#206 – New Year’s Resolutions

10 01 2011

In a rare display of patience, the bogan has resisted temptation and waited all year. And when, on January first, it wakes up with fireworks and the familiar clink of Jägerbombs still ringing in its ears, it is ready to act. The bogan vows that this year will be different. This will be the year that it shows “them”. That afternoon it compiles a lengthy list of goals, revelling in the arbitrary sense of occasion that the first day of the year grants to such a list. It vows to become fitter, happier, more productive, more spiritual, more maxtreme. A key additional benefit of this process for the bogan is the opportunity to loudly announce these proposed changes, receiving supportive nods and counter-boasts from fellow bogans. These conversations please the bogan.

On January 2, the bogan digs out its pair of sports shorts, and marches off to Fitness First to sign up for 12 months. On January 3, it enrols in a short course that will provide it with the singing skills to dominate Australian Idol. On January 4, it buys the leather-bound tome that will house its much-anticipated family tree project. On January 5, it attends the gym. On January 6, it is virtually immobile due to the volume of bicep curls it insisted on doing. On January 11, it returns to the gym, somewhat humbled, and increasingly aware that getting either huge or svelte will take quite some time.

A month later, its sports shorts are back in the drawer, buried under the sedimentary layer of its bourbon-stained Southern Cross Australia Day attire. The first six hours of the singing course failed to transform it into a pop idol, so it blamed the teacher for being useless, and discontinued its attendance. One way in which it had become more like a pop idol, however, came via its lack of gym attendance in over three weeks. The bogan’s physique was closer to Susan Boyle’s than it had ever been. The only family tree project that was underway in the McMansion was the female bogan nagging its spouse to take the baubles off the dead pine limb in the rumpus room, and cart it out to the nature strip so it could become someone else’s problem.  Not an ideal outcome, but the bogan knows that it must wait until January 1 next year before it can ponder new targets.


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179 responses

10 01 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Happy new year, regular lesser people.

10 01 2011
Shirley

For many years my NYR was to eat a banana every day. I never made it through January so now I just don’t make them. (NYRs that is, not bananas.)

10 01 2011
HappyFriend

I was in Ballarat on the weekend and saw more bogans there than ever before. Every male I saw was wearing cargo pants and singlets. Why do they want to show of their fat legs and skinny tattooed arms?
Don’t they know how ugly they are?

10 01 2011
Nelson Esq

You reckon Ballarat is boganic, I have just come back from a week in Tasmania, and almost everyone there is a bogan. And worse, they’re FAT bogans. I don’t think salad is very popular on the Apple Isle. It is a very beautiful and picturesque state, but never in my life have I seen so many such lovely views being ruined by having a flock fat bogans walk across it.

And what they say about the inbreeding must be true too, because when I was Inceston (I mean Launceston) every second bloke looked like Todd Russell, one of the blokes they pulled out of the Beaconsfield mine.

11 01 2011
GoldCoaster

The normal people left Tasmania years ago, lol, like my husband- he’s about as un-bogan as you can get. He was born in Hobart but left.

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

The only NYR I have stuck with is to not bother with ever going out for NY eve again. Absolute blanket zero tolerance policy for house parties, nightclubs and events that happen on New years Eve. I have wasted so much time and money in the past lining up for hours for taxi’s outside overpriced clubs and venues or sitting around peoples houses waiting for the clock to strike 12. Worse still, waiting for people to leave my house at 4 in the morning because they cant get a taxi. I’d rather be at home and in bed by 10 than put up with that kinda of shite again.
My god, i’m a grumpy old kunt.

10 01 2011
Shirley

I refuse to go out to nightclubs etc. on NYE as well, but I am partial to a good house party. This year I was asleep by 10pm though. It was refreshing to be up and about early and not hungover on NYD.

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

You just cant tell if its going to be a good house party though. Big risk. You don’t want to be one of 6 people who bothered to show up and then feel obliged to stay all night so the host doesn’t look like a twat. I’d rather not bother going….

10 01 2011
Shirley

I would only attend parties I was absolutely sure were going to be fun. This is where Facebook comes in handy these days. You can peruse the list of those who have RSVP’d and judge how annoying they are likely to be based on their likes etc. I passed on a party invite this NYE by using this method.

10 01 2011
Fiona of Carlton

HAHA I veto parties using the same method Shirley!

10 01 2011
p'bee

do you put angry letters in your neighbours’ letter boxes for being too noisy and keeping you up?

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Not yet, but that’s a good idea! I’ll start drafting them for next year.

