2010 – A year in review

27 12 2010

Like anything that always attempts to take things to the max, a year is a long time in the world of the bogan. The proliferation of different sizes and brands of energy drink have meant that the bogan has been able to pack more than ever into its 12 months. Let’s take a look at some of its many achievements.

Well hung parliament

To its immense delight, the bogan was able to ignore the federal election result of 2010, and focus on entendre. As we progressively analysed in our Bogan Bribe Watch series, the tight budget made it very difficult for the major parties to offer suites of inefficient bogan bribes, such as a “breathing bonus”, or “reprobate rebate”. Accustomed to voting on the basis of these bribes, the confused bogan horde scattered randomly, and failed to elect any party outright.

The bogan, after a fashion

Due to its crippled attention span and need to be max celeb, fashion can be a highly turbulent area in a bogan’s life. Without a rudder of good taste to help it to navigate through the swirling waters of gimmick marketing, the bogan will unload its dollars onto anything that has a critical mass of celebrities attached to it. But the love affair is often short. Two companies that have experienced this in 2010 have been Ed Hardy Australia, and Power Balance. All of the celebrities in the universe could not save these companies from falling out of favour. Ed Hardy Australia is under administration due to imperial over-reach and ADHD, while the four letters that crushed Power Balance was the rather more bureaucratic ACCC.

Hey Hey, My My

Once you’re gone, you can never come back. Unless, of course, the bogan remembers you with rose tinted glasses. This is the bogan mind trick that renders farewell tours such as David Strassman’s profitable, but it caused a bigger problem in 2010. The return of Hey Hey, It’s Saturday to the bogan’s (triple the size of the 1990s) television screen was initially heralded the bogan getting its way, until it remembered that it didn’t want the show when it was axed a decade prior. Once the honeymoon concluded, even the bogan realised that its plasma screen could be better used for something else, such as UFC. We can only hope that the bogan remembers what it learned.

Leak and destroy

As covered just last week, the bogan’s general indifference to Wikileaks (it would much rather Schapelle coming home than Julian, due to Schapelle being a bogan) is in stark contrast to the bogan’s acute interest in Dickileaks, the process of a 17 year old girl revealing pictures of penises. The bogan had mainly limited its internet experience to porn, joining moronic facebook groups, and writing poorly thought out comments on News Limited articles, but the horizon was broadened in 2010. Expect to see the bogan transform into a truth-seeking internet vigilante in 2011, until it gets bored 5 minutes later, and returns to its standard diet of face-stalking and trawling YouTube for conclusive evidence of Lady Gaga’s ladypenis.

Just letting y’all know that we at TBL are taking a brief break over the next week as we recharge the batteries in preparation for a 2011 in which we continue our quest in opposition to the bogan scourge; hopefully via book #2, if we get our arses into gear.

Thanks to everyone for reading through 2010, and we look forward to doing it all again.

Cheers

Michael, Intravenus, Chas, Flash, Hunter and Enron


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107 responses

27 12 2010
Androo

Mmmhhh … six anonymous authors from Melbourne using the psuedonyms Michael Jayfox, E. Chas McSween, Intravenus DeMilo, Enron Hubbard, Hunter McKenzie-Smythe and Flash Johnson … sort of reminds me of a Melbourne band whose members went by the psuedonyms Ron, Humphrey, Jock, Eugene, Jon, Les, Tokin (dec.), Leak, Genre.
Sorry fellas, the ‘TBL’ facebook page is littered with … you guessed it … bogans. Or perhaps that is the point of the whole exercise, namely to bait people who think they are not bogan who actually are?
One question – two acronyms which stand for everything that is bogan were mostly ignored by the book. I’m speaking of course of ‘AFL’ and ‘NRL’. Material for a 2nd ed. perhaps?

27 12 2010
James Hunter

Androo,
Sorry to rain on your parade BUT;
NRL and AFL are initialisms at best acronyms they are certainly not. They do not form a pronouncable word.
Well known acronyms are Qantas and Nato
So maybe this means you too are a bogan ??

27 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

There are as many normal followers of both codes as there are bogans.

27 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

We need this set of pseudonymous citizens to carry on the good work of that other now moribund set of pseudonymous citizens, TISM (of which is most definitely an acronym), to take to task and torch those who tout the tosh and tripe that threaten thoughtfulness and tastefulness all across this land under the Southern Cross. Of which we share with every other antipodean nation on Earth.

May we battle on in 2011 and have a well earned rest TBL heroes, and don’t go glassin’ cünts, OK?

27 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Nah, glass some cunts if they’re bogans.

27 12 2010
James Hunter

BOT,
Which other antipodean nation ? from the view of europe /UK that is generally ment to be ,or taken to be , Australia and New Zealand. Im not too sure about how to class New Zealanders. are they all bogans ? Or none of them?
On the other hand every where is antipodean to somewhere so we then have the cross cultural translation of bogan into the “cultures” of every country. Now that is a job that I will leave to you good people ,when you are all back at work and can spare the time to get on the business computer!

28 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

No less a nation as Brazil for a kickoff has the Southern Cross constellation feature prominently on its own flag, as does our next door neighbours New Zealand and Papua New Guinea and in the South Pacific, there’s Samoa, Niue and Tokelau with it as well. Not to mention all the other provincial flags and military or government ensigns of many of the aforementioned countries, as some in Chile and Argentina.

