17 01 2011
Werdna

No it’s not. It’s too common.

17 01 2011
Shirley

Platinum will soon become passe and I predict it will be superseded with Unobtainium.

17 01 2011
James Hunter

Shirl,
Maybe a “Rare Earths ” card ?

17 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

For true exclusivity, try the Astatine Card—astatine is the rarest of all the known naturally-occuring elements. Only about 28 grams is believed to exist in nature.

18 01 2011
Werdna

And it’s deadly. Bogues will die to get their hands on this stuff.

17 10 2011
Winchart

Perfect!!! Astatine is from the Greek ‘astatos’ meaning unstable

17 01 2011
Pandabater

Only an extra $100.00 a year for platinum bragging rights.
Interest schrimtrest.
Thats less than 1 can of Mother a week.

17 01 2011
MeAgain

Not sure what to say… bogans are simple minded folk & breed very young.

17 01 2011
Madkarnt

Totally mad for Platinum trophies on the PS3. Does this make me bogan? Maybe. They are, at times, incredibly hard and time consuming to achieve. Certainly makes me a reclusive nerdy antisocial grot. I like to think the average bogan is incapable of being total gaming experts – well they might be on their Wii. I can just image them flaying their arms wildy without even realising that you can achieve most of the motion control demands with simple wrist movements.

17 01 2011
James Hunter

MK,
Your nuts , bogans reserve all simple wrist movements for something else !!!

17 01 2011
Snag

I believe Call of Duty is about the limit of bogan gaming. It’s over-hyped, over-advertised, over-priced and takes little skill to succeed in, which suits perfectly.

18 01 2011
MIck

A lot of the bogans at my work last year were very into Modern Warfare 2, guess it’s similar enough to CoD to be classed as the same game.

18 01 2011
Benny Hill

You serious? Bogan’s go straight for the cheats after about 10 minutes of trying in ‘easy’ mode…

21 01 2011
Snag

Modern Warfare 2 is Call of Duty. It’s the 6th installment of the CoD series.

17 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Platinum is bright and shiny.

17 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

That’s what they said about Aluminium when the Amercians put it on top of the Washington Monument. At the time, it was as expensive as Silver, but the Hall-Heroult process that was developed later contributed to a massive decrease in its value.

The same will happen with Platinum one day and the bogan will develop a taste for Nobelium or something like that.

Also, in interesting research on Platinum just hot off the press, apparently platinum is used as a catalyst in the manufacture of the silicone rubber and gel components of several types of medical implants (such as breast implants). Therefore there’s a possibility that platinum could enter the body and cause adverse effects in the femme bouge population; not that you’d notice anything out of the ordinary in the first place…

17 01 2011
Will S

It’s also used in catalytic converters… however they make cars less maxxtreme, so the bogan does not like them.

20 05 2011
Miss P

Platinum is actually not bright in jewelery…its more grey/silver looking whereas whitegold is brighter and shinier. Bogans don’t appreciate this metal and would say ‘its so dark’ and swap for white gold.

As for T&Co – for 10k you get a rubbish overpriced ring. I guess bogans like getting ripped off.

17 01 2011
Pandabater

Seeing how after the collapse of the Power Balance Band there is a world wide glut of energy charged holograms, they should make them into credit cards.
“The energy contained within the hologram actually lowers the balance of your debt”

17 01 2011
Pandabater

Oops that should be;
“The energy contained within the hologram MAY actually lower the balance of your debt”

There, thats legal taken care of.

17 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I noticed a young bogue working at my IGA still wearing a power balance band. At what point can I say something? Can I get away with accusing it’s mysterious powers on my increasing grocery bills and ask for a significant refund. When asked for evidence, I will offer anecdotal evidence of how I felt my bills where larger whenever he scanned his wrist band near my items. That’s it, I’ve convinced myself. I’m going to ACA and TT.

17 01 2011
betterthantheoriginalwally

It was a present from his/her Gran. If he doesnt wear it, it may affect her already weak heart an bladder.

18 01 2011
The Court Jester

I’d go one further, V’v, and engage Slater and Gordon to commence an action in the Maxxxtreme Court on your behalf.

You could claim a consumer rights breach through the said price increase on your grocery bill, caused by the awesome powers of the checkout-bogue’s band. And, should you accidentally fall somewhere on the supermarket’s premises due to discombobulation caused by the power field, then you could also mount an action in the tort of negligence.
No win, no fee of course.

17 01 2011
Legless on Thalidomide

Ooooo, shiny! It seems bogans are akin to Jackdaws.

18 01 2011
The Court Jester

As well as frequently slack-jawed.

18 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

As well as being jackasses and lovin’ the Jackass franchise.

17 01 2011
Aaron

LOL.vivi
As usual, Cm is grinning ear to ear.
But also dumbfounded as to where he will shop for F.O.T.
*Messenger

17 01 2011
stone free

I dare say that the Platinum Credit Cards can only be superseded by the new sparkly Rhodium Credit Card…. just doesn’t have the same ring to it though.

17 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I’m currently applying for a Vajazzle Card -It’s tandoori orange and it has genuine Swarovski Crystals and the interest is a kunt to pay off. I hope I get one.

18 01 2011
The Court Jester

I’ve heard it also rewards frequent diners…

17 01 2011
Polypropelene

Is Tiffany & Co really bogan? :/
Most bogans I know would just label it as stuff only pretentious rich people buy.
Suppose that makes Breakfast at Tiffany’s the bogans favourite classic movie, too.

17 01 2011
Shirley

Tiffany isn’t bogan per se, but bogans love it because it’s a pretentious and expensive brand.

Bogans don’t have favourite classic movies (or books for that matter). Unless Die Hard counts.

17 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

You forget Fast and Furious Shirley.

18 01 2011
Mr Q

Surely the fact there was a Transformers 2 is proof that Transformers was the most maxxtreme bogue movie in history.

17 01 2011
Tone

Bogans love conspicuous consumption. That’s why they have to buy (usually fake) Louis Vitton accessories with maxtreme sized logos on them, as well as Ralph Lauren polo shirts where the pony emblem is sized more like a clydesdale.

At this point I could make a really crap joke and speculate that the bogan’s preferred platinum card issuer is NAB.

17 01 2011
Tombarina

…yet you restrained yourself. Well, done, Tone!

17 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

As much as the bogan loves to rail at the four majors, they just don’t have the gumption to utilise credit unions…too obscure for them and the branches don’t look flashy enough.