10 01 2011
p'bee

happy to help you become a crazy coot.

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Dear Inconsiderate B@stards,

Please keep the level of noise at your annual hootenanny down to a minimum this year. Some of us are trying to get a good nights rest as we care about our schoolgirl complexions.

Signed
Concerned Resident

10 01 2011
p'bee

love the use of the word hootenanny.

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Who doesn’t? That can be your NY resolution – use the word hootenanny at least once a week in conversation.

10 01 2011
p'bee

i just might take you up on that suggestion, v’v.

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Do, It’s a hoot.

11 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Watch out for the bogue with cosmopolitan inclinations: next thing you know, they’ll be calling upon their remote Scottish ancestry (their great, great grandma hailed from The Gorbals in Glasgow) and at the end of the year be celebrating Hogmanay, like they observe St Patrick’s Day in recognition of their tenuous Irish links.

10 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Happy New Year TBL regulars!

I do the exact opposite Viv: we pay a visit to the neighbours to let us know when one of my housemates is having a party. Always seem to turn into some sort of David Guetta cult gathering, where the music is as loud as the clothing of the clientele.

As always, the ones I run are civilized affairs; brandy glasses, sizzling BBQ’s and regular chit chat standard.

My housemates and their respective partners gave me a nice wake up call at 0230 Sunday morning. They thought it was a good idea to play the “Blah Blah” game in the room next to mine after a night out on the town. I remember what they said verbatim:

“Ok ok ok, your turn now…”
(pause)
“BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!”
(all round laughter)
“Ok ok ok, your turn now…”
(pause)
“BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!”
(all round laughter)

And so on for about 20 minutes. I wasn’t going to argue with a bunch of inebriated souls, so I let it ride. I knew they’d eventually pass out one by one, and luckily they did. I chatted to them last night about, they apologised but said they were playing the Blah Blah game and (apparently) you can’t stop that once it gets going.

Has anyone heard any instances of this game being played before round their neck of the woods? Good to have you all back for the New Year…

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Such restraint, if that happened in the room next to me I would have started a game of “Shut the fark up and get out of my house and take your tacky David Guetta cd with you”

You only need one player. It goes like this:

Me: “Shut the fark up and get out of my house and take your tacky David Guetta cd with you”

(Round of awkward silence)

Me: Now

10 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Batteries not included, Ages 3 and up…

10 01 2011
p'bee

the blah blah game? how old are these people?

oh no, i’m turning into v’v.

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

We can pen hate mail together.

10 01 2011
p'bee

it is always more fun to do things together.

10 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Funnily enough, older than me…

The ring leader is 27…or so he says…

Me being 24 and staying in on New Years Eve, all alone (the girlfriend is in France and doesn’t come back for two more weeks), watching Quadrophenia before midnight and That’s Entertainment afterwards, knowing that going anywhere near the city on 31st December is a cultural and social quagmire…I think I’ve almost achieved Zen…

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

You younguns, I had to record Quadrophenia and watch it the next day. Oh, you got me started, now I’m going into old school ABC Backchat mode..

Dear Aunty, why oh why oh why do you have to put fillums on so late? For my 8 cents a day, i expect fillums to end before 9.30pm so I can get a decent nights sleep.
Signed
Tired and Disappointed

10 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Surprising, considering the amount of F and C bombs dropped in that movie…doubt it would have even been considered for a start time before 9.30pm. The ABC still has standards you know!

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Don’t forget the nudity. I saw their bits in that bathtub singing scene. I had to pause it to make sure i could pen my complaint letter properly.

11 01 2011
GoldCoaster

Flatmates are evil! Rent a one bedroom dive somewhere and live by yourself. I think 90% of flatmates, by definition, are bogans.

10 01 2011
Brimstone

i went to Peats Ridge festival again.
nice mixture of hippies and hipsters

16 02 2011
M-Pathetic - - KNOT!

…at least you managed to get TWO of your seemingly random insertions and delations of apostrophes correct v’vi 🙂

…love the ‘kinda of'[sic] tautology!!!

10 01 2011
Tone

My NYR this year is to not post comments on the TBL blog. Oh wait …

10 01 2011
p'bee

i don’t think i’ve ever made a new year’s resolution. can’t think of any, anyway.

10 01 2011
Glass 'em all

I resolved not to, years ago, Only one I’ve ever kept…

10 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I too do the same. Don’t make NYRs. That way, I don’t find myself in a quagmire of self-loathing whence upon realising I will not emerge from a fantastic chrysalis a splendid butterfly, which requires more self-discipline than some half-baked list permits. These days, I try to set goals in small bite-size parcels and compound them eventually into the whole—I find that a much more successful venture in the long term.