As for countries that can observe the Southern Cross most of year, there’s those of Southern Africa (especially South Africa, Namibia, Zimbabwe, Botswana, Lesotho and Swaziland: imagine if the latter adopted as a nationalistic symbol—it’d be the Swazi swazi!); the nearby southern Indian Ocean islands like Madagascar, Réunion and Mauritius; Uruguay and Paraguay in addition to the previously cited South American countries and most of the South Pacific islands not otherwise listed earlier.

Just don’t tell ’em that some states—of which a great many bogans reside in—also have it in their state flags (if there’s one thing more small-minded than nationalism, that’s bleating on about state rights and we really do not want the bogues adopting that as a pet issue) and of course, the flag allied with both the militant blue-collar trade unions and the great-grandaddy bogan hero Ned Kelly: the Eureka Flag. A fine national identification corrupted by those who aren’t interested in high ideals, just carrying on in an uncouth manner thinking they were some webel.

Also don’t tell them that those five stars also feature on the FlagOz and most of the Ausflag designs…the “patriotic” bogues would go apesh¡t, scrooming “traitor f@gs!”

28 12 2010
James Hunter

BOT,
You missed my point which is that “Antipodean” can apply to any country on earth. That we because of our position use it in reference to ourselves is coincidental to the actual meaning of the word. We only used it because the Poms used it to refer to us.

28 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Maybe I did miss it to some extent that I maybe misplace my use, strictly speaking, of the term “antipodean”, insomuch as I did use it the popular Commonwealth sense.

Also went off on a tangent in an extension of my “why does the bogan think they have a monopoly on the Southern Cross as a national symbol?” stance, almost incandescent—burning bright or (max)tremely angry, either definition applies—to the point where someone would’ve done well to douse me with an extinguisher!

28 12 2010
James Hunter

understood, I am a pedant sometimes when not being a strawman !
Re the southerncross symbol, I believe its use in Australia goes back top the Eureka stockade. So the symbol of rightiousness rebellion of Eureka is something they would like to aspire to ?

28 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Nah, just being maxxteme outlaws stickin’ it to The Man. No ticket, no start and such is life. That’s what they’re all about, eh?

Or so they think! More like a bunch of juvenile thugs on a spree.

28 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I would support the Eureka Flag becoming our national flag.

Sure it may have some unsavoury associations right now, but the true ideal behind the flag is much closer to what most (including bogans) see as “Australian” as opposed to the farkin Union Jack.

Ideally, I’d just rip that symbol of colonialism off and put the national crest in the corner though.

29 12 2010
johnnydrama

I can’t stomach the misappropriation of the Southern Cross/Eureka flag. It’s bad enough that ignorant, narrow minded racists use it as their banner. What is worse is that the local government of the town where the flag was designed uses it as their symbol for business. The same f#ckers that compel us to pay taxes and licensing fees etc akin to the ones the miners at Eureka were battling against. Bastards!

27 12 2010
Will S

TBL2: The Bogan Strikes Back
followed in 2012 by
TBL3: Return of the Hipster

27 12 2010
Tone

I was thinking TBL2: Electric Boogaloo. Then I realised that it would probably make more sense to call it ‘More Things Bogans Like’. Not entirely imaginative or original, but it does what it says on the tin.

That said, if TBL REALLY want to get maxtreme sales of both the first book and any subsequent sequels, they need to make a film. Get Maxx Marxxxson on the phone to the good people at Channel Nein and TBL will have a telemovie before you can say ‘chk chk boom’.

27 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Oooh, oooh, I call dibs on playing an Indian who receives a totally maxxtreme beating from the bogans! Then I can become a totally famous celebrity and get Maxx Marxxon as my agent and that.

27 12 2010
James Hunter

Ash,
Just get a job driving cabs in Melbourne and the rest will follow !

27 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

JH, that’s too much work.

In all seriousness, I have considered trying to find out from Mr Marxxon if he can make me into a totally maxxtreme bogan celebrity. I have the handicap of being a slightly out of shape curry (although I have been told that I look like a Bollywood star after a lengthy bender, I’m never sure if that’s a good thing), but I’m sure that he can figure out a way – after all, he says he can make anyone a celebrity.

28 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

He most probably could, and I dare say, would, be able to take your novel situation and play stereotypes that fit into “Weird” Al Yankovic’s “Ghandi II” sketch from his movie UHF/Vidiot From UHF, whereby after being held up as the noble pacifist of the film Ben Kingsley starred in 1982, it turns this notion on its head and he isn’t taking it lying down this time!

They’d take the populist pitch that Indians are quiet and won’t put up a fight when transgressed upon. And you could be cast as the taxi driver who sh¡it from NOBODY. (Especially bogans…but don’t tell him that!). Have a fly-on-the-wall reality programme filmed from a taxicam POV, all the better to look rough ‘n’ sh¡t.

This’d go down a hit wit the bogan, in reckoning that it’s being novel getting into it, like they thought they were cosmopolitan when they watched Fat Pizza. But you could take the deal and use it as a means of subversion, an underground hit with all those sympathetic to the Left, who all recognise that most of the dimwitted passengers are bogan in their traits, though never explicitly stated as such. A Border Security for libtards.

Hang on. Maybe not such a bright idea. He may be more subversive than that, to the point of sociopathy. When they do a deal, they steal your soul, no matter how credible you might have once indeed been…once they go through the Marxxon Maxxchine, they can never form back into ever being credible, even in a mildly ironic sense.

27 12 2010
p'bee

alternative options are:

tbl 2: glassment day
tbl 3: rise of the bogue machines

or:

tbl 2: the road rage warrior
tbl3: beyond contiki tours

27 12 2010
Tone

Of course, Ash.