17 01 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

Yeah there tends to be less explosions and topless shots in classic movies.
They need to remake movies like Vertigo, where the main character cures his illness by base jumping off of an exploding building.
I was thinking perhaps Vin Diesel could play Jimmy Stewart’s role but….
Admitting you have Vertigo is admitting a weakness, something the bogan will not do. It seems they go to great lengths to hide their weaknesses, especially while driving it’s ute with the seat far back (to hide that they are a short arse), failing to read road signs and alerts (because of it’s nearsightedness), all the while abusing (with a speech impediment) another driver because they stopped at a red octagon shaped sign.

17 01 2011
Tombarina

The bogan has ‘substitute’ classics.

It knows that Old Stuff is crap, but New Stuff is excellent. And the best New Stuff has explosions’n’Angelina’s baps’n’$hit.

But best of all – for the bogan, you understand, is not a cretin – is a truly craptacular new film which rips off entire scenes, ideas, etc from classics. Or, as the bogan calls it, a remake.

For eg, instead of Vertigo, they have Cliffhanger.

For Psycho, Saw (+ all of its equally high-quality sequels).

All About Eve = Burlesque
Notorious = Mr & Mrs Smith
The Godfather = Underbelly
The Cars That Ate Paris = Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
The Philadelphia Story = Knocked Up
Ben Hur = Troy. Or Alexander. Or Gladiator.
North By Northwest = Die Hard 4.0
War of the Worlds = Independence Day (which I still totally dig)
Paths of Glory = Rambo
Gone With The Wind = Legends of the Fall
From Here To Eternity = Cast Away (Oh, please. Do.)
A Night To Remember = Titanic

Any others?

17 01 2011
Jeez Louise

I just can’t see Christina Aguilera or Cher saying, “Strap yourselves in. It’s going to be a bumpy night.”

17 01 2011
Tombarina

Tragically, I can.

Only, saying “on” – not “in”.

17 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters, Lover of Massive Cans

Oi Shirl, Die Hard (the first) is awesome.

17 01 2011
Tombarina

Seconded.

18 01 2011
Shirley

Not implying that Die Hard is not awesome kids. Just suggesting that it’s about as classic as it gets for the bogan.

17 01 2011
Pandabater

The only brands that Bogans don’t like are the ones they have left behind.
The New Age Bogan has moved on from the old school brands & now seeks
to immerse himself into the world of luxury now that he has the means to
acquire the credit needed to give the impression of affluence.
No brand (or knockoff) is beyond the Bogans field of aspirational vision.

17 01 2011
Sheriff struggle

The Chavs (British bogans) totally destroyed the Burberry brand by wearing their omnipresent tartan caps. Thankfully our bogans stick to Ed Hardy and Crown Lager.

17 01 2011
SD

Leaving aside the high end boguery in haute couture (touched on in the Couture link), the top shelf brands need to make money. So they need to have bogans/chavs aspiring to it and actively encourage it. No fashion house is immune to this so the idea that anything is destroyed by bogans is quite wrong. More correctly, the label is destroyed for the pretentious sorts who wore Burberry in the first place.

17 01 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

The top end are overpriced and obnoxious. It is only once a large populous like the bogan get involved that it is shown up what it is for – making the same handbag as everyone else putting “LV” on it and charging a small fortune. They used to be for wealthy people who had more money than brains. Now that the bogan has a bit of money, from their maxtreme job in the mines, while having no brains means that the they fit into that category now. While not be wealthy their $ outweighs their thinking capacity. So the more something costs the better it must be especially if LV is plastered all over it. It’s good boganomics.

17 01 2011
Nelson Esq

While the wealthy would have the LV or YSL branded purse, matching handbag and full set of luggage, most boguettes will only buy the bag or purse, because that is all they could really purchase without going over their Platinum credit card limit. The bag will then be paid off at 22% over the next 12 months. If a boguette has more than one item, you can be sure that it’s a fake that she bought in Thailand or Bali.

18 01 2011
XXX

The truly wealthy don’t have the brands showing all over their products. If you walk around suburbs like Middle Park, etc.. you will notice that most of the residents are quite conservative in they way they dress and accessorise. My family are wealthy and the really expensive items are a bit more discreet with their badging. My brothers (specialist doctors) aren’t interested in flaunting their money anyway. My oldest brother had a flashy car when he was younger and single (Porsche), but drives a more sedate car now. Wealthy people tend to downplay their wealth rather than dress up like peacocks the way bogans do!

18 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

That’s the true difference between those who are comfortable with their wealth and status, to those who are parvenus stumbling upon newly acquired wealth…there’s this “look at moi!” attitude that underscores their insecurity.

When I worked in one of Perth’s most wealthy suburbs (Dalkeith), I could discern the difference between old money (or those with sufficient sobriety towards their position and place in life) and the nouveau riche—the former were always polite and fair in their dealings with me, whereas the latter seemed to feel the constant desire to pull rank to affirm their alleged superiority.

17 01 2011
Sheriff struggle

I agree that the label was always a wank, however the brand that they spent millions marketing to people fell in a pile of steaming chav poo.

17 01 2011
Nelson Esq

HM The Queen wore a Burberry raincoat long before Burberry pandered to the Chav market and produced those horrible tartan baseball caps. So who destroyed Burberry? The Queen, The Chavs or Burberry?

17 01 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

Good Question. I will answer all 3.
HM The Queen was seen/photographed wearing the raincoat. Celebrity Chavs thought “Wow, look what royalty wears, i’m royalty i’m gonna buy clothes like that so I can be “classy” “. Then the Chavs see the celebrity Chavs and think “Wow, look what Posh wears, i’m like Posh i’m gonna buy clothes like that so I can be “classy” “Burberry then realises what makes more money; The Queen buying 1 raincoat every so often or 1 million Chavs scraping together the money to buy shit on a stick as long as it is tartan? Boganomics at work. You would say The Queen played a passive role, but she played her part.

18 01 2011
The Court Jester

Speaking of which, I noticed this abomination as I was perusing my local Dan Murphy’s in order to select my poison for the weekend:

http://www.edhardyvodka.com/main.php

I’d been hitherto blissfully unaware that the scourge of Ed Hardy had spread this far.
At only twice the price of the average half-decent vodka, I’m sure its pimped out, blinged up brand name maxxxtremeness compensates for the fact that it undoubtedly tastes like dirty rocket fuel.
All it needs is a promotional offer with Massive Cans of Mother as an accompanying mixer.

19 01 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Isn’t the “Love kills slowly” cocktail just a sex on the beach with some of this vodka in it?

19 01 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Ooh, actually, they have a massive range of VIP beverages. http://www.edhardybeverages.com/products.html

19 01 2011
The Court Jester

Wow. The sheer amount of retina-raping maxxxtreme bling packed into that web page is impressive. I think I need a cup of tea and a lie down after viewing it.