Besides, the whole Christmas-New Years period for me is one frenzied rush of festivities, as my birthday on the 5th bookends a period that also encompasses the birthdays of a few other good friends of mine too…in my mind, a less-than-ideal period for introspection, evaluation and forward planning required to enact major life changes, methinks!

10 01 2011
Tombarina

I’ve only made a handful, all of which were achieved.

Mind you, they were slightly more fundamental than “learn guitar”, “eat more fish” and “get huge”.

In receding chronological order, they were “get the #@*^ out of Townsville”, “don’t kill XXXX”, and “get divorced”.

Given my batting average, maybe I should shoot for “broker Middle Eastern peace deal”, “teach people how/when to indicate on roundabouts” and “unwankify Warne, deskankify orange Snooki creature”. Although the last notion is clearly pie in the sky….

10 01 2011
Brimstone

Write More (i make this every year)
Exercise/Swim (i never keep this)
Be Less Creepy/Emotional (i try)
Learn Guitar (never keep it)
Drink More/Relax More (yes, i want to drink more this year. not sure if i’m keeping it)
Listen To More Kinds of Music

10 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

‘This will be the year that it shows “them”’

Oh the Bogan; willing enough to put itself in its place when others aren’t around to ‘have a go’ at…

10 01 2011
AntiPajero

Article about someone who’s just like a bogan, only more articulate:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/drunk-will-show-you-everybody,1940/

10 01 2011
bec

My NY resolution was to never again eat any food that had the words “lite”, “diet” or “low-fat” on the packaging. It has worked stupendously well so far and may be the best resolution yet.

10 01 2011
kymbos

Oh my God. I’m such a bogan.

10 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

That’s ok Kymbos, just make a New Year Resolution not to be one…oh wait…

10 01 2011
shakPower

HAHA , spot on again. New year resolutions are such a bogan thing to do. i think the bogan’s new year list might also have things like :
1. Double the amount of people i yell out at while driving past at high speed in my V8 (what is that thing anywaz? why the hell do they do that? What do they yell?)
2. Triple the amount of nights i get so smashed and pass out in someone’s lawn (one bogan actually said that to me as his new year resolution)
3. Make the world a better place by getting a eco friendly tattoo , usually a flower or smthing . (ok i made this one up but wont be surprised if its true)

10 01 2011
p'bee

i like the way you think, shakpower.

10 01 2011
Common man

I had two that didn’t stand a hope of lasting.
Installing spellcheck,
Running away with tomba.
I guess the nyr is just another daydream of hope for the procrast’s that be.

10 01 2011
bec

This could be your year, Common Man! Clap your hands and say you believe!

11 01 2011
Common man

LOL.
Well, i couldn’t read or write before the invention of tbl.
So… clapping would be to loud (bogan) i shall just hum instead.

11 01 2011
p'bee

you have come a long way. we’re all so proud of you.

10 01 2011
William
10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Oh the horror. I had an old childhood friend post a picture of herself on facebook wearing the same bikini as in photo 11. I was horrified when i saw it – she did the high angle classic fat girl shot, camera looking down at her. She is scrawny and nearly 40 though. It just wasn’t good. Apparently I have no idea though, as a number of bogans called Jason and the like all hit the ‘like’ button .

10 01 2011
Brimstone

it’s a touring dance festival, hitting all the sates

10 01 2011
Werdna

…and probably the next bogan name craze. I can picture it now. Myddyhsyhn Summerdayze (insert last name)

10 01 2011
martin

Photo 2 makes me want to become a serial killer. Anyone with a full arm tatt and or anyone who makes a V sign with their hand. Dead.

10 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Nice one CM but Parking man may have something to say about 2.

I, also am a boring old fart. I went bed early and got up early and went for a 120 km bike ride in my Spiderman suit. News years is great for this because all the Chevadore and Skyline driving bogans who love to drive really close to you and provide helpful advice/abuse are still in bed.

10 01 2011
amr

Only need to be walking along the footpath for advice to be forthcoming…

Spent the evening at Semaphore amongst drunk bogans but at least that was in the dry zone.

10 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

#291 – Sneaking Grog into Dry Zones.

10 01 2011
amr

#290 – Getting plastered before entering said dry zone and still sneaking grog in.

10 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

#292 – Getting caught sneaking grog in and abusing the rope nazi.