I’m also expecting to see an appearance by Shane Warne as himself, with Richard Wilkins as narrator.

27 12 2010
James Hunter

Tone,
Shane warne as himself. That is a 9,7,8,9,9 and straigh to the finals.
Shane warne to play himself,would need a good script writer and need to very close to the autocue.

27 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Anyway, my bogan Christmas day story.

I was having Xmas dinner with best mate’s family (since we don’t celebrate Christmas in our house his mum invites me over every year and I always go for the food) and playing peek-a-boo with my godson when his cousin (a roid monkey who works in the mines) started asking what he planned to do with his baby bonus money. Mate mentioned they plan to use a bit of it on their wedding (which, thankfully, shouldn’t be too bogan) and save the rest.
“Aw, nah mate, don’t do that. I know carnts out in the mines, they got these sick plasma TVs with their bonus money! Just for knocking some bitch up!”
“Yeah, true, but, you know, gotta save some and that.”
“Nah, mate, fuck that! Who told you that shit?”
“Ash’s uncle.” (It’s true – my uncle’s an accountant who gave him some free financial advice).
“Fuck that curry cunt.” (He’s white.) “He don’t live in the real world.”
“Uh, guys? I’m sitting right here, I can hear everything you’re saying.”
“Shut the fuck up, why are you even here?” He’s hated me ever since I scored three tries against his shitty defence in a rep footy match and destroyed any chance he ever had of playing professionally. Well, that and him sucking.
“Mate, relax, OK? He’s my best mate.”
“So why isn’t he at his place?”
“They don’t celebrate Christmas.”
“Farkin curries.” He walked away.

28 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Dispatches of Near-Bogan Experiences at Christmas Parties,

Chapter 2, by Bag O’Turnips, your roving WA correspondent.

I am an aberration amongst my kin, insomuch as that I was to first to go to university (OK, my studies are in hiatus whilst I presently unscramble all the mindfückery that underscored my youth, but still I haven’t abandoned my desire to elevate my station), pursue artistic endeavours with skill and flair, not of entirely WASP breeding (my Dad hailed from Italy, thus having a cultural bipolarity that leaves me fully in neither camp) and, most distressingly for most of them, harbour attitudes that occupy shades of pink and green.

My family are, in the main, the archetypal middle-class blue collar demographic: think trades, either self-employed or as reasonably well-remunerated employees. This can initially lend a veneer of well-earned respectability gained by hard graft and resourcefulness. Should you dare scratch upon this salt-of-the-earth sensibility, the splintering rot of philistinism overwhelms you in its musty stench, having you wish that you had a copy of The Guardian to filter your proboscis as not to further taint one’s inspiration. Then it dawns upon you that this is the one-and-same sector of society that gave rise to the cashed-up bogan. More cash (real or financed), but no commensurate increase in worldliness.

This vignette was observed by both my ears and eyes, whereupon someone had the temerity to mention about “yet another boatload of reffos being intercepted”. Sadly, not an uncommon gripe held amongst most members, varying only in degrees of vitriol, to which one who held especially passionate, if entirely misinformed, opinions upon this matter felt compelled to rail at the injustice of those who “jumped the queue” on leaky boats further disadvantaging those “who done the right thing and waited in camps and apply for asylum there”.

Poor fool maybe felt a surge of embiggenment (not my word, but I’m damn sure I’ve heard a bogue use it, entirely sans irony) at counterpointing rightful indignation with noblesse to the respective broad-brushed categories of People Who Aren’t White. I was grateful for small mercies; maybe they were acquiring a nascent taste of the milk of human kindness.

Such hope was ill-founded when the latent misanthropy and White Man’s Burden percolated with a splutter upon further utterance.

They then proceeded to recite an unrelentingly obnoxious “joke” about how “Muslims reckon they’re so superior, eh, but look at their lives! C’mon, for Chrissakes, they live in the desert, eat goats and camels and cook their food with camel shit [I perhaps needn’t worry about tweaking my expletives, given the nature of this beast I am attempting to regale my experience of will no doubt have to traverse Moderation Purgatory, which is fair enough—B. O’T] and have no water to wash their stinky bodies, which are all hairy!

“They use squat toilets and wipe their arses with their left hand; they don’t shave their beards, their pits or their backs…and that’s just their wives for starters! And they’re covered head-to-toe in burqas, they don’t send their girls to school and just keep them as breeding bints, popping out more Muzzies so they can take over the world. With that to look forward to, as well as they having to wear those baggy clothes, no wonder they don’t mind blowing up themselves, with the promise of eternity with 72 virgins as a reward for committing jihad…how dopey is that, eh?

“And to top it off, they can’t eat bacon, can’t drink piss, can’t gamble and have some fuckwit in a tower making a stupid sound to remind them to hug the ground to pray to Mecca five times a day!

“What a fucken life they have. And they think they’re superior, God’s Chosen Race? Hah! AND they have the gall to come and foist their way of life on us? They want the White Man’s life, but not do what we have to do? C’mon, they get on boats and jump the queue and then come here and get Centrelink straight away! And have the nerve to complain!”

As I listened to this foul invective passed off as humour— both to expressly “piss off the politically correct faggot pinkos who have no idea of the rool [sic] world” and to confirm the merited prejudices sincerely held, my head was gently shaking all the while my heart sank. I did not deign to even correct all the factually erroneous stereotypes, for I knew I’d be having to challenge the secondhand wisdom of shockjocks cited as immutable truths.