Although it’s entirely possible I just need to acquire some full-body rigidity by imbibing one of the listed products. I’ve no doubt that the EH Cab Sauv has a delightful bouquet of concrete blended with delicate tones of ‘harden the f@ck up’.
I’m also given to ponder whether the EH Beer bottles are specially crafted to allow ease of glassing after consumption.

But that’s enough of that idle speculation.
Fetch me my Ed Hardy Cardonnay, ya Chunt!

19 01 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

LMAO. Garson, fetch the man another Hardy Chardy.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

“Ed Hardy Beverages

Ed Hardy, Godfather of the tattoo and Christian Audigier, designer have reunited their talent again to create a unique drink for celebrities. This famous drink has evolved into other products such as Ed Hardy beer, vodka and structured water.

This new line of beverages has created a following with celebrities such as Britney Spears, Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, Mickey Rourke, Paris Hilton, Snoop Dogg, Chris Brown, Usher, Madonna, Shakira, Ciara, Heidi Klum, T.I., Jamie Foxx and more.”

staggering.
baffling.
If I hadn’t seen it myself I would have assumed TBL wrote it.

unique drink for celebrities

19 01 2011
p'bee

ed hardy’s the godfather of the tattoo? funny, i thought they’d been around for thousands of years.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

then apparently Ed Hardy is a Polynesian Vampire.
or something.
Anyway, didn’t Audigier’s Ed Hardy go under?
or are the alleged imbibement proclivities of Britney Spears, Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, Mickey Rourke, Paris Hilton, Snoop Dogg, Chris Brown, Usher, Madonna, Shakira, Ciara, Heidi Klum, T.I., Jamie Foxx and more keeping him afloat?
(I sincerely doubt Heidi Klum drinks Ed Hardy btw – she seems to be permanently pregnant)

19 01 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Ed Hardy’s clothing division went tits up in Australia, though you can still “get your Ed Hardy on” via the internet http://www.edhardyaustralia.org/ The company as a whole is still going strong in the US i belive.

19 01 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Wowee wow wow. Just when you thought you’d seen it all….make sure to click through and read the “tasting notes” on the wine range. http://www.christianaudigierbeverages.com/products.html

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

jesus.
I just went too deep into that.
http://www.christianaudigierwines.com/lifestyle.html

I note the distinction between “ed hardy” and “christian audigier” bevvy’s.
I couldn’t find any provenance for the ed hardy wine range but the audigiers apparently come from the Rhone. I personally couldn’t care less if it was 1989 chateau neuf du pape GSM at $9.95 a bottle, I’d rather be glassed to death with an empty bottle of the shit than drink it.
things must have been pretty dire for the Roquefeuil family.

19 01 2011
The Court Jester

Truly amazing, ‘Berra Bogan!

“The art of the winemaker is proven in this golden-coloured Chardonnay where one finds aromas of Mayblossom, citrus fruits, and buttery toast”.

Because I naturally associate good Chardonnay with the smell of burning bread products.

I know, they could really capture the bogan’s nasal stimuli/palate association if they took this just a step further:

Ed Hardy Brut: A strong white that needs no concrete added. With overtones of beer-soaked velvet rope and food van kebab, this is the perfect accompaniment to acts of public fornication.

Ed Hardy Sauvignon Semillon Blanc: A cheeky little number that allows for much mirth around innuendo about ‘having a semi-on’. With aromas of Lynx deodorant and Angus beef, there is also an undertone of burning rubber.
A perfect apertif before glassing carnts.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

gold.

17 01 2011
Blueballs

By Tiffany & Co, they really mean ‘Genuine originals from a some chap in Shanzou via Ebay’

17 01 2011
lolplates

So in 12 months we shall see the pure win of bogans with their new platinums figuring a way how to pay back the interest. We may see many specialls on TT and ACA on bogans who cannot grasp the fundamentals of a house hold budget and finnancial planning.
Some how debt collectors are evil….. it isn’t their fault that someone didn’t plan on paying back the interest on their cards, mortgage etc.
Fair enough if you end up out of work, but most of these things are results of poor planning.

17 01 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

This is why you can call many of the fine companies that will consolidate your debt under 1 company. This will eradicate having to remember pesky details like paying off the cars, jet ski & holidays to Bali & Thailand.
ACA & TT should be sponsored by these companies.

17 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Platinum Chevadores, now that sh!t would sell.

17 01 2011
Tone

Sounds akin to the gold Honda and Lexus badges coveted by Asian bogans.

17 01 2011
Nelson Esq

Conversation within Holden’s marketing dept…
“Commodore sales are down on last month. We need an good marketing ploy to get the cashed up bogans coming in through the door. Ideas anyone”

“Chevrodore Platinum Limited Edition. We produce 500 only, based the V8 SS, of course. We paint them all in a new ‘exclusive’ hero colour called FullySik Platinum, which is just our standard silver paint with more metallic flecks in it. On the inside we stick an exclusive ‘platinum leather’ gear knob and partial leather trim on the seats. On the outside we put massive 20” wheels on it, the new design that will be releasing on all SS Commodores in 12 months anyway, Chevy bowties on the grill and boot and a special badge denoting that it is a “Platinum Limited Edition”. We tell them that it loaded with $6000 of extra features so they can justify to themselves that its worth the $3000 more than the standard SS we are actually charging. On delivery, they get a Chevrodore Platinum Limited Edition certificate and key ring. In short, it’s a parts bin special to con the bogues that they’re buying something special and they will only realise that it’s not special when they go to trade it in and get offered the same money as a standard SS. In September, we’ll do it all again, except we’ll paint them black and call them the Peter Brock 5th Anniversary Memorial Edition.”

17 01 2011
James Hunter

By the time they trade it the partial leather trim will be splitting along all the seams and the suspension will be storked from controlling the maxtreem 20 x12 rubber so the bogan will get less then he would for a standard lead model.

17 01 2011
Will S

Dear god that is genius

Why are you not a marketing executive yet??

17 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Remember the Greg Norman Statesman. I bet they are worth almost nothing now. Also doesn’t the bogan require 22′ rims now?

17 01 2011
James Hunter

Simon, the deciding factor is ultra low profile. Nothing higher then 40 profile. doesnt matter that they ride like a truck .

17 01 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Geez, that would be a rough ride. I have 20’s on my VE ute and you really feel it.

17 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I found this great club called Platinum on the gold coast – lots of fully sick bogues and boganistas in the photo galleries. I think it must have orange lighting, judging by their skin tones. We should organise a TBL Xmas partay there. I’m practicing my hood finger throwing skillz as I type.
http://www.platinumnightclub.com.au/

17 01 2011
Tone

They call themselves a ‘superclub’, and to demonstrate this point they’ve rattled off a list of dance acts, however David Guetta is conspicuous by his absence from said list. Not much of a superclub if Dave hasn’t turned up to cut sick on the decks, is it?