10 01 2011
The Court Jester

#293 -Telephoning a friend as you stand outside after being ejected from the dry area and abusing the rope nazi; then bellowing out your dissatisfaction at said ejection, so as to be audible from 40 paces, and announcing that “mate, getting kicked out was total faaarrrrkin’ bullshit, ay!”.

10 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

#294 – Trying the other entrance in the stupid belief that the Nazis do not communicate on their radios.

10 01 2011
Werdna

#295 – Calling your missus at the back of a police van complaining that those carnts need to be glassed for not stopping them damn asylum seekers and paedophiles instead of targeting honest hard-working white Oztrayans.

10 01 2011
clipper

‘fitter, happier, more productive’ – is this a nod to Radiohead? Whenever any bogans camp down outside my house (inner city living next to a pub does have it’s drawbacks) and start their inane chatter, I stick on a Radiohead album, and before you know it there are plenty of ‘see youse later’ and off they go.

10 01 2011
Coffeesnob

Except Radiohead got it wrong, they should have used the lyrics, “Fitter…happier…more Maxxxtreme”.

11 01 2011
The Court Jester

“Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries… until you glass the caaarrrnts”.

11 01 2011
p'bee

i think it should be “proving how much more awesome you are than your associate employee contemporaries”

10 01 2011
Loftie

I had a new years resolution to spend less time wandering around the internet reading blogs and forums and posting my opinion…

I’ve lasted 10 days…. 😉

Which is consistant with my Bogan Heritage…

10 01 2011
SD

Those calendars/posters with DESTINY, HOPE, DETERMINATION, COURAGE etc accompanied by a pretty picture are also bogan. As are quotes, inane quotes as status updates were rife when I was on FB (though admittedly the quotes were sometimes better than their usual drivel). Really all motherhood statements intended to make the person seem deep but achieving the opposite.

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I want a “Hang in There” Poster with a cute kitten hanging off a branch. That’s what I need for my office. They are hilarious.

10 01 2011
p'bee

no, it needs to be a clothesline strung up between two buildings, not a branch.

10 01 2011
SD

I am a sucker for the Keep Calm and Carry On poster.

10 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Very British. I’d like to make a ‘Keep Carrying On’ poster – Red background and a big pair of tits instead of a crown. Maybe the word ‘Saucy’ or ‘Nice Pear’ written underneath. Clarsie.

10 01 2011
SD

That’s very British too!

10 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

I saw they’re selling those posters at Borders for about $10.

Also, check out these awesome derivatives!
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/keep-calm-and-carry-on

10 01 2011
James Hunter

How about a “Hang in There” poster of Eichman on a rope ?

10 01 2011
martin

I like the detmotivator posters with messages like “Losing – when your best just isn’t good enough”.

10 01 2011
The Court Jester

Or “MEETINGS: None of us are as dumb as all of us”. Or “GET TO WORK: You’re not being paid to believe in the power of your dreams”.

Every time I see a motivational poster (which is sickeningly often around my place of work), I have an insatiable urge to rip it down and replace it with a demotivational poster.

10 01 2011
martin

I f$cking hate HR and all that bullshit that they’ve pervaded the workplace with. Those motivational posters deserve their own TBL thread I think.

Who saw “The Grumpy Guide to” this evening on the ABC? It was about work and this very sort of thing.

11 01 2011
Common man

Dont forget those gruesome workcover accident pics.
They must just copyright the pretty pics from ciggarettes.

10 01 2011
Tombarina

Me too. My personal favourite is “WINNING: Because nothing says “you’re a *$(*ing pussy loser” more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.”

A handful of demotivational goodness: http://www.forkparty.com/45-demotivational-posters-that-are-actually-funny/

10 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ah Tomba, I thought CM may have abducted you.

10 01 2011
The Court Jester

Classic! Thank you for ameliorating my chronic Monday-itis with that collection, Tombarina.

They were missing a couple of my favourites, though:
http://www.motifake.com/unique-demotivational-poster-49.html

http://demotivator.tumblr.com/post/697309892/ambition-motivational-posters-useless-as-if-a

10 01 2011
Tombarina

Gold – I’d forgotten about YMCA.

Weirdly, a link from demotivator took me to a site for the Charlie Sheen Shirt Collection – for US$69, you too can dress as a giant douche. http://www.globalrebels.com/davinci/?gclid=CN2lq9aar6YCFQLybwodEnVVUQ

11 01 2011
Sheriff Struggle

There are thousands of them at fakeposters.com Most of them are crap but there are some good ones in there. NSFW

12 01 2011
Whistling Nixie

10 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I want my own Gothopotumus. That is my NYR.

10 01 2011
Mick

Ha! That’s the way Simon.