And this pernicious attempt at making light of such malevolence by those who claim to be far more civilised (all the while reminding that “really we’re all just animals at the core”) at a time ostensibly about bring peace on Earth and goodwill to all, as pronounced by the dominant culture they identify with, struck a discordant chord that rendered me speechless.

Happy Christmas. Only if you’re white and eat least nominally Christian, even if you debunk all religion as rubbish, for that’s testament to the more evolved state of being they notionally ally themselves to, to question such beliefs ruthlessly.

All that’s done is serve to further my mission to avoid becoming yet another hollowed shell of humanity that many, if not most, bogans are, devoid of heart and soul, sadly often merely by osmosis if not wilfully so. Even if it means alienation from some familial aspects of my life; lonely as that can be, at least I can assure that I’m being true to myself as first and foremost as a fellow member of humankind, like all 6.7-or-so billion of us, bogans or otherwise.

28 12 2010
James Hunter

BOT,
You write reasonably well as it is so why not do a wrtiers school to bone up on the planning of a bnook and some style challenges? Do that and become a writer. You can do it part time untill your first big hit. In the mean time start with something small and “self publish” its not that hard .
Go read “Theyr a Wierd Mob” by Nino Cullota Maybe a 2011 book on your family bassed on that concept.?
If you need proof reading my Mrs Hunter is excellent. She used to lecture in Education Method so knows what she is doing.
Cheers

29 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I did rather enjoy that book: being Italo-Australian, I read it at high school, where we were also treated to a viewing of that film in English class a little later.

I’m not so sure that I would particularly want to be a writer—like photography (of which I’ve studied), one can to take it to a professional level, but become disenchanted with the hyper-competitive bitchiness that protecting your turf against all-comers, especially against rank amateurs with more ego than talent, entails.

29 12 2010
Mick

There was a second book to cash in on the success of that one called “Cop This Lot”.

Weren’t sequels discussed earlier as being bogan?

3 01 2011
urbanreverie

And another sequel after that, “Gone Fishing”, in which Nino takes up a career as a fisherman.

3 01 2011
James Hunter

then “gone troppo” and “gone gouging”

3 01 2011
brad

then he goes too melbourne and gets king-hit outside a strip club in King-bloody-Street.

4 01 2011
Mick

Good Lord! Are you lot fair-bloody-dinkum? I missed all of these Nino-bloody-sequels?

I need to read them. One of my favourite childhood memories is sitting in my grandfather’s squatter chair with a pile of books around me. I loved that chair. That was where I first read ‘They’re A Weird Mob” when I was about 10.

My squatters chair is my favourite possesion. I’m never giving up my reading spot. i must bring Nino back to it.

28 12 2010
Tombarina

Beautifully put, BO’T.

An abridged version from MY Christmas Day, as we knocked off sangria, seafood and various cold goodies, because the host (me) was too slack to contemplate a hot feast: “Suck on THIS, queue-jumping teatowelheads”.

Thanks, Bogan Christmas Guest. You again reminded me that this country is full of otherwise big-hearted, kind, decent people with brains the size of walnuts and zero capacity to contextualise anything that doesn’t fall smack-bang within their own sphere of experience.

28 12 2010
p'bee

ugh. ignorant prat. i’m betting he was the sort of person who isn’t even smart enough to walk and fart at the same time.

28 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Hey, that’s hard shit.

28 12 2010
James Hunter

ash, sounds autobiographical ?

29 12 2010
Common man

Bravo,Bravo

29 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

based on some of your recent posts we think you should consider purchasing some sort of concealed firearm Ash.

29 12 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
maybe we all club together and get Ash a Browning .22 They are a sweet little job.

29 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Thanks Chubster, but if it ever comes to it I’ll just glass the carnt who needs it. I did think about it at that moment.

27 12 2010
SD

Not 1 but 3 copies of TBL The Book as a gift-am I so f*king obvious?!

Congrats TBL for adding about 5 kgs to my luggage, your wisdom will be dispensed to the waiting crowds back home – in this case re gifting is perfectly OK I am thinking.

Each book is very similar, so I think it’s justified in this instance. TBL

28 12 2010
urbanreverie
28 12 2010
Will S

“On Monday night it’s The 7.30 Report, Australian Story, Four Corners, Media Watch and then the biggest kahuna of them all – Q&A, for which they turn the sound down and read Twitter: “Malcolm Turnbull looks WRONG in a leather jacket” or ”Can Chris Berg pls sing Lady in Red – LOL”.”

I’m pretty sure most on here agreed that Twitter on Q&A is horribly annoying

28 12 2010
Tone

It’s less annoying now that Q&A is shown live across Australia on ABC News 24. Now people from states other than NSW and Vic can have some Twitter Q&A fun.

28 12 2010
martin

Yes the Twitter messages are annoying. So are the libtards in the audience. Also content wise I don’t think Q&A is much better than TT and ACA.

Watch out this week for bogans whining about THEIR tax money being spent on the new parental payment scheme. At least you have to work to get this one so no more unwanted little bastard bogans. 🙂

29 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

I utterly fail to see what live tweets add to Q&A.
frequently inane and always distracting.

29 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

A journo bemoaning drunken intellectuals???
it must be a joke.

31 12 2010
Mick

What if you’re a bogan who read a few books and turned your life around, yet still can’t pick a nice wine?

Where does a non-bogan, non-intellectual fit into the mix? Do I even exist? My mum will be disappointed if I don’t.

4 01 2011
GoldCoaster

LOL these journalists make their bread and butter from polarising society. Either you’re a bogan, or a drunken Arts major. The huge percentage of us who don’t fit either stereotype don’t exist to the journalist because we can’t be polarised, and therefore there is no money in writing about us.