17 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I recently read a review on a new show about The Stafford Brothers on tour (they are resident dj’s at platinum). The review said the documentary was too bogan for the reviewers taste!
So their might be hope for Super Club status yet.

18 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Weren’t the the ones who did a club version of More Than A Feeling?

If so, they deserve a good glassin’.

18 01 2011
XXX

The photo gallery is priceless! Love the resident DJ’s !

17 01 2011
James Hunter

Viv,…club called “Platinium”on the “Gold” coast. great. full of “Brassy” girls listening to “Metallica” with a “Tin” ear while looking for the “Silver” lining to their clouded life.Meanwile the boys were trying to “Steel” themselves before trying to get the “Lead” up in their pencils? Probably raided by the “Coppers”

17 01 2011
lolplates

And it would be Metallicas finest song “nothing else matters” or anything from Load onwards……

17 01 2011
SD

I shouldn’t be but James I was amused:-)

17 01 2011
James Hunter

you are so kind

17 01 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

“Nothing else matters” was played in Kings Park one day for a wedding as the bride walked down the aisle. I wiped a tear from my eye, moving, simply moving. Alasskya never looked so beautiful on HER big day.

17 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters, Lover of Massive Cans

I’m sick of people hating on Load and ReLoad. They had some great songs (2 X 4, Until It Sleeps, Bleeding me on Load, Fuel and The Memory Remains on ReLoad).

Now St Anger, then you’re talking, but no one likes that album.

17 01 2011
Tombarina

St Anger: crap out of 10
But Load, Reload, Ride the Lightning. Even Justice For All. Some little pearlers in there…

17 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters, Lover of Massive Cans

Never liked Justice For All. I can see the appeal, but it’s a bit too wanky and OTT for me.

17 01 2011
Tombarina

I reckon wanky and OTT is the entire point – for me, it’s Jimmy, Lars & Kirk’s little comedy special.

Rarely before have so many utterly bombastic songs (Frayed Edges of My Sanity, anyone?) been coralled onto one album. And I don’t care what anyone says – I think ‘One’ is wrist-slashingly awful and pretentious.

The closest they ever came to replicating this magnificent feat of head-up-arsedness was St Anger – and didn’t THAT work out well for them.

Also adore the theatrics of S&M. But all in all, I give Metallica the big thumbs up.

18 01 2011
lolplates

They went downhill after they kicked the major talent out….MegaDave 😛 Jokes.
I was given Black when I was 5 as a birthday present 🙂

17 01 2011
DuxLux

Any chance of lead being the new platinum? It has as awesome specific gravity, is roughly grayish in colour, and conjures up some kickarse imagery of Mel and Danny Glover shooting some German terrorist. Any bogue worth their vast DVD action movie collection is going to jump at the chance for a lead subscription to absolutely anything. Qantas frequent flyer should bring out a Lead Class immediately.

17 01 2011
SD

Good idea, it killed the Romans after all.

17 01 2011
James Hunter

It sent them silly first so maybe the bogan is the first signs we see of this happening here ?

18 01 2011
Werdna

Lead is good, but I think Mercury would be maxxtreme to the maxximum of maxx. It’s heavy and poisonous plus one of it’s alternative names is an unboganised version of a particular bogan clothing brand.

17 01 2011
DuxLux

Was that in Diehard the prequel? Having bad thoughts of Mel Gibson in a Toga brandishing a .44.

17 01 2011
Pandabater

What is Yippykiyay Mutherf^ckers in Latin?

17 01 2011
Andy

The real money should be in the radioactive elements. Win for the bogan as it’s suitably maxxxtreme, win for everyone else as it’s suitably lethal.

17 01 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

Perfect!
Also once you start using terms like “Half-Life” they will be over the moon.
“Man, so i’m like half dead, ffffaaaaarrrrrkkkiiiinnnnn awesome”

17 01 2011
James Hunter

“man that Plutonium was hot!”

17 01 2011
duxlux

A radioactive credit card would be awesome. That way you can irradiate your nads every time it goes in your pocket. Just think of the genetic variety that could generate!

19 01 2011
Mr Q

You’re missing the best possible benefit: sterilising the credit card owner!

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

Half Life is a wicked game!
I just bought the orange box.

17 01 2011
Simon

Forgive my innocence. Is it bogan to post comments on news sites?

I mean no offence to the people here and acknowledge the irony. However, I was thinking about this while reading my favorite news website (which is quite good at reporting the case for why Australia is run by a collection of pinko commi nazis) and trying to post a comment but had it rejected. I then spent the good part of an hour trying to work out what was permissible. It seems like as long as you can decry the evil leftist socialist marxist plot to enslave as all, then the subsequent sentences can contain anything your heart desires.

Alternatively, if your post contains the name ‘Bob Brown’ without the words ‘destroy’ or ‘eco-nazi’, then it will be rejected.

I think the comment boards of these websites is a haven for boganity and is in need of further research.

17 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at arms (1 in Army)

I think it is how you can tell if you are a bogan. I have a proud record of 100% non publication with the Scum. They don’t seem to find my comments helpful at all. And I’m very careful not to say f*ck. They only publish redneck, bogan comments.

18 01 2011
James Hunter

Simon, as a general thing I get hardly anything published at news limiteds coloums anything with murdoch behind it is politically editorialised to the max. If you are not pushing their view it doesnot get to see daylight.
Asside from this site where most anything goes the ones where you can put controversial vies are “The Drum” and “The Punch”.. You can join in there even if you are down on the (Capitalist,comservative) Liberals or the “Church of Rome”
I get loads of controversial info coming in from contacts in the states as well as local shit. If you sent me an email with your contact details I would be more then happy to copy you.
Cheers
Jim

18 01 2011
urbanreverie

It’s good to know that I’m not alone in not being able to get comments published on News Ltd and NineMSN comments threads! I was thinking it was something with my browser settings or internet connection.

I used to be astounded at how all the bigoted, ignorant rubbish by people who have never heard of a dictionary or spellcheck got through. After seeing so much blatant hate-mongering on the Courier-Mail and 60 Minutes threads, I thought to myself “No way is this place moderated. So my comments mustn’t be getting through for some purely technical reason.”

Still, NOTHING is more dispiriting than the comments threads on YouTube. That is just pure bile. Nothing makes me fear more for the future of the human race than YouTube comments.

18 01 2011
p'bee

i agree with that. youtube comments are just about the lowest thing on the internet.

18 01 2011
SD

4chan is there of course.

18 01 2011
p'bee

you know, i think the worst of youtube is worse than 4chan.

18 01 2011
Pendant

I’ll agree with that. I think it’s because the youtube comments, whilst being equally stupid, seem to be a lot more earnest.