Aim big. Aim for the moon.

10 01 2011
p'bee

i love demolition raccoon. and exercise is a depressing classic.

10 01 2011
SD

“the sedimentary layer of its bourbon-stained Southern Cross Australia Day attire”

I don’t think I have heard the words sedimentary layer after school. Well done on working that in.

10 01 2011
Mick

To rid myself of some residual bogan habits is my NYR. To stop saying ‘eh’ and ‘but’ at the end of every other sentence. Also, to stop calling every other male on the planet ‘brother’.

However, I sense a problem here. Seeing as a NYR is bogan, does making a NYR to rid myself of bogan tendencies make me a bigger bogan than before.

I might give Yossarian a ring. He understands these situations.

10 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Nothing wrong with those speech patterns Mick. Not all of us can be high class, but we can choose to not be bogan through our consumption patterns and attitude towards others.

10 01 2011
10 01 2011
Bag O'Turnips

The bogans who all purchased the ever-so-maginally beneficial vitamin waters have, quite literally, drank the Kool-Aid. Or Cottee’s or Anchor cordials, locally speaking.

They may just as well have…at least those lolly water concentrates are a damn sight cheaper!

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

CHOICE spokeswoman Ingrid Just said Nutrient Water claimed its Cranberry Grapefruit Multi-Vitamin Water drink offered the same benefits as eight hours sleep, a bowl of steamed greens and pre-dawn power walks.

Really, from a bottle of water, jeez I need some of that stuff.

11 01 2011
p'bee

i’d prefer if it offered the same benefits of a 3pm stroll rather than pre dawn power walks.

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I want the benefits of 6hrs of Tantric sex myself.

11 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I hear that listening to The Police will delay any chance of an orgasm for several hours. Think of dead kittens, or Sting.

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*limp*

11 01 2011
The Court Jester

“Baseball… cold showers… Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY!”

11 01 2011
James Hunter

Simon it is so good to see the comment not far below is from “blueballs” after you say you want 6 hours of Tantric sex !!
Well ogranised

11 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Straight water, or pre-mixed?

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The water needs the sex mixed in I reckon.

11 01 2011
SD

There’s a new marketing idea, a water with Vitamin S. Naturellement it will be called SXXX or variants thereof.

11 01 2011
p'bee

h2woah, with picture of trashy duckface bikini girl on the bottle.

11 01 2011
SD

Excellent! H2Ho perhaps?

11 01 2011
p'bee

both. there needs to be more than one flavour.

11 01 2011
James Hunter

PBee , What does HO taste like ?

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m told it is salty.

11 01 2011
p'bee

like you don’t know where it’s been.

11 01 2011
SD

True. All bogue drinks must have 20 “variants” to give the illusion of choice.

11 01 2011
p'bee

we need a few more then. skank2o, maybe?

11 01 2011
SD

H2Oi Oi Oi too.

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Slapper De Aqua

11 01 2011
The Court Jester

Mount Skank’lin?

11 01 2011
p'bee

love mount skank’lin.

10 01 2011
Blueballs

Speaking of Bogan NYE resolutions….
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/ipad/flourishing-rose-to-branch-out/story-fn6bn80a-1225979626241

Note the lack of reader comments. Obviously a great number of folks have decided their resolution was to not waste their time commenting on the many Ruby Rose originated brainfarts passed of as ‘journalism’ in the fine journal of record that is The Huns ‘Confidential’ section

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Hi QLD Tbl’ers,

I hope you good people are all ok, let us know ok?

11 01 2011
GoldCoaster

So far so good on the Gold Coast. Brisbane’s a bit of a worry though…hope you’re alright, our Brisbane brothers and sisters.

Thanks Simon!

11 01 2011
Shirley

Flooding has just started in the Milton area. It’s not looking good and we’re all preparing for the worst. Please be sensible all you other Brisbanites and thanks for your concern Simon.

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

All the best Shirl. Thinking of you dude.

11 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Stay out of the water and you will be ok., seriously though – I hope you guys are all coping. I’ve been through floods on several occasions and they aren’t fun. The upside – you can start panic eating now.

11 01 2011
SD

Take care Shirl and everyone else.

11 01 2011
p'bee

seconded. everyone stay safe.

11 01 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Take care all. I’ve got most of my extended family in Brisbane, some in Coorparoo and Norman Park, so my thoughts are with them and everyone affected…

11 01 2011
Tombarina

We’re at Norman Park – creek v high but only localised flooding at the mo. No properties inundated.