28 12 2010
James Hunter

Electronic “senna pod”

29 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Barnaby Joyce on Q&A has that effect, dosing it the ol’ fashion way on TV.

I agree with some Prime Ministers in their assessment of Nationals politicians, still applicable today: Billy Hughes, at a valedictory dinner just before his passing, was noted that he was a member of all the main political parties, to which he replied, “but not the Country Party!”, and Gough Whitlam is alleged to have answered Doug Anthony’s exclamation in parliament, that “I’m a Country Member!”, answered by a derisive “I know”.

29 12 2010
London Chav

I believe the ‘Country Member’ retort was originally by Eddie Ward. ‘Twas a newly elected member of the Country Party starting his maiden speech with “I’m a country member” to wich Ward replied “Yeah, we remember”.

There’s no fun in politics anymore… I think even Pig Iron Bob got a nice one in when asked by a ‘working class’ woman “What was ‘e goin to do about ‘ousing?” replied “Put an H in fornt of it!”

Safe NY to all.

30 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Paul Keating was also a past master (and still is, on certain occasions) at the stinging rebuke—listening to his witticisms is always great fun.

Almost no one in the current parliament has much in the way of offering original and amusing-yet-pointed comments—these days, it’s all well-drilled responses with a repeated phrase as minted by their PR minders, or sloppy brainfarts of staggering incoherence and stench that seem to still be the province of the Nationals, as well as certain stripes of independents and the rabble of political fringe dwellers of the mainstream parties.

29 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

christmas was reasonably devoid of boganity, with the exception of battling through Marion Shopping centre yesterday to buy a Ping Pong table.
The highlight for me was Uncle Drunken offering a Celebratory Toast to Nanna (She shares a birthday with Baby Jesus) on her 90th and still managing to segue sufficiently to remind everybody he was shot in the Vietnam War.
I generally like to rail and “bah Humbug at this time of year, but I just couldn’t be bothered anymore.

29 12 2010
Tom

Just wondering, does TBL originate in the southern states of the USA? Having spent a few months there I noted your use of ‘y’all’, and I have rarely heard the term used outside of those parts.

29 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I think it’s meant to be ironic.

Anyway, TBL, I need some help trying to figure out whether one of my friends is a bogan or not.

Things that make me think he might be:
– He’s the only person I know who’s a more obsessive Cronulla Sharks supporter than I am.
– He has two full arm sleeve tattoos, one of which is a tribal design.
– He uses the words fuck and cunt every second sentence.
– One of his daughter’s middle names is Peach, after David Peachey (although, I’ll admit, I had planned to do the same thing if I ever had a daughter).
– I’ve seen him wearing Ed Hardy before, although not frequently.

Things that make me think he isn’t:
– His kids’ names are Ellen and Scott – no remixes or silent vowels, just boring Anglo Saxon names. I know for a fact he picked Scott’s name so it’s not even his (un bogan) girlfriend doing their naming.
– He actually plans to save his kids’ baby bonuses to help put them through uni.
– He drives a Hyundai Getz (with a Sharks sticker and number plate, but nothing else).
– He wants to murder David Guetta.
– I’ve never heard a racist statement come out of his mouth unless I set him up for it by making self-loathing Indian jokes. (Nor were his replies qualified by an “I’m not racist but…”)
– He once played professional basketball (not a particularly bogan sport).

Is he, or isn’t he?

I reckon you’ve answered your own question there. While there are clearly more bogan creatures out there than your friend, he’s a reasonable distance along the sliding scale between “not at all bogan” and “thoroughbred bogan”. TBL

29 12 2010
Tombarina

Ash, Ash, Ash…..you already know the answer. Although, I can see how NOT investing baby bonuses in a 3D Megatronic Gargantuascreen could clearly trigger your confusion.

And while ALL racists are bogans, not all bogans are racist. It’s one of their tricks.

The decider: is Shane Warne the ultimate spanker, or a fair-dinkum legendary pantsman and all-round top bloke?

29 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

He hates cricket, so that doesn’t help.

I will say, though, I find that one very hard to answer.

On one hand, my rational mind is saying “come on, it’s obvious, he’s the ultimate spanker” but my inner 12 year old just won’t go away and he keeps saying “no, he’s a legend mate, don’t betray me, you know the truth”.

My 12 year old self was clearly a bogan. In fact, I’m pretty sure I had a Von Dutch cap back then.

30 12 2010
Pandabater

Ash,
1. Does he have names for his ‘guns’?
2. Is he violent/aggressive at the footy?
3. How gay are his sunglasses?
4. How does he respond to perceived personal injustice?

30 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

1) Not to my knowledge.

2) Depends on how drunk he is, which in turn depends on the score.

3) Not very. Actually they’re pretty normal. And he only wears them when he drives.

4) He’s 6″9′, so surprisingly enough people tend to become very polite around him. On the road, he just turns the stereo up and mumbles obscenities under his breath.

30 12 2010
James Hunter

Ash,
Re:
1:This means you dont know him all that well.
2:This most likley means he is not a full bogan who are always drunk and violent at the footy no matter what the score
3: Only wears them when he drives means he is not a true blue bogan who wear their sunnies even in bed.
4:This lack of hair trigger response to the misdemeanours of others realy rules him out of the bogan clique. A true bogan will leap out of his car at traffic lights to kick the vehicle of some one who has offended his sensibilities before doing a half block burnout while leaving the scene.
I do hope this assists.