18 01 2011
p'bee

exactly. 4chan is dickheads congregating to try and out dickhead each other, youtube is often people’s seriously held opinions.

19 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Agreed. No one takes 4chan seriously, but for whatever reason Youtube is srs biz.

18 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Whenever I deign to read the freshly mouldering pages of The Worst Australian, I often make my way towards the letters page. I find in doing so, that I am setting myself up for failure in hoping that there’ll be mostly reasoned rights of reply.

Most of the time, there are the bilious backchats from a select coterie of rabble rousing rednecks with reductionist views who seem to always get published…mind you, there may occasionally be an entirely reasonable viewpoint that either supports something that offends populist sensibilities thrown in. Are these just a sop to prevent the editors from looking like a bunch of unreconstructed troglodytes, or are they publishing those few as sacrificial lambs subject to the tender mercies afforded by those who demand blood, and now damnit?

That’s why I don’t bother with those websites. I am not going to debase myself by attempting to utilise reason, calm and empathy in advocating my arguments to those who are bent on mindless vengeance caused by kneejerk populism, or simple foot-in-mouthitis.

That’s part of the reason why TBL exists, as a forum for (largely) reasonable people. And when the odd contrarian crank comes along and thinks they can score some cheap points, after a few futile attempts, they come away disappointed for not invoking much of our ire, thus slinking away without a trace back to boganry.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

Fascinating.
my favourite bogan thinks Adelaide Now comments section is the absolute beating pulse of the zeitgeist. he somehow got sidetracked on to a kevin foley rant the other night and told me “Just read the comments section of Adelaide Now if you want to know what’s really going on.”

17 01 2011
jaydyn

If you’re talking about the news.com.au and sub newspapers comments seccions – yes well thought, posts and replies to any sort of bogan/right wing vitriol do not get past the moderators of the site. However, anything mentioning home insulation, BER complaints, or how I’ve worked hard for my shit heap house, as a rent-seeking small business owner, etc. I will get through no problems.

I have noticed the same problem, therefore stick to the Fairfax comment sections, when bored, at least it’s moderated more fairly.

18 01 2011
p'bee

fairfax does publish a lot of ‘refugees installing home insulation under the ber are destroying the country’ comments, though.

18 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

While said refugees are claiming Centerlink at the same time and sitting on their arses.

Does anyone notice that the things bogans accuse refugees of doing are the exact same things they’re either doing themselves or wish they could do? It’s as if they assume that everyone automatically aspires to boganity.

18 01 2011
martin

Commenting on news ltd, or at least on the main sites, is half the time a waste of time. I’m not a libtard either so I don’t think that’s it. If you comment on something on The Punch it goes through.

18 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m taking it as a challenge to get a comment published. But only on my terms. So my helpful advice is likely to continue to go into deleted items.

17 01 2011
The Abudhabilist

Guetta? Platinum? You have to be kidding.

Saw him here a couple of months ago, at the Creamfields gig. He was shit.

Not just average.

Shit, shit. Steaming even.

THe sattelite stages were staffed by truly excellent DJ’s (if that’s your thing) playing and mixing and really plying their trade.

Guetta showed up. Late. An pressed play on one of his big songs. Raised his hands in the air. The local bogan mob went bananas. Song ended. He played some sub heavy interlude. Raised his hands, then pressed play on his next ‘hit’.

It’s been a while since I have had much to do with my home country, but if guetta is getting platinum, then something needs to be done.

Perhaps bromide in the water….

18 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

It’s true. Bogans love Guetta.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

Guetta is Australian???

17 01 2011
p'bee

my poor student scholarship doesn’t allow me access to maxtreme platinum cards. darn.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

someone should make a Poor Student Scholarship Platinum Card*.
just so youse can feel better.

(*Poor Student Scholarship Platinum Card has credit limit of $0 at 0% interest and annual account keeping fee of $0. The Poor Student Scholarship Platinum Card has absolutely no purpose at all except for flashing in front of bogans. For full terms and conditions go to http://www.PoorStudentScholarshipPlatinumCard.com or email Will.F@ck4.Drugs.net. Please note: This website, email address and offer are a total fabrication.)

17 01 2011
jay

and the platinum award for curious choices goes to:
http://www.ntnews.com.au/article/2011/01/17/207071_ntnews.html
i am puzzled why shumbixxx stuck with real.

17 01 2011
Tombarina

Benjamin Funky I’m A Bit Of A Wanker And My Kids Will Hate Me If At Some Point In The Future Any Of Them Decide To Pursue An Actual Paying Career Outside The Commune Love.

18 01 2011
s-s-susan

Hippy bogans! My pet hate..
ah, lovely five-year-old Lola-Jae Lucy Juicy Love, perhaps Humbert Humbert would be a more appropriate name for the father?

18 01 2011
XXX

Why do the women who hang out with these men always have that look about them? The one that says “my brain is completely fried”. The oldest girl in the back of the car almost has the same look about her. High on life or high on something else?

17 01 2011
XXX

Oh No. I have a platinum Visa card! Not my fault. They sent it to me automatically to replace my gold card! Sorry everyone.

18 01 2011
urbanreverie

And, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for another episode of the …

BOGUE AND BOGUETTE SHOW!

(THE SCENE: A suburban two-storey McMansion, on a summer evening, located approximately 45 kilometres from the central business district of a state capital. On the pebblecrete driveway in front of the remote-controlled double garage are two conveyances: a late-model electric blue Ford Falcon XR6, and next to that a powerboat on a trailer. In the front yard is a path lined with electric lamps on three feet-high metal stalks placed in the ground fringed by a scrubby little garden of grevilleas, scattered with pine bark chips. The lawn is ill-watered and brown in parts, and you can still see the lines between the sods of turf which were installed several months ago.

At the end of the driveway is a Channel 7 outside broadcast van and a camera on a tripod attended by a cameraman and a snazzily-suited journalist.

BOGUE, smirking and swaggering, is walking down the driveway. He is dressed in a baseball cap with some brand name embroidered in white jagged cursive, a polo shirt with some psuedo-Spanish with grammar and syntax even more deficient than something which has been passed through five languages on Google Translate, three-quarter length denim shorts and a pair of sandals from Rivers. He assumes his position in front of the camera facing towards the street, with ANZ’s car and boat and John Symond’s house behind him.)

BOGUE: (to journalist) We ready?

JOURNALIST: Yeah, we should be right to go.

CAMERAMAN: (adjusts a knob on the camera and moves the boom into position) Yup, and action.

JOURNALIST: Okay, sir. Now, tell us, as an average Australian, what your opinion on immigrants and refugees is? What is your message to Julia Gillard and others in Canberra responsible for immigration policy?