Went through Coorparoo 20 mins ago – a lot of water running through the creek catchment and some local road closures but I’ve seen it higher when we used to live in Temple St.

However it’s still raining steadily and the water hasn’t peaked.

Footnote: witnessed panic buying at a CBD newsagency on my way home – people were stocking up on Gold Lotto, lest they be unable to purchase tomorrow, presumably.

11 01 2011
Tombarina

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but police have started forcing evacuations at Coorparoo and Norman Park.

Evac warnings also for East Brisbane, Kangaroo Point, Rocklea, Bulimba, Murarrie, Hemmant and Lytton.

This follows a warning by Brisbane Lord Mayor Campbell Newman that more water was flowing into the Wivenhoe Dam than the Brisbane River had received in the 1974 floods.

11 01 2011
Tombarina

Thanks lovely.

CBD being evacuated. We’re high and dry, but looking very grim for a lot of other people. About to start moving gear to higher ground for friends going under.

Shirl, you’re in WE, aren’t you? Are you high enough?

11 01 2011
Shirley

No, I’m not in WE. We’re fine where we are and I’m much more relaxed now that my beloved is home from the CBD. It’s all getting a bit scary now though.

11 01 2011
Tombarina

Thank God for that. Glad you kids are OK.

I’m a bit worried about Parking Man – he’s stuck the other side of town and the mobile networks are starting to crash. Vodaphone already dead….

11 01 2011
SD

Hey Tomba take care, the situation seems pretty bad.

Should we send common man across for help?!

11 01 2011
Tombarina

I’m not sure how well CM and PM would get along…

Situation is pretty bloody average for a lot of people. We’re simply very lucky.

I’ve been talking to friends and family in Toowoomba, and even though my opinion of that burg is low, the state of affairs there is horrific.

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

How the hell do you have a flood on the top of a hill? Baby Jesus, that’s enough already.

11 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

It’s because you continue to use his name in vain Simon. That’s how.

11 01 2011
Pandabater

Can I get a Amen?

11 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

mmmm hmmmmm!

11 01 2011
James Hunter

All the creeks and streams in the immediate area are clogged with the left over rubbish from the construction of the Ark. Be caregull the water contains a lot of animal shit.
May your Deity of choice be with you

11 01 2011
Andrew

And it only took bogan chief whip Andrew Bolt a few hours to whip up another version of his twisted polemic using it as another excuse to bang his ‘build a dam’ gong. And that the PM saying this was the time to help people was just an excuse. Fuck me, the only silver lining was the fact that comments have been turned off during the holidays so his merry band of bogans couldn’t add more drivel. Simon – any chance of organising a drive-by glassing?

11 01 2011
James Hunter

Andrew, you need help but untill you can find a therapist look for a kevlar jacket with multiple glass pouches each loaded with a carefully broken schooner glass.
some resin in a side pocket so you can dust your hands befor going into battle. Definetly do not want a glass to slip from your fingers. maybe a set of clear safty goggles to complete the kit. just to prevent infected bogan blood ftom getting in your eyes. one drop in your eyesand you may have vissions of sale signs at hardly normals of 250% off at meyers. horror

12 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I have tried Andrew but I think he expects it. The bugger wears chainmail under his suit for protection!

11 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

My NYR – to create a mountain dedicated to the ultimate symbols of boganity in Australia. I’m thinking Mt Rushmore-style carvings of P!nk, Richard Wilkins and the Fev, along with one other (not Warnie cause I can’t do that). I shall call it Mt Glassmore.

11 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

Cool, you could just alter the fake Uluru at Leyland Brothers World in NSW if you are looking for a shortcut.

http://journals.worldnomads.com/stowaway/gallery/6392/171048.aspx

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That is genius. I’m sure Warnie will get a place, but how will you keep his teeth white enough to be seen from space?

11 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

My inner 12 year old won’t allow me to put Warnie up there. I can’t do it.

11 01 2011
Pandabater

Aussie Bogans love to claim overseas
“stars” so King Bogue Crowe must feature.

12 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Thanks, Panda. Russ it is.

I’ll stick giant speakers in his ear that blare this Frenzal Rhomb classic:

11 01 2011
Tombarina

Couldn’t Warnie’s teeth be bedazzled into space-spottable radiance?

11 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

We could liberally apply anal bleach to them.

11 01 2011
Edward

I’d use large inlaid slabs of chalcedony. Pick the colour carefully, and they will replicate the effects of excessive whitening treatments, with that alarming blue tinge.