30 12 2010
Pandabater

Not to be fcked with but not bogan 😉

30 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The ultimate test, does he like one or several of the following?
Kings of Leon
P:!nk
Robbie Williams
Powderfinger
The Beatles

30 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

2 out of 5 – Kings of Leon and Powderfinger.

31 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

He is on a slippery slope Ash.

30 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/lifestyle/diet-fitness/donna-simpson-ate-30000-calorie-christmas-dinner/story-e6frf019-1225976731223?

Am I wrong in thinking this woman should be denied medical care for the rest of her life and left to rot in her own urine when she can no longer stand?

30 12 2010
Tombarina

Cretina. And so is her dickhead “feeder” of a husband.

30 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Is she the one who aspired to become the world’s fattest woman?

30 12 2010
James Hunter

Simon , That is obscene. Thirty doctors to deliver the baby by caeser is bad BUT HOW did she get preggers ?
That is truly scary.

Best use for her that I can immagine is to drop her from a very large aeroplane on some taliban stronhold. With a big note “Think shes big?” Well we will drop the guy who got her pregnant if you dudes dont piss off !

30 12 2010
p'bee

the thirty doctors thing made me think of the simpsons episode where homer gets his arms stuck in vending machines and they give him a letter saying that while they were rescuing him a lumberyard burned dowm, except while doctors were dealing with this whale other seriously ill people were deprived of doctors.

30 12 2010
chris

Ok. Drunken rant follows. Merry Xmas to Simon, Tomby, Chubs, Tone and all of the other TBL true believers. Re the whole nekkid Riewoldt pikky thang: Is everyone oblivious to the very large elephant in the room? To quote George from Being Human (yes, one of my guilty pleasures) “Has everyone been taking stupid pills?” Is it obvious only to me that if this 17-year old girly had pictures, not of an AFL player but, say, pics of her creepy English teacher, then the ensuing bogan outrage would have been enough to power a small Pacific nation for the next 50 years? Why do we cut these boofheads so much slack? I’m done.

30 12 2010
p'bee

because the majority of this country worships said boofheads.

30 12 2010
chris

… and that’s one of the reasons why we’re going to hell in a handbasket. merry xmas to you too, p’bee or, as Richard Dawkins says: Happy 25th December.

31 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

TBL #206: Ruining The Surf

The bogan is maxxtreme. It knows this to be true. The bogan is also a fiercely proud Australian. Few activities allow the bogan to combine their maxxtremity and Aussie pride as much as surfing.

To prove it’s maxxtremity, the bogan will only ever have the newest and the best. Therefore, come September, it will rush to buy the newest model of surfboard and wetsuit, then spend the next two months trying desperately to fit into it. After a final failed attempt, the bogan simply concludes that “Wetsuits are for poofs” as it’s getting huge regimen has clearly worked, before paddling out in shorts.

Before heading into the waves for the first time, most people will be sure to take a couple of surfing lessons first. Not the bogan. Not only is it too maxxtreme, but as a graduate from the school of hard knocks into the real world, it does not need to know anything more than it does.

Once into the surf, the bogan will proceed to grab the first wave it sees, regardless of whether a more experienced surfer has it already or is next in line. Once on a wave, the bogan’s goal is naturally to make it back to the shore standing up. However, unlike the surfer who seeks the pleasure and adrenalin rush of riding a wave, the bogan’s goal is to advertise itself as a potential mating partner to the gaggle of Common Orange Boguettes who gather on the beaches around this same time.

Inevitably, the bogan’s impulsiveness and lack of wave etiquette leads to a collision between it and a more experienced surfer. When this occurs, the bogan inevitably turns aggressive at the suggestion that it may not be a master of the wave and have full knowledge of what it is doing. At this point, the bogan will inevitably threaten physical violence with the assistance of it’s lifeguard bretheren. Alternatively, the bogan might threaten to inform Today/Tonight or A Current Affair of the “Dangerous surfies” which leads to a new common bogue enemy.

31 12 2010
chris

Just like the european carp, the bogan befouls any body of water it is introduced into.

31 12 2010
Tombarina

Substitute “snow” for “waves”, turn the thermostat down by 45deg and chuck in a fur-rimmed-hooded parka, and you’ve pretty much accounted for Boganicus Rex’s biannual holiday activities.

And he’s a cock at both.

1 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Pretty much. Every time I see a bogan on a surfboard I get the urge to glass him, or at least crash into the carnt.

Unfortunately, instigating the second round of Cronulla riots is not on my to-do list.

31 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

“Where the hell is my bra?! Oh! I’m wearing it!”
Edna Focke-Witte
31/12/10

I don’t know anyone who had a bad 2010. In fact, quite the opposite. Sincere best wishes to all for more of the same in 2011.
chubby & Edna.

31 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

OK.
I have a massive Australian flag which Ander and I stole from the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge circa 1995.
my question is; if I hang it out the back of the pergola for a sunshade(it’s on the western side, and you wouldn’t be able to see it from the street or anything)
would that be Bogan?

31 12 2010
chris

Depends. Does said pergola house $10K of outdoor kitchen, purchased on the never-never from G Harvey Esq? Or big speakers pumping out KoL for the benefit of the entire neighbourhood? If not I reckon you’re in the clear. I have a “No Camping Allowed” sign I pinched from the side of the road going up to Falls Creek c1985, but seeing how my humble dwelling has neither pool room or “sportsman’s bar” in which to hang the pilfered item, I don’t feel so bad.

31 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Nah, nothing wrong with the flag, just don’t use it as a superman cape.
Happy New year dude and dudette.