BOGUE: (folds arms, one on top of the other – one arm has a tattoo which says “AUSSIE PRIDE” in Gothic letterpress with the postcode of his suburb. The other arm features an inane tribal tattoo that is one-third Celtic, one-third Maori and one-third Klingon) Yeah, I don’t get it, mate. I don’t get it all. We bring all these people over here, they’re all livin’ in mansions and stuff, they get free cars, free dental care, free everyfint. They get everyfint, and we get nuffint!

And what about all these reffos ‘n that. They jump the queue, they get on their leaky boats, they pay some dodgy Indonesian fisherman to take them to our country and like, it’s not fair and stuff. They reckon that their countries are war torn and that, but it ain’t fair! They should wait in the queue like everyone else! Like I do every time I get a Double Quarter Pounder at Macca’s! And they’re all livin’ in five-star luxury and crap in resorts in places like Christmas Island and Hamilton Island and that other bloody island where they keep them boat fellas, their kids get free education, free sports, free everyfint! Meanwhile, I can’t even get free help for Aiden, Brayden, Jaiden and Kaiden’s reading problems ‘cos of their ADHD and stuff. They get everyfint and we get nuffint!

And you should see how much money them refugees get! I got a mate on the motorway construction site, he’s got a cousin who’s got a boyfriend whose step-daughter works at Centrelink, and I tells ya, honest to God, she reckons that some of these reffo families bring home two-and-a-half grand a week! They’re livin’ like kings, they even get free Nintendos for their kiddies! All the while they’re bringing their filthy ways into this you-beaut country. They eat goats on kebabs and crap, they treat their women like dirt, and still they get everyfint – and we get nuffint!

REPORTER: Are you sure you get nothing? What about the baby bonus for Braiden, Aiden and whatever the names of your other kids are?

BOGUE: Yeah, OK. Sure. We get ten grand every time me slag of a missus spits out yet another future school bully. Not to mention Family Tax Benefit Part A or Part B for the next eighteen years. Oh, we get a thirty percent rebate on our private health insurance premiums, which gives us the opportunity to look down our noses at those lazy friggin’ dole bludgers and nutcases and hippie feral uni students who can’t afford even the basic MBF policy. Not to mention that Aiden, Brayden, Jaiden and Kaiden get their education at the Holy Redeemer of Sacred Light Biblical Christian College generously subsidised by the federal government too, so we can also look down our noses at all them immigrant and povo kids at the state school. Oh, and don’t forget the unique combination of fiscal, monetary, immigration and town planning policies which combine to make me jerry-built dogbox of a McMansion worth hundreds of thousands of dollars more than the mortgage I took out on it seven years ago. Oh, there was also the stimulus package too, which kept me in well-paying work, while people like me in the US and Britain have to go begging for two-minute noodles from the local foodbank.

But apart from all that: WE GET NUFFINT!

BOGUETTE: (front door with leadlighting opens, she sticks her hair with platinum-blonde hair and jet-black lashes and brows out) Honey, won’t you please come back inside? The X Factor is about to start!

BOGUE: Give us a minute, will ya? I got this reporter fella from Today Tonight here asking me about the foreigners comin’ here and stuff.

BOGUETTE: Please, come back inside! I want you to watch the telly with me!

BOGUE: Listen, you dumb-ar$ed b!tch? Do I bother you when I watch the footy on Fridee nights? Do I keep begging you to watch the footy with me? No! I told ya, I’m busy with this bloke from Channel 7!

BOGUETTE: Yeah, it’s always the way, isn’t it? Everyfint’s always gotta go your way all the time! Ya don’t give a stuff about me, do ya! (turns to camera and journalist) Do you know what it’s like living with him! It’s pure hell! He won’t even watch The X Factor with me! And he always leaves margarine smeared inside the jar of Vegemite too!

BOGUE: (visibly turns red) Urghhhhhhurghkurrghnt! Why you little b!tch! (runs back up the driveway) You dare farkin’ embarrass me like that in front of people from me favourite show ever again, I’ll farkin’ smash ya little pottery Hello Kitty figurines to pieces!

BOGUETTE: If you don’t watch The X Factor with me, that’s it! I’m not lettin’ ya having a go at me ar$e again! You hear me?

BOGUE: (gags) Not in front of me mates from Channel 7 with the cameras rollin’! You dumbfvck bitch! (sighs) All right, you win! I’ll watch that farkin’ sh!t with ya if it keeps ya happy. (turns to journalist) Can we cut that?

JOURNALIST: That’s OK. We’ve already turned the camera off!

BOGUE What? You haven’t even asked for me opinion on how the guvmint gives billions to the Mardi Gras every year, and how them queers send recruiting officers into all the high schools tellin’ the kids it’s OK to be sissy! You said you was gonna ask about that too!

JOURNALIST: Ummm, that’s quite all right. I think we already have enough material to work on. Thank you very much for your opinion. It’s very valuable, and I think it’s quite right and proper that ordinary, hard-working, average Australian blokes like your good self have the opportunity to make your voice heard by our political leaders.

BOGUE: Yeah, too right! No worries mate. Was a pleasure! Thanks fer comin’ all the way out here, man. (shakes hands with the journalist and cameraman)

TO BE CONTINUED …

18 01 2011
Tombarina

Is this all your own brilliant work, Urb – or did you just transcribe some existing footage?

All I could think of as I read your suburban description was North Lakes….North Lakes…..North Lakes……

18 01 2011
urbanreverie

Thank you Tomba, Martin, Ash and P’Bee for your kind words.

Tomba, yes, it’s all original work, most of it based on my own thoughts and observations, though of course on some of the details I am inspired by TBL and other commenters here. North Lakes would be a suitable setting, though I had Glenmore Park in mind, the spiritual home of the new-age bogan in New South Wales; a place so truly horrible it makes North Lakes look like a geek’s and hipster’s paradise. But yea, the Bogue & Boguette Show doesn’t need to be in a specific state; there are places like that in every Australian city. The reader can pick and choose which suburb they want the scene to be. 🙂

And Ash, I just wanted to show the bogue for the hypocrite he is. I probably did use some big words which the average bogan wouldn’t be able to get their head around. I also gave him, temporarily at least, some introspective abilities. Which bogans are incapable of!

18 01 2011
James Hunter

Elizabeth or Sailsbury South in SA would be excellent. In summer time the generally dry and denuded look of the streetscapes would ad ambience ? Maybe Simon can comment ?

19 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Fair enough, I get what you were trying to do.

And yeah, whenever anyone refers to my neighbourhood as bogan infested I direct them to the McMansion Belt (Glenmore Park and Kellyville in particular).

18 01 2011
martin

Bravo sir.