11 01 2011
Scrotalitarian regime

Having just spent two weeks in Adelaide, I’d like to nominate it as Bogan Mecca. Nearly everyone has either a tramp stamp or bogan slogan on their pasty upper arms or muffin tops, and everyone looks just a little bit…wrong. Plus it has a spectacular concentration of ginger boges forming lines outside a Hog’s Breath or Cheap As Chips. Boge-tacular!

11 01 2011
Pandabater

Doug Mulray said
‘Adelaide is just like Yass, but with poofters.’

11 01 2011
faux boganista, formerly of SA

I wasnt even fortunate enough to live in Adelaide, I was more in feral swamp donkey turf up the river. The good thing about Adelaide is they think they have culture and stuff, but really its like a quaint English village like a Jilly Cooper novel. Sure, theres the odd serial killer to beware of, but after Wayne Carey there hasnt been a decent football scandal in years. To anyone who hasnt been there, its relaxing and also entertaining – those pandas laying around doing nothing are about as energetic as it gets.

11 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

See we here in Adelaide know we swim in bogans so we are ok. Sydney and Melbourne live with the delusion that they are Clarrsy n sh*it so that makes them even more bogue. I’m going to live QLD alone today as they need a break.

Oh and we have the Clipsal 500 to rival your Bogan nads CJ. But I think you may just pip us, the nads crowd is feral.

11 01 2011
brad

You may want to venture to a Melbourne Victory v Adelaide United game one day Simon(I know its soccer but theirs no AFL and the crickets shit),anyway the entertainment is not on the pitch ,but in the titanic clash of two bogan tribes.Nothing funnier than watching a couple of thousand pissed bogans of multi ethnic origins chanting in unison towards a couple of hundred cowering croweaters(of more than equal bogan credentials) “you got your bodies in a barrel,you got your bodiessss in a baaaarrel” to the tune of “Guantanamera” or as its more commonly known,”one tonne radeo”. No delusions here!

11 01 2011
James Hunter

Brad,
Sorry but you have obviously gone over to the other side.

11 01 2011
brad

i never take sides JH, i merely play them off against each other and then claim whatever is left 🙂

11 01 2011
James Hunter

Brad,
Not the footy, the bogan side !!!

11 01 2011
brad

never fear-reconnaissance and intel,purely a fact finding exercise.

11 01 2011
James Hunter

Brad , you need to take great care in enemy territory. If possible have someone like simon or chubby along to go on point and the other as tail end charlie. I am constrained a bit these days with a problematic back but could still provide long cover as a sniper.need a spotter though so see who you could find.Prefer someone who has spotted before and knows their balistics and windage with out having to have a laser rangefinder and a balistic computer. mind you if they got one and know how to use it great.

11 01 2011
The Court Jester

I see your Bogan Mecca nomination, and raise you one: Canberra during SummerNats (I’m campaigning for it to be renamed ‘BoganNats’).

Having the misfortune of living in the Crapital, I have just had to endure the week-long orgy of boganism that occurs every year when that cursed festival of revheads comes to town.

During this time it is not wise to leave your domicile, lest one of the BoganNats attendees molests you, glasses you, or mows you down in their fully sick maxxxtreme vehicle while doing wicked burnouts like a madkunt.
As a female, it is impossible to venture into the public domain without receiving numerous and vociferous requests to display one’s mammaries.

Truly the zenith of boganism.

11 01 2011
The Court Jester

In fact, I forsee an upcoming TBL entry: #458 -Car Shows.

How about it, TBL?

12 01 2011
Scrotalitarian regime

There’s a bogan boat (boagt?) parked in my block of units called ‘Pink Bits’, so perhaps there’s scope to address the aquatic bogan as well as the landlubber bogan of the car show?

12 01 2011
Nelson Esq

There’s plenty of boats out there that bogans love. From fishing tinnies for old school bogues, to the off-shore beamoths / leisure craft to do some deep sea marlin fishing for the over tanned Gold Coast cashed up bogues, to waterskiing speed boats for the Murray River or Lake Eildon/Bonnie Doon bogue nouveaus.

12 01 2011
Scrotalitarian regime

Very true, and especially jet skis — loud, turbulent, boorish and annoying, just like their owners!

11 01 2011
SD
12 01 2011
Mumfy27

Oh this is the latest Bogan facebook chain status/Forum Post doing the rounds on the interwebs……

Indonesian Tsunami..Australia gives $1 billion in aid, Pakistan floods..Australia gives $66.5 million in aid. THE WORST floods in Australian history destroys homes, towns, life and businesses…Australian government donates a lazy $1 million.. pull your finger out of your ass Anna Bligh and Gillard start looking after your own, post this to try & make them wake the hell up!