(my wife lost her car keys the other day and they were found in the fridge?)

31 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I have been known to drape the flag around my shoulders at the cricket. Only then, though.

31 12 2010
Mick

Dear Bogan,

As the year comes to a close I have some matters to share that will help us continue our relationship into 2011 and beyond. I hope we can all learn something from this.

Firstly, infants losing their lives in rough seas off Christmas Island is not a ‘good thing’. In fact, I would suggest that if young Jimmy Cook and his super-maxi Endeavour had of suffered the same fate, this country would be a far better place.

No, I do not want to fly to New Zealand to see Green Day.

Being forty-five and not wishing to travel to Thailand to have sex with borderline eighteen year-olds does not make me gay…and yes, I do think I’m better than you.

Setting high standards for yourself will not roon it for everyone.

Wearing jeans, nice shoes and a shirt with sleeves when flying does not mean I’m off to a wedding or trying to pick up a hostie. It means I have some respect for my fellow traveller. Perhaps you can learn from this.

Getting through a day at work is nothing to be proud of. Doing what you’re paid to do and doing it well is.

When I make a mistake I will put my hand up and accept the consequences. When you make a mistake, I do not want you putting my hand up and expect me to accept the consequences. This will make me speak loudly and angrily to you.

Lastly, I have heard of Metallica. I don’t feel they need to be mentioned if I’m discussing the Triffids.

I do hope this has cleared things between us.

Cheers, Mick.

31 12 2010
Tombarina

Dear Mick

I think I love you. Kudos.

Tomba
x

2 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Mick, you mention Metallica – I gotta share this story from their Sydney concert that I went to on the 13th of November.

Naturally, the moshpit draws in any number of bogans who came just to hear Enter Sandman and Master of Puppets. And since the bogan is maxxtreme, it doesn’t believe that basic mosh etiquette applies to it.

So at the start of Enter Sandman, three or four shirtless dipshits (two Swazi tattoos) start pushing their way to the front (“outta the way carnts” style) and they’re trying to get by me when one of them runs into the bloke next to me.

This guy is about 6 ft 6 and as wide as he’s tall, and could have walked out of central casting for a Black Label Society video. Naturally, he didn’t take kindly to being pushed around by some shirtless tosser, so he turned around and glared at them. They pushed by anyway.

Once Enter Sandman finished (it was the end of their main set), my new best mate started making his way out when he sees the sorry fuckwits who pushed their way past him. He yelled at them about mosh behaviour, and the biggest and dumbest bogan said that “I don’t give a fuck.”

That earned him a straight decking, and I was pissing myself laughing. I bought the guy a beer later for his trouble.

2 01 2011
Mick

Is there something new about you now you’re Maxxtreme? Seems to be quite a lot of violence around you lately. I bet your mum is worried about you.

Metallica. Quite a large proportion of my workmates went to the concerts around Oz. One actually followed them around the country and went to a show in every city. And why not? They’re a capable band.

What I did object to was the inability to discuss anything else. At the same time they were about, there was a book released on the top 100 Oz albums. I was enjoying discussing the choices with my friends. It was always ruined by “Speaking of bands, did you go see Metallica?”

This happened when discussing how haunting The Church could be. And when discecting the Triffids. And when telling them all about finding a complete collection of Go-Betweens vinyls at a backpackers in Vancouver and playing them all night.

Then I had to go through it all again with U2…

2 01 2011
Tombarina

I was both miffed AND peeved that I didn’t go to Metallica – had two tix but, being large of heart and small of brain, gave them to the Sole Offspring and The Beloved, (AKA Parking Man).

Anyhoo, enough about my boundless generosity of spirit. Two key things emerged from the evening.

1): Both Sole Offspring and The Beloved were gobsmacked to see Baby Metallica t-shirts for sale, and even moreso by the queue to purchase same.

2): Sole Offspring’s fun was somewhat mitigated by the presence of an argumentative foul-mouthed dwarf who interrupted surrounding conversations to correct people. Eg: “XXXX single was released in March 1991, not April 1991, and sold 431,459 copies, not 431,500 copies….ya dumb f&$*in’ kaaarnt”. Sole Offspring said although the interloper was only 3′ tall, he was concerned about having his kneecaps glassed. So even wee people can be bogues.

2 01 2011
p'bee

tomba, the mental image of a 3ft bogan glassing knees is hilarious. kudos.

2 01 2011
James Hunter

pb, I have worked in shows with a number of dwarfs over the years and they are universally great people but a disproportionate(in my experience) number of them are outrageous drunks

2 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Nothing much has changed, really. I’ve always tended to find myself in violent situations – a lifetime spent between footy parties and punk/metal gigs tends to do that to you. Naturally, I’ve learnt to run and hide quite well, and how to throw a sneaky punch/kick if necessary. And my darling mum doesn’t know everything her son gets up to. I fight with my fists and feet though – glassing and weapons are for tossers. But mostly I run for the best vantage point.

A lot of the bogans I know who went to Metallica only went to hear Enter Sandman and Nothing Else Matters. A few slightly more knowledgable knew of Master of Puppets (or at least knew to thrash harder when everyone else was) but that was about it.

3 01 2011
martin

In typical bogan style I like the Black Album and “One” and a couple of other songs but I don’t think I could handle 2-3 hours of them! Sounds like a cracker of a headache.