“Oh, and don’t forget the unique combination of fiscal, monetary, immigration and town planning policies which combine to make me jerry-built dogbox of a McMansion worth hundreds of thousands of dollars more than the mortgage I took out on it seven years ago. Oh, there was also the stimulus package too, which kept me in well-paying work, while people like me in the US and Britain have to go begging for two-minute noodles from the local foodbank.”

So sad, so true.

18 01 2011
urbanreverie

Martin! Thanks! And you didn’t even call me a libtard! 😉

18 01 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

B. Love the concept, but too many big words used by our Bogue.

18 01 2011
p'bee

i see a nobel prize for literature coming your way. or maybe an oscar for best original screenplay. bravo.

19 01 2011
XXX

I do some office work part time for a man I have known for many years. He has done very well for himself despite being bogan and now has about 20 employees (tradies). If you think the language used in this little piece was over the top, I can give you an example of a comment made by my “boss” this week that is completely true. Thank goodness I only work for him 2 days per week! I was ringing debtors for him and one of the debtors recognised my boss’s voice in the background and asked to speak with him. My fellow office girl is pregnant and at the completion of the phone call, my boss says ” I’ll put you back to the bitches now, you now how they get. One is pregnant and the other one protects her like a hormonal cow!” This man has been a friend of mine for over 20 years otherwise I think I probably would have become violent!

19 01 2011
SD

How can one be a bitch and a cow?

19 01 2011
p'bee

did you miss the latest advancements in genetic engineering? i think they’ll be the new crossbreed celebrity pet – forget the schnoodle, labradoodle, whatever else oodle, here’s the cowbitch!

19 01 2011
SD

I am warming to this cowbitch thing, given it can kick and bite.

19 01 2011
XXX

Despite being a millionaire, he really is not the sharpest tool in the shed. His father worked the office for him back in the day and he was the one with all the business savvy. His father passed away several years ago, so now he has a manager who knows the trade really well who runs things for him. The office manager (the pregnant one) is also on top of her game, so he can sit back and watch the money roll in. I have always helped him out over the years because office girls come and go quite frequently due to the type of language that I explained in my previous post. It can get much worse than that, but he actually likes and trusts me and I can tell him off from time to time and get away with it. For example, If he ever goes too far in berating the tradies (which is frequently), I will take him aside and tell him. The particular call where he refered to us as bitches ended with me telling him how “charming ” he was. I got the usual bogan retort of “I was only joking”. I reminded him how many office girls he has been through and he laughed. If anyone else had tried it, they would have got a mouthful. The difference is that I don’t need the job as I have a qualification in another field. He pays me well above award to put up with his crap because very few people will! I get paid office manager wages for office assistant work!

19 01 2011
XXX

I get pretty close when I work in that particular environment!

18 01 2011
urbanreverie

And now, for scene two of this episode of …

THE BOGUE AND BOGUETTE SHOW!

(THE SCENE: 6:29pm on a weekday evening, in the lesser TV room of BOGUE’s McMansion. The grand sitting area is out-of-bounds unless a reigning monarch or some other head of state ever decides to visit, and the entertainment area-cum-pool table room with the home theatre system and projector screen is used only for showing off to visitors or for watching Friday Night Football, James Cameron movies or pirated porn DVDs.

The lesser TV room has a mere 42-inch Panasonic Viera flat-screen television, a couch set with pale cream velour, a print on the wall of a geisha girl with Japanese script in a slender black frame, and a massive vase in the corner full of dried native flowers including banksias and xanthorrhea.

BOGUETTE is sitting on the sofa polishing her nails while listening to the weather report. BOGUE comes in, very excited, carrying two cups of tea.)

BOGUE: (puts mugs on glass-topped coffee table) Yup, tonight’s the night! Watch me stick it to them darkies on Today Tonight! All me mates are gonna love this, I’m gonna be the most popular guy on site! I hope they all shout me at the Club Tavern after me shift tomorrow!

BOGUETTE: (concentrates on nails) That’s nice, sweetie.

(The earnest, bass-heavy theme to Today Tonight emanates from the television)

BOGUE: (rubs hands together with glee) Oh boy! I can’t wait! You gotta watch this, love!

MATT WHITE: Good evening, and welcome to Today Tonight. And first up, we bring you an exclusive exposé on the shocking epidemic of domestic violence sweeping our suburbs. Here’s our special report.

BOGUE: Ah, I must be appearing later on.

(The television shows black-and-white footage of BOGUE, walking in slow motion down his pebblecrete driveway, smirking, accompanied by a low constant eerie sound – perhaps 100 hertz, fed through a sine wave filter.)

JOURNALIST: This – is the face of – evil!

BOGUE: (on TV) You dumb-ar$ed b!tch! (splice) You dare farkin’ embarrass me (splice) I’ll smash ya (splice) to pieces! (splice) Why, you little b!tch!

(Footage of BOGUE running back up the driveway. As he gets near the door, the footage freezes and is superimposed with a graphic of a huge red rubber stamp saying “BUSTED”.)

JOURNALIST (on screen, now in colour, a different suburban street behind him out of focus) Our cameras were not able to follow the perpetrator of this domestic abuse into his house. We can only guess at what horrors awaited his partner. We asked Dr Marvin Parris, a university professor of psychology, with decades of experience on relationships and domestic violence, on how men like these get away with such abuse.

PROFESSOR: (looking very earnest, flicking through journals and folders on his desk) Well you see, it’s a symptom of a culture in which men feel the need to control–

BOGUE: (puts the remote control back down after turning the TV off) Urrrghghurughghhkurrrghnt! That’s it! I’m gonna farkin’ kill that journo! Just wait until he hears from me farkin’ lawyers! I got a mate at the tavern who’s got an uncle who’s got a stepson whose missus is a top-notch lawyer. She represented Jason next door on his drink-drivin’ charge last year!

BOGUETTE: Well maybe if ya didn’t treat me like sh!t in front of that camera, maybe if you weren’t such a violent pig, none of this would’ve happened and stuff!

BOGUE: Urrghgurhghghkurrghnt! You callin’ me violent, you slag! I’ll punch yer farkin’ lights out if ya ever call me violent again, unnerstand? You MADE me act like that, with your constant nagging to watch that X Factor crap with ya! Now where do we keep our farkin’ White Pages? I’m gonna call Channel 7 up, I’m gonna farkin’ sue them kyurnts!

BOGUETTE: I dunno, just live and let live. No use crying over spilt milk and that.

BOGUE: But you don’t farkin’ unnerstand, ya dumb $lut. All me mates are gonna think I’m some kinda wife-basher now! What are the other kids at the Holy Redeemer of Sacred Light Biblical Christian College gonna think of Aiden, Braiden, Jaiden and Kaiden? This is me ‘onour we’re talking about here!

BOGUETTE: Well, what are ya gonna sue Today Tonight for? They haven’t done nuffint wrong or criminal or stuff.