So many ways to discredit this, yet i know would be better off talking to a brick wall

12 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I start work as a sales rep for a charity next week.

I wonder if it’s worth telling any bogans that won’t sign up that if they do, they’ll make some kid’s life in Africa/Asia/Latin America better, and that kid is less likely to come here and fill up the country. (Maybe even claim that I came as a refugee, and their support means less people like me will come in).

Unethical? Hell yeah, but if that’s what it takes…so should I use this pitch to my more hostile/racist targets?

12 01 2011
SD

Apologies Ash but sales reps for charities actually do them a disservice. I left half a dozen because of the hard sell and trying to make people sign forms then and there. Not to speak of the fact that many of them had no clue – “but you must care about X because the women are suffering”!

12 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

To be honest, that’s 100% true. I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t need the cash.

12 01 2011
Lola

Anyone stupid enough to sign up to a chugger’s spiel deserves whatever story it takes to give them/the ‘charity’ its 50% cut of the credit card payments.

12 01 2011
Brimstone

Wow. You guys are so cynical you won’t donate to charity

12 01 2011
Pandabater

The charity-commission ratio is the worrying part.
Give direct.

12 01 2011
SD

No I don’t donate to charity. That’s because I have lived in hard scrabble places and I can vouch for the fact that hardly any charity dollars reach after navigating admin costs and corruption.

Its a business intended to make people feel that they are doing “something” and feel good about themselves. Better to be local – say buy a Big Issue – or volunteer instead of handing over dollars.

12 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

My policy is to donate with priority to animals over people in the majority of cases. Animals don’t ask to be bred, sold, abused and discarded and usually have no way out of their situation or alternative options. People usually do. Sometimes I give to people though. I refuse to engage with people on the streets on my lunch break and I also refuse to sign over credit card details or enter into contracts. Any charitable inclinations I may accidentally feel will be managed on my terms and at my discretion.

13 01 2011
The Court Jester

I’m with you, V’v -accosting me on the streets while I’m trying to go about my business in peace is the quickest way to ensure that you get not one cent of my hard-earned. Especially given the aggressively persistent way in which some of them carry on.
I simply cannot abide those obnoxious, loud-tshirt-clad prats who insist on following me and continuing their ‘sales pitch’ even after I’ve said “no thank you, I’m not interested” three times over.

Of course they remain undeterred by such rebuffs, merely taking them as a cue to proceed to the maxtreme guilt trip. One particular supercilious tosser asked me if the reason I wouldn’t sponsor a child was because I didn’t like children. My response was “why yes, I like children. But I couldn’t eat a whole one”. Amazingly, he then left me alone.

But for fark’s sake, if I wanted a guilt trip from an overbearing meddler then I’d ring my mother.
End of rant.

13 01 2011
Tombarina

I third V’vi. A two-block lunchtime stroll from my Brisbane CBD workplace to a little noodle bar around the corner entails being accosted by, on average, six different groups of spruikers saving kids, whales, dugongs, koalas, swimmers, non-swimmers, oceans, rainforests, deserts, the Arctic tundra and Presbyterian Morris dancers.

I support a number of charities via annual donations. I do not give money to these organisations so they can spend it on hard-sell backpackers to give me the $hit$ while I’m trying to buy a $6 bowl of tom yum.

These days, when I am accosted, I carefully note the name of the organisation, then contact it to advise them that I will be withdrawing my financial support.

The tipping point came when I was harangued by a particularly brash tag team pair who brayed that the price of the coffee I was carrying could support one Lesser Eastern Buck-Toothed Vole for a week. I pointed out that also for the same price, I could purchase a pair of scissors and stab them both in the neck.

13 01 2011
v'visexxx!on

I’ve heard that you give money to those Lesser Eastern Buck Toothed-Voles, and then they just drink and piss it away before burning down the shelters we build for them anyway.

13 01 2011
Tombarina

Or shovel it into the woodland pokies while their litters sit out in the carpark.
You can’t help a Rodentia muroidia that won’t help itself. Lazy $*&*in’ Arvicolinae.

13 01 2011
Victoria

I just don’t get the fireworks mania . Sure they are pretty to look at but seen one, seen them all. You see all the bogans on NYE catching the train into the city loaded up with their folding chairs, picnic rugs, eskys. They sit around for hours waiting for that magical 15 minutes of fireworks at 9pm & midnight then have to fight their way home on public transport ( and what a shit fight that is). Why bother?

7 03 2011
Andy

despair.com

bogantastic!

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