I had a similar experience at one of those Big Day Out type concerts, a couple of young dickheads were running around through the crowd running into everybody intentionally and there was a hard arsed bogan standing next to me smoking pot through one of those little hash pipes, when the young dickheads came racing back he king hit one of them in the mouth, I said to him “good one mate” or some such, but he just glared at me and said nothing, I was born too privileged and wasn’t hard enough to be worthy of any hard core bogan civility. Sometimes the bogan is a good thing. Albeit rarely. Usually for smacking out people who deserve it.

3 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Should have offered to buy him a beer. That’s an appropriate thank you.

1 01 2011
3 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Bogan story of the day, without any maxxtreme violence this time.

I was wearing my old Bo Jackson Oakland Raiders jersey around today when I went to buy a cricket bat (birthday gift for my nephew) from that hive of boganity, Rebel Sport.

When I’m at the counter, the clerk (a fully huge bogue) comments in a complimentary manner on my jersey.
“Thanks mate. You a fan?”
“Aw, nah, may mate’s got one of them shirts as well.”
“Aw yeah, is he a fan?”
“Fan? Of what?”
“The Raiders.”
“They’re a team? Of what?”
“American football.”
“Aw, nah mate, I’m pretty sure it’s a brand. His is just a cool T-shirt.”

I suppose it was his ignorance that prevented me from bashing his head in with the bat.

4 01 2011
p'bee

gotta love the ignorant bogan correcting you on something they clearly know absolutely nothing about.

4 01 2011
GoldCoaster

Bogans, bogans everywhere! There’s a fine line between ignorance and willful ignorance.

4 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

#1054 – Cafe Racers

The CUB like to be noticed, lots. In fact if you fail to notice him you may well be legally blind. To this end he has seen that someone called Lance gets a bit of attention and perhaps he can emulate him? Off to the cycle shop he trots, to buy the blingiest bike he can. Maxtreme as he is he will avoid the larger manufacturers like Giant or Trek (coz every f*ckers has one of them) and seek some Italian cache, specifically De Rosa so he can pretend he is unique just like all his mates.

He will then fit his bike out with the loudest deepest aero wheels and make his way to Cibo in Glenelg (Bogue central) to meet his mates, all on uniquely identical bikes, and strut around proclaiming how awesome he is and annoying the sh*t out of the crowd. When asked by his fellow riders “where to now” he will reply “I’m off to the Parade (Adelaide cafe strip)” and the quiet couple in the corner will dissolve into fits of laughter because the husband had just minutes earlier called this group Cafe Racers (a grevious cycling insult) to his wife.

The cafe racer will then head up Anzac highway, into the reasonable cross wind, to get to the next cafe on his itinery about 15 km up the road. Meanwhile the quiet couple will recover from laughing fits, finish their coffee and head in the same direction 10 minutes later. Having spent 3 hours in the hills training before deciding to head to Glenelg for a bit of bogan spotting and a restorative cup of joe, they are feeling a bit tired but decide to put the hammer down for a bit of extra training.

As they head up the road they spot a group of riders in front of them and wonder is this can be the same maxtreme bunch they just saw in Glenelg proclaiming how f*cking awesome they are. They certainly hope so. To their delight it is the same group, struggling with their big f*ck off wheels that catch the cross wind beautifully and mean they can’t ride in a straight line. A ragged group, they are struggling to maintain 30km/h as the quiet couple dash past at 42km/h. To try to save some dignity amoung themselves the Cafe Racer will loudly proclaim “don’t hurt yourself love” to the small blonde lady effortlessly motoring past them trying not to laugh out loud and this group of W*nkers.

4 01 2011
chris

… and these days they all seem to be on f**king Orbeas.

4 01 2011
The Observer

The Motorcycling world has “The Harley Cafe Racers” & “The Ducati Cafe Racers”. Funnyingly enough they are as slow as each other.

4 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

And as annoying. Orbeas sure are popular but no where near flashy enough for your maxtreme w@nker.

5 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Oi, Ducati’s are mad. I want one.

4 01 2011
Tombarina

Well observed, Si.

Your very first sentence utterly encapsulates Boganicus Rex. Being noticed is its most primal driver.

It is the desire – nay, need – to be noticed which gives rise to nearly all other traits – its magpie-like fondness for shiny stuff (eg Ed Hardy), getting huge, general maXXXtremity, etc.

Essentially, the bogan is a spoilt, overgrown toddler shrieking ‘look at me!’, albeit with homogenously unique tatts and a nasty habit of glassing those who fail to express an adequate degree of impressedness at the bogue’s awesomenity.

4 01 2011
James Hunter

Tomba,
“awesomenity” That is a pure gold word 9,9,9,9,9 !!!!

5 01 2011
GoldCoaster

Awesomenity- if we use it enough, will it become a cromulent word? I love it!

5 01 2011
Mick

It has already embiggened my verbility.

5 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

jesus.
who shit in my mouth?
I’m so sick of being smashed. when I am emperor I will ban this time of year. seriously dangerous for a critter with my proclivities. in 1999 I started partying about Dec. 13 and didn’t stop until May of 2003. true story. I wound up homeless in Adelaide, sleeping on a building site.
where was I?
um…
oh. So Focke-Witte Senior (did I mention he invented the cardboard ballot box?) decided we should really get through some of these Super Premiums. We’ve had ’72 & ’73 Grange, ’99 Hill of Grace an 82 Chateu D’ychem, aged Yattarnas and Watervale rieslings, some ’99 Parker Estate Terra Rossa First Growth and a few turn of the century Wendourees.
who’s a lucky boy?

5 01 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Show off!

5 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I’m no wine drinker, but my dad just saw that list as he was passing by. He says you’re a lucky bastard.

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