BOGUE: (retrieves White Pages from cabinet) They said they wanted me opinion on reffos and queers an’ sh!t. They didn’t say nuffint about domestic violence. That’s false advertisin’! Oh look here. Back cover of the White Pages, massive ad for a law company. It’s in colour too, so they must be all right. I’m gonna give them a call ….

THE END

18 01 2011
p'bee

fantastic, except i think they’d be cans of coke or mother, not cups of tea.

18 01 2011
urbanreverie

Naah, P’Bee. Even bogans need some hot beverage action every now and again. Maybe I should’ve put a shot of Ed Hardy vodka or Red Bull into the mugs of tea?

18 01 2011
Tombarina

Brilliant. Although I’m with p’bee – I’m not convinced by the cuppa.

At 6.29pm, our focus bogues would be cracking out cold beverages – a Crownie for him, and a low-carb voddie and cranberry UDL with 200% more low-fat added sugar for her.

18 01 2011
Tone

More solid freaking gold. But I concur with the issue re: beverages. Corona for him, Vodka Cruiser for her.

18 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Damn Urban, that’s some cool shit right there. JH is right Elizabeth would be good but I sense more money in these bogues, maybe Mawson lakes or Lights View?

18 01 2011
James Hunter

Simon, Mawson Lakes of course.Perfect. Mosquito Lakes Ha ha ha ha

18 01 2011
urbanreverie

Actually Simon, they’re stone broke. Bogue works 20 hours of overtime a week for a contractor which tenders for roadworks contracts from the state main roads department; Boguette works three or four shifts a week at a mobile phone shop in the local Westfield mega-super-duper-f#$koffer-mall. She’d like to work more so they have a bit more money but the kids are constantly being suspended from school and need some supervision during the day when Bogue isn’t home. All this overtime is to service the insane debt-to-equity ratio to be found in the household finances. If they had settled for, say, a three-bedroom flat in Granville or even a four-bedroom fibro in Toongabbie, they might be rather better off and have more time to devote to leisure and raising their a#$@hole children who run riot and consequently have behavioural problems which Bogue and Boguette blame on “ADHD”.

But no, they want the overpriced dogbox of a McMansion because – hey, they deserve it. They just know that it is the inalieable right of every Australian citizen to lead a lifestyle like their favourite vajazzled celebrities.

So while they appear to have money – they don’t. It’s all on paper. And when this paper house comes crashing down, Bogue and Boguette will not be happy. But that might be an episode for another day! LOL 🙂

19 01 2011
Nelson Esq

Boguette would like more, but if she did it would affect their Family Allowance Parts A & B payments. Can’t have the gummint support payments being cut!

19 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

True Urban, I should have said aspiration instead. I am looking forward to further adventures.

18 01 2011
duxlux

Just got back from a stint in mainland China, where travelling in public is quite a challenge of the best of times (but fascinating all the same).

I cracked a large smile when I read that mainland Chinese tourism is on the rise in Australia (yes it’s a Fairfax rag, sorry Tele readers)

http://www.smh.com.au/news/travel/china-to-become-worlds-top-tourist-destination/2007/07/02/1183351100873.html

Can’t wait for Today Tonight to do a story on the quirks of Chinese Tourism in Oz. The bogues will go absolutely ape, when hordes of flag toting tour guides starting bringing them to OUR beaches, OUR Opera House and OUR kitchy souvenir shops to buy OUR goods (made in China).

Can those guys push in during a queue…wow! Queue jumping is the norm in such a largely populated country. But wait until TT catchup with them over here!! We can send Matty White (armed with Mandarin interpreter) out to the lines at Sydney Airport and nail them on the spot.

That’s 6.30pm gold right there peeps (sorry I meant platinum)!! and will rate better than the Flat Belly Diet any day!

And a nicestory about public spitting will send those 30km from the CBD into a rabid frenzy. Hey, if we had to breathe in particulate matter like the Chinese do, we’d be hocking loud throaty green oysters with the best of them! But not in this country, no sir.

Vomiting in public after a shitload of Vodka Cruisers is perfectly fine, but public gobbing in the street is totally Un-Australian. Never the less, Today Tonight should stick it to them, before they think it’s perfectly alright to do it here.

Did I hear you say a similar story from ACA will ensue?

18 01 2011
Will S

I remember seeing a TT story not that long about about tourism on the Gold Coast from Middle Eastern countries. It used to be that the bogan would complain about the large number of Japanese visitors; apparently it’s the a-rabs now.

The main thrust of the story was that there were increasing numbers of signs written in Arabic around the streets and shops on the GC, as well as people in the typical Arab garb.

18 01 2011
18 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Dux, I love the way your mind works. Martin whathisface could do that story too. Yeh King that skinny f”cker.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

where the hell is Simon?
are you competing in the Tour de Adelaide Simon?
Team Spiderman?
hmmm?
I keep seeing heaps of spidermans on the roads and wondering which one is you…

19 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Hey Chubs, I am in Bright. This weekend is the Alpine Classic cycle event, 200km in the alps which includes riding up Falls Creek and Mt Buffalo. The tour down under is a great event but the community ride is full of muppets who dust off the spiderman once a year and try to ride like Lance. The Alpine is only for the serious and the Vic Alps are beautiful this time of year.

For future reference my spiderman suit is branded Norwood Parade Cycles and is blue and yellow.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

I am pretty certain The Jetstar Platinum Mastercard is just about the weakest thing I have ever heard of.

19 01 2011
duxlux

Let’s hope Tiger Airways doesn’t get any ideas then.

13 05 2011
kp

Now the CBA has released the Diamond Awards Credit Card.

21 04 2012
Casper

“HSBC’s platinum Visa card is open to people with just $50,000 of annual income, despite being marketed as “exclusive, elusive, and not for everyone”.

Wow. What’s the term for ‘trust-fund kiddie masquerading as a class warrior on the internet’? It’d better not be ‘bogan’ or you guys are shit outta luck. Now, I don’t live in Toorak but $50,000kpa is a pretty decent wage for a whole boatload (sit down, now) of educated professionals. Maybe not for a mine worker, which bears out the attitude, but only if the writer sees making less than that (or, one’s parent on your behalf in addition to buying your books and perhaps subsidising your rent) as an automatic ticket to wherever losers live that’s not the shitty end of Toorak.

Economics students. When shielding your prejudices is just too much effort.

At the end of 2010, the average full time adult wage for Australians was 66k, and the median was over 54k. The point of the article is that terms like exclusive and platinum have been warped by marketers to the point where they cease to mean anything at all. TBL
http://www.abs.gov.au/AUSSTATS/abs@.nsf/Lookup/6302.0Main+Features1Nov%202010?OpenDocument